Archive for: December 2015

How to Marry a Billionaire: An LOL Mystery

The following is an excerpt from a blog by a Coma resident published as a community service by Coma News Daily.

How to Marry a Billionaire: An LOL Mystery
by MaryBell Davis

Daddy Warbucks: Two-hundred-thousand dollars on a psych degree, Marybell. Did you finish your application to the Coma BookNook and Dry-cleaners MaryBell? You’ll be a great writer someday. Or at least a great barista.

MaryBell: Not now, Daddy. I will never be an unpaid writer because I just solved the mystery of how to marry a billionaire.

I hate it when people say, “Pick up a book, MaryBell. You might learn something.

Let’s be honest. Who wants to read Moby Dick, which sounds like a book about a horrible singer and something that should only come out in the dark.

The really important questions aren’t answered in a book but on Google. A search for “how do I marry a billionaire?” shows lots Kardashians (because I guess they’re billionaires), the cast of the real housewives and Bethany Frankle (if you are into skeletons). You’ll also find a couple blogs about how to do it.

What I realized is some women are dumb and their ideas for landing a billionaire are 1) diet 2) get fake boobs 3) be willing to be naked a lot.


This sounds too simple to me because a billionaire is really like that whale in Moby Dick (See, I did read it. Not dumb emoji!). They are hard to find and have the money to run away from you if you mention things like marriage, babies, love or how much you want to use their money to buy some Frye boots. Also, they’ll scoot if you say you plan to be drunk every day on a really sunny island once you have harpooned him (that’s a metaphor, people).

The reason this sounds complicated is because it entails you being someone you aren’t.

So how can you make this happen?

First, pretend you are open to anything. This is easy. In the back of your mind just think about your island.

Second, hang out where potential billionaires are. This place is called college (especially the dork ones that are associated with Ivy– Pro Tip: stay away from English Majors, History Majors, anyone who wants to go into journalism or is in film studies).

Guys on track to become billionaires aren’t wary of you trying to land them. They are just men and very much moved by you being cute and pretending they are amazing.

Finally, are his parents rich? If yes, don’t wait for graduation and the career stuff. Grab him now!


And so, the mystery of getting set for life is solved by this private dick (so gross). Now sit back, read Moby Dick, and try not to think about a horrible singer of a white whale floating somewhere off the California coast. So sad, so old.

Coma Woman Completes 1,000th Screenplay

By Dee Collins, unpaid Coma News Daily Guest Reporter

Coma resident, reporter and artist, Dee Collins, completed work on her one-thousandth feature film screenplay last week, marking a significant milestone for the young writer.

“When I’m not eating or sleeping, I’m writing the best unsold screenplays in the industry,” Collins said.  “I really believe that with every screenplay I complete, my chances of selling one increases dramatically.”

Collins, who recently joined the Coma News staff as a writer, said that while many of her screenplays are sequels to popular Hollywood films, she does occasionally write original works such as children’s books such as, ‘Sean Penn Eats a Rabbit‘.

sean penn eats a rabbit cover

“I try to pump out at least two screenplays each week,” Collins said.  “If it’s part of a trilogy, I’ll do all three, just to keep it all together.”

You can purchase any of her unsold screenplays through her advertorials posted in Coma News Daily for as little as 1 million dollars.

Dee Collins ex-husband Coma’s Dr. Jimmy said, “Dee is incredibly productive at endeavors that generally take a lot of time and don’t pay any money. I am sure she will be a successful writer.”

Town Council Offers Sausage, Dancing

By Coma News Daily Staff

Who likes sausage?

How about free sausage?

How about free breakfast sausage while watching a thrilling dance review?

Those are the perks the Coma Town Council is hoping will entice members of the public out to attend its annual organizational meeting, which starts at 8 a.m. on Jan. 1.

“I just don’t get how residents of this town can pass up this New Year’s Day meeting every year,” Mayor Dave Anderson said about the council session which a member of the public has never attended. “Anyway, I’m betting the sausage–we’re talking links, not that patty crap–will bring ’em in.”


The sausage will be catered by Bob’s Organic and dance provided by Coma Middle School’s “Cheer Power.”

In addition to meat-dance combination, Anderson hopes the first public display of the new sweater and leather pants he recieved for Christmas also will attract attendees.

The offer of sausage elicited some push back.

Robert McGuiness, who won the last grivence-based demolition derby as “Sargent Sausage,” wondered if voters would embrace the meaty reward.

