Sunken Kayak Only Remnant of Popular Riverboat Casino
Out of State Man Arrested for Skunk Breeding Without a Permit
Town Action Committee Finalizes Plan for Internet Access in Coma
Coma MegaWinnings Jackpot Now Up to 2 lb Bag of Rice

News

sgt peppers coma front page

‘Save the World’ Saves the Bar Scene

By Coma News Daily Staff Remember when Coma politicians wanted to 'Save the World' one outdoor-summer-small-town venue at a time? The band...

Living

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Queries and Quislings

Queries and Quislings is an advice dispensary offered as a public service of Coma News Daily and the...

Sports

yogaappreciationsociety

Down Dog Appreciation Society Coming

By Thomas Steven John, future news reporter Yoga enthusiasts and enthusiasts of yoga enthusiasts will realize their long-held dream of a ...

Opinion

dr jimmy 2

The Internet and Your Safety

[caption id="attachment_48" align="alignnone" width="300"] Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, sprawled out on a fallen tree during a photo shoot las...

Coma History

Timeline of bans in Coma created by Mayor Dave Anderson.

Timeline of Bans in Coma

By Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic The recent ban on paper products in Coma is just one of many bans enacted o...

The Internet and Your Safety

dr jimmy 2

Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, sprawled out on a fallen tree during a photo shoot last fall for his “The Many Ways Death Can Kill” project

By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy

Since going on line on the computer world nearly three months ago, a lot of citizens have been asking me if it’s safe to be using computers to read news and information and to do other things.  I wanted to take a moment to reassure the citizens of Coma that for the most part, the internet and computers are relatively safe.

Furthermore, it is highly unlikely that a computer or an internet can be used as a violent weapon.  While it is physically possible for someone to wield a personal computer hard drive or a monitor to inflict pain and suffering on another human being, it is no different than a television in that regard.

Therefore, I am rating the internet and/or computer as a six on Dr. Jimmy’s “Object as a Practical Tool of Violence” Meter.  This is slightly higher than a microwave oven and a little less than a manhole cover or denim pants.  For reference sake, an abbreviated version of the meter is included below.

 

Dr. Jimmy’s Object As A Practical Tool of Violence Meter

10-           Hand grenades, firearms, swords, Katana Samurai swords, cannons, heavy artillery

9-              Broken glass, fireworks, Legos, battery acid, baseball bats (wood)

8-              Bag of batteries, cantaloupe,  saw, hammer, toothbrush whittled to a fine point

7-               BB gun, peanut brittle, baseball bats (aluminum), manhole cover, water (frozen)

6-              Monopoly game pieces, tire iron, internet, scissors, raw spaghetti noodles

5-              Stick, microwave oven, pretzels, rolled up magazine, toaster oven

4-              Traditional Baatwon “Rabies” Stick, keys, lobster claw, 2.5 lb. dumbbell

3-              Captain CrunStickch Cereal, hard boiled eggs, elastic bands,  gloves/mittens

2-              Photographs of horses, cassette tapes, grass clippings, yogurt

1-              Chewed banana, water (unfrozen), hair, letters of the alphabet

 

Classified: Town of Coma News Seeks Weekend Reporter

Newspaper reporter at typewriter

 

Are you a hard charger who has to win and doesn’t quit? Then you might be a good match for an opening for a weekend reporter for the Town of Coma News. Breaking news, such as plant abductions and corn maze fiascoes, don’t wait for the regular work week and neither does our award-winning coverage. Candidates with 10-12 years experience preferred but we may consider someone who is new to journalism and willing to grind out an on-the-job education. Candidates with advanced journalism degrees preferred. Duties include some light housekeeping, childcare, meal preparation and adult diaper changing. Please email breakingnews (at) townofcoma.com if you are interested in this intense and highly rewarding job. Compensation: Breaking the news.

Queries and Quislings

Queries and Quislings is an advice dispensary offered as a public service of Coma News Daily and the advice is written by Coma News Daily publisher Davis Montgomery III.

 

Dear Query Guy,
How do I find happiness? When I was young my mom told me to get out of the house and find the little leprechaun who guarded a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But every time I went to find the rainbow it would vanish. When I got older I searched for that leprechaun in other things–stationary bicycles, dark alleys, matching knit sweaters–and I still can’t find it. All I ask is that you help me find happiness and a way to stay happy all the time.
Signed
Happy Adventures?

3586660226_7e2ae26b74-300x191

 

Dear HA,

Where there is laughter there is frequently mirth. But laughter has always been very close to pain–to wit, the court jester’s arrival shortly before Hamlet’s suicide and the playful  romp of miniature miscreants in ‘Game of Thrones’ immediately preceding Joffrey’s poisoning.

