Several eyewitnesses observed a large, simian-like creature “poking around” the cereal aisle of Sweet Ray’s Grocery store on Monday afternoon.
According to police reports, the hairy, bipedal humanoid rummaged through a variety of cereal boxes before checking out a Nutella end-cap display and then exiting the store empty handed.
“I couldn’t believe it,” Dee Collins, one of several eyewitnesses, said. “You don’t expect to see that kind of thing at a grocery store.”
The unidentified creature spent nearly ten minutes carefully examining the nutrition facts on at least a dozen boxes of breakfast cereal. After appearing to settle on a box of Cranberry Almond Crunch, the creature picked up a box of Lucky Charms.
“I am the same way,” Collins told reporters. “I try to make the healthy choice but damn, those sugary cereals are so good!”
According to local cryptozoologist Micah Horncraft, it should not be a surprise that a bigfoot creature would seek a healthy, nutritious breakfast option from a local grocer.
“When you consider the fact that bigfoot’s diet consists primarily of berries, nuts and grains, it makes sense he would seek out breakfast cereal,” Horncraft said. “I mean, it’s not like he’s going to make waffles or anything. Am I right?”
Collins said the creature seemed to “give up” after studying a box of Rice Krispies Treats Cereal. Afterwards, the large beast “sheepishly shuffled” down the aisle until a Nutella display appeared to catch his eye.
“He picked up a jar and smelled it and shook it next to his ear as if he might hear something,” Collins said. “I thought he was going to try to shoplift it but he kind of patted his thighs and hips and must have realized he didn’t have any pockets.”
Store manager Brian Frazier told reporters the store has a strict no-loitering policy and that their staff would be more diligent in the future in managing that policy.
“He must have sort of slipped through,” Frazier said. “It happens. One time we had a horse in the produce section for almost an hour before anyone noticed. Shit happens more often than you think.”
The mysterious creature reportedly left the store and has not been seen since Monday afternoon. This incident is one of an increasing number of bigfoot sightings in the community since 2013.
By Coma News Staff
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson called a special meeting of the Town Council this week after the second Corporate Bigfoot sighting in a month left businessmen in the community baffled and concerned.
According to at least two eyewitnesses, the most recent sighting occurred at Dahl’s Menswear late last week, where the suspected cryptozoological creature was seen trying on jackets, pants and a selection of ties. Eventually, the creature grew frustrated when the store manager, Isaac Best, was unable to find appropriate-sized shoes.
“We are looking into this matter and consider it a top priority,” Anderson said. “At this point, we don’t know if we are dealing with one bigfoot or two bigfoot. Wait, would it be Bigfeet if there were more than one? That sounds right but I’m going to have to have somebody look into that.”
Local cryptozoology expert, futurist and mortuary owner, Micah Horncraft, said that while it is unusual for the creature to enter men’s clothing stores and try on a variety of outfits, it is not unheard of. Usually, Horncraft said, the animals simply are looking for great deals on menswear.
“Corporate Bigfoot are not much different than your typical business professional,” Horncraft said. “Besides lacking any human language skills or education and suffering frequent fecal saturation, they still want to look sharp for the next meeting or important luncheon.”
Mayor Anderson said he hopes the Town Council will agree to create a special committee to look into the details of the shopping spree.
By Coma News Staff
A pick-up basketball game at the Coma City Park was interrupted last week after participants claimed a Sasquatch sat down near the court and indicated he “got next”. The incident marks the third reported sighting of bigfoot in Coma this year and left witnesses shaken.
“I almost crapped myself,” Coma teen Chase Donovan said. “Can I say ‘crapped myself’ on an internet news site?”
According to eyewitnesses, the giant, hair-covered figure emerged from a nearby restroom midway through a friendly, yet competitive, three-on-three basketball game. After watching from afar for several minutes, Bigfoot approached a bench near the court, relaced his shoes and then sat down.
“He started tapping his chest and pointing to himself,” Donovan said. “Then he pretended to shoot a basketball and dribble and kept pointing to himself. We finally realized he was calling next game.”
According to amateur cryptozoologist, Micah Horncraft, while it is rare for Bigfoot to play recreational team sports, it is not unheard of.
“There have been accounts of Bigfoot engaging in volleyball games and even gymnastics,” Horncraft said. “It is much more common for them to stick to their own cultural games like hit-stick-rock and leaf-on-head-leaf-tucked-in-shoe-don’t-touch-leaf.
Donovan said that he and his friends left the court following their game but watched from a distance as bigfoot sat slumped on the park bench shaking his head.
“I think he was sad that no one wanted to play with him,” Donovan said. “But forget that. Who wants to match up with him in the paint?”
