Tag: science

Still Counting: Local Scientists Think Numbers May Go On For “Really Long Time”

Feb. 29 Living no comments
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By Coma News Staff

Scientists in Coma announced this week that while their research is not yet complete, early results suggest numbers go on for even longer than they initially believed.

“We’re all a little shocked by what the data is suggesting,” Dr. Jimmy, who heads up the research team, said. “In theory, it would appear that number can just keep going for a really, really, really long time. But it’s still early.”

The research project began last month and is being funded, in part, by the Coma Futurist Society in an effort to better understand numbers and their limitations.

 

Researchers have been working in shifts and logging numbers into a spreadsheet in sequential order starting at the number one.

“It’s been a very trying research project,” Micah Horncraft said.  Horncraft, who heads the Futurist Society, has been volunteering on the project for the past two weeks. “It’s a lot of typing. My fingers got sore. But there’s just so many numbers.  You got one, two, three, four, five…and a bunch more.”

02 19 2016 number publish 2

Micah Horncraft holds one of the many numbers scientists have been counting since January. “There’s lots of them,” Horncraft told reporters this week.

According to Dr. Jimmy, based on preliminary results, it is theoretically possible that number just continue without ever stopping.  Dr. Jimmy said such a discovery could revolutionize math and probably some other things as well.

“So far, we’ve counted up to nearly eight thousand,” Dr. Jimmy said. “It seems like we can just keep going and going.  But we’ll see.  Maybe there will be a surprise along the way and everything will just stop suddenly.”

Dr. Jimmy said the project was initially scheduled to wrap up in early March but may extend into April, depending on when they discover “the end of numbers.” Horncraft told reporters a special event will take place at the Futurist Society to announce the results of the research project.

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Recent Bigfoot Sighting Leaves Coma Business Leaders Shaken

Aug. 25 News no comments
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As rare as it is to see a “bigfoot” or “sasquatch” in the wild, coming across one in the business world is even more unlikely and can be just as startling.  Just ask Senior Vice President of Sales at Coma United Financial Services, Mark Taylor, who claims he encountered a bigfoot at a shareholders meeting in January.

“The meeting started off pretty routine,” Taylor said.  “Then we got to the part about quarterly dividends and in walks this giant, hairy son-of-a-bitch.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  He approached the front of the room and went into a rather long lecture on how dividends were down and that it might be time to consider a new strategy. At least I thought that’s what he was saying.”

Taylor was not the only witness to the incredible event.  Several shareholders who had managed to stay awake until that point in the meeting corroborate Taylor’s story.

“He talked for about 40 minutes and then fielded some questions from the shareholders,” said Gene Page, an executive assistant who was there to take minutes.  “He mostly answered with a series of grunts and growls so you kind of had to piece it together, but for the most part he didn’t shy away from any of the tough questions.”

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According to local Cryptozoology expert, Micah Horncraft, such encounters are incredibly rare, but add credibility to decades of accounts regarding what are known as “Corporate Bigfoots”.

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“These are serious, well-dressed anthropologic creatures with a keen business sense,” Horncraft said of Corporate Bigfoot.  “Most of their business knowledge is based on an economy that trades sticks, leaves and animal droppings, but many of their principles are sound nonetheless.”

Added Taylor, “If I’m being completely honest, I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. But that could be said about any of these meetings. Don’t print that part.”

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New Study Confirms Prehistoric Man Lacked Microwave Oven Technology

Aug. 05 News no comments
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by Coma News Daily Staff

In what some experts are calling a “completely insignificant” study, researchers in Coma confirmed yesterday that prehistoric humans did not, at any point, have access to microwave oven technology.  The findings were the result of a nearly three-year study conducted by scientists at the Coma Center for Science and Microwave Ovens.

ABOVE: Despite unpopular belief, prehistoric humans did not have access to microwave ovens

ABOVE: Despite unpopular belief, prehistoric humans did not have access to microwave ovens

“What we’ve done here, finally, is to place scientific research behind long-held assumptions,” Dr. Jimmy, physician and lead researcher said of the study.  “Now when people talk about cave men not being able to heat their food via a microwave oven, they will be speaking from a position of knowledge, research and fact and not ignorant conjecture.”

The Coma Center for Science and Microwave Ovens was established in 2009 as part of a joint research effort between local scientists and the Maytag corporation, who funded the project.  Executives at Maytag would not comment specifically on yesterday’s announcement but did suggest the initial grant money to fund the research was not intended to be used in such a manner.

The results of the six-year study were shared with media and local members of the scientific community during a nearly four-hour presentation this week.  Dr. Jimmy, who lead the presentation, said he was both surprised and not at all surprised by the study’s findings.

“Going in, I thought, this is a waste of time,” Dr. Jimmy told reporters.  “But once we started digging and investigating, I realized, this was an even bigger waste of time than I originally anticipated.”

