Archive for: February 2014

Dr. Jimmy’s Advice for New Parents– How to Leave the House Wearing Pants

Dr. Jimmy’s Advice for New Parents– How to Leave the House Wearing Pants

By Doctor Jimmy

At my Clinic in The Town of Coma I am constantly asked by parents with small babies-  “because it takes so long to get a baby out of the house, Dr. Jimmy,  how can I make sure I am wearing pants?”

Here is a short check list I give them:

1)      Put the screaming baby down, preferably in a seat that it is strapped into as babies tend to run.

2)      Check yourself: are you wearing pants?

3)     – If you aren’t wearing pants go find a pair of pants. Put the pants on. Is the baby screaming? Don’t listen. You cannot walk out of the house without pants on.

4)    –  If you are wearing pants check your shirt or have now put pants on: Check your shirt. Is your shirt clean? Does it smell like baby vomit? If your shirt smells like baby vomit but you can’t smell it don’t worry about changing and leave the house immediately. Do not take time to think about it or you may never leave the house.

The most important thing for new parents is to make sure once you’ve found your pants and determined that your vomit stained shirt is not noticeable—make sure you bring the baby with you. Do not leave the house without the baby.

Free Puppy to the Right Home

classified chihuahua

I am giving away my Chihuahua puppy to the right home.  He has all his shots but he’s an asshole.  I can’t prove it but I think he shit in a pair of my shoes last week.  I know it wasn’t me and am pretty certain it wasn’t my girlfriend.  Unless my goldfish can climb out of their fish bowls and leave turds ten times larger than their bodies, the puppy is the most likely culprit (he refuses to admit to it).

Anyhow, it’s kind of an asshole thing to do to shit in somebody’s shoe so I don’t think he is the dog for me.  Note to potential owner: this dog seems to be judging me when I’m doing the love-making with my girlfriend (like he could do any better!).

Contact Roger if you’re interested.


Blog: How to Care for Your Pet Wolverine

Coma resident, Ed Potter, shares his tips on raising wolverines

Coma resident, Ed Potter, shares his tips on raising wolverines

By Ed Potter

There are dog people, old cat ladies and even folks who like fish as pets. But anyone who’s ever been fortunate enough to raise wild wolverines at home knows that the most honest and rewarding relationship is between a human and a wild, untamed and unpredictable small predator.

Raising wolverines is not like raising other pets. As someone who has lived with these insensitive and ferocious monsters for nearly two decades I can offer some tips and suggestions for first-time wolverine owners navigating their way through a potentially deadly–yet fulfilling–relationship.

No Wolverines in Your Bed

I made this mistake several times. It took losing half an ear a few years ago to realize that sleeping with wolverines is not a good idea. When the animal gets hungry, or playful, it is likely to gnaw on your ear and it unlikely to stop until it has consumed your ear (as was the case with me). While it might seem kind of cute the first time, after the second time you will regret your decision–especially if you wear eyeglasses.

Teeth Your Mouth Not Safe

I lost an incisor last spring after “Daffodil”, a three-year-old female wolverine, clawed and chewed it out of my jaw. Although this attack is relatively rare, the dog-like attraction of wolverines to bones should not be underestimated. The best way to prevent this is to never open your mouth around your pet wolverine. Ever.

Let Wolverine Urinate at All Times

It is not recommended that you attempt to house-train your wolverine. The animals evacuate their bowels everywhere and view efforts to clean it up as a direct challenge to their territory. Best advice is to simply steer clear of any place in your home where your wolverine has urinated.

Stay In Your Room After Dark

If someone were to ask me for just one piece of advice before leaping in to the world of wolverine pet ownership, I would probably plead with them to fear the dark. As soon as the sun sets, go into your bedroom, lock the door and don’t come out until daybreak. You’ll be tempted to open your door or check out that loud-pitch squealing or wonder where the faint sound of moaning is emanating from, but it’s best to leave it alone.

Full-body Chew Suit

Invest in a decent full-body chew suit. I know the ones they sell on for $495 seem tempting because they are so cheap, but trust me, you’ll regret it the first time it’s breached and you lose a tendon. Decent chew suits from start just under $1,200. When you add up the medical bills you’re sure to incur with the cheaper suit, the choice is pretty obvious.

That’s all of my advice. Remember to love your wolverine but also be very, very, very cautious because that violent, impulsive demon will chew your face off right in front of your eyes.

Ed Potter

Town Council Haiku Reading Erupts in Violence

By Coma News Staff

The reading of Robert McGuiness’ poetry at Coma’s Town Council meeting Thursday was cut short due to an altercation over  allegations that his winning poem was not a “fuckin Haiku,” as written.

Councilman Bob Smith-Smith, who does not write poems or watch TV but does read Wikipedia, leveled the allegations.

