Archive for: October 2015

I Think Aliens Provide Lawn Care Service in My Neighborhood

Editor’s note: As part of Coma News’ community outreach, the following blog excerpt is one of a selection of local online postings we will re-publish by residents and business owners.

Artist's depiction of what Steve Phillips says is an alien mowing his neighbor's lawn recently like it was no big deal.

Artist’s depiction of what Steve Phillips says is an alien mowing his neighbor’s lawn recently like it was no big deal.

 

By: Steve Phillips, Stoner, Coma Cultural Icon, Spokesperson for Alan’s Vape and Vinyl

I’m pretty sure aliens from outer space have started a small lawn care service in my neighborhood.

Last week I was sleeping and heard a lawnmower going and I thought, “who the hell mows their lawn at 2:30 in the afternoon?” (inconsiderate).  I got up and peeked out the window and I saw this alien guy mowing the neighbor’s lawn.

I told some of my friends and clients and they all thought I was seeing things.  But I have been watching movies on television for almost my entire life and think I know what aliens look like.

This alien had green skin and a long beard (kind of like Jesus, but no hair).  He was wearing khaki shorts, a t-shirt and a ball cap and was just mowing lawn like it was the most normal thing ever.

He must have used some kind of mulching mower because there was no bag on the mower and I didn’t see any clippings or clumps of grass getting scattered around.  Mulching mowers are the only way to go.  That motherfucker invested his money well when he bought that mower.  He doesn’t have to worry about raking and bagging.

That’s the worse part is the raking and bagging.

But where did he buy his lawnmower?  I don’t think aliens would just walk into a hardware store like it was no big deal and start buying lawnmowers.

That don’t add up in my mind.  Maybe he borrowed it?  That makes more sense.  Especially if he borrowed it from an alien friend or something.  Then nobody is walking around a hardware store asking where they keep their mulching mowers.

I decided to ask him about it.  I opened my window and I yelled out “hey, alien-guy, where’d you get that lawnmower?” but I don’t think he could hear me over the sound of the lawnmower.

All-in-all, he did pretty good work on the lawn.  I would appreciate it in the future if he didn’t mow the lawn at such a ridiculous hour, but I can’t complain about the quality of his mow.

The bigger question is what is going on around here?  It feels like we are in the midst of a serious alien invasion.  First they built convenience stores overnight and now they’re mowing lawns?  Last month, and I haven’t told anybody about this yet, but I swear I heard an alien doing a weather report on the local radio.  I still need to look into that one.

I’m going to report this to city officials.  I tried reporting it to the police last time I was arrested for possession but they didn’t seem to care.  They are likely involved in the conspiracy in some capacity.  But Mayor Anderson seems like a pretty stand-up dude so I’m hoping he will listen and help us discover the truth.

Anyhow, I wanted everyone to know about this because I wasn’t able to get any pictures because my phone doesn’t have a camera on it.

Maybe you can be on the lookout and take some photos so we have evidence.  Secondly, I wanted everyone to know there is a new option in town for affordable lawn care services.

Coma FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

 OFFER [Freecycle Coma]: Johnny Depp posters. Coma theater group.

Two posters, both are large pictures of Johnny Depp in costume (the pictures are different) from Pirates of the Caribbean. If more than one person responds, I will probably give one to each of the two people, but you can express interest in one or both. Paper posters covered by clear plastic and framed as noted below.

Black frame: 22-1/2 inches wide x 34 inches high
johnny depp
White frame: 26 inches wide x 38 inches high. Note: this frame is a little nicer but the poster is slightly smaller than the interior of the frame, so there is about one inch of brown backboard showing around all sides.
Note: the faces on both posters’ have been cut out. Email Shane Darvish at townofcoma@gmail.com
WANTED [Freecycle Coma]: Human Hair– near downtown Coma. Not a wig shop.
I need some human hair. Nothing weird. Just need some hair. Not going to make anything too strange with the hair I just need it. Prefer women’s hair– blonde/dirty blonde, straight and long (sorta David Beckham). Washed/ unwashed does not matter as long as it’s clean. Attention Thomas Steven John at townofcoma@gmail.com
TAKEN [Freecycle Coma]: Desk top burglar alarm
My house was broken in to last night and this item was taken. So everybody needs to please stop emailing me to ask for it. Thanks. Dee Collins
On Friday, March 7, 2014 8:37 PM, Dee Collins <townofcoma@gmail.com> wrote:

Portable GE Zonar alarm can sit on a bookshelf across doorway. Emits ultrasonic beam that when interrupted triggers an 85db warning horn. Requires car battery (need to get your own). If interested please respond with phone number so I know you are a real person and not a spammer.

