Archive for: October 2016

Comfortably Numb

By Sadie Cracker

I spent four weeks trying to fix my old, messed up, destroyed by time, oak kitchen table.

It’s not because I love the ideas on Pinterest it’s because I’ve had this table for so long. What if I could make this table I love better?

So, I spent weekends sanding down the wood (it’s real) to have it become something. A table better and prettier than it was before. And I sand and sand until my fingers hurt and start to bleed.

“This is stupid, Mom,” said Ben. He’s 13 and everything is stupid, especially me. Plus, he’s really good at math.

“This is not stupid,” I said.

“It is,” Ben said. “You work full time and that’s $40 an hour and all of the hours you don’t work are hours you could do something else.”

“Stop it.” I said. “This math is already too complicated for me.”

“My point is that you could do something you love rather than spend 3 more hours refurbishing this broken table,” Ben said.

And I look at Ben. He’s almost 14 now and he really means what he is saying right here.

“Maybe sanding this table is what I want to spend my time on,” I said. And I take the sand paper and I scrub and scrub the oak hoping it will look better and be something new and different I can love. Maybe all this care could make this table look like what it’s supposed to be because this table was so beautiful when I bought it 15 years ago.

“Maybe not. Maybe it can’t be because what you are doing is too hard,” Ben said. And he grabs the sandpaper, laughs, and he runs.

————————–

The Publisher of Coma News Daily says if I don’t stop writing about, “old people who get drunk and hang out in a bar” that he won’t publish this column, so, it’s Pink Floyd-Twister-Craft-Beer-Night at Bear’s Biker Bar. And two large bikers are coiled together unsure if their tree trunk leather thighs are on red or green Twister dots.

“What color did you just call out?” the biker in the tight leather said.

Bear is pouring himself a  “Banana Hammock” craft beer he created, which is based on Borat’s swim suit but with banana flavor.

borat

The craft beer called Banana Hammock has the subtle hint of a banana flavor.

“You’re not gonna give that gross beer to me you hippie!” yells my father, Stan, at Bear.

“No dude. This is for me. And them.”

And Bear points to the two barely-21-year-old girls who have whipped cream on their thighs for no reason and are watching the spectacle of two overweight bikers tangle in Twister. The girls spin the wheel. They call out the primary colors.

“Oh, they don’t care about beer,” said my dad. “They just want someone to pay attention to them and it’s not for you or the two overweight bikers who are over 40.”

monaBear looks at them and offers them a beer and both blondes shake their head, “No, we’re not eating,” they said.

And I said, “I’ll have that beer.”

“You want a banana hammock?”

“No. Just a beer,” I said.

“So you want a banana hammock? Because that’s the beer I’m serving.”

And I watch the young girls who’ve never been stretched by time or children and I watch them giggle because that’s what Bear is paying them to do since giggling cute girls seem to make men thirsty.

Charlie the Coma Librarian walks in with his guitar and a mandolin. He steps over the two bikers playing Twister on the floor and he laughs at the two nudish 20 year olds.

“What are you doing here?” he said.

“Advertising,”  said Bear. He’s barely 30 and a punk skate rat with tats who owns this bar and understands what advertising to millennials is.

“Basically soft porn?” said Charlie.

“No, advertising,” said Bear. And, “I kind date the blonde one.”

“Which blonde one?” said Charlie.

“Doesn’t matter, ” said Bear. “Either one.”

And the song Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd starts to play in the background:

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home?

“Where are the nude men?” said Charlie.

“My wife was so beautiful even in her clothes,” said Stan.

“What do you mean?” said Bear.

“I mean, where are the almost-naked men or the 40-year-old women?” said Charlie.

“The 40-year-old woman is there,” Bear said, pointing to me. “And the almost-nude men are playing Twister and Stan might get almost nude if he decides to take his pants off.”

“Hey, watch it buddy,” Stan said.

“I guess it just seems a little simple to use young women with whipped cream all over their bodies as a marketing ploy,” Charlie said. “I mean you can go on Instagram these days to see ‘artistic’ shots of young women nude.”

kardashian

“In my day that was girlie magazines,” said Stan. “Now it’s on every phone kids are looking at.”

“You are dumb, Stan. Old. You don’t get it,” said Bear.

And I laugh and I drink my banana hammock and Charlie walks up on stage and starts to tune his guitar because it’s Pink Floyd Twister Night.

I look down at my body. It’s seen the ravages of children, exhaustion, and no time to exercise.

