Archive for: November 2015

30 Dates for Science: Was It the Flu or a Relapse?

By Dr. Jimmy, Coma physician and recovering raver

Sometimes we don’t appreciate life reaching a moment of even keel until the storm strikes.

When I first arrived at the Holiday party thrown by one of my longtime patients, it looked like another mild, friendly Coma holiday affair. People were politely mingling around the punch and finger food.

Even my ex-wife, Dee, hovering in the periphery was not enough to arouse so much as a protective antigen.

But every affliction begins with exposure.


The innocuous “How have you been?” from Dee quickly progresses to chills running up my spine as wandering hands begin to move and she asks if I’ve been working out.

Comments in front of others by Dee about our predilection for amorous encounters during weddings, funerals and retirement parties back when we were married produces a hacking cough as my drink keeps going down the wrong pipe.

As the stories continue, other guests are glancing at my sweaty brow and bloodless face and asking if I feel alright.

“Oh, I’m fine,” I say. “Just a passing cold.”

But a slow dance with the hostess turns into a Dee ambush and swing dance session (she’s leading), and after I’m woozy and bumping into tables.

I head for the bathroom but somehow I end up in the bedroom with the coats. And somehow Dee ends up in there with me.

In midst of the frenching and feeling the need to vomit I detach from myself in a feverish to out of body experience.

“I couldn’t really be here doing this on yet another Christmas, could I?” I thought.

And then I woke up at home in my own bed, what feels like days later. I knew the fever had burned through me because I could think clearly again.

But I still couldn’t grasp the wisps of memory from that night. As a clinician I know the hallucinations and nightmares that an elevated temperature can produce. But as a man I also hoped that the make-out session in bad taste would fade some day.

In good health, until next Christmas.

My Holiday Wish Is That You Be

Editor’s note: As part of Coma News’ community outreach, the following blog excerpt is one of a selection of local online postings we will re-publish by residents and business owners.

By Hope Donovan, Guest Writer, Marybell’s best friend, Alive, Future Librarian

My Holiday wish is for you to just be. I want you to BE. Like capital letters BE.

I want you to BE grateful. Be grateful you live in Coma where the most traumatic news is that too many people bought baby ducks at the local Farm and Fleet and then set them free so now a rogue squad is roaming around town and terrorizing small children.

BE grateful for your friends. Because your boyfriends, fiancees and even husbands will come and go, but real friends like Marybell will always be there to remind you that Tim was a jerk, pour you another shot of fireball, and then remind you that you can’t hold your liquor as she holds your hair at the end of the night. Be grateful.


I want you to be nice. Be nice. Just be nice to people. When the lady with the weird twin boys and the acne and really bad perm asks you to go get coffee with her after work, you should do it. Because she might not have any friends and that’s really really sad. I want you to go and grab your generic red cup full of overpriced caffeine, sharpie name horribly misspelled, and thank the hard working barista. Even though you know that she makes more money than you and has an excellent healthcare plan. You. Be. Nice.

Most of all be HOPE-full. Like me, I’m Hope. I’m Hope-full that I’ll finish librarian school this year. I’m Hope-full that my divorced parents guilt that they’ll be spending Christmas with their new families will drive them to get everything on my Christmas list. I’m going to have more Wet Seal and Torrid gift cards than I’ll be able to spend on tee shirts for bands I’ll never see in concert.

So be hopeful.

And this year I’m going to be happy sitting inside Bear’s Biker Bar with my feet sticking to the floor and singing along with those burly men. Maybe I’ll even go home with one?

Marybell told me she believes in me. She believes I can be better. And it’s good to have some hope.

Chimp Chip Charges Checked?

By Coma News Daily Staff

A primate, a politician and a futurist walked into a bar.

Actually, it was a museum. But those involved in a violent incident Wednesday agree on little else.

The incident occurred during a visit to the Coma Futurist Society’s exhibit of mustache-themed artwork by Coma Town Councilwoman Natalie Peters and her latest pet, Bo-Bo Bo-Bo, a chimpanzee.