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

An LOL Girl Mystery: Why So Much Suffrage?

The following is blog by a Coma resident excerpted as a community service by Coma New Daily.

by Marybell Davis, Amazing life Lived, 25 years Old, Awesome Blogger of Awesome Things (and Private Dick)

Daddy Warbucks: Why are you wearing that mud mask on your face and cellophane all over your body, Marybell?
Me: Because I am trying to solve the mystery of sufferage.
Daddy Warbucks: I think you mean suffrage?
Me: I mean of suffering.
It’s a mystery why women weren’t allowed to vote. There are so many things we do well when it comes to making decisions. For instance, last night I decided to see “Suffragette” at the Women are Awesome in Movies! (or WAAM!) film festival at the Coma Laundry and RollerRink. I knew it would be amazing because it was sponsored by some film student guys from NYU .
As I walked in, the organizers were turning some women away at the door. It looked like there was plenty of room but the guys were super serious that women with children or “appearance issues” just don’t understand art films. They let me and my sorority friends in as long as we left them our numbers for “follow up questions on womanhood.”
Before you ask, no, Suffragette has nothing to do with Smurfette or any other obviously made up creature whose only issue is that she lives with a bunch of blue men who don’t appreciate what they’ve got.
So. wrong.
Suffragette was actually about how horrible woman had it before we had decent clothes, the right to a wide range of facial creams, and the technology to scientifically suck away unwanted fat.Trust me, when I first heard I was going to see an Indie film with some film nerds I thought, “I’m too attractive to sit in a dark room for three hours watching some people with bad teeth and British accents talk about suicide.” But you know what? I learned the film was actually a great detective case about why so much suffrage occurred to get us to where we are today as women.

Let's face it. We've come a long way.

Let’s face it. We’ve come a long way.

Ladies, we’ve come a long way. Not only can we vote for elections and make the same political mistakes as men but we also have been freed from the horrible look chicks were rocking in the 1800s. Nothing says feminism today like Spanx, hairspray and eyebrow threading.

And let’s not forget the men who’ve helped us get here. It’s not just the Hollywood people, like those NYU guys, but also the technology of Silicon Valley, which allows me to devote at least an hour each day taking the perfect selfie. I also have technology and our entertainment gurus to thank for bringing me my personal role model: Beyoncé. When I saw her on that Comcast commercial where she was writhing around on the floor with a giant gold “bling” necklace stuck in her mouth I knew, I too, was special as a woman. When I saw Lady Gaga wearing raw meat and getting spanked by all those dancing guys I knew that, I too, was smart enough to take on any challenge.

We’ve come so far from the sad, sad days of Suffrage that instead of wearing gross black dresses, women can do anything that requires nudity or lots of cleavage. And that’s serious.

The mystery of suffrage is pretty simple: Those women suffered and worked hard so that I can find the perfect angle for my bikini selfie. Because it’s not just about my body. It’s about my mind.

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, there’s a guy on the phone from NYU film school who wants to talk to you about what you thought about the film Suffragette over dinner tonight.
Me: Not now, Daddy. After I finish tweeting my sexy selfies I have to finish my juice fast. I’ve done enough today by solving the the mystery of suffrage suffering.

Podcast: The Running of the Candidates

It’s 78 degrees in Coma today but by tonight it will be 42 and as frisky as a first time politician. This is Coma New Daily.

The Complete internet podcast news source portal for the Town of Coma.

Marybell Davis is broadcasting once again from Bear’s Biker Bar, where she’s drinking a beer after a month-long diet of only liquid kale. We all know that kale tastes great when it’s a liquid and ALSO when it is the sponsor of Coma News Daily.

As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!

Hosted this week by Coma’s own creative and director who gave us ‘Our Town’ and ‘Cats’ Shane Darvish and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis. With updates from the Future Reporter, T.S. John and political questions by the town’s own wizened and alzheimered Stan Bargmeyer.

As part of our continuing effort to be the local news team that is more on your side than any other local news team (if we had one) Coma News Daily spent some time with some very special kids: members of the Social Media Early Learning and Literacy Experience program or SMELLE. This breakthrough kids literacy program teaches youngsters how to read by following cultural developments by reading their favorite tweets.  