Among the evidence that supports the study’s findings:

– Prehistoric humans lacked the ability to harness electricity

– Microwave manufacturers did not come into existence until the 20th century

– Instruction manuals and navigating the sometimes complicated settings panel would likely have confounded prehistoric humans, who could not read

Dr. Jimmy said that while this study lacked any real mystery, he is already turning his focus to the next microwave-inspired research project which will answer the age-old question; are microwave ovens real?

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Local Woman’s Miraculous 15-Month Pregnancy Defies Science

Jul. 27 News no comments
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By Coma News Staff

In what is being described as a first-of-its-kind for medical science, Coma resident Cindy Horncraft announced this week she is entering the 15th month of her pregnancy and expects to deliver any day now in her tiny house.

“This has been a very long process and I would appreciate privacy, particularly from the medical community as I approach my delivery date,” Cindy Horncraft said. “While I understand people are curious, I think this is a case where the fewer questions, the better.”

According to her husband, Micah Horncraft, his wife discovered she was pregnant nearly eight months ago. Horncraft said at first it didn’t add up as he and his wife had not had intercourse for nearly six months at that point.

“At first I was like, ‘how can this even be possible?’”, the 33-year old head of the Coma Futurist Society and tiny house owner said. “But then my wife explained that it’s probably what is called a ‘fertility-alignment delay’, or F-A-D.”

Micah and wife couch 2014

Above- Micah and Cindy Horncraft. According to the couple, Cindy Horncraft has been pregnant for nearly 15 months and suffers from a rare disorder called Fertility Alignment Delay.

Horncraft said he was unable to find any information on fertility-alignment delay but his wife was able to provide ample information that helped put him at ease.

“She said it’s not really understood yet by science but is not uncommon for women who are only children and who sleep on their stomach,” Horncraft said. “She fits on both accounts, so, yeah, it makes sense that she would be more susceptible than other women.”

Horncraft said he was further put at ease after his close friend and neighbor, Jax Owen, confirmed some facts about FAD. Owen, a close family friend, told Horncraft “all kinds of weird stuff happens when a woman gets knocked up.”

“I think what I got with Jax was a lot of straight-talk regarding FAD,” Horncraft said. “That helped because I didn’t know anything about it but he knew a lot. Like, did you know that you can’t get FAD from a hand job? I didn’t either. But Jax knew that.”

According to Horncraft, the couple had not had sexual relations for nearly six months when his wife Cindy discovered she was pregnant.  Horncraft said the lack of sex was a result of his wife suffering from a rare condition she told him about called Prolonged Period Syndrome, or PPS, which extends a woman’s period for up to a year.

Not everyone, however, is convinced of the diagnosis.

Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, said that while medicine is constantly discovering new ailments and disorders, he has never heard of FAD and questions whether it really exists.

“There are some very basic principles in science and human physiology and it is not possible for something like this to happen to any woman, regardless of her birth order or sleeping habits. Here’s the deal; this woman was inseminated nearly nine months ago. Period.” said Dr. Jimmy.

Horncraft said that while he’s heard from many doubters regarding his wife’s 15-month pregnancy, he has no reason to doubt the claim and is excited about the birth. “We have more room for a baby in the tiny house since my wife and son have moved into a barn they built.”

 

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1972- Ladybug Fish Discovered in Coma

May. 26 Coma History no comments
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by Coma Historian and Intern, Stan Bargmeyer

In the fall of 1972, Coma scientist Richard Van Peele announced his discovery of a new type of fish species; the Ladybug Fish (dominaeinsectum piscor). The discovery sent ripples through the marine biology community as the Ladybug Fish proved to be one of the most unique aquatic mammals ever discovered.

Unlike most fish, the Ladybug Fish lives entirely on land and bears a striking resemblance to a Ladybug.  As well, Ladybug Fish do not have gills, are the same size as Ladybugs and look exactly like common Ladybugs in every conceivable manner.  In fact, the Ladybug Fish is the only fish in the world that cannot survive under water.

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ABOVE: A sketch of the rare Ladybug Fish discovered by Richard Van Peele.

Van Peele, who studied marine biology in his bedroom while holding down two part-time jobs, was a Coma native who later went on to serve as night-time supervisor at the Zip-In Burger on 8th Street in Coma.  Van Peele died in 1994.

 

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Controversial ‘Talk-Surgery’ Declared a Success

Apr. 14 News no comments
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stan and his dog

By Coma News Staff

The first successful use of “talk-surgery” was recently reported in Coma.

The controversial phone-based eye surgery was a “resounding success” for Freckles, the pet of Stan Bargmeyer, Coma resident and widower. The procedure, which Bargmeyer learned about through an unsolicited email from a Kenyan stranger, cost nearly $6,000. But it was money well spent.

“You can’t put a price tag on something like x-ray vision,” Bargmeyer said.

Dr. Leonard Lee, who performed the procedure, wrote only pets could obtain x-ray vision from it.