The bar door swings open. Dr. Jimmy and Alan Pezzati  from A Home For Those Guys come wandering in and walk straight toward the almost-nude 20 somethings. The girls giggle at them and maybe those girls will go home with them later and will have the kind of sex that happens when men can’t talk to you about their divorce, their loneliness, their dreams, their struggles, their children, and the concert they went to and rocked in the early 90s because the girl they are with says, “yeah, potty training and learning to count to ten was really what I rocked in the 90s”.

And Pink Floyd plays on:

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying

And for those 10 to 15 minutes the void is filled with whipped-cream-dream of another body pressed up against you that makes you feel something that goes right back to being empty. You just press the like button on Instagram when you see  girl half naked. It’s a meaningless motion.

Dr. Jimmy comes over and asks Bear for a banana hammock for himself and one for the cute chick with the whipped cream that’s no longer whipped and more like lines of white foam falling down her thighs. And Bear said, “I’m kinda dating her.”

“Not tonight.”

“No. I kinda am. Why don’t you hang with chicks closer to your age like Sadie.”

I laugh so hard I spit beer from my mouth all over my hands. All over this bar. And Jimmy looks at me and then at my hands and said, “what happened to your hands, Sadie?”

“I’ve been sanding down this old oak table and it’s been rough.”

“Why don’t you buy a new table?” Jimmy said.

“That’s what my son asked me, but the thing is I like the work. I like to take that old table and work on it and take care of it because the new thing isn’t necessarily better.”

And Pink Floyd ends their song:

When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb

And Jimmy stares at me for a minute and pushes a strand of hair out of my eyes and he said, “but new is good with whipped cream for 15 minutes and you don’t have to care if it gets messy.”

I pat his hand and said, “I’m talking about a table. No. Really loving that dumb old table is better. “

He laughs and up on the rag-tag-bar-stage Charlie taps on the mic. “Sadie Cracker, Sadie Cracker. You’re needed on the stage for Pink Floyd Twister night.”

So I stand up and walk to the stage past the whipped-cream-nightmare-dream-girls, who are whispering “who is Pink Floyd,”  and one says, “you know, the oldies band but they are okay” and I pick up my acoustic guitar.

“Sadie won’t take her clothes off,” Dad yelled.

And everyone in the bar laughed.

And I tap on the mic and strum the first three chords of ‘Wish You Were Here’ because there seems to be something we’re all missing.

Podcast: Children of The Corn Maze

This week in Coma women are equal to everything as we don our pumpkin spice flavored bras and talk about Tinder relationships, sexy cinderblock costumes, and use sad face emojis. 

This is Coma News Daily.
The complete internet news source portal for the Town of Coma.
This episode of Coma News Daily is brought to you by Kale flavored liquid ham. It’s the kale flavor that makes it so delicious.

This week we can’t get serious because Johnny is out “in the field” trying to find some scary clowns.

As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!

Rejected-Nancy-Drew-Panties

Hosted this week by Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis, who does not write news but is attractive enough to read it and Sadie Cracker who is old and very boring. With news from T.S. John who can no longer prebreak news since he gave up his peyote habit and a news update on the Stan Bargmeyer tries to find himself a Halloween Costume.

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Boba Fett, Not Jabba The Hutt, Predicts Football Games- Week 7

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Week 7 with Special Guest Boba Fett

Last Week- 1 – 3

Season- 9 – 11

Greetings.  I’m Boba Fett.  You may know me best from my appearance in several extremely popular Star Wars motion pictures.  I’m filling in for my close friend and employer, Jabba The Hutt this week.  While I would not consider myself an “expert” in terms of American Football, I’ve handled a fair share of swine-flesh covered balls before.  But in all seriousness, I’m just as comfortable kicking back, watching a game while enjoying sweetened beets and Port syrup as I am studying the etymology of sugar bats in the South Pacific while enjoying a nice meal of candied saffron over molten porridge.

For those of you who haven’t heard, Jabba was injured this week after an unfortunate incident at a Buffalo Wild Wings.  He asked me not to share details about the mishap, but let’s just say Buffalo Wild Wings needs to tighten the access one has to their deep fryers.

Here are your sure-fire picks of the week…

Minnesota Vikings at Philadelphia Eagles

The team from the state of Minnesota appears better than the team from the other town.  I will select the team from Minnesota to win this ball game.

