Tag: dr. jimmy

Study Sheds Light on People Named Dog Bone

dog bone study

By Coma News Staff

A study released by the Coma Institute for Research & Understanding Things (CIRUT) suggests that people with the name Dog Bone are seven percent more likely to own a gas-powered chainsaw and 162 percent more likely to sever a limb with a chainsaw than people who are not named Dog Bone.

“This study will undoubtedly give parents pause before they name a child Dog Bone,” said Dr. Jimmy, Coma town physician.

Dr. Jimmy conducted the study as part of a national grant he received to “study” important things related to Coma with researchers at CIRUT.

The study found that people named Dog Bone have a greater chance of having a tattoo on their neck or face and are more likely not to  “give a damn” about “stupid bullshit” like math, individual retirement accounts or proper dental hygiene.

The study was conducted over the course of 36-weeks and had one participant.  Researchers said they would have preferred to include more participants in the study but could only find one person in Coma named Dog Bone.

“It would have been nice to have more subjects,” Dr. Jimmy said.

The full report will be released later this month.

Dog Bone Higgens refused to comment saying he “doesn’t give a damn about stupid bullshit.” like a news article.


When Should You Seek Treatment After Being Impaled?

By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy

Recently, a local man was impaled by a shovel and refused to seek immediate medical attention. After speaking at length with him and with many others in the days following the ordeal, I’ve come to realize that most people don’t realize how serious impalement injuries can be.

From my own unscientific poll of neighbors and friends, I found that most would not consider being impaled a “serious injury.” As a medical professional, this was a startling revelation.

Sure, some impaling injuries are less serious than others. And sure, sometimes you get impaled and can probably just brush it off, pull it out and move on with your day. But, many times that is not the case and you should seek immediate medical attention.

As a service to the community, I’ve put together an impaling “cheat sheet” to help identify the degrees of impalement injuries and determine when you should go to a doctor.

Impalement guide

ABOVE: Dr. Jimmy’s guide to impaling injuries is designed to take the guess work out of determining when to seek medical attention

Of course, this chart is not comprehensive. It would be impossible to include every item you could potentially be impaled with. It does represent what I believe are likely the most common objects one could be impaled with, along with representative object (wicker chair, for example, could apply to any type of furniture).

So how do you use this guide? It’s pretty simple. First, let’s say you’ve been impaled by something. You’ll want to identify the object and then refer to the guide above. If you can’t find the exact object, try to find the object that is most similar to the one that is buried deep in your flesh. Next, using the color scale, determine whether “it’s cool” or whether you should “seek immediate attention.”

Should you find yourself somewhere in the middle, my advice is to do a quick Google search and go from there.

I am hopeful that this tool can help you and our community be better prepared for impalement injuries. Be safe and be diligent! When in doubt refer to this simple-to-use chart. Godspeed.



Local Man Not Sure Being Impaled by Shovel Qualifies for Doctor Visit

by Coma News Staff

A local man who was impaled by a shovel told neighbors and friends he was holding off on seeking medical attention because he wasn’t certain the injury was “bad enough” to see a doctor.

The accident occurred on Saturday afternoon as Stan Bargmeyer was “rummaging” through his garage. Bargmeyer said he’s not sure how the accident happened. The widower was looking through an old box of model railroad train cars and next thing he knew, a shovel handle was protruding through his chest.

“It’s just one of those freak accidents that happen,” Bargmeyer said. “I just kind of shook my head, thought ‘not again’ and then passed out for an unknown length of time.”

stan impaled 2

ABOVE: Coma resident Stan Bargmeyer was impaled by a shovel last Saturday but is not sure the injury is significant enough to seek medical attention

Bargmeyer was found by neighbors late Saturday afternoon. Upon regaining consciousness, Bargmeyer refused to call 911 and told friends the injury “wasn’t too bad as far as impalings go.”

“I just never know when you’re supposed to go see a doctor,” Bargmeyer said. “I’m definitely in discomfort but…I can still prepare food and use the toilet. So, what constitutes a trip to a doctor?”

According to town physician, Dr. Jimmy, anyone suffering from an impaling should seek immediate medical attention, particularly when the object is as large as a shovel.

“People underestimate impalings,” Dr. Jimmy said. “But they can be very serious injuries. I would rank them right behind being submerged in a corrosive substance and right ahead of being attacked by medium-sized mammals. So, pretty serious stuff.”

Bargmeyer said he was impaled previously nearly 20 years ago by a pike while visiting a early middle-age military museum.

“That one was weird because they were talking about how pikes were used to impale enemy soldiers and not ten minutes later, I found myself on the business-end of one,” Bargmeyer said. “But they took me directly to the hospital, which was nice, because it eliminated the guess work on my part.”

Bargmeyer noted that the bleeding had mostly stopped and while it has limited his ability to shower or lay down in bed, he has been able to manage in most aspects of his daily routine.

“I’m getting by,” Bargmeyer said. “It would just be nice to know, without a doubt, if I should seek medical attention on this one.”