Coma Futurist Society Curator, Micah Horncraft, stands beside one of the exhibits at "The Future of the Moustache"

Coma Futurist Society Curator, Micah Horncraft, stands beside one of the exhibits at, “The Future of the Mustache”

Micah Horncraft, the society’s curator, said Bo-Bo assaulted a painting featuring a mustached Oak tree. Peters said that allegation is untrue, and that Horncraft launched an unprovoked assaulted on Bo-Bo.

Amid the uncertainty, Sheriff Paul T Frostnib said he’ll investigate the incident when he’s “done washing his dog’s hair.”

“Bo-Bo Bo-Bo is not usually aggressive chimpanzee but there was something about the facial hair on those trees that really agitated him,” Peters said. “They obviously need warning signs for other chimpanzee rescuers that images could be disturbing to our babies’ beautiful little minds.”

Horncraft declined comment other than to say he would like his privacy respected at this time but did want to remind Coma residents that in the future a mustache will be used as a form of communication.

Horncraft said in the future, moustaches will be used as a form of simple communication

Horncraft said in the future, mustaches will be used as a form of simple communication

Peters had a lot to say.

“Someone needs to stop people from being violent to these chimpanzees,” said Peters. “That man punched a defenseless primate in the face.”

She went on to describe the primate as “the kind of guy who would take a road trip with Clint Eastwood–one of the greatest filmmakers of my generation–and become best friends.”

But opinions about Bo-Bo Bo-Bo were divided.

“I’ve never met a chimpanzee I didn’t like–until Bo-Bo,” said Jax Owen, owner of Jax Used Cars. “And I’m not gonna say that double hyphenate. It’s just overkill.”

Opinion: Dirty Ugly Punk Monkey

You Punch a Monkey in the face ONE TIME and you get labeled the guy who goes around punching monkeys in the face.

By Micah Horncraft, curator of the Town of Coma Futurist Society, Owner of a Tiny House

Apparently, everyone else in the world is perfect.  How nice it must be for all of you. Must be real nice to never make a mistake ever! Must be nice to not accidentally punch a monkey in the face and then have everybody call you, “The guy who goes around punching defenseless monkeys in the face.”

Yes, I did punch a monkey in the face.

Yes, it did cause his little monkey eyes to water.

Yes, I probably could have handled the situation much better.

And YES, I do regret punching Bo-Bo Bo-Bo, the chimpanzee, square in the face.

And now, everywhere I go, people look and point and I can hear them mumbling under their breath about how I’m that guy who engaged in fisticuffs with a primate.

So somehow, all my prior good deeds have been undone by one unfortunate afternoon at the Coma petting zoo.

Why not refer to me as, “That guy who routinely yields the right of way to other motorists even when he doesn’t have to?”

Or, “That guy who didn’t freak out when he discovered his two-for-one coupon at Da Foot Bucket had expired?”

But no, despite my many humanitarian efforts over the years, I’m now only referred to as the guy who had a minor incident with a simian.  It’s funny that this town managed to forget about the time I accidentally set those baby polar bears on fire but can’t stop obsessing about this monkey thing.

How about, “That guy who thought SERIOUSLY about donating to the local food bank when he saw the display outside the grocery store”?

That would be far more accurate because that happens all the time.

My advice to anyone out there thinking about punching a monkey in the face is this; don’t do it! It’s not worth all the looks and nicknames.

Work Wanted: Full Time Tire Changer


I am a full time tire changer looking for work. Basically, I will ride around in your car all the time. I will hang out in the backseat of your car, eat Funyuns, and drink Mountain Dew. If you get a flat tire you just wake me up. I’ll get out of the car and take care of everything. I’ll remove your flat tire and then put on a spare. You don’t want to be stuck on the side of the road and have to do that stuff yourself. Only $150 per day but will be worth it when your tire goes flat.

Email me and I can be in your backseat tomorrow.


Not Crazy About Coma Mad Scientists

By Bob Smith-Smith

Has the time finally come to replace Coma Tech’s Mad Scientists mascot with something less offensive?
I think so.
The answer to this question is both complex and simple.  The simple
answer is that they are disrespectful and hurtful to scientists and science-minded peoples.