Minnesota 20 Philadelphia 12

New England Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers

The team from New England is traveling to the other team.  I have always loved to travel and believe it would an advantage to the team that is doing so.  Taking in the many wonderful, magical sights and sounds of a new environment is not only refreshing, it can be energizing as well.  I will select the team from the state of New England to win this contest.

NEW ENGLAND  31 PITTSBURGH 16

New Orleans Saints at Kansas City Chiefs

I prefer the team that is called the Chiefs in this match-up.  By all accounts, they are a group of wise leaders.  It would be difficult to pick against them.  Therefore, I will go with the collection of tribal leaders.

KANSAS CITY 33 NEW ORLEANS 31

Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals

I like the American football team called the Arizona Cardinals in this match.  I know very little about them, personally, but I get the sense they have a bit of moxie an sticktoitiveness.  A tip of the cap to those boys.

ARIZONA 24 SEATTLE 20

 

 

Opinion: I’m Going To A Costume Party But Don’t Know What To Wear

I couldn’t believe that I was invited to a Halloween costume party this year but I was! I’ve never been to a Halloween costume party.  I am a little nervous about going.  What do people do there?  What sort of customs or traditions are practiced?  Will they sacrifice an animal or something?
But most of all, I am nervous about my costume.  I’ve not had to come up with a costume since I was a young child and went trick-or-treating as “pale, skittish young boy with shovel”.
I really want to do good on my costume.  I want people to look at me and think “wow, it’s like I’ve been transported to another age and time because this person’s costume is so good and impressive.”
I have come up with so many great costume ideas but I can’t decide on which one I should use.  One thing about me most people probably don’t realize is that I can be very, very creative when it comes to costumes.  There have been many Halloweens where I’ve sat on my living room folding chair just thinking about what costume I would wear if I had the chance to wear one.
It is such an important decision.
So far, I’ve come up with the following ideas:
Guy eating cereal (I do own a cereal bowl and a spoon.  Just need some cereal and milk)
Guy talking on his phone.
Guy waiting for the elevator.
Man trying to pay for a parking meter but doesn’t have correct change
Guy who feels like there is a loose thread on his shirt but can’t find it and it keeps bothering him because if it’s not a loose thread on his shirt it might be a spider
Guy who wants a close circle of friends but is scared of rejection and judgment
Man who parked in a disable parking space and feels guilty about it.
sexykenbone

You can be a Ken Bone meme or you can be a cuter version of it with less of a sweater with this costume.

Guy who once met national recording artist Michael Bolton at an Arby’s in Topeka, Kansas but doesn’t like bragging about it to strangers.
This woman really ate this Arby's burger at the Arby's in Topeka kansas. This is not a costume.

This woman really ate this Arby’s burger at the Arby’s in Topeka kansas. This is not a costume.

Guy who enjoys watching The Weather Channel from time-to-time.  But, not like, every single day because that would get a little boring.
Man who believes the moon landings were, in fact, faked by the United States government in an effort to bankrupt the Soviet Union at the height of the Cold War.
twizzlers

Twizzlers did not exist during the fake Cold War.

See?  So many ideas.  And I have a lot more than just those.  I just can’t decide which one to use.  I am leaning toward “Guy waiting for the elevator” because I think that is the easiest one for me to do for a long period of time.  I once had to wait for an elevator and it was a really long wait!  It’s not fun but I think I could maintain it throughout the party without breaking character.
I want people to believe in my costume.  I want them to walk away thinking “that guy is going to be waiting for that elevator for a very long time. That elevator is likely never coming.”
I guess that’s what I’ll do.  Or maybe I’ll go as “pale, skittish old man with shovel.” At least I know that one.
Happy Halloween.

Town Hit By Hair Plugs Addiction Wave

By Coma News Daily Staff

It looks like ground zero for America’s  newest addiction wave is right here in Coma, USA.

Local law enforcement and healthcare officials report a surge in arrests and calls for emergency assistance stemming from an overdose of hair plugs.

“I’d like to thank sports broadcaster and thought leader Joe Buck for bringing attention recently to the deadly toll of hair plug addiction,” said Dr. Jimmy, a Coma physician. “Now we need to bring the necessary will and resources to address this mortal threat to our community.”

hairplugaddiction

The face of addiction is never pretty.

Fortunately, hair plug addiction appears to be limited to a small slice of Coma’s population. The scourge’s local foothold has come among the wealthiest Coma residents, due to the enormous costs of the elective cosmetic procedure. However, their addictions have spawned a mini crime was among local high earners, including cases of insider trading, corporate tax evasion, and usury.

