Archive for: December 2014

Appetite for Christmas

Dec. 30 Opinion no comments
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The following piece represents the opinion of a citizen of the Town of Coma but does not represent the views of Coma News Daily.

“I think Axl Rose is singing Christmas Carols in my neighborhood but I’m not sure it’s him.”

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Opinion by Stan Bargmeyer, widower and Coma News Intern

I think popular national recording artist and former “Guns & Roses” front-man Axl Rose is part of a roving group of Christmas carolers that have been strolling through my neighborhood this week but I’m not one-hundred percent sure it’s him.
Axl Rose does do singing for a job so it’s not weird that he would be singing in his spare time. But I don’t know that he would be hanging out in my neighborhood singing “Joy to the World”.
The guy whose singing carols in my neighborhood has gray hair and a big, bushy beard. I don’t think Axl Rose has gray hair but it’s been a while since I saw a recent photograph so you never know if his hair changed color or if he dyed it gray.
Also, I think the guy singing carols in my neighborhood is married to this woman who lives a few houses down from me. She has two grown children from a previous marriage but recently re-married. I don’t think Axl Rose recently married a fat young lady from Coma, but again, I’ve not seen a lot about him in the newspaper recently so maybe he did.
One night last week after they sang “Come All Ye Faithful” at my door and were walking away, I yelled “AXL!” as loud as I could. The guy with the gray beard turned around and looked at me for a second. That makes me think it could be him because I called his name and he turned around and looked back.

So I guess there’s really no way to know for sure if the guy singing Christmas Carols in my neighborhood this week is Axl Rose or not. It would be kind of neat if it was. Oh well. Merry Christmas anyway.

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Baby Campaign Coming

Dec. 18 News no comments
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By Thomas Steven John, Coma News Staff Writer

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In an advertising tactic especially a mother and Etrade could love, used car salesman Jax Owen will use an army of babies in a new campaign for his dealership.
This reporter pre-visioned the campaign during a psychedelic viewing of “Muppet Babies: The Movie.”
“I don’t know how you found out, I’ve been so quiet about this,” Owen said. “Since it’s out in the open, do you have any idea what babies eat?”
A large number of professionally dressed babies will be on hand at the dealership this weekend to offer their opinions, adorableness and saliva.
The advertising campaign will become a hotbed of controversy due to Coma’s ban on anyone under the age of 13, as well as unanswered questions about the parents of the babies and their origins.
This is not the first time Jax has caused controversy in Coma.

Most notably, in 2002 his dogsled-based rickshaw business took off during squirrel season.

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Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Dec. 16 Living no comments
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Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: patriotic mailbox cover

Flag decoration mailbox cover, fits standard sizes. This was too small for our oversized mailbox, so it was only on the box for a few days. Magnetic and very easy to ‘install’ – just put it on your mailbox.

 

This is an example of your mailbox without the patriot flag and then a second example has the flag added.

This is an example of your mailbox without the patriot flag and then a second example has the flag added.

 

[FreecycleComa] OFFER : WALKER FOR ADULTS

PLEASE TELL DAY AND TIME TO PICK IT UP. THANK YOU. THIS IS FOR ADULTS WHO NEED HELP WALKING. IT WILL HELP YOU WALKING.

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Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
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Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

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Horncraft Wins ROB Coma

Dec. 11 Sports no comments
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By Coma News Staff
What’s Christmas without a little green? And red?
Micah Horncraft, curator of the Coma Futurist Society, finished the first Race for Organic Bikes on Tuesday a little bloody but triumphant.
“I won this one for the kids at my basketball camp, Dream Team, where we’re now accepting applications for the spring session,” Horncraft said.
The 22-mile trek through and around the town featured only certified organic bicycles–those actively listed as lost or stolen by the Coma Sheriff’s Office.
“Using organic bikes is a way to give back by taking someone else’s unused or underused bike,” said Natale Peters, the race’s organizer and a Town Council member.

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Horncraft, who competed nude as an additional way to reduce his carbon footprint, credited the improved aerodynamics for his win.
“I was dolphin smooth out there–which is probably why I was going too fast to make that turn at Buzzard’s Gulch,” Horncraft said about a mid-race tumble that left him with cuts and bruises.
The Sheriff’s Office said it was unaware of the source of the race’s bikes until afterward and plans to investigate, eventually.
“Yeah, we’re gonna get right on that, just as soon as we clear the backlog of missing luxury automobiles, municipal fraud and rampant cock fighting that we have in this town,” said Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib.

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Coma Aquatics Awards Three Hereos

Dec. 09 News no comments
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By Coma News Staff
Three “aquatic angels” were honored Monday as the Coma Regional Aquatic Pool swore in the newest class of lifeguards to stand watch during the upcoming indoor swim season.
“We’re taking the lessons learned from the sacrafices of these guards and applying them to the new winter season,” said Paul T. Frostnib, Coma Sheriff and part-time director of the pool. “I always tell my people, ‘Job number one is to make it home alive.'”
The three lifeguards, including one who is currently fighting an illness at the Coma Regional Medical Center, were recognized for placing others’ sanitation and safety ahead of their own. Sharon Sarandon caught dengue fever after her full body protective bio-suit was compromised during a leap into the pool to check on a kid trying to beat a personal record for the dead man’s float.