“Sometimes it seems like all we talk about around here is sausage,” McGuiness said.

It was a sentiment echoed by Councilwoman Natalie Peters, a sometimes-vegan, who objected to “phalo-carno-centric” nature of the promotion.

“We should be thinking about this town’s colons–what do they look like and why,” said Peters, who is considering a boycott of the meeting.

The sausage also appears unlikely to garner the attendance of Councilman Jax Owen.

Asked about attending an 8am meeting on New Year’s Day, Owens simply said “doubtful.”

Buy My Screenplay: No Country For Old Men II





no country for old men 2This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.


My Amazing Screenplay

I’m Dee Collins and all I do is pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then sell them through traditional classified advertising methods. Read my ad below and then contact me to buy my screenplay!

THIS IS THE MOVIE THAT YOU WERE BORN TO WATCH! Unlike anything you’ve ever seen before, “No Country for Old Men II: Revenge of the Old Men” is a movie that transcends genre and cannot be defined.


Javier Bardem’s character from “No Country For Old Men” is still on his quest to kill all the country’s old men.  But when he stumbles across a group of crotchety, arthritic geriatrics who won’t go down without a fight, Bardem is pushed to his limits.  Will he manage to kill all the old men who live in the country?  You’ll have to purchase the screenplay to find out.  

“No Country For Old Men 2: Revenge of the Old Men”

Starring Javier Bardem and that guy from “Homeland”


Javier Bardem is lying on the grass in front of a retirement home.  His right arm and both feet have been chopped off.  An Old Man using a walker is shuffling toward him.

                                   JAVIER BARDEM

You cut off my feet!

                                   OLD MAN (nameless from Homeland)

Zip your trapper, long hair!

Javier Bardem tries to sit up.  He looks around and sees his gun a few feet away.  He tries to pull himself closer.

                                    JAVIER BARDEM

You cut off my arm!

                                    OLD MAN (that old guy from Homeland)

There’s plenty more where that came from Mary.

Javier Bardem continues to pull himself with the only arm he has left toward his gun.

                                   JAVIER BARDEM

I’m trying to reach my gun so I can shoot you.

The Old Man quickens his pace, shuffling his feet as he races toward the gun.

                                     OLD MAN (that old guy from Homeland)

Oh, no!  I better get to that gun first so you can’t use it to shoot me.

                                      JAVIER BARDEM

I better try to get to the gun before you do so you don’t hurt me anymore.  It’s like we’re

racing to reach the gun first and whoever wins this race will have a clear advantage over the other person.

                                    OLD MAN (that old guy from Homeland)

I’m trying really hard to get to that gun but I don’t know if I can move

fast enough to beat you.  But you’re right about the person getting there first having a clear advantage.

                                   JAVIER BARDEM

I wonder what’s going to happen?  Who do you think will reach the gun first?

                                    OLD MAN (that old guy from Homeland)

I have no clue.  I hope it’s me though.

                                    JAVIER BARDEM

I’m hoping I get there first.

Both men reach the gun at the exact same time!


That’s all I’m going to share!  If you want to buy this screenplay (only 7 million dollars cash or cashier’s check) and find out what happens, get in touch soon!  This is an amazing screenplay that tells the story we really wanted to see in the first movie (and were led to believe would happen based on the title of the film).

Dee Collins

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.




[FreecycleComa] Offer: 2 quart bottle of soy sauce


Kikkoman, large bottle from Costco.  Near Coma Chinese restaurant. This is not for people who DO NOT LIKE SOY SAUCE.

This is not a pic of the soy sauce I am giving away. This picture is to illustrate how much you need to like soy sauce.

This is not a pic of the soy sauce I am giving away. This picture is to illustrate how much you need to like soy sauce.

Please respond with date and time for pick up. This soy sauce is free but not for someone who DOES NOT LIKE SOY SAUCE.

[FreecycleComa] TAKEN: 5 X 8 needlepoint rug

Since no one wanted this beautiful rug I decided to keep it. So this rug is taken by me! Stop emailing me about it. Yes those are  my cats on the rug. I am keeping this rug.


Dave Anderson, Coma Mayor


Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) .
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

Podcast: A Season for Squeezin’

It’s 43 degrees in Coma and the reindeer hood ornaments are fueling a steady increase in aggressive driving. This is Coma News Daily.

The Complete internet podcast news source portal for the Town of Coma.