“I would like to urge our local corporate executives, government contractors, and wealthy celebrities to get help before you end up in a minimum secuity country club jail for a short period of time,” said Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib.

But others warned that middle class residents are just one second mortgage or casino-type bank robbery away from being able to fall into the same insanely expensive addiction.

Joe Buck has bravely shown us how this addiction turns it’s victims into terrifying nightmare creatures–and I mean that literally–but I fear that won’t be enough to stem the appeal of this super slow fix to some,” Dr. Jimmy said.

Queries and Quislings

Queries and Quislings is an advice dispensary offered as a public service of Coma News Daily and the advice is written by Coma News Daily publisher Davis Montgomery III.

Dear Query Guy,
I am slightly overweight and feel unattractive. What is the best way for me to lose weight and look better to men? I really want a boyfriend. Actually. I really want to be married. What do I need to do to make this happen?
Sincerely,

Dieting Is Extra Tough

 

Dearest DIET,
The weight loss industry is currently peddling the Paleo diet of our cave-dwelling ancestors, whose 28-year average lifespans were apparently the very picture of health. If chasing meerkats across the great plains and eating twigs holds special appeal to you, then such a dietary alignment may prove an optimum fit.
However, it appears to me that the crux of your problem is the lack of an adequate spouse. I suggest joining your local polo club to help identify the very cream of Coma’s eligible bachelors. If you lack the funds or the
Je ne sais quoi to club with the finest, locate like-minded spirits by frequenting  the local library, exercise emporium or county fair–depending on your priorities.

hit it with a hammer 1
If such a spousal odyssey sounds as tiresome to you as it does to me, I would alternately offer the favorite advice if my amazing spouse: employ a hammer. Hammering is invigorating exercise. It makes you feel better and sometimes even results in the construction of something useful. So have at that problem with a hammer!

 

QG

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games- Week 6

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Week 6

Last Week- 3 – 1

Season- 8 – 8

I’m Jabba The Hutt.  You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films.  But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the Fall watching football and eating 100 Grand candy bars.

Progress! For those of you have have written to me to ask about my on-going litigation with the Pizza Hut pizza company, this was a big week for me.  I drafted a very strong, yet professional letter to the manager of my local Pizza Hut as I continue to implore them to change their name to avoid further postal service confusion.  I have included a copy of the letter at the end of this article for your review.  I think this very frustrating chapter of my life may finally be coming to a close (fingers crossed!).

Speaking of coming to a close (“What’s that? Jabba The Hutt can seamlessly seque from one topic to another? But, he’s just some bloated, globular creature without a brain!!” Wrong! I’m a complex, happy-go-lucky dude who is just a comfortable playing World of Warcraft until 4 a.m. as I am playing Call of Duty on the xBox until 2:30 in the morning)…wait.  I forgot where I was.

Oh! Yes.  Speaking of coming to a close, Jabba is now .500 on his picks for the season.  This is turning into a really great week for me.

Here are your sure-fire picks of the week…

Pittsburgh Steelers at Miami Dolphins

The game against Philadelphia seems to be a distant memory at this point as the Steelers continue to look like the Super Bowl contender we expected at the start of the season.  Miami, on the other hand, continues to be a mess.  The dynamic Pittsburgh offense gets in the end zone early and often in this contest as Jabba is going with the road team for the big win.

PITTSBURGH 30 MIAMI 13

San Francisco 49ers at Buffalo Bills

The 49ers made a very unsurprising move this week by naming Colin Kaepernick the starter for this week’s game against the suddenly hot Buffalo Bills.  Kaepernick would seem to be the perfect quarterback for Chip Kelly’s offense, but so many questions remain.  Like, how do you spell Kaepernick? Ha ha ha, ho ho ho.  “What is this? Jabba has a sense of humor?” Yes! I love to laugh.  I actually own the entire library of Law & Order TV shows, including all the spin-offs.  So…I like Buffalo to continue their hot streak and win at home.

BUFFALO 27 SAN FRANCISCO 17

Atlanta Falcons at Seattle Seahawks

Two really good teams.  Offense versus defense.  Loud stadium.  Mentor versus protege.  Dan Quinn, in his second year as Falcons’ coach is building something special in Atlanta.  Just like his former boss, the guy who coaches the Seahawks, has built in Seattle.  I’m still concerned with Seattle’s offense and their ability to be consistently effective.  I like Atlanta to finish their brutal two-game road trip with a win over the Seahawks.