Not long ago, I was at a Coma Tech game and their ludicrous mascot was pretending to lobodomize the opposing team’s indigenous mascot. Ok, just because American scientists have practiced such discredited eugenics practices against “undesirables” in the past doesn’t mean it’s reflective of today’s scientific leading lights.

As a one-time physics major, let me disabuse mainstream Coma residents of some facts about this mascot that they just doesnt “get”:

1. “We are honoring scientists”

There are so many things I can tell you about the sports team names,
mascots and imagery that are anything but an ‘honor’ that it would take up more time than you have to read.  So let’s just hit the basics – the ‘MS’ phrase is slanderous, not an honor.
Mascots and fans dressing up like ‘scientists’ is insulting and highly offensive, not an honor.
Fans performing ‘labodomy stabs’ at games are insulting and highly offensive.

2.  “I know geologists who have no problem with ‘mad scientist’ mascots”

Let me say right here that I am fully aware that some of our science magnet schools use names like ‘Math Lunatics’ or ‘Nutty Professors’.  This is where the issue gets complex.  You see, often these names were not chosen by our science students, but by the non-scientist (probably jocks) who provided the money to start those schools.

3.  “This is just ‘political correctness’ run amok”

What, for crying out loud, is ‘political’ about being correct?  Anyone who whines about being asked to be respectful and do the right thing to science weavers is a coward and a crybaby.

4.  How do these mascots/team names hurt science-y people?

Well, for starters, they insult. On a larger scale, “science” mascots serve to trivialize us as a left-brained people. This has gone on for centuries (Hello, Dr. Frankenstein), and it served it’s purpose then as it does now. So much for the ‘progress of civilization.’ Instead of portraying us as soul-less, controlling nutjobs, look us as people who are socially awkward and excited about beakers.

It’s time to include us in the national conversation. Bill Gates is no awkward, gangly joke.

Dog Purse Invented

By Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern
It’s not every day that a dog drives the fashion industry.

You wouldn’t know it by looking at their descendants but Coma’s dogs once dictated the fashion sense of the entire town.

At the turn of the twentieth century Coma was a bustling and growing town riding the brief and explosive methane production wave.

It was amid this excitement that Georges Von Peebles, a Swiss immigrant, moved to town and started making dog accessories. It started with fancy collars but soon  progressed to hats, pants, hoop skirts and parasols–all for dogs.


Georges Von Peebles knew that Mr. Sparky longed to have his own purse and other accessories.

But the most prominent canine fashion accessory developed by Von Peebles was the purse. Dogs wore it to carry various grooming supplies, snacks and, of course, money.

The accessory soon caught on with local women, who also had a need to surreptitiously carry snacks with them.

The fashion trend-setting of female dogs quickly progressed to leading roles in civil rights, aviation, and politics.

However, for complex reasons these trendsetting lady animals eventually abandoned their push against the glass doghouse and rejoined the crotch-sniffing status of their male counterparts.

Christmas Music Banned Until Dec. 1

By Coma News Daily Staff

This year, you’ll be banned for Christmas, after Coma forbade music for the holiday until Dec. 1.

After a torrent of phone calls to all local radio stations from senior citizens requesting Christmas music starting on Nov. 1, which shut down phone lines with calls coming almost nonstop for the rest of the week, a frustrated and Mayor Dave Anderson declared a ban on Christmas music until the beginning of December.

Violators are subject to fines of up to $1,000 if police catch them playing music they deem “too festive.”

At a press conference Anderson declared, “This is getting out of hand,” and, “Bachman-Turner Overdrive’s ‘Taking Care of Christmas’ is the stupidest Christmas song I’ve ever heard.”


The Coma Town Council is expecting public outcry and has requested extra officers on duty to handle any potential rioting as well as providing each officer with the latest music recognition software and most affordable cellular technology.

“I can’t believe this is happening, how can the government restrict my right to be festively jolly?” Dee Collins said after learning of the ban.

Police encourage citizens to report anyone they hear playing Christmas music or suspect will do so in the future. Festive sweaters and scarves are to be considered red flags and anyone seen in Dickensian garb is to be reported immediately. Anyone caught caroling will be jailed for 24 hours and face a $100,000 fine.