Because we are too unattractive and too “small town” to broadcast in a theater, Coma News Daily is broadcasting this Christmas special from Bear’s Biker Bar in the Town of Coma.

As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!

Hosted this week by Coma’s own Dr. Jimmy and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis. With updates from the Mayor Dave Anderson and advice on how to not “Home Alone” your kids during the holidays by the wizened and alzheimered Stan Bargmeyer. Special guest Jax Owen, Town Council Member and creator of the “Season for Squeezin”.

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We don’t have an Instagram. Mail us a letter!

Town of Christmas

Man Accidentally Eats Comb

thomas steven john 2

By Coma News Staff


T.S. John, who set a personal record for getting ready for a night out on the town in November, recently reported that he accidentally ate an entire comb.

In his never ending quest to maximize his preparation processes, John said that while getting ready to go the movies with his girlfriend, Carol Tate, he accidentally mixed up a chicken wing with the comb and before he knew it, he had ingested the entire piece of plastic.

“I messed up,” an embarrassed John admitted. “I was going so fast and somehow got my hands mixed up and started combing my hair with a chicken wing and eating a comb.  When you try to do something no other human being has ever attempted, stuff like that is going to happen.”

John said the digested comb was a Vidal Sassoon 5-inch pocket comb that he recently purchased from a local drug store.

“It was a sweet little 113 millimeter fine-tooth comb and it went down pretty smooth,” the 25-year old said. “I mean, hey, at least it wasn’t a brush or a blow dryer or something. It was a pocket comb. It could happen to anybody.”

John was attempting to get ready in record time for his night out on the town. According to his girlfriend, John has been obsessed with the pursuit for the past several months.

“I guess you could say he is pushing the envelope when it comes to getting prepared to leave your house for a casual night out with friends,” Tate said of her boyfriend of nearly two years. “That’s what he’s always saying anyway. I guess it’s good that he has some ambition though, isn’t it?”

John said he is currently doing things in the personal preparation realm that only decades ago would have been thought to be impossible. As part of what John calls his “Sub-Ready” objective, he said his ultimate goal is to be ready for any social gathering or mixer before he even knows he will be attending such an event.

“It’s kind of like I’m traveling back in time,” John said. “My hope is that one day Carol will say, ‘let’s go to dinner’ and I will be so fast at getting ready that I will just say, ‘alright, let’s go’, because I’m already ready already.”

Although John acknowledged he had yet to pass the comb through his digestive system, he is not discouraged by the latest set-back.


Avoiding Present-Related Injuries

The following is a excerpt from a local blogger published as a community service by Coma News.

The Medical Mosh

Dr. Jimmy, Coma Town Physician, Sometimes Raver
There was once a time when a guy could stand outside a girl’s bedroom window holding a boombox over his head and that was enough.
That was enough of a gift primarily because you were in high school or were just single.

Regardless of whether you are a single guy under the false impression that you are in danger of losing your girlfriend over the wrong gift or a married guy with real problems, here is some physician insight on ways to avoid the pain of a disappointed woman this  Christmas season.
First, ask her what she wants. Then do the opposite, plus four. That may sound complicated to your average non-physician layperson so let me give an example:
If she says she wants “maybe some small jewelry” you’d better buy some expensive baubles, plus four other types of presents.
Second, quantity is not quality. If you know she wants underwear, don’t blow your wad on ten bra and panty sets. This may sound obvious, but many a non-clinician who has finally solved the riddle of intimates sizing has proceeded to throw all of his yule eggs in that basket, which can produce a range serious and persistent adverse reactions.
Third, do not forget the freaking stocking. In my clinical opinion, you can drop a grand on a range of presents but if you leave that stocking empty it will be all she remembers nine months later.
Fourth, prepare for the worst with some resilience-building meditation and UV light exposure. You’re a guy, so the literature shows a fairly consistent 95 percent likelihood that you will be a disappointment this year.

This might look like a great gift, guys, but this will have you thrown out of the house of Christmas.

This may look like a great gift to some guys, but side effects include homelessness and divorce.

Fifth, have a back-up plan. As soon as the torn wrapping paper has finished falling like the first winter snow, start dropping hints about a vague surprise vacation you’re planning for sometime next year. Clinically speaking, discussing an idealized future vacation is nearly a thousand times more stress reducing than any actual family vacation.
My clinical wish is that these simple steps will help you have a safe and happy Christmas season.
In good health.