In truth, laughter and pain are tightly intertwined.
Does that mean you should amend your odyssey to search for  a bull whip-bearing billionaire midget? No (the combination is highly unlikely and they are notoriously difficult to train).
Instead, I would suggest heeding the advice my sweet petunia always offers when occupants of our tenements wail about their lack of heat in the depths of winter: hit it with a hammer!

hit it with a hammer 1
Take your sadness and hit it as hard as you can with a hammer. Hit it again and  again, until you are too exhausted to move and the only thing you can do is laugh.

 

Sincerely,

QG

Timeline of Bans in Coma

11 Coma Ban Decision Tree

By Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic

The recent ban on paper products in Coma is just one of many bans enacted over the past six months.  Some of the more significant ones are listed below:

April 7-  Mugs or cups that depict a graphical representation of love using a heart as opposed to spelling out the word “love”

April 19- Naked salads (salads, including macaroni-style and potato-style lacking appropriate dressing or reasonable sauce of some kind)

May 22- References to “That 70s Show”, “Dude, Where’s My Car?”, Lindsey Lohan movies or other media that glorifies the use of marijuana, alcohol or other mind-altering substances

June 5- Non-dairy whipped topping

June 15- Open containers containing more than five gallons of gasoline may not be set on fire within city limits

June 29- Open sores or wounds of more than 4 cm in length

July 11- Music, spoken-word poetry or miming that deliberately creates “spirit of rebellion” in youth

July 30- Frisbee playing in public places within city limits (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)

July 30- Hanky panky (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)

July 30- Fun Dip and any candy or food item that utilizes an edible device as a form of silverware (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)

August 4- Murder in public places within city limits

August 12- Paper products and items that are comprised of at least 80 percent paper or require paper in their production or require the use of paper in order to function properly

To assist citizens in making good, legal choices, the mayor’s office has issued a helpful cheat sheet for people to use when deciding to undertake an activity.  See above.

 

Mystery Solved: The Heart of a Man

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Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, maybe you should start thinking about getting a job rather than this private detective stuff. It seems like its just not panning out because there’s no money in it.
Marybell: Daddy, that’s sexist. How much was Einstein paid for his theory of eels and stuff?
It’s almost impossible to be a private dick in a mans world.
Men are mysteries. Like, why do they put their hands down their pants? Why do they stay in a bathroom for two hours and still walk out and their hair isn’t even combed? Why do they wear Jockey shorts, which is so sexist–there are women jockeys, people!
All these questions remind me of the time at a zoo I saw a gorilla hurling his own fecese at the shatter proof glass and I know this is not a good comparison because men have totally evolved beyond poop jokes and the need to have sex with some poor small much younger monkey lady?
But beyond all of the intricacies of men that I’ve mentioned above, I wanted to solve the greatest man-mystery of all: how you get to the heart of a man. Even more important, what is at the heart of a man? Is it love? Is it the need for intimate talks and walks on the beach? Is it every Lifetime movie where the man just wants to deeply understand what is inside of a woman’s heart? In short, what makes men tick?
So I went to the only place that made sense–an airport bar.
I sat next to a middle-age dude, we’ll call him airport guy, who was trying very hard to help a girl my age remember her phone number.
“What’s your phone number?” airport guy said.
“I don’t remember,” phone girl said and left the bar.
My phone was dying and the bar had a charging station under where airport guy was sitting so obviously I said “can I put my chord between your legs?”
And he looked at me and suddenly asked me the nicest thing.
“How is your day going?”
So we talked about really really important things like Tinder and he told me that chick who couldn’t remember her number really missed out on his texting skills. I told him i was a detective writing about the heart of men. He also told me that he’s also a private dick “in a way” and is also a writer–just like me!
Of course I gave him my email address so he could share his stories.
We said our goodbyes and when he finally sent me a story it was all about how I could help him in some really gross ways. It was also illustrated with “private dick” photos that were so gross and no one should have to see.
I was confused. Is this the heart of a man? So, I asked the smartest man I know, my Dad, about it.
Me: is this the heart of a man Daddy?
And I showed him the pic of airport guy’s  very uninformed “private dick pictorial” story of what women want. Also, Airport guy is  married. It was really easy to find that fact out.
Daddy Warbucks: Ah, gross. Where did this come from?
Me: Some guy in an airport who told me he’s a writer and a detective, like me.  Is this the heart of a man?
Daddy Warbucks: No, I’ve never sent anything like that to a woman.
Me: Then what is the heart of a man?
Daddy Warbucks: Men and women are different, it’s true. But I think, in the end, everyone wants to be cared about for who they are, cherished, loved, cared for, treated with kindness and respect. That’s love. And then there are douches like this guy you met and no one can fix is heart or his unfortunate picture skills.
The mystery of a mans heart is solved. Men have good hearts too and also better underwear names. I am getting so good at this job.

