NewsWire

The Pulse of Coma

 

02/22/15 – 03/04/15

Coma Key to the City Awarded to the Oldest Living Snowman
Coma UFO Sighting Actually a Weather Balloon
Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib Launches New Season of Traffic Ticket Bingo

01/28/15 – 02/08/15

Week Long Celebration of the Root Cellar to go on Despite Lack of Canning Supplies
Local Gypsy Predictions to Replace News Meteorologist
Cat and Dog ”Bonnie and Clyde” Steal Hot Dog Cart

 

01/04/15 – 01/10/15

Livin’ La Vida Loca’ Compact Disc Now Available at the Library
Local Trash Pile Declared Historic Landmark
Dr. Jimmy Successfully Conjoins Twins

 

12/28/14 – 01/03/15

BREAKING: Anybody want to come over and help me dress up my chickens as members of the 32nd Congress?
BREAKING: parrots aren’t good at Pictionary or operating heavy machinery
Ice Cube Bootlegger Busted with 2 Kilos of Pure Ice

 

12/07/14 – 12/13/14

Longer Showers Encouraged to Flush Toxins out of Water Supply
Mandatory Eggs with Every Meal Has Residents Scrambling
Mayor Claims Hackers Stole His Sticky Note of Passwords
Demolition Derby Blood Drive Nets 55 Pints of Fresh Blood
Assisted Living Community Installs Guard Tower

 

11/09/14 – 11/15/14

Sanitation and Waste Reduction Program Rejected for 4th Straight Year
Self-Represented Grizzly Bear Pleads Not Guilty in Shoplifting Case
Olympic Swimmer Sidelined by Non-Compete Clause
Breakfast is Cancelled Until Further Notice

 

11/02/14 – 11/08/14

Citizens Form Human Chain to Spread Flu Awareness
Accident Victim Airlifted by Hot Air Balloon to Coma General Hospital
Kids Eat Free at Beer and Wine Festival
Oil Drilling Continues During Recess at Local Playground
Town Forgets to Vote

 

10/19/14 – 10/25/14

Coma MegaWinnings Jackpot Now Up to 2 lb Bag of Rice
Out of State Man Arrested for Skunk Breeding Without a Permit
Sunken Kayak Only Remnant of Popular Riverboat Casino
Town Action Committee Finalizes Plan for Internet Access in Coma

 

10/12/14 – 10/18/14

Old Box of Twizzlers from Amazon on Doorstep Mistaken for a Baby
Hot Coal Sidewalks Debut this Weekend
Film Studio Plans to Shoot Coma ”As Is” for Post Apocalyptic Wasteland

 

09/28/14 – 10/04/14

Critics Argue Stoplight Candles Take Too Long to Light
Dr. Jimmy’s Live Pigeon Pillow A Firmer Alternative to Down
During Field Repairs All Football Games to Be Played in Bleachers with Fans
Registration Still Open for Hay Ride, Face Painting and Pie Eating Triathlon

 

09/21/14 – 09/27/14

Reporter Suffers Short Term Memory Reporter Suffers Term Reporter Suffers Short
Unreasonably Helpful Man Charged with Public Decency
Brown Bear with Purple Spots Attacks Spectators at Polar Bear Coloring Contest
Coma Zoo Unveils Mouse Traps Exhibit
Attempted Murder Tryouts Resume Sept 30th

 

09/14/14 – 09/20/14

Nutrition Facts Added to Cows at Birth
Missing Librarian Found on 4th Level Non-Fiction 975.9063 DOA
Mayor Renames October, September the 2nd
Spooktacular Halloween Scheduled for September the 2nd 31st
Coma Dam Opens Following Bridge Collapse
Post Office Partners with Papa John’s for ”Letter Ingredients. Letter Pizza.”

 

09/07/14 – 09/13/14

Lonely Wizard Seen Leaving Fantasy Football Convention
Dr. Jimmy Confirms Bacon is a Vitamin
Birth Rate Up Despite Hospital’s Installation of Birthing Obstacle Course
Office Building’s Silly String Fire Sprinklers Turn Pageantry into Tragedy
Coma Olive Garden Presents Never-Ending Psychedelic Mushroom Bowl

 

08/31/14 – 09/06/14

Grain Windmill in Coma Now Gluten Free
Due to Flurry of Bad Luck All 13 Year Olds are Banished
Masked Bank Robber Last Seen on Surveillance Footage
Urgent Care Clinic Opens Underneath Train Locomotive

 

08/24/14 – 08/30/14

String of Door Burglaries Has Residents Hiding their Doors
Coma ”Bed & Breakfast” Reopens as ”Porch Swing & Dry Toast”
Coma Elementary Now Offering Welding Class
Old Shoe Found in River Identified as Reebok
Judge Rules Identical Twins Must Wear Tracking Collars

 

08/17/14 – 08/23/14

Trash Wanted for Landfill Restoration Project
Trending: Snapping Turtle Vasectomies
Highway 5 Reopens this Week After Controversial Installation of Speed Bumps
Emergency Defibrillators Replaced with Top Gun DVDs

 

08/10/14 – 08/16/14

Flying Garbage Bag Mistaken for Kite Festival
Construction Crew Breaks Ground to Reverse One-Way Street

 

08/03/14 – 08/09/14

Skydive Coma Considers Parachutes to Boost Repeat Business
Hostage Situation Diffused by Grilled Cheese Sandwich
700 iPads Vandalized at eBook Signing
Hoarding Intervention Planned for Owner of Self-Storage Facility

 

07/27/14 – 08/02/14

Coma Councilmen OK Riding Lawnmower Police Vehicles
Installation of Giant Mirror Nearly Doubles the Size of Coma
Residents Urged to Let Water Cool before Drinking during Boil-Water Advisory
Bird Watching Club Never Got Birds’ Consent

 

07/20/14 – 07/26/14

Coma KFC Now Serving Chicken
Reader Poll: Can You Read This?
Eye Doctor Adds Palm Reading to Help Patients See the Future

 

07/13/14 – 07/19/14

Gated Community Wonders When Rations Will Arrive and the Nightmare Will End
Desperate Barber Seen Peeling Peaches
5 Car Pile-up at New Department of Motor Vehicles Drive-Thru
Obituary: Romeo & Juliet Actress Wasn’t Faking it at the End

 

07/06/14 – 07/12/14

Transient Tooth Fairy Caught in Dentist’s Dumpster
Breathing Curfew in Effect Until 11pm
February’s Candied Heart Transplant Patient Dies

 

06/29/14 – 07/05/14

High Winds Blamed for Last Month’s Tornado
Woman Claims Cab Company Doubled Her Fare after Giving Birth in the Backseat
Independence Day Moves Back in with Parents
Dandelion Exhibit Opens at Botannic Gardens

 

06/22/14 – 06/28/14

Wealthy Town Resident Signs Attractive Lease on a New Mazda
Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy Now Believes Euthanasia is Permanent
Corndog Jamboree Rescheduled
Big City Historian claims, ”Coma’s Underground Railroad is just a pothole.”

 

06/15/14 – 06/21/14

For This Couple, Walking Barefoot Ends in Heartbreak.
Coma Recycling Center Now Accepting Iceberg Lettuce.
Paul Bunyon’s Bunion up for Auction at Coma Fairgrounds.
How do I make this ticker slow down?
Bottled Water Escapes. Floods Entire Mountain Community.

 

06/08/14 – 06/14/14

How do I stop this thing?
Graduation Ceremony goes off without incident despite F5 Tornado
Coma Elementary’s Kindergarten Graduation Ceremony still on despite inclement weather.
4 out of 5 numbers found to be 80%

 

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