“It’s pretty simple.” Smith-Smith said. “The Wikipedia explicitly states that a Haiku is in fact a 5-7-5 syllable poem that also includes allusions to seasons. The second verse in this Haiku has what I believe is 8 to 9 syllables and has no allusions to seasons but instead alludes to pants.”
Soon after the allegations flew so did chairs thrown by McGuiness, who was flanked by a keg and burlesque dancers.

“It’s a poem!” McGuiness said. “It doesn’t have to make sense. Haven’t you read that chick Plath?”
Representatives from Comcast, HBO and FX, all of which sponsored the poetry contest in varying ways, did not respond to requests for comment. A representative for Timothy Olyphant, who asked for anonymity to protect his safety, defended the actor’s choice of pants as “showing character.”

“We need to call in an expert to investigate this Hai-coup,” said Mayor Anderson.

Unfortunately, the only Coma resident qualified to assess the poem’s technical merits, Sadie Cracker, was not immediately available.

Cracker, whose English graduate degree from NYU has given her comprehensive grammatical knowledge over questions like when to use a semi-colon and what constitutes a haiku, is traveling. And it is unclear when Cracker will conclude her cross-country search for both the Zombie apocalypse and her sometimes, younger boyfriend.

Council members discussed sending Cracker a telegram if her location can be determined or sky writing a plea for her to call and provide insight on this very serious matter.The poem in question is below:

Justified Pants (a fuckin’ Haiku)
Rayland your jeans fit
Boyd’s rolled jeans are criminal
limited cowboy

Coma Author’s New Book A Whimsical Tale About Pie-Faced Boy


Coma children’s author, Stanford Higgens, released his latest book yesterday at a signing event at the Coma Library.  Titled “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head“, the book tells the story of a young boy named Milo whose head is made entirely out of a delicious, yet undefined, homemade pie.

“The three best things in the entire world are pie, people’s heads and children,” the author said.  “In ‘Don’t Eat Milo’s Head’, I’ve brought those things together into one story that I believe will launch a new genre of food-headed themed stories for children.”

In the story, Milo wakes up one morning to discover his entire head is made out of freshly-baked pie.  As he navigates through his journey, Milo seeks to discover how his head was transformed into a delicious baked good and how such a turn of events will have an impact on the rest of his life.  Throughout the story, Milo must evade an array of hungry bandits, raccoons, pastry chefs and members of the 38th United States Congress. 

“I think my favorite scene in the book is when former New Hampshire Senator John P. Hale turns to Indiana Senator Thomas A. Hendricks and says, ‘I’m gonna ratify that pie right into my belly,'” said Higgens.  “Those are the fun little surprises peppered throughout the story.  I mean, imagine a former United States Senator stuffing his face in such gluttonous fashion!  It’s whimsical!”

Higgens said his latest effort has opened his mind to a lot of different opportunities.

“I realize now that you can combine any food item with any body part and whammo! you have a children’s story,” the 49-year old author said.  “It’s inspiring.”


Higgens was quick to defend himself from recent criticism that “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head” is too graphic in places for young children, particularly a scene near the end of the story where Milo’s head is ravaged by a pack of dirty hobos under the Brooklyn Bridge, leaving the young protagonist with little more than crust for face.


“There is a symmatry to this story and I think once people have had an opportunity to digest it, and just for the record that pun was completely and entirely unintended, but once people absorb the journey and reflect upon it, they will see that it all fits together quite magnificently, even if Milo does end up dying at the hands of dirty, filthy hobos,” Higgens said.

Higgens next effort is already in the works.  Titled ‘In the Land of Reuben Hands’, it tells the story of a group of young children who wake up one morning to find their hands have been replaced by delicious Reuben sandwiches.


Robert McGuiness Wins Coma’s First Annual ‘Justified’ Poetry Contest

By Coma News Staff
Local potty mouth, Robert McGuiness, won Coma’s first annual ‘Justified’ poetry contest.
“What better way to support the real American heroes of ‘Justified’ than a poetry contest?” said Mayor Anderson.
The competition included 730 haikus from McGuiness, who is one of three cable television viewers in the Town of Coma.
“I haven’t watched this particular show but that Timothy Olyphant was amazing in Deadwood. I only watch HBO,” said Mayor Anderson. “So I think Tim Oly, hopefully I can call him that, deserves the chance to have some poetry written about him.”
The poetry contest was sponsored by Comcast, underwritten by HBO, and backed by FX and TNT.
“I’m really glad I submitted the maximum number of entries,” McGuiness said. “I think the quality rose substantially as I got more drunk.”


The winning poem, reprinted below, will be read by Bob Smith-Smith, town council member, tonight at the Town Council meeting along with the other 729 entries McGuiness submitted to the contest.
Justified Pants (a fuckin’ Haiku)
Rayland your jeans fit
Boyds rolled jeans are criminal
limited cowboy
“The town is excited for Bob.” said Mayor Anderson. “Hopefully the town can learn more about cable TV through his poetry.”
Marlee Bumgartner, shut in and political activist, was the only other poetry contest entrant. She declined to comment citing her ongoing mourning for the loss of ‘Breaking Bad.’

