Archive for: December 2016

2017 Year in Preview

By Thomas Steven John, Future News Reporter

After a peyote filled weekend locked in my own house, this reporter has seen some major events that will occur in the town of Coma during the coming year.

Here they are in order of long-term damage:

1) The town is covered in Kudzu vines, also known as the “Mile-a-minute vine,” after a resident returns from a trip to Japan. This eventually spawns a “Light the Town on Fire” campaign and beer festival.

 

2) While driving through town, Bruce Springsteen is captured and held hostage by a large group of residents for two weeks because he rejected their earlier petitions for him to perform in Coma. Instead, he performs a concert in a nearby town.

 

3) A town-wide obsession with the new season of “The Death Valley Chronicles” divides Coma, spawns vitriol on the Coma Facebook page, and eventually martial law is declared and enforced by the National Guard. Extended negotiations led by the Peruvian embassy eventually defuse the crisis.

 

4) What’s that smell? A mysterious odor spreads through Coma for about eight weeks with no one coming forward with information or an admission of guilt.

 

5) On a bet, the local post office trains a pack of wolves to deliver the mail. The new mailbeasts are successful for a few days until they start demanding gold-plated health insurance plans and 40 percent annual raises.

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: What’s the deal with shoes? Will we still need them in the future?

A: Maybe.


 

Q: Are guitars still going to be a thing in the future? Or will humans find other ways to perform music?

A: I don’t know but that’s a really good question.


 

Q: How many years do you think it will take until humans can breathe under water?

A: About 229. Give or take a few years either way. But some of us will be long-dead by that time.

Serious: A Conclusion

The following is Serious, part of a year-long investigative series by Coma News Daily into the disappearance of a former Coma News Daily editor, Don Johnson Michaels.

By Johnny Reynolds, who is a news reporter and not Ryan Reynolds

Don Johnson Michaels was either a WhipIts addict or running from oppressors and/or ghosts.

He ran away from town nearly two years ago to escape a commitment to shovel snow for elderly residents in the town.

Or Michaels found out the town’s buzzard infestation was actually a conspiracy to steal local children and was eliminated by said buzzards.

Or the horse he rode off on was actually his love interest and took him—possibly against his will–to live in Mexico.

Or perhaps the missing editors’ erratic behavior was driven by an embarrassing case of swamp shorts.

After 12 months of reporting by Serious, including interviews with every local kook who knew Michaels, reviewing various documents that were generally unrelated to Michaels and even looking at heavily redacted police reports, we shook it all out, and saw what sticks.

The questions remain maddening. What do we know? What do we not know? Is what know that we don’t know actually known or unknown? Knowing now what we know versus what we knew we’d know at the beginning would we still have spent a year doing this?

The answer I believe to all of those questions is yes.

But from the beginning, this investigation was never really about Michaels. It was about this town. About us. And about me. This investigation has filled this reporter with so many emotions: sadness, despair, joy, terror and mostly nausea.

Sure we’ve learned interesting facts, like the middle aged Michaels lived in one of the stables on the estate of his boss, Davis Montgomery III, publisher of Coma News Daily.

Where are the facts that matter? Facts like where Michaels is now, how drunk is he or where that prize stallion he rode off on is now?

In so many ways the facts that matter were not known one year ago. And somehow we know even less one year later.

This is Serious.

Podcast: It’s a Wonderful Coma

It’s 32 degrees in Coma and your aunt is passed out beside the Christmas Tree.

This is Coma News Daily.
The complete internet news source portal for the Town of Coma.
This episode of Coma News Daily is brought to you by Kale flavored liquid ham. It’s the kale flavor that makes it so delicious.

This week we wrap up serious and find that none of the questions that needed to be answered got answered. We also prebreak the news of next year through one reporters peyote fueled fever dream. We find that Panera cork board can help you find someone and that soap made out of doves doesn’t wash away a broken heart.

Happy Holidays. Lasso the moon, George Bailey.

Love, Town of Coma

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As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!

Town of Christmas

 

Is Dove Soap Made With Real Pieces of Dove Meat?

By Stan Bargmeyer

This Christmas marks 12 years since my wife Lucille passed away.  Lucille was my wife of 35 years and then she just died.

I still remember our last night together.  I was wrapping a bar of Dove soap for one of my friends and I asked Lucille if Dove soap was made with real pieces of Dove meat?  I mean, why else would they call it Dove Soap? I assumed that doves were used somewhere in the process of making their soap.

Lucille told me that there was no dove meat in Dove soap. I remember feeling both relief and disappointment.  Lucille just laughed.

She always knew stuff that I didn’t know.

