Archive for: April 2016

Coma Mayor is Not “Pro Cancer”

By Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson, announced an initiative that focuses on women constituents this week, and also reiterated that despite recent comments made by political rivals, he is not, in fact, a pro-cancer Mayor.

“I can’t stress how completely false these accusations are,” Anderson said at a town meeting on Tuesday evening. “I dislike every form of cancer.”

Recent rumors have circulated throughout Coma that Anderson was “soft” on cancer. This criticism is on the heels of him canceling all runs and walks for cancer in the Town citing traffic issues and lack of funding for security.


“I can see it,” local business owner and amateur politician, Jax Owen said. “I got that vibe the first time I shook his hand. Just had that I’m-not-a-friend-of-cancer vibe. Except the ta-ta cancer. He seems to have an interest in the ta-ta cancer.”

Anderson spent nearly two hours explaining his position on every form of cancer while fielding a variety of questions.

“He had little knowledge about what cancer actually is but that did not stop him from talking about most forms of cancer.” said Coma’s Dr. Jimmy. “It might be best for him to leave technical explanations to medical professionals rather than reading it from a medical journal where he mispronounces most of the words.”

The mayor said he hoped this explanation would put the issue to rest, but according to some, the mayor may have left the door open for future opponents.

“He did say he disliked cancer,” Dee Collins said. “But, well, he didn’t say he ‘hated’ it. I think people wanted to hear him say he hated cancer’s guts. Just makes you wonder if he doesn’t harbor some affection for the deadly disease.”


Won’t You Help Me Save the Wimin?

Mayor Dave Anderson

Not long ago I was happily living my own life, running for re-election and collecting numerous campaign donations, when I realized “Women don’t seem very excited about my candidacy.” So, I asked Focus Group Bigfoot to get a group of women together to find out how they felt about me. It turns out that women “really can’t stand” me.


Focus Group Bigfoot gave me a simple dictionary to try and help me understand women better and I am still pretty confused.

So I did what any supporter of empowerment would do: Launched a new development in town, similar to a Place for Those guys, where women could all go to live together in special tiny houses. But I’ve since realized that it takes a whole Town of Coma to raise The Wimin’s Vyllyge.

Here’s how you can provide us critical sponsorship support today:

1) What is Sponsorship? Sponsorship is a special kind of giving that creates a relationship between you and a wimin to create real and lasting change. It provides more than mortgage payments and Blue Apron purchases. There’s also funding opportunities for Aztec dance classes, tactile gardening experience courses, Pilates, and pillow-beating therapy for getting over your ex.

2) Who gets the funding? Money is not given directly to the wimin but rather funneled through a series of offshore accounts administered by a trusted public servant.

3) Will my sponsorship connect me with an actual wimin? Yes. You have the opportunity to choose specific wimin and to communicate with them through online vyllyge chatrooms. This allows you to interact with your sponsored wimin and establish a friendship that