Archive for: July 2015

Editorial: Breaking Wind, Barriers

Amid the quiet of a Coma summer, one local woman is calmly smashing glass ceilings–with a 25,000 lb. garbage truck.

The most shocking thing about driving with Sadie Cracker isn’t surviving the g-forces as she rockets her monster garbage truck through Coma neighborhoods. Or going weightless as she pilots the behemoth truck across one of town’s many river jumps.

The thing that makes your mouth drop are the 1940s attitudes she slams into after the truck slams back onto the ground.

From young girls.

“I’ve had girls tell me they didn’t even know women could drive a garbage truck or be a garbage collector,” said Cracker, who recently made history as the first female waste management engineer in Coma.

Sure enough, every little girl we stopped and spoke to on a recent morning as Cracker drove past said they thought only “gross men” were garbage collectors.

“You mean, I could be a garbage collector when I grow up?” asked one girl. “That sounds awful.”


Coma girls gained a new role model this summer.


That’s the magic right there.

“She’s smashed two barriers,” said Robert McGuiness, cracker’s waste colleague. “The gender barrier and what we in the trash business call the vomit barrier.”

Cracker’s career accomplishments did not sit well with all Coma residents. Natalie Peters, the only female member of the Coma Town Council, raised concerns.

“It’s unfortunate that a woman is reduced to hauling garbage in this town because positions that would reflect our inherent self-worth, like modeling, gameshow letter turners or being a Kardashian are unavailable in this one-horse nightmare,” Peters said.

McGuiness knows a thing or two about breaking historic barriers, he’s the town’s first openly Scottish resident and an award winning pool player.

“I hope you mention that this job has a lot if upsides,” said McGuiness, who owns the garbage company and is hiring. “How many office jobs let you fart all day long without a worry?”

Local Teen Petitions Town Council to Adopt “Free Money” Initiative

by Coma News Staff

Local teen Chase Donovan is spearheading what some of his teen friends are calling a “radical” campaign that would revolutionize Coma’s currency system.  Donovan calls the plan the Free Money Initiative and claims it will end poverty, hunger, and suffering for many citizens in Coma and, “maybe even the world”.

“Think about it; if money was free, people would have enough to buy whatever they needed,” Donovan said of his plan.  “People just go to a store or something and the people there ask them how much they need and you just tell them how much you need and they give it to you and you go and buy whatever you want.”

Donovan hatched the plan during Mr. Schumacher’s current events class (fourth period) last spring.  He said the idea stuck with him and made so much sense.  After sharing the idea with other teen friends, who agreed that such an idea would end poverty and child malnutrition, Donovan developed a petition designed to attract attention from city council and create a free-money store in Coma.

teen 2

ABOVE: Donovan says his plan would allow people to get money any time they wanted to buy whatever they need and it wouldn’t cost them anything

The petition has been signed by nearly two dozen citizens thus far, although Donovan admitted that all of them are underage and unable to vote.  Supporters say such a plan will ensure a bright and successful future for generations to come.


“I’d love to just have tons of money whenever I want it,” Lance Tucker, 16, said of the initiative. “You just wake up and think about what you want to do and just go to the money shop and they give you the money?  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…I’d be like ‘Yup.'”

Opponents call the plan irresponsible and cite the crushing impact it would have on an already fragile economy and currency system. “It’s pretty clear that no one in their right mind should let a teenager decide economic policy for this town.” said Jax Owen, local businessman and town council member. “Especially when that teenager never had a paying job.”

Donovan, however, said he is not deterred by such criticism.

“Think about it,” Donovan said.

While Donovan said he will continue to collect signatures for “as long as it takes,” at last count the petition was still 10,000 signatures short of the 10,000 signatures of registered voters required to force council action.

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] WANTED: 2015 McDonalds Minion Figurines, specifically Kevin (1st week)

Does anyone per chance have a spare of the above? We forgot to get this
one, and despite visiting almost 15 McDonalds in the area since am yet
to find one with stocks of him.

Our child would really appreciate it if her set could be completed.

New in bag would be great, but understand this would be unlikely, so if
you have one with minimal signs of use that would be fine.

Thanks for your consideration!

P.S Image of Kevin here –

20171 Kevin with Banana_0121

[FreecycleComa] WANTED: Room fans

anyone got any box/oscillating/room fans they want to get rid of? Anything but ceiling fans. It’s hot in this house because we have no windows.


Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) .
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

Opinion: My Friend Went to South Sudan and Didn’t Get Me a Cool Souvenir

by Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Daily intern

A friend of mine recently traveled to Juba, South Sudan and he didn’t even bring me back a cool souvenir.  It really bothered me because I thought for sure I would get a cool key chain or a coffee mug with a funny saying on it like “You’re Drinking Java In A Mug From Juba” or something memorable like that.  But he didn’t bring me back anything at all.

When I asked him about it, he said he was too busy working to help build fresh-water wells to provide drinking water to local villages in the area.  He also said it wasn’t “that kind of trip.”


ABOVE: According to my friend, there is a “shortage” of “clean” drinking water in South Sudan. Apparently there is also a “shortage” of postcards because I didn’t get any.

I have a hard time believing he didn’t have at least ten minutes to pop into an ABC Store or some local souvenir shop that sells cool t-shirts that have pictures of wolves or dolphins on them or maybe a bag of some local nut or fruit covered in chocolate.  What I think really happened was he forgot about me.  He probably bought souvenirs for all his other friends but not me.  And then when he realized he failed to get me something he made up a story about how impoverished the region is and they don’t have souvenir shops and he was only there to work and help people have greater access to clean drinking water.


ABOVE: Even a cool neon vest like the one pictured above would have been a nice souvenir.

ABOVE: Even a cool neon vest like the one pictured above would have been a nice souvenir.

People dont’t go to fun, exotic places like Juba, South Sudan and NOT get souvenirs for their closest friends.  Maybe he lost track of his souvenir shopping list in between Mai-Tais or Pina Coladas.  Maybe he spent all his money on a zip-line excursion through the rich, fertile jungles of South Sudan. Whatever his reason, I just wish he would be honest with me and tell me he forgot to get me something.

Like a beach towel featuring images of South Sudan’s most popular tourist attractions or native wildlife.  Or even a baseball cap with a fun saying on it like “Chillin’ Juba Style”.

I don’t think it would have been too much to ask of him to get a small gift or token to show he was thinking of me while enjoying the all-inclusive amenities of what was certainly a top-notch hotel resort.  Maybe he’s not really a friend after all.

Local Woman’s Miraculous 15-Month Pregnancy Defies Science

By Coma News Staff

In what is being described as a first-of-its-kind for medical science, Coma resident Cindy Horncraft announced this week she is entering the 15th month of her pregnancy and expects to deliver any day now in her tiny house.

“This has been a very long process and I would appreciate privacy, particularly from the medical community as I approach my delivery date,” Cindy Horncraft said. “While I understand people are curious, I think this is a case where the fewer questions, the better.”

According to her husband, Micah Horncraft, his wife discovered she was pregnant nearly eight months ago. Horncraft said at first it didn’t add up as he and his wife had not had intercourse for nearly six months at that point.

“At first I was like, ‘how can this even be possible?’”, the 33-year old head of the Coma Futurist Society and tiny house owner said. “But then my wife explained that it’s probably what is called a ‘fertility-alignment delay’, or F-A-D.”

Micah and wife couch 2014

Above- Micah and Cindy Horncraft. According to the couple, Cindy Horncraft has been pregnant for nearly 15 months and suffers from a rare disorder called Fertility Alignment Delay.

Horncraft said he was unable to find any information on fertility-alignment delay but his wife was able to provide ample information that helped put him at ease.

“She said it’s not really understood yet by science but is not uncommon for women who are only children and who sleep on their stomach,” Horncraft said. “She fits on both accounts, so, yeah, it makes sense that she would be more susceptible than other women.”

Horncraft said he was further put at ease after his close friend and neighbor, Jax Owen, confirmed some facts about FAD. Owen, a close family friend, told Horncraft “all kinds of weird stuff happens when a woman gets knocked up.”

“I think what I got with Jax was a lot of straight-talk regarding FAD,” Horncraft said. “That helped because I didn’t know anything about it but he knew a lot. Like, did you know that you can’t get FAD from a hand job? I didn’t either. But Jax knew that.”

According to Horncraft, the couple had not had sexual relations for nearly six months when his wife Cindy discovered she was pregnant.  Horncraft said the lack of sex was a result of his wife suffering from a rare condition she told him about called Prolonged Period Syndrome, or PPS, which extends a woman’s period for up to a year.

Not everyone, however, is convinced of the diagnosis.

Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, said that while medicine is constantly discovering new ailments and disorders, he has never heard of FAD and questions whether it really exists.