Still Counting: Local Scientists Think Numbers May Go On For “Really Long Time”

By Coma News Staff

Scientists in Coma announced this week that while their research is not yet complete, early results suggest numbers go on for even longer than they initially believed.

“We’re all a little shocked by what the data is suggesting,” Dr. Jimmy, who heads up the research team, said. “In theory, it would appear that number can just keep going for a really, really, really long time. But it’s still early.”

The research project began last month and is being funded, in part, by the Coma Futurist Society in an effort to better understand numbers and their limitations.


Researchers have been working in shifts and logging numbers into a spreadsheet in sequential order starting at the number one.

“It’s been a very trying research project,” Micah Horncraft said.  Horncraft, who heads the Futurist Society, has been volunteering on the project for the past two weeks. “It’s a lot of typing. My fingers got sore. But there’s just so many numbers.  You got one, two, three, four, five…and a bunch more.”

02 19 2016 number publish 2

Micah Horncraft holds one of the many numbers scientists have been counting since January. “There’s lots of them,” Horncraft told reporters this week.

According to Dr. Jimmy, based on preliminary results, it is theoretically possible that number just continue without ever stopping.  Dr. Jimmy said such a discovery could revolutionize math and probably some other things as well.

“So far, we’ve counted up to nearly eight thousand,” Dr. Jimmy said. “It seems like we can just keep going and going.  But we’ll see.  Maybe there will be a surprise along the way and everything will just stop suddenly.”

Dr. Jimmy said the project was initially scheduled to wrap up in early March but may extend into April, depending on when they discover “the end of numbers.” Horncraft told reporters a special event will take place at the Futurist Society to announce the results of the research project.

Physician To Open Coma’s First Medieval Medical Practice

by Coma News Daily Staff

Citing an “epic quest” to return to medicine’s roots, Coma physician Dr. Jimmy announced this week his plans to open the town’s first medieval medical practice this spring.

“Sometimes the old ways are the best ways,” Dr. Jimmy said. “People are hungry for alternative forms of traditional medicine. My new practice will provide a real alternative while still being soundly based in western medicine practices that go back hundreds of years.”

Medieval ad

The new practice, which Dr. Jimmy said will be called “Thine Leeching Post & Acupuncture,” will feature not only popular medieval medical services, like bloodletting and trepanning, but a full-breadth of long-forgotten procedures and practices to keep patients healthy.

“We’re way beyond simple leeching and drilling holes in people’s heads,” Dr. Jimmy said.  “We will be the first place people think of when they hear popular terms like boar-bile enemas, hot-iron hemorrhoid treatment and medical astrology.”

Dr. Jimmy said the new practice has been in the works for nearly a decade and is the culmination of a life-long dream. The transition from present day western medicine to the sometimes archaic practices of medieval ages was a challenge for the 40-year old physician.

“First, I had to unlearn the vast knowledge I’ve accumulated over the past 12 years,” Dr. Jimmy said. “You’re not going to find a lot of information on corpse medicine, animal dung ointments and wandering wombs at Johns Hopkins, if you know what I mean. It was a difficult process.”


The new medical facility will feature a dungeon-like waiting room with “only the most current and popular golf, fashion and travel magazines,” along with a reception and nurse team bedecked in traditional medieval garments, robes and cloaks.

The biggest challenge Dr. Jimmy faced was from regulators and medical boards, who objected to what many call “unsafe and deadly” practices. Dr. Jimmy, however, said the traditional medical community is worried about nothing.

“Are we going to use urine as an antiseptic?” Dr. Jimmy asked rhetorically. “Yes. Are we going to give patients a brew of hemlock, opium and vinegar as an anesthetics? Yes. Guess what, that’s exactly what they did in the olden days and guess what, again? People are still around. Must not have been that bad.”

The new medical office is scheduled to open April 11 and new patients are encouraged to make appointments as soon as possible.

New Study Confirms Prehistoric Man Lacked Microwave Oven Technology

by Coma News Daily Staff

In what some experts are calling a “completely insignificant” study, researchers in Coma confirmed yesterday that prehistoric humans did not, at any point, have access to microwave oven technology.  The findings were the result of a nearly three-year study conducted by scientists at the Coma Center for Science and Microwave Ovens.

ABOVE: Despite unpopular belief, prehistoric humans did not have access to microwave ovens

ABOVE: Despite unpopular belief, prehistoric humans did not have access to microwave ovens

“What we’ve done here, finally, is to place scientific research behind long-held assumptions,” Dr. Jimmy, physician and lead researcher said of the study.  “Now when people talk about cave men not being able to heat their food via a microwave oven, they will be speaking from a position of knowledge, research and fact and not ignorant conjecture.”

The Coma Center for Science and Microwave Ovens was established in 2009 as part of a joint research effort between local scientists and the Maytag corporation, who funded the project.  Executives at Maytag would not comment specifically on yesterday’s announcement but did suggest the initial grant money to fund the research was not intended to be used in such a manner.