Man Fears His Cat is Plotting to Kill Him

Coma resident, Paul Burkee, is convinced his cat his trying to murder him

Coma resident, Paul Burkee, is convinced his cat his trying to murder him

In what legal experts are calling a first, long-time Coma resident Paul Burkee filed a restraining order yesterday against his cat, Colonel James T. Parker III, at the Coma County Courthouse, claiming the pet is trying to “murder him to death.”

In documents filed by the 27-year old retail clerk, Burkee described a terrifying series of events that transformed his once loving relationship with his cat into a bizarre and vicious ordeal.  According to Burkee, the drama began to unfold one morning last month when he found Colonel James T. Parker III in his pantry with a butcher’s knife clutched tightly in one paw.

“That cat knows my routines,” Burkee said.  “Every morning, I wake up, take a shit and then go to the pantry to get a Pop Tart.  He knows that and I think he was planning on ambushing me.”

Burkee took this photo after finding Colonel James T. Parker III in his pantry

Burkee took this photo after finding Colonel James T. Parker III in his pantry

Although the ordeal was startling to Burkee, he said he chalked it up to “Colonel James T. Parker III being Colonel James T. Parker III” and didn’t think much more about it.

“It’s not unusual for that cat to do weird stuff,” Burkee said.  “A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night and found him in the kitchen making pancakes.  So, the fact he was rummaging through utensils was not a shock.”

Burkee said he believes the source of the conflict likely started last summer.  After being out of work for nearly two months, Burkee told Colonel James T. Parker III he would be responsible for half the rent.  According to Burkee, the cat did not respond positively to the news.

“He was kind of an asshole about the whole thing,” Burkee said.  “He didn’t acknowledge it and kind of ignored me for a few weeks.  But I think it really pissed him off.”

Last week Burkee was preparing to grill a steak when he discovered his cat sliding a bottle of poison across the deck toward the grill. 

“That’s when I knew this was getting serious,” said the twice-divorced Burkee.  “Cats don’t just walk around with bottles of poison unless they plan on using it.”

According to Burkee, The Colonel recently attempted to casually slip some poison into food he was preparing

According to Burkee, The Colonel recently attempted to casually slip some poison into food he was preparing

Burkee said he finally decided on the restraining order as a last ditch effort to salvage his relationship with his cat but admits at this point it is unlikely the two will ever be roommates again.  Burkee added that although he will miss Colonel James T. Parker III’s pancakes and hot-tubbing with his feline friend, he refuses to be ignorant about this situation.

“I’m not going to be one of those guys who wakes up dead one day because they refused to see the signs about how their pet was plotting to kill them,” Burkee said about his decision to seek legal protection.

Town Bans Olympics

Town Bans Olympics
By Coma News Staff
Shaun White may be an internationally heralded celebrity but he better stay clear of Coma.
No Olympians or Olympic viewing will be allowed in the town of Coma after this week’s emergency order from the Coma Department of Health and Human Services (CoDe HHS).
“The risk that one of our precious children would imitate the increasingly dangerous activities literally celebrated by the Winter Olympics was too great of a risk to allow such viewing to continue,” said Coma HHS Director Margaret Singer.
The ban was precipitated by HHS officials watching injuries occur during the half pipe, luge, pairs figure skating, and curling competitions.

“But the straw that broke our backs was that ski around and shoot at people event,” Singer said. “Half these ‘sports’ seem like something out of one of those ‘Saw’ movies.”

Even medalists have suffered serious and traumatic injuries during the Sochi Olympics

Even medalists have suffered serious and traumatic injuries during the Sochi Olympics

Any viewing, listening, coverage, interviews or descriptions of the Olympics without the express written consent of HHS is prohibited.

Similarly, discussing Olympians or any combination of Shaun White, skating neon Pink Panther themed German dildos, or disappearing toilets also is banned.  Singer added that although the ban on dildos is not new she likes to reinforce that message at every opportunity since it was first included in guidelines issued last month for proper hand washing.

“We’re trying to save lives here, people!” Singer screamed for no apparent reason. “We have a mandate!”

Violations of the ban will be enforced by roving vans packed with Agents of Hygiene. However, HHS officials encourage reports by members of the public on potential violations by neighbors, relatives and random strangers.

Injuries in the Winter Olympics, like the recent decapitation that occured during the Curling event (above), has lead the town of Coma to instigate a ban on the popular sporting event

Injuries in the Winter Olympics, like the recent decapitation  during the Curling event (above), has lead the town of Coma to implement a ban on the popular sporting event

Residents administratively determined to have violated the HHS ban will face a minimum of a six month “sanitation quarantine.”
“We don’t want to prejudge it but we may extend the ban to the Summer Olympics if any injuries occur,” Singer said. “Although without all of this slippery snow I’m not sure how dangerous gymnastics or diving, for instance, could be.”