This week children in the SMELLE program read and discuss a seminal tweet by Damien Fahey (hard to pronounce) @DamienFahey

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Can–Can Inventor Dies

By Coma News Daily Staff

Skip “Robbie” Roberts would have been happy to know he went out with a “click.”

The Coma native and self-described diddler passed away Saturday surrounded by his various inventions and 59 years worth of accumulated brick-a-brack.

In addition to his chronic hoarding, Roberts was known in Coma for inventing a universal remote kit. The clicker and motor combination has been installed in most Coma homes to remotely open kitchen cabinets, doggie doors, closets, and cookie jars.

But by far the most popular version of the remote control was the kit to remotely control toilet seats, called the Can-Can.

“The life-years this guy has saved me messing with the pot every time I hit the throne room are beyond count,” a tearful Mayor Dave Anderson said during his eulogy for Roberts.

disposable_toilet_seat_with_remote_control_and_heating_function

But every invention has its dark uses and immature husbands around town commonly used the powerful Can-Can to close toilets on their unsuspecting wives.

“Oh my gosh, I totally forgot to mention the girl-swirl,” Anderson said in a post-funeral interview. He then launched into an extended crying jag.

One of Roberts’ customers appeared to get the last laugh when the remote controlled lid to his coffin began to sporadically open and close during the otherwise somber funeral at Coma First Baptist Church. Eventually Anderson laid across the coffin lid forcing it slowly shut. Anderson remained prone across the lid until the tiny motor simply wore out.

‘Sergeant Sausage’ to Win Conflict Resolution Derby

By Thomas Steven John, Coma News future beat reporter

Robert “Sargent Sausage” McGuiness will triumph Saturday during Coma’s food-focused annual “Conflict Derby.” The event, which uses a team-based car demolition derby held at the Coma Fairgrounds to resolve sticky social issues moving Coma residents into conflict, has become a crowd favorite.

McGuiness' souped up Merecedes M Class made it through the 2013 Conflict Resolution Derby - resolving the issue of "cow polution" - relatively unscathed.

McGuiness’ souped up Merecedes M Class made it through the 2013 Conflict Resolution Derby – resolving the issue of “cow polution” – relatively unscathed.

“There’s nothing like 3,000lbs of steel to drive your political point home and resolve a conflict,” Mayor Dave Anderson said about the event that also funds Coma High School’s drivers’ education program. “Of course, we’re under court orders to say ‘This is not an endorsement of aggressive driving. Blah, blah, blah.'”
The outcome, which came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream, surprised McGuiness the most.
“I’m a horrible driver and I only agreed to participate again because I was told hot chicks were involved,” McGuiness said. “But that seems largely untrue for the other teams except for Sadie Cracker.”

“Not sure how I got involved in this,” said Sadie Cracker, in an over the phone interview with children screaming in the background.
McGuiness’ team, the Meatlover Mashers, narrowly defeated the Vegg-a-girls to settle an increasingly acrimonious political debate that has gripped the town in recent months.
One of the leaders of the Vegg-a-girls, Town Councilwoman Natalie Peters, narrowly missed eliminating McGuiness with a nasty T-bone impact while screaming “It’s time to evolve!”
“I just hope I do well enough to honor the memory of my deceased parakeet,” Peters said. “Between the two of us, he was the real fan of demolition derby.”

McGuiness was able to win largely because of his strategy of alternately pretending his vehicle was already disabled and hiding new the edge of the arena.
“Sounds about right,” McGuiness said.

Peyton Manning Subject of Latest Masterpiece from Local Artist

By Coma News Daily Staff

In advance of her upcoming exhibition at the Coma Art Gallery & One Hour Photo Center, local artist and screenwriter Dee Collins unveiled what she considers the centerpiece of her latest collection this week.

Titled “Peyton Manning as 16th Century Explorer in Repose and Wearing a Hat on his Head”, Collins said the piece represents the culmination of nearly 20 years of work on the local Coma artist scene while paying tribute to one of the greatest bi-partisan athletes of the past 10 years.

“I think it’s one of the greatest works I’ve ever created,” Collins said.  “You can’t really tell that it’s not a photograph.”