The results of the six-year study were shared with media and local members of the scientific community during a nearly four-hour presentation this week.  Dr. Jimmy, who lead the presentation, said he was both surprised and not at all surprised by the study’s findings.

“Going in, I thought, this is a waste of time,” Dr. Jimmy told reporters.  “But once we started digging and investigating, I realized, this was an even bigger waste of time than I originally anticipated.”

Among the evidence that supports the study’s findings:

– Prehistoric humans lacked the ability to harness electricity

– Microwave manufacturers did not come into existence until the 20th century

– Instruction manuals and navigating the sometimes complicated settings panel would likely have confounded prehistoric humans, who could not read

Dr. Jimmy said that while this study lacked any real mystery, he is already turning his focus to the next microwave-inspired research project which will answer the age-old question; are microwave ovens real?

‘Jean Racers’ Host First Meet

by Coma News Staff

In what organizers called a first-of-its-kind event, the inaugural Jean Racers track meet took place near Coma High School yesterday afternoon.  Featuring athletes who compete in foot races wearing a variety of popular jeans, the event was organized by Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy and included nearly six participants.

“This is the future of organized sports,” Dr. Jimmy said about the event. “Jean racing combines humanity’s passion for foot racing with the undying desire to have denim close to one’s skin at all times.”

The new organization is officially called the JRL or Jean Racing League.  Competitors can choose to compete in a wide range of races.  Races are between 40 meters and 100 meters.  Racers may participate in as many races as they like but must wear the specified jean style of each race.  For example, yesterday’s first event was the 50-meter baggy jean sprint.  It was followed by the 75-meter skinny-jean race, which ended prematurely after all four participants collapsed half-way through the contest. Instead of medals, JRL race winners are awarded stylish leather belts.

The event featured six male participants ranging in age from 13 to 54 years old.  It was held on Jefferson Street, near Coma High School.  Several events had to be re-run due to car interference.  Dr. Jimmy said that while the event wasn’t perfect, he was encouraged by what he called a “promising start.”

jean racing 2

Dr. Jimmy prepares for race at yesterday’s inaugural Jean Racing League event.

“While I don’t think it’s ‘Olympics-ready’ right now, I don’t have to stretch my imagination very far to see it going in that direction in the near future,” Dr. Jimmy said. “Unlike traditional track and field sprinting, you don’t need a giant stadium or fancy running clothes.  Just show up in some amazing Wranglers or Levis and you’re racing.”

The league’s next event is planned for next Tuesday afternoon at 3 p.m. and will take place on Sixth Street, site of the former Grape Hut.  The event is open to all ages and participants can register on the day of the event.  Planned races for next week include:

– 50 meter Boot Cut

– 40 meter Boot Cut (no belt)

– 75 meter Wranglers

– 50 meter Baggy Jeans

– 63 meter Levi Classic (by invitation only)

– 20 meter Skinny Jean (NEW!)

– 100 meter Bell Bottom

– 100 meter Relaxed-Fit Relay


A participant warms up for a race.

A participant warms up for a race.

New Dating Website Offers Romance for Fans of 15th Century Weaponry

By Coma News Staff

After a series of less-than-satisfying dating experiences and trouble finding women who shared his interests, Coma physician and entrepreneur Dr. Jimmy, recently launched a first-of-its-kind dating website for people passionate about 15th century weaponry.

Called ThineChaliceofLove.com, the website resembles and functions much like a standard dating service website with one significant difference; users at Thine Chalice of Love all share a deep passion for weapons, armor and field tactics from the 15th century.

ThineChalice ad

According to Dr. Jimmy, the websites ensures that he and other users are only looking at profiles of people with an affinity for arbalests, crossbows and Franciscas while eliminating the mystery of whether a potential mate has a favorite style of petard or mangonel.

“I got tired of other dating websites that didn’t allow you to quickly identify other lovers of 15th century weaponry,” Dr. Jimmy said. “With Thine Chalice of Love, you know that everybody who is registered and posting knows the difference between a pollax and a bardiche. This saves time for everyone.”

Since the site launched in October, nearly three people have already registered. And while none of the current members are female, Dr. Jimmy is confident that will change once word of the site gets out.

“There are a lot of hot, single women who love 15th century weaponry and want to be in a committed relationship,” Dr. Jimmy said. “Secretly, I believe most women like a man who knows a thing or two about medieval blades and battle axes. It’s sexy. Sexy sells.”

Dr. Jimmy said some of the initial issues the website faced was the fact that all three male members used the word Longswordsman in their member name, which caused some confusion among users. Since that time, two of the members have changed their username and each user now has a clear and unique handle.

The website is hosting a live meet-up at the end of the month at a location to be determined but Dr. Jimmy hopes the event, which features collections of real swords, fauchards and glaives will appeal to “hot and horny women from all over Coma.”

“People told me this was a dumb idea because Coma isn’t big enough to support a dating website catering specifically to lovers of medieval weapons and armory,” Dr. Jimmy said. “Those people are going to feel pretty dumb when I start bedding fine, hot women all over town.”