Yoko App Promises to Help GenX With Direction

The following is paid advertisement and does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

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From the mind of Bob Smith-Smith, former Coma Town Councilman, father, grandfather and twice married businessman, comes a breakthrough directional tool for Generation X, called simply YOKO.
Bob Smith-Smith: I developed YOKO, based on the WAZE App, because I can’t always be there to direct my kids and grandkids, and tell them “Oh no you’re doing that wrong.” And below is an example of how it works.
Guy who is 43, wearing a plaid flannel, and listening to Beastie Boys, “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” : YOKO, Is it ok if my kids play in the yard without me hovering three feet away?
YOKO APP: Oh no, don’t do that. You’re a failure as a parent.
Guy working at a used book store in the Japanimation section: YOKO, Is there anything I can do to get out of this career slump?
YOKO APP: Oh no, your job is meaningless. But you can always live in my basement.
GIRL wearing a beret and an ironic “hang in there” tee-shirt: YOKO, are my mom and dad right that I need a practical degree from a good college?
YOKO APP: Oh no, you should follow your street art dreams. You’ll always have your grandfather’s basement to live in.

Bob Smith-Smith: Finally, you can make sure the voice of experience and reason are always with you, to give you the right direction for your life.

‘Save the World’ Saves the Bar Scene

By Coma News Daily Staff

Remember when Coma politicians wanted to ‘Save the World‘ one outdoor-summer-small-town venue at a time?

The band “Save the World,” which is comprised of Coma baby boomer politicians has lowered their sights a bit during this year’s summer tour.

“We realized ‘the world’ is very large. We are just three amazing musicians and that chick tambourine player, so literally saving the world is a lot to ask,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson.

Mayor Dave Anderson sings a song about fighting the man and then confuses himself since he's the man.

Mayor Dave Anderson sings a song about fighting the man and then confuses himself since he’s the man.

Anderson not only plays lead guitar for the band but also leads a town government known for pioneering new tax schemes, like a sidewalk use tax and a buzzard-landed-on your-property tax.

“What we know we can save is the bar scene in Coma,” Anderson said. “Right now, there’s way too much jazz and Sadie Cracker playing some weird accoustic crap because she’s the only attractive woman in town. We realized that once again what’s needed is more overplayed 60s music–and John Lennon references, lots of Lennon references.”

Before they transformed to punk 'Save the World' was reliving the amazing songs of the 60's in a cow field.

Before they transformed to punk ‘Save the World’ was reliving the amazing songs of the 60’s in a cow field.

This summer ‘Save the World’ will play every bar, restaurant and food truck gathering in Coma–and possibly some grocery stores.

“I never realized about it before,” said  Bob Smith-Smith, former Town Council member and the band’s drummer. “But what the world really needs is some shredding between their lettuce heads. And do mean the guitar kind of shedding and not the food processor kind. Also, my current wife, who is almost 30 years younger than me and super hot, will really love to hear me play guitar while she’s purchasing some salad ingredients.”

Some people who don’t feel the same, including the newest member of Save the World, Jax Owen.

“We’re just better at larger venues, where I’m also more likely to find some lonely married women who need someone to love them for just 3 to 4 minutes,” Owen said.

The main goal of the band this year remains the same: To spread the wisdom and integrity of the baby boomer generation to “all of those Gen Xers who are pretty much idiots about life,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters, who plays the “very important” tambourine.

So check out Save the World this summer, as it saves bars and produce aisles all over Coma. Details on play dates and locations can be found on the town government.

Study Sheds Light on People Named Dog Bone

dog bone study

By Coma News Staff

A study released by the Coma Institute for Research & Understanding Things (CIRUT) suggests that people with the name Dog Bone are seven percent more likely to own a gas-powered chainsaw and 162 percent more likely to sever a limb with a chainsaw than people who are not named Dog Bone.

“This study will undoubtedly give parents pause before they name a child Dog Bone,” said Dr. Jimmy, Coma town physician.

Dr. Jimmy conducted the study as part of a national grant he received to “study” important things related to Coma with researchers at CIRUT.

The study found that people named Dog Bone have a greater chance of having a tattoo on their neck or face and are more likely not to  “give a damn” about “stupid bullshit” like math, individual retirement accounts or proper dental hygiene.

The study was conducted over the course of 36-weeks and had one participant.  Researchers said they would have preferred to include more participants in the study but could only find one person in Coma named Dog Bone.

“It would have been nice to have more subjects,” Dr. Jimmy said.

The full report will be released later this month.

Dog Bone Higgens refused to comment saying he “doesn’t give a damn about stupid bullshit.” like a news article.