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“It’s hard to see below the surface at that end of pool with all of the band aids and other refuse that collect there so we may never know what pierced her suit,” said Chase Donovan, who’s entering his third year as a guard.
Frostnib’s priority this season is cracking down on “Feces of Unknown Origin.”
“The FUO sights definitely proliferated toward the end of last season,” Frostnib said. “Cutting off the hot water in the showers will hopefully keep people from getting too comfortable in there, if you now what I mean.”
Much more concerning to Donovan than any water-born dangers are his infrequent trips to check on problems in the sauna.
“Your faceplate is instantly obscured by projectiles from all of the hacking going on in there so it’s real easy to get disoriented and lost,” Donovan said.
Some residents have raised concerns about the pool at the start of latest swim season.
“I don’t think they realize what cutting back Saturday swim hours in the winter means to families stuck at home with small boys,” said Sadie Cracker, a Coma mother of two. “It’s like being trapped in a cave with feral bulldogs.”
Check the town of Coma website for pool hours and to read a copy of their legal disclaimer.

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What the Hope Happened? An LOL Girl Mystery

Dec. 03 Living no comments
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The following is a excerpt from a local blogger published as a community service by Coma News.

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Marybell Davis, awesome blogger of awesome things and private detective who solved the Mystery: Nothing Depends on a Red Wheelbarrow

Daddy Warbucks: How’s the application for your graduate degree in Psychology coming, Marybell?
Me: Not now, Daddy. I have to figure out what happened to Hope.

Hope Donovan graduated high school and college at the same time I did. Last night, I met her at Bear’s Biker Bar to see if she was the right assistant to help me with my new Private Detective business. But she’s changed.
So Hope was supposed to get married to Tim Cornheiser but that fell apart when he found some other better looking chick and now she doesn’t believe in marriage anymore. Her mom and dad are getting divorced after 32 years together and now she doesn’t believe in family. Her thighs are getting fatter so now she doesn’t believe in dieting. The town council just passed an ordinance that outlaws the use of rollerblades because they have “blades” in the name and that makes them dangerous and now Hope doesn’t believe in government.

The bar was packed and people were yelling. Two drunk guys were arguing over whether or not Metallica defined metal and I didn’t even know there was a metal named Metallica.

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Hope kept going on about how she’s just fed up with this world and how stupid it is. How nothing gets better and there’s no love. And a drunk biker with a beard stumbles over to the bar and picks up a guitar and starts strumming “Silent Night” for some reason. Probably because they just hung up the Christmas lights outside. And everything gets quiet and some people start humming along and  Bear, the bar owner, is German and he sings loud and in his language – “Silent Nacht” or something which makes the whole thing sound better.
And Hope stands and screams, “you all are a bunch of idiots! It doesn’t matter how loud you sing because it means nothing. Just nothing. Those two fat guys will go back to fighting because they can, our town government will ban singing because someone’s vocal chords got hurt, and no one will find love because its easy to fall in but not stay.”
She threw her glass on the dusty floor and ran out of the bar.

And I just started laughing because Hope is really dramatic. The song just sounded nice when everyone sang together and sometimes we just have a moment to sing because that’s all we can do. Just sing. Poorly.
I can’t explain what happened to Hope. But when I found her outside by my car I got her to listen to me sing a couple carols–while she cried on my shoulder and threw up in the parking lot.
For my next mystery as a private dick (gross) I plan to solve what a bough is and what it did to get decked.

But until then it’s a Silent Night because Hope passed out in the back seat of my car and inside that dirty bar they are still singing.

It’s loud and drunk and full of beer but they are still singing carols, together.

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Podcast: Winners and Spinners

Dec. 02 News, Podcast no comments
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It’s a beautiful autumn afternoon here in the town of Coma. It’s 57 degrees, and not a cloud in the sky as the soft, persistant crackle of the Sheriff’s gunnery range rolls over the hills. This is Coma News.

> Subscribe on iTunes

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | RSS

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Coma Mayor Fails Doomsday Prepper Assessment

Dec. 02 News no comments
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by Coma News Staff

Filming for the popular National Geographic Channel’s “Doomsday Preppers” wrapped up this week in Coma after the producers completed a segment on the town’s mayor, Dave Anderson. Anderson said that while it was a fun experience, he strongly disagrees with the shows expert assessment of his apocalypse readiness .

According to the show’s producers, Anderson recorded the lowest score ever issued by the show’s expert panel of preppers and survival experts.

“Based on our assessment, Dave Anderson should have died about three weeks ago,” a show staffer who wished to remain anonymous said. “I didn’t even know you could get a score like that.”

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Above- Anderson’s assessment was the lowest scored ever issued by the show’s panel of expert survivalists and preppers.

The show, which features survival-minded citizens preparing for a myriad of natural disasters, government take-overs and other end-of-the-world scenarios, issues scores for each subject’s preparation efforts. The scoring is on a scale of 1 to 100. According to producers, Anderson scored a zero, a score they confessed they did not realize was possible.

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Anderson admits that while he might not have the stores and supplies as many of the preppers featured on the show, the camera crews happened to catch him on a bad day.

According to producers, Anderson’s preps included the following:

–          Two packs of chewing gum

–          Hammer (broken handle)

–          Several packages of unopened Post-It® Notes

–          Half-eaten ham and provolone sandwich (on sourdough, no mustard)

–          “Assorted milk products”

–          Sammy Hagar “I Can’t Drive 55” T-shirt

–          Chair

One expert prepper who reviewed Anderson’s efforts reportedly told producers “a newborn infant baby just coming into the world would have a better survival score than this douchebag.”

 

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Anderson said he was surprised producers weren’t more impressed in his baseball card collection or old Mad Magazines.

According to Anderson, much of his survival planning involves bartering and he believes his collection of items will provide valuable assets to trade with other survivalists should the world end.

“Even in a world ravaged with famine and death and disease and no electricity or clean water, I can’t imagine people not wanting or needing something like Post-It® Notes,” Anderson said. “They come in really handy when making grocery lists or just little reminders.”

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