“There are some very basic principles in science and human physiology and it is not possible for something like this to happen to any woman, regardless of her birth order or sleeping habits. Here’s the deal; this woman was inseminated nearly nine months ago. Period.” said Dr. Jimmy.

Horncraft said that while he’s heard from many doubters regarding his wife’s 15-month pregnancy, he has no reason to doubt the claim and is excited about the birth. “We have more room for a baby in the tiny house since my wife and son have moved into a barn they built.”


The Crush of Leadership

The following is the latest in a sporadic series on leadership that features interviews with Coma’s thought leaders. 

By Coma News Daily Staff

There are many qualities that can make someone memorable.

But one Coma leader learned early that nothing leaves the lingering impression of physical contact.
Coma Town Councilmember Jax Owen, who owns Jax Used Cars, identified some of his key lessons on leadership in a recent interview. The founder of the Hug Club and a political party–Organizing for Hugs–Owen underscored that anyone can follow basic steps to improve their connection and appeal to others.


Positive Focus.
“Make everyone you feel like they were the most huggable person you ever met,” Owen said. “That means staying in the moment and finishing strong.”
Learn to hug left handed and right handed. “You never know what life is going to throw at you, so be ready to go either way,” he said.
Kill with Hugs.
“People I can’t stand get some of my best hugs,” Owen said.
“Savor every hug like it’s your last,” said the longtime outdoorsman.  “You never know when a freak accident will take you away from the opportunity to hug more.”
Don’t begrudge others their hugs. Instead, get in line.
You’re only responsible for trying to hug, not for how it is received.
Embrace the hug.
“I used to fear hugging–how crazy is that?” Owen said. “Now the only thing I worry about is when I’m going to get my next one.”

Coma Sheriff’s Report

Crime Report, Coma

• Misdemeanor domestic tea infusion was reported in the 4300 block of State Route 45, Coma, at 9:07 p.m. Sunday. Involved pretty glass with infuser that sits inside. Charges are under review.

• Underage possession of National Geographic magazines. One person was arrested and jailed.


• Possession of 2 new skeins of yarn Moda Dea Prima; eyelash yarn (fuzzy strand with 2″ long threads attached–frequently used in scarves); made in Italy;82 yds./skein; wine color were reported at Wet & Wild Car Wash along State Road in Coma at 11:09 a.m. Monday. One person was arrested and jailed. Another was released on a summons.

• Aggravated menacing with  apothecary jars or containers reported in the 2900 block of West Church Road, Coma, at 4 p.m. Monday. Charges are under review against one person.

• Criminal trespass and menacing with record albums from the 70s.

About 50 of them. Included a wide range of artists from rock, disco, pop, soul, musicals, country, etc. Most were rock and pop artists in a red bin. Reported in the 2900 block of West Prospect Road, Coma, at 10:55 p.m. Monday. One person was arrested and jailed.

• Failure to comply with a police order and possessing criminal tools ( 6′ upright grey lamp white round plastic shade with 2 places for bulbs. One appears to not work; the other main one does). reported during a traffic stop near the intersection of State Route 46 and Jeff Davis Road in Coma at 11:37 p.m. Monday. One person was arrested.

Town of Coma Court Docket


Court Schedule: Alan’s Vape and Vinyl

**If The Town of Coma is closed due to inclement weather, this court will remain OPEN as we are a for-profit entity**


Hon. A. Pezzatti, Chief Judge and Vape Expert

Court Schedule:

Monday & Wednesday

Vape Infractions, Vaping without proper license, Asking for Pineapple Vape flavors: 8:30 a.m. & 10:00 a.m.

Trials: 1:00 p.m. & 2:00 p.m.


Small claims on Music Taste Indecency, attempted garage band formation, public displays of crappy music: 8:30 a.m.

Trials (nothing major, we send those elsewhere): 10:00 a.m., 1:00 p.m. & 2:00 p.m.


Coma Sheriffs’ Dept. traffic adjudications: 8:30 a.m., 10:00 a.m. & 1:00 p.m.


Civil return of Vape Products, fraudulent vape juice, counterfeit high-end mods 1st – 3rd: 8:30 a.m.

Trials for people who believe Devo/Avril Lavigne/ John Mayer are quality artists 1st – 3rd: 10:00 a.m. & 1:00 p.m.

Remember: Vape Awareness and Appreciation classes every Tuesday and Thursday at 4 p.m. Late attendees fined

Also, remember: Your taste in music says everything about you including whether or not you should pay a fine.