Tag: baby

Report: Mayor Stares at Baby for Excessively Long Time

by Coma News Staff

According to eyewitness accounts, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson made onlookers “uncomfortable” this week after staring at a baby in a local grocery store for more than eight minutes without breaking eye contact.  Several sources stated that what started as a fun, light-hearted interaction between the mayor and the infant quickly devolved into a strange, often intense stare-down by the mayor.

“I saw him (Mayor Anderson) stop and look at the baby and he said something and laughed,” Chase Donovan said. “Then he just stood there staring at the baby.  He didn’t say anything.  He just stared.  A big, awkward grin on his face.”

ABOVE: A baby that may or may not resemble the baby from the staring incident

ABOVE: A baby that may or may not resemble the baby from the staring incident

The baby was sitting in baby seat inside a shopping cart.  The mother, Andrea Smith-Smith wife of Bob Smith-Smith and cashier at Bob’s Mart, declined to comment initially smiled at the mayor.  As seconds turned into minutes, the mother appeared to grow more and more concerned according to witnesses.

“She looked over her shoulder a couple times as she walked away,” Chase Donovan said. “After a few feet, she started to trot and really picked up the pace before disappering down the cereal aisle.”

Anderson was confronted by the media about the incident this week and stated while he did nothing wrong or intentionally inappropriate, he admitted to having some challenges in certain social settings.

“In a nutshell, is eight minutes too long to stare at a stranger’s baby in a supermarket?” Anderson asked reporters. “Where is the line between polite and creepy? It’s eight minutes, right?”

Anderson later elaborated that he only intended to stop briefly to compliment the baby but once he settled into his fixed gaze he “lost track of time” and found the infant bore a striking resemblance to a “newborn Robert Downey Jr.”  The mayor added he has learned his lesson from the incident and in the future will keep interactions with newborns to under 30 seconds.

Local Woman’s Miraculous 15-Month Pregnancy Defies Science

By Coma News Staff

In what is being described as a first-of-its-kind for medical science, Coma resident Cindy Horncraft announced this week she is entering the 15th month of her pregnancy and expects to deliver any day now in her tiny house.

“This has been a very long process and I would appreciate privacy, particularly from the medical community as I approach my delivery date,” Cindy Horncraft said. “While I understand people are curious, I think this is a case where the fewer questions, the better.”

According to her husband, Micah Horncraft, his wife discovered she was pregnant nearly eight months ago. Horncraft said at first it didn’t add up as he and his wife had not had intercourse for nearly six months at that point.

“At first I was like, ‘how can this even be possible?’”, the 33-year old head of the Coma Futurist Society and tiny house owner said. “But then my wife explained that it’s probably what is called a ‘fertility-alignment delay’, or F-A-D.”

Micah and wife couch 2014

Above- Micah and Cindy Horncraft. According to the couple, Cindy Horncraft has been pregnant for nearly 15 months and suffers from a rare disorder called Fertility Alignment Delay.

Horncraft said he was unable to find any information on fertility-alignment delay but his wife was able to provide ample information that helped put him at ease.

“She said it’s not really understood yet by science but is not uncommon for women who are only children and who sleep on their stomach,” Horncraft said. “She fits on both accounts, so, yeah, it makes sense that she would be more susceptible than other women.”

Horncraft said he was further put at ease after his close friend and neighbor, Jax Owen, confirmed some facts about FAD. Owen, a close family friend, told Horncraft “all kinds of weird stuff happens when a woman gets knocked up.”

“I think what I got with Jax was a lot of straight-talk regarding FAD,” Horncraft said. “That helped because I didn’t know anything about it but he knew a lot. Like, did you know that you can’t get FAD from a hand job? I didn’t either. But Jax knew that.”

According to Horncraft, the couple had not had sexual relations for nearly six months when his wife Cindy discovered she was pregnant.  Horncraft said the lack of sex was a result of his wife suffering from a rare condition she told him about called Prolonged Period Syndrome, or PPS, which extends a woman’s period for up to a year.

Not everyone, however, is convinced of the diagnosis.

Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, said that while medicine is constantly discovering new ailments and disorders, he has never heard of FAD and questions whether it really exists.

“There are some very basic principles in science and human physiology and it is not possible for something like this to happen to any woman, regardless of her birth order or sleeping habits. Here’s the deal; this woman was inseminated nearly nine months ago. Period.” said Dr. Jimmy.

Horncraft said that while he’s heard from many doubters regarding his wife’s 15-month pregnancy, he has no reason to doubt the claim and is excited about the birth. “We have more room for a baby in the tiny house since my wife and son have moved into a barn they built.”