ATLANTA 20 SEATTLE 16

Dallas Cowboys at Green Bay Packers

This will be the Cowboys’ first trip to Lambeau Field since the infamous “no-catch” call in the playoffs a couple years ago.  While Green Bay has struggled to get their offense humming this season, their defense has been solid. Same with the Cowboys.  The difference in this game will be Aaron Rodgers versus the (impressive) rookie Dak Prescott.  Rodgers will make just enough plays to help the Packers pull this game out on a late field goal.

GREEN BAY 24 DALLAS 22

And now, for those of you who have been following by battle with Pizza Hut pizza company, I wanted to share with you the strongly-worded letter I sent to Pizza Hut pizza company this week.  I think this give you an idea of what I’ve been dealing with.

 

Ms. Bambi Guererro

Manager

Pizza Hut Pizza Company Chain

21342 Saint Andrews Blvd. #250

Boca Raton, FL 33433

 

Dear Pizza Hut Person,

I am writing you a letter because I’m getting pretty angry about the fact that the United States Postal Service continues to mix up our mail.  I get a shit-ton of your mail each week and I’m guessing you get a lot of mine. LOL!

By the way, are you a girl or a boy? You’re name is Bambi, which seems like a girl’s name, but in the movie “Bambi”, Bambi was a boy.  I guess it doesn’t really matter, just curious.  Jabba’s getting off track! Ha ha ha ho ho ho!

This mail mix up may not be a big deal to you, but it is to me.  I recently missed an important invoice from a vendor, which made me late on my payment.  Now I have to pay for all merchandise up front! 

I would like to suggest you consider changing the name of your business.  I would change my name, but my legal, birth-given name is Jabba The Hutt.  Seems odd I would have to make that kind of sacrifice as I am a real-life person and you are a company.

To help you with this process, I’ve included some suggestions below.  At this point, we’re just spit-balling some ideas.  I’m sure your fancy marketing people can workshop these a bit to fine tune them.  It’s just a jumping off point, but I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what you see…

– Pizza House

-The Pizza House

-Pizza Garage (a personal favorite of mine)

-Pizza Tub

-Pizza Fort

-Fort Pizza (kind of a ‘switch-em-up’ on the last one)

-The Pizza Club

-Business That Sells Pizza

-Small Grass Dwelling Pizza Place (maintains essence of “hut”)

-Pizza Office

– Boba’s Pizza Palace (let that asshole deal with some of the mail issues I’ve been living with! LOL!!)

Again, these are just suggestions.  Any name change will do as long as you remove the word “Hut” from yourname.  I appreciate you taking this into consideration and wait patiently for your reply.  

Regards,

Jabba The Hutt

Historic Facebook Post Changes Coma Resident’s Vote

By Coma News Daily Staff

A Coma resident made history this week  when her social media post became they first in history to change someone’s vote.

When told of her historic achievement, Dee Collins, was surprised that all of her previous 322 political posts had not had the same effect.

So what’s her secret?

Collins said she carefully crafts her Facebook posts while keeping in mind they need to appeal to both the heart and mind of persuadable voters.

“These days, that usually means explaining that the candidate I oppose is going to burn down their house and imprison their family,” Collins said. “Civility. I keep the conversation civil.”

L

Her success has not come without a cost. Collins has had to replace several laptops and ipads in recent weeks after using a hammer to type in some of her political posts.

“They just don’t build these computers to last,” Collins said.

Despite the personal cost, Collins was thankful that social media allowed politically minded people like her to personalize their election appeals to their friends, family and acquaintances.

“It means a lot to me to be able tell these people that if they’re going to support that rat for office then I’m going to have to find them and do some bodily harm to them–it’s only fair,” she said.

judge

The beneficiary of Collins political activism was Chase Donovan, a local Coma teen who will be eligible to vote for the first time in the upcoming election.

“I was hoping that if I just agreed to whatever she wanted then she’d stop filling up my Facebook feed with all those posts about politics and rape or purges or whatever she’s talking about,” Donovan said. “I’m probably not going to vote anyway–but don’t tell her that.”

When told by a reporter that Donovan was unlikely to vote, Collins repeatedly and unsuccessfully demanded his home address so she, ” can set his house on fire.”

Joe Fingersniffer, a spokesman for Facebook, confirmed that Collins’ historic achievement came after approximately 900 billion politically related posts by others on Facebook.

“This really gives hope to the tens of millions of other shut-ins and unmedicated depressives who use our service to threaten their friends, families and acquaintances over politics,” Fingersniffer said.