Like she knew that you should not hang candles on a Christmas tree.  And she knew that my recipe for meat juice could use more water and a lot less actual meat juice.  She knew that our mailman was NOT Walter Cronkite.  And she knew that what I thought were wild apes and monkeys living in the woods behind our house were only raccoons and a couple possums.

That was Lucille.  She was so much smarter than me.

Lucille baked cookies at Christmas.  And she sang Christmas songs.  All day and into the night.  Songs about silence during the nighttime and songs about a child drumming prodigy. I don’t know many words to Christmas songs so I don’t sing them.  I do know the words to “Born on the Bayou” by Credence Clearwater Revival.  So, sometimes I sing that song at Christmastime.

Sometimes it feels like when Lucille died, our house kind of died too.  Nowadays, I hear a lot of silence.  Stillness.  Like everything just stopped trying.  I didn’t think you could hear silence and stillness.  But you can.

Before she died, Lucille told me that I would never be alone. That she would still be here with me.  It doesn’t feel that way.  I struggle to do most everything nowadays.  Things she would have been so much better at doing.

But at Christmas, I can feel her.  Like she’s just in the next room and if I just walked in there I will see her sitting on the couch, writing notes on Christmas cards.  Or humming a song.  So most days I stay in the kitchen.  I don’t want to wander in to the next room just to see she’s not there.  Plus, I sometimes get lost if I wander too far from the kitchen.

This Christmas, I’m making homemade soap.  And I’m using real dove meat.  Actually, I couldn’t find any doves.  So, I’m using some frozen chicken nuggets.  I’m going to wrap the bars of homemade dove soap and give them as gifts.  Lucille would like that I’m making an effort to be friendly.  She would like that I’m trying to do nice things for other people.

All I ever wanted to do is nice things for her.

So, Merry Christmas.  And I apologize for the texture of the homemade gift soap.  It is a bit gamey.

Advertorial: It’s A Wonderful Life II

This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

Buy My Screen Play It’s A Wonderful Life II: It’s An Even More Wonder-fuller Life

DEE COLLINS
Buy My Amazing Screenplay:

“It’s A Wonderful Life II: It’s An Even More Wonderfuller Life”
I’m Dee Collins and when I’m not writing best-selling children’s ebooks, I’m pumping out an average of three to four screenplays every week and selling them through traditional classified advertising channels.
This week, and just in time for the holidays, I’m offering up a sequel to the smash hit movie, “It’s A Wonderful Life.”
Titled “It’s A Wonderful Life II: It’s An Even More Wonderfuller Life”, this movie packs even more action and thrills than the original. And with Dwayne Johnson taking on the titular role of George Bailey, you can practically count on a $150 million opening weekend.
Below is the logline and a sample from this sure-fire hit. Because it’s the holidays, I’m offering this script for only $650,000. But hurry! At that price, it won’t be available for long.

dwaynejohnson

LOGLINE
George Bailey is a hard-drinking, pancake-loving lady’s man with something to prove. After being kidnapped by the Illuminati, Bailey (played by hunk Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) discovers their secret plan to destroy Christmas. Bailey must fight the entire secret society while coming to terms with an eating disorder and a troubled family life.
EXT. WAREHOUSE- NIGHT

Snow falls gently over a wintry landscape. A warehouse sits quietly on a desolate street. The peaceful scene is suddenly interrupted by the sound of a CHAINSAW off-screen.
INT. WAREHOUSE- NIGHT
George Bailey, sixty-two, is tied up to a chair in the center of an abandoned warehouse. Bailey is ripped and looks really good! His face is covered in sweat. In front of him, a MASKED MAN waving a CHAINSAW paces back and forth. Another man, DOCTOR RICHARD NEWELL-MONCRIEF, stands a few feet away. He is dressed in a SURGEON’S UNIFORM.

DR. RICHARD NEWELL-MONCRIEF
Tell us where the sacred Christmas wreath is Mr. Bailey or I’ll have my hired assassin cut off your face with a chainsaw.

GEORGE BAILEY
The Sacred Christmas Wreath? Whoever controls that controls Christmas! I will never tell you.

DR. RICHARD NEWELL-MONCRIEF
Well then, George Bailey, looks like it’s time for you to “face” the music.

The popular Christmas song “Silver Bells” begins to play. The MASKED MAN with the chainsaw approaches George Bailey. Suddenly, George Bailey rips loose from his restraints and kicks the masked man in the groin. He takes the chainsaw from his hands and cuts off his head.

GEORGE BAILEY
Looks like I’m finally making some “head”-way
George Bailey turns and faces Dr. Richard Newell-Moncrief.
GEORGE BAILEY
Well, Dr. Richard Newell-Moncrief, looks like your plan to destroy Christmas has been foiled.