“I didn’t even have to leave my house and there was no anesthesia involved,” Bargmeyer said. “I wired Dr. Lee the $6,000 and scheduled the over-the-phone procedure at my convenience.  Simplest thing ever.”

The procedure, which entailed holding the phone to Freckles’ ear and eye, took less than 40 minutes and appeared not to harm him, Bargmeyer said. The patient spent most of the procedure licking his crotch.

“There’s no noticeable difference in his demeanor or behavior but he seems happier,” Bargmeyer said. “How could he not be, with x-ray vision?”

Efforts to contact Lee elicited an aggresive viral spam attack.

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Coma Futurist Society to Explore “Future of the Past”

Apr. 08 News no comments
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future of the past 5

By Coma News Staff

Citing a natural progression in the evolution of the recently created Coma Futurist Society, curator Micah Horncraft announced this week his organization is planning a new exhibit that will focus on the “future of the past.” The exhibit will explore how the future may have looked to people who lived 50,000 years ago and will include hand-drawn illustrations of the types of objects and tools somebody living in the paleolithic age may have imagined for the future.

“This exhibit really forces the viewer to ask the question, ‘What would I think the future hold if I was sitting on a log in Southeast Asia sucking on the bone marrow of a sabertooth cat some fifty-thousand years ago?'” Horncraft said.  “I think people will be pleasantly surprised at the answers they find.”

future of the past 3

Above: According to Horncraft, paleolithic man likely imagined a futuristic taco made of tree bark, twigs and assorted varieties of grass

The exhibit, which opens next month, includes nearly three dozen items. Horncraft said each piece was meticulously researched and holds historical relevance and accuracy.

“Although we can’t say for certain what paleolithic people would have thought about the future, we think we got pretty damn close,” Horncraft said.

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Above: Paleolithic man’s vision of a futuristic Xbox One gaming system would have resembled a log

According to Horncraft, the exhibit is culturally significant because it not only teaches people that prehistoric man dreamed about the futue but also demonstrates how dumb they were, which contradicts conventional wisdom.

“We typically view prehistoric man as some intelligent and sophisticated guy who went around inventing wheels and fire,” Horncraft said. “What this exhibit demonstrates is that he had a limited grasp of physics, food preparation, technology, board games and filmmaking.”

future of the past 1

Above: According to Horncraft, prehistoric man’s vision of a futuristic microwave oven would have resembled a log

Horncraft dismissed critics who said the exhibit was nothing more than a series of hand-drawn logs and sticks and provided very little real insight into the struggles and experiences prehistoric man encountered on a daily basis.

“Yes, there are a lot of logs but guess what? That’s about all they had back in those times,” Horncraft said. “They had logs and rocks and maybe a gun or knife or something to protect themselves.”

future of the past 2

Above: Prehistoric man likely envisioned future dinosaurs wearing jet packs and wielding kitchen knives

Horncraft said his favorite part of the exhibit features a dinosaur wearing a jet pack and wielding a sharp kitchen knife.

“Talk about shitting your loin cloth,” Horncraft said. “They were already terrified of dinosaurs and then you add a jetpack and cutlery to the mix and you have the ultimate killing machine. I can’t imagine how horrified they were thinking about that.”

The exhibit is expected to open May 2, although a location has yet to be determined.

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Coma Futurist Society Created

Oct. 23 News no comments
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futurist society floating cloud city

According to Horncraft, future cities may be perched upon clouds as depicted in this hand-drawn illustration

Citing a general apathy regarding “olden days” and an “insatiable thirst” for the future, Coma town historian Micah Horncraft resigned from his post as the curator of the Coma Historical Society on Wednesday and immediately accepted a similar position at the new Coma Futurist Society.

“The future is full of wonderment and uncertainty,” Horncraft said in a prepared speech to the city council.  “Did you ever stop and think what buttons might look like in ten or twenty or even a thousand years?  They might not resemble in any way what we’ve come to expect from a button.  This is the type of thing that gets people excited.”

Horncraft said the decision had nothing to do with the recent resignation of Coma historian, Jeff Smithery, who announced last month he would turn his focus from the past to the future.

“My decision had nothing to do with the recent resignation of Coma historian, Jeff Smithery, who announced last month he would turn his focus from the past to the future,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft shared several exhibits that will be part of the Society’s grand opening next month including what appeared to be hand-drawn illustrations of futuristic concepts.

futurists society coffee cup on wheels

“Imagine a robot coffee cup,” Horncraft told the city council.  “It can move around on your table using a remote control.  Isn’t that amazing?  We are going to be sharing cutting-edge technology with citizens of Coma everyday.”

futurists society moustache style ideas

Horncraft said the “Moustache of the Future” will be part of an upcoming exhibit

The Coma Futurist Society is set to open next month.  According to Horncraft, there will be a variety of original, hand-drawn illustrations and diagrams depicting a “fantastic, futuristic world of possibilities,” as well as a magic exhibition and a collection of vintage TV Guides on display.

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