NewsWire

The Pulse of Coma

 

02/22/15 – 03/04/15

Coma Key to the City Awarded to the Oldest Living Snowman
Coma UFO Sighting Actually a Weather Balloon
Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib Launches New Season of Traffic Ticket Bingo

01/28/15 – 02/08/15

Week Long Celebration of the Root Cellar to go on Despite Lack of Canning Supplies
Local Gypsy Predictions to Replace News Meteorologist
Cat and Dog ”Bonnie and Clyde” Steal Hot Dog Cart

 

01/04/15 – 01/10/15

Local Trash Pile Declared Historic Landmark
Livin’ La Vida Loca’ Compact Disc Now Available at the Library
Dr. Jimmy Successfully Conjoins Twins

 

12/28/14 – 01/03/15

BREAKING: Anybody want to come over and help me dress up my chickens as members of the 32nd Congress?
BREAKING: parrots aren’t good at Pictionary or operating heavy machinery
Ice Cube Bootlegger Busted with 2 Kilos of Pure Ice

 

12/07/14 – 12/13/14

Longer Showers Encouraged to Flush Toxins out of Water Supply
Demolition Derby Blood Drive Nets 55 Pints of Fresh Blood
Assisted Living Community Installs Guard Tower
Mandatory Eggs with Every Meal Has Residents Scrambling
Mayor Claims Hackers Stole His Sticky Note of Passwords

 

11/09/14 – 11/15/14

Sanitation and Waste Reduction Program Rejected for 4th Straight Year
Breakfast is Cancelled Until Further Notice
Self-Represented Grizzly Bear Pleads Not Guilty in Shoplifting Case
Olympic Swimmer Sidelined by Non-Compete Clause

 

11/02/14 – 11/08/14

Town Forgets to Vote
Kids Eat Free at Beer and Wine Festival
Accident Victim Airlifted by Hot Air Balloon to Coma General Hospital
Oil Drilling Continues During Recess at Local Playground
Citizens Form Human Chain to Spread Flu Awareness

 

10/19/14 – 10/25/14

Out of State Man Arrested for Skunk Breeding Without a Permit
Coma MegaWinnings Jackpot Now Up to 2 lb Bag of Rice
Town Action Committee Finalizes Plan for Internet Access in Coma
Sunken Kayak Only Remnant of Popular Riverboat Casino

 

10/12/14 – 10/18/14

Old Box of Twizzlers from Amazon on Doorstep Mistaken for a Baby
Film Studio Plans to Shoot Coma ”As Is” for Post Apocalyptic Wasteland
Hot Coal Sidewalks Debut this Weekend

 

09/28/14 – 10/04/14

Dr. Jimmy’s Live Pigeon Pillow A Firmer Alternative to Down
Registration Still Open for Hay Ride, Face Painting and Pie Eating Triathlon
Critics Argue Stoplight Candles Take Too Long to Light
During Field Repairs All Football Games to Be Played in Bleachers with Fans

 

09/21/14 – 09/27/14

Reporter Suffers Short Term Memory Reporter Suffers Term Reporter Suffers Short
Attempted Murder Tryouts Resume Sept 30th
Brown Bear with Purple Spots Attacks Spectators at Polar Bear Coloring Contest
Coma Zoo Unveils Mouse Traps Exhibit
Unreasonably Helpful Man Charged with Public Decency

 

09/14/14 – 09/20/14

Nutrition Facts Added to Cows at Birth
Missing Librarian Found on 4th Level Non-Fiction 975.9063 DOA
Mayor Renames October, September the 2nd
Spooktacular Halloween Scheduled for September the 2nd 31st
Coma Dam Opens Following Bridge Collapse
Post Office Partners with Papa John’s for ”Letter Ingredients. Letter Pizza.”

 

09/07/14 – 09/13/14

Birth Rate Up Despite Hospital’s Installation of Birthing Obstacle Course
Office Building’s Silly String Fire Sprinklers Turn Pageantry into Tragedy
Coma Olive Garden Presents Never-Ending Psychedelic Mushroom Bowl
Dr. Jimmy Confirms Bacon is a Vitamin
Lonely Wizard Seen Leaving Fantasy Football Convention

 

08/31/14 – 09/06/14

Urgent Care Clinic Opens Underneath Train Locomotive
Due to Flurry of Bad Luck All 13 Year Olds are Banished
Grain Windmill in Coma Now Gluten Free
Masked Bank Robber Last Seen on Surveillance Footage

 

08/24/14 – 08/30/14

Judge Rules Identical Twins Must Wear Tracking Collars
Coma ”Bed & Breakfast” Reopens as ”Porch Swing & Dry Toast”
Old Shoe Found in River Identified as Reebok
Coma Elementary Now Offering Welding Class
String of Door Burglaries Has Residents Hiding their Doors

 

08/17/14 – 08/23/14

Trash Wanted for Landfill Restoration Project
Trending: Snapping Turtle Vasectomies
Emergency Defibrillators Replaced with Top Gun DVDs
Highway 5 Reopens this Week After Controversial Installation of Speed Bumps

 

08/10/14 – 08/16/14

Construction Crew Breaks Ground to Reverse One-Way Street
Flying Garbage Bag Mistaken for Kite Festival

 

08/03/14 – 08/09/14

700 iPads Vandalized at eBook Signing
Hostage Situation Diffused by Grilled Cheese Sandwich
Skydive Coma Considers Parachutes to Boost Repeat Business
Hoarding Intervention Planned for Owner of Self-Storage Facility

 

07/27/14 – 08/02/14

Bird Watching Club Never Got Birds’ Consent
Coma Councilmen OK Riding Lawnmower Police Vehicles
Residents Urged to Let Water Cool before Drinking during Boil-Water Advisory
Installation of Giant Mirror Nearly Doubles the Size of Coma

 

07/20/14 – 07/26/14

Reader Poll: Can You Read This?
Coma KFC Now Serving Chicken
Eye Doctor Adds Palm Reading to Help Patients See the Future

 

07/13/14 – 07/19/14

Obituary: Romeo & Juliet Actress Wasn’t Faking it at the End
Desperate Barber Seen Peeling Peaches
Gated Community Wonders When Rations Will Arrive and the Nightmare Will End
5 Car Pile-up at New Department of Motor Vehicles Drive-Thru

 

07/06/14 – 07/12/14

Breathing Curfew in Effect Until 11pm
February’s Candied Heart Transplant Patient Dies
Transient Tooth Fairy Caught in Dentist’s Dumpster

 

06/29/14 – 07/05/14

Dandelion Exhibit Opens at Botannic Gardens
Woman Claims Cab Company Doubled Her Fare after Giving Birth in the Backseat
High Winds Blamed for Last Month’s Tornado
Independence Day Moves Back in with Parents

 

06/22/14 – 06/28/14

Big City Historian claims, ”Coma’s Underground Railroad is just a pothole.”
Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy Now Believes Euthanasia is Permanent
Corndog Jamboree Rescheduled
Wealthy Town Resident Signs Attractive Lease on a New Mazda

 

06/15/14 – 06/21/14

How do I make this ticker slow down?
Bottled Water Escapes. Floods Entire Mountain Community.
For This Couple, Walking Barefoot Ends in Heartbreak.
Paul Bunyon’s Bunion up for Auction at Coma Fairgrounds.
Coma Recycling Center Now Accepting Iceberg Lettuce.

 

06/08/14 – 06/14/14

Graduation Ceremony goes off without incident despite F5 Tornado
How do I stop this thing?
Coma Elementary’s Kindergarten Graduation Ceremony still on despite inclement weather.
4 out of 5 numbers found to be 80%

 

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