DR. RICHARD NEWELL-MONCRIEF

I guess so. I’m really surprised how quickly you busted out of your restraints. What are you going to do now?

GEORGE BAILEY
I’m going to chainsaw your body in half and then I’m going to eat some pancakes.

DR. RICHARD NEWELL-MONCRIEF
Oh no!
That’s all you get for now! Like what you see? Hit me up and let’s do business. I am looking for a million dollars cash up front for the whole story and will accept actual cash OR a money order. By the way, the phrase “I’m going to eat some pancakes” is sort of a catch-phrase that will be used throughout the film and would look good on a T-shirt or coffee mug.

Churches Collect Food, Phones, Game Consoles for Basement-Living Millennials

By Coma News Daily Staff

Each year, hundreds of young adults in Coma enter the fall without the basic food, smart phones and gaming supplies they need.

Several churches in town have banded together to change that. Operation Awesome Basement aims to provide hundreds of care packages, including gaming supplies and new smart phones to at-risk 20 to 35-year olds living with their parents in Coma.

“Together, we are helping these able-bodied-but-currently-unemployed adults learn and thrive at home and online, while building a bright future,” said Fr. Judas O’Connell.

O’Connell’s parish, St. Mary’s, is one of 10 Coma churches hoping to ease the angst and uncertainty that comes from living rent-free for a decade or more. The churches are collecting new or gently used gaming consoles and smart phones throughout August.

Why is Operation Awesome Basement needed?

Since these people have never held full-time employment, they’re still operating on a school-year calendar and that means autumn is a time of stress and change, organizers note.

footloose

“These gamers are going online against college students starting the school year with brand new video game systems–do you have any idea how that disadvantages my little boy?” said Bob Smith-Smith, whose 32-year-old son is a beneficiary of the charity drive.

Dave Anderson hailed the program for helping to keep his 25-year-old daughter from having to post mirror selfies from a 2015 phone.

“If she doesn’t upgrade her phone every couple months then her Instagram followers can get downright mean,” Anderson said.

Anderson’s daughter was unavailable to comment since she was still sleeping.

Stan Bargmeyer, a local elderly person, couldn’t afford a new phone donation so he donated a card for a one-month paid subscription to Xbox Live.

pay_phone_selfie

“I may be eating cat food this month but it’s worth it just to see their smiling self-pictures on the computer I use at the library,” Bargmeyer said.

Here are five simple ways you can help the neediest in Coma:

DONATE online. It’s fast and easy to do–so do it!

START SHOPPING and fill a backpack with ramen, GMO-free organic sustainable snack packs, gaming supplies, gaming consoles and phones.
Then drop it off at a local church.

COLLECT by organizing your own internal collection drive at your work, school, church, or club.

VOLUNTEER to help Operation Awesome Basement with marketing, data base tasks, sorting, item pick-ups, calls, etc.

ENGAGE your employer to provide in-kind items such as ironic t-shirts or Star Wars posters or provide specific supplies in bulk such as flash drives, selfie sticks or Vaseline.

Young adults who live in basements face many challenges and tremendous stigmatization – as a result, less than 25% end up finding the dream job that will pay them what they’re worth, organizers note.

Preparing these post-children for the fall with a new backpack filled with essential life supplies boosts their self-esteem and gives them the tools and confidence needed to thrive.

Sports Prognosticator, Cartel Leader Hutt Confirmed Dead

By Coma News Daily Staff

Authorities confirmed this week that popular NFL expert and reputed crime boss, Jabba Desilijic Tiure (Jabba the Hutt), was murdered by a group of rebels at the Great Pit of Carkoon last week.

While details were still emerging, authorities said Jabba was murdered following a surprise attack on his recreational sailing barge while entertaining guests.  The attack, which is still under investigation, sent shockwaves across the Outer Rim Territories and much of the Midwest.

“By all accounts, Mr. Hutt and his guests were enjoying an afternoon in the desert and were savagely and ruthlessly attacked by a band of rebel scum,” a source close the investigation said. “It’s disturbing.  You can’t even host a friendly get together on a sail barge without being murdered by criminals these days.”

Hutt, who some claim had ties to organized crime including arms dealing, spice smuggling and gambling, appeared to put his troubled past behind him recently and had gained following as a popular sports prognosticator and NFL expert.

The death of the beloved, jovial Hutt caught many by surprise, including many of those who followed his weekly NFL pick column on the Coma News Daily website.

“I was really shocked,” said Jax Owen.  “Mostly because I thought he had died a long time ago.”

Authorities said they are continuing their investigation and confirmed the suspects were still at large and considered to be armed and dangerous.