Retail finance learnings reached unexpected heights when a Bigfoot took over a Coma business seminar.
About eight minutes into a webinar for Coma businesses titled “Maximizing Retail Finance Opportunities” several halting screams interrupted a presentation by local businessman Bob Smith-Smith.
An extended series of clicks, grunts and whirling sounds followed.
“At first I couldn’t tell whether he was agreeing or disagreeing with me,” Smith-Smith said. “Eventually, I realized it didn’t matter because he was a spellbinding presenter.”
The Sasquatch worked his way through the remaining 57 slides in Smith-Smith’s power point presentation.
One participant in the webinar was upset that the Bigfoot unleashed a series barking-snarls whenever late attendees loudly logged on after the conference call started. But others appreciated the generally smooth-flowing nature of the presentation.
“Presenters usually step all over each other on these calls,” said Marlee Bumgartner, owner a local daycare center, The House of Little Peoples. “But after that first interruption when it sounded like the Bigfoot threw his speakerphone across the room no one else interrupted him.”
Others were more outspoken in their praise.
“No one crushes it on webinars like someone with a head for business and a bod for scavenging,” said Marybell Davis, owner of a Coma private detection agency, LOL Detectives. “I’m all like, awe-face emoji.”
The biggest complaint of attendees was that the call suddenly ended seven minutes early when it appeared the Sasquatch inadvertently hung up on himself.
As rare as it is to see a “bigfoot” or “sasquatch” in the wild, coming across one in the business world is even more unlikely and can be just as startling. Just ask Senior Vice President of Sales at Coma United Financial Services, Mark Taylor, who claims he encountered a bigfoot at a shareholders meeting in January.
“The meeting started off pretty routine,” Taylor said. “Then we got to the part about quarterly dividends and in walks this giant, hairy son-of-a-bitch. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He approached the front of the room and went into a rather long lecture on how dividends were down and that it might be time to consider a new strategy. At least I thought that’s what he was saying.”
Taylor was not the only witness to the incredible event. Several shareholders who had managed to stay awake until that point in the meeting corroborate Taylor’s story.
“He talked for about 40 minutes and then fielded some questions from the shareholders,” said Gene Page, an executive assistant who was there to take minutes. “He mostly answered with a series of grunts and growls so you kind of had to piece it together, but for the most part he didn’t shy away from any of the tough questions.”
According to local Cryptozoology expert, Micah Horncraft, such encounters are incredibly rare, but add credibility to decades of accounts regarding what are known as “Corporate Bigfoots”.
“These are serious, well-dressed anthropologic creatures with a keen business sense,” Horncraft said of Corporate Bigfoot. “Most of their business knowledge is based on an economy that trades sticks, leaves and animal droppings, but many of their principles are sound nonetheless.”
Added Taylor, “If I’m being completely honest, I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. But that could be said about any of these meetings. Don’t print that part.”
According to Coma News Daily employee and part-time Taco Bell enthusiast Chase Donovan, a hairy ape-like creature routinely visits the Taco Bell where he eats at least once or twice each month and has been doing so for the past six months.
Donovan, who eats at the popular fast-food restaurant chain every day and sometimes twice a day over the past year, said the creature typically comes late in the evening, right before closing and has a voracious appetite.
“The first couple times he came in, I didn’t realize he was a Bigfoot because he was wearing sunglasses so it was hard to tell,” Donovan said. “But then one time he came in and just smelled terrible. I never smelled something that bad in my life. That’s when I took a closer look and realized he was a big hairy ape-like creature. Plus, he’s like seven-feet tall or something, so that was a giveaway too.”
According to Donovan, the creature usually orders enough food to feed a family of four and is hard to understand when ordering his food, relying on a series of grunts and pointing to the menu board behind the cashier.
“He likes the Cheesy Gordita Crunch and the Beefy 5-Layer Burrito,” Donovan said. “He went completely ape-shit when we recently started selling the Loaded Potato Griller and the Beefy Nacho Griller. He’s going to freak out and probably lose it when that promotion ends. But it shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody because we tell people it’s only available for a limited time but people still get all butt-hurt when it goes away.”
Some of Taco Bell employees aren’t convinced the mysterious creature is, in fact, a Sasquatch. According to drive-thru attendant Matt McPherson, the “strange creature” is a local patron named Hank Cummings.
“Hank smokes a lot of weed and pretty much does nothing all day,” McPherson said. “He reeks and comes down here late at night when he’s been playing World of Warcraft all day and gets the munchies big time. That dude can eat some food! And he’s got a lot of hair. ”
For now, however, Donovan is sticking to his claims that the creature is in fact a Sasquatch. He plans on getting physical proof the next time he sees him while eating at the restaurant.