Conway said he got tired of wondering what Peyton Manning would look like as a 16th century explorer and decided to paint a picture to show everyone how the NFL star would look if he had explored the world 500 years ago

Collins said she got tired of wondering what Peyton Manning would look like as a 16th century explorer and decided to paint a picture to show everyone how the NFL star would look if he had explored the world 500 years ago

Collins, a lifelong resident of Coma, said she has always been a fan of Manning but only recently discovered he was an accomplished athlete.

“I knew him for his work with the Papa John’s and the Buick Murano, which I really admire,” Collins said.  “I was watching a news show a few months ago and saw him wearing football clothing and one of those round hard hats and I was a little shocked.”

Collins said the piece will go on sale when his exhibit, “A Collection of Famous People Named Peyton”, opens in February.

Collins is listing the Manning piece at $27,499.

In addition to the popular NFL quarterback, who failed to win the superbowl last year, the collection will feature TV actress Peyton Roi List (Emma Ross from the Disney Channel’s Jessie), screenwriter Peyton Reed (The Honeymooners Anniversary Special), American actor Peyton Meyer (Dog With A Blog), former Chief of Staff of the United States Army Peyton C. March and American politician Peyton Short.

While Collins suggested Manning might be the most popular of the Peytons on display in her new collection, she was quick to point out some of the other Peytons’ contributions to society.

“In many ways, Dog with a Blog is a modern-day version of All in the Family in that it confronts important issues that other shows are unwilling to address,” Collins said.

A Collection of Famous People Named Peyton” is Conway’s fourth exhibit at the Coma Art Gallery and One-Hour Photo Center.  Last spring she featured a collection titled simply “A Rooster Lays an Egg”, which featured a series of paintings of roosters laying eggs and challenged the viewer to consider what life would be like if roosters had the ability to lay eggs.

A Collection of Famous People Named Peyton” opens on February 2.

Buy My Screenplay ‘Moneyball II: Battle For The Universe’

money ball space front page

 

This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

ADVERTORIAL

My Amazing Screenplay

I’m Dee Collins and all I do is sit around and pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then try to sell them through traditional classified advertising methods.  Read my ad below and contact me to buy my screenplay!

I recently completed a screenplay titled ‘Moneyball II: Battle For The Universe’ and it’s a sequel to the sci-fi hit, ‘Moneyball’.  Brad Pitt and that other guy return in this action-packed, sure-fire box office hit.

Below is a short synopsis.  If you like it and would like to buy it, please let me know.

If you act now, I’ll also throw in a set of extremely rare, hand-made baseball cards featuring some of the games best players like that player from Baltimore and that guy who plays for the Toronto Blue Jays.

SYNOPSIS

In the not-so-distant future, former Oakland Athletics General Manager, and part-time astronaut, Brad Pitt and his trusty sidekick, INSERT NAME, are sent into space to find a cure for cancer and discover rich minerals on far-off planets.  But little do they know there is a war going on that threatens to destroy the entire universe.  Our heroes must act fast to stop a ruthless and power-hungry alien race before it’s too late.  

The perfect film for people that are interested in disease research, mining, space, baseball, aliens and fun!

Here’s a sample scene:

EXT. DISTANT PLANET- DAY

Brad Pitt and his Co-Star are standing in the middle of a rocky, craggily desert on some planet in the middle of space. Brad is bent over picking up rocks.  His Co-Star is doing the same thing.  They’re just picking up rocks, looking at them and then tossing them aside.  On the horizon, we can see three suns setting.  It looks really cool.

                              BRAD PITT

Did you find a cure for cancer under any of those rocks?

                              CO-STAR

Nope.  But I haven’t checked all of them yet.

                              BRAD PITT

Well keep looking.

                              CO-STAR

Okay.

The two men keep picking up rocks and looking at them.  In the distance, we see a creepy, scary-looking alien holding a slick little semi-automatic handgun approaching.  Our heroes don’t notice.  They are too busy looking at the rocks.

                              BRAD PITT

What about rare minerals?  Did you find any rare minerals yet?

                              CO-STAR

Not yet.  I’m still looking for a cure for cancer.  Should I be looking for both at the same time?

                              BRAD PITT

I think so.

                              CO-STAR

Okay, but that’s going to take twice as long now.

                              BRAD PITT

Okay.

The alien gets closer and closer until…

That’s all you get for now!  Want to read the whole thing?  Hit me up on electronic mail.

Dee Collins

townofcoma@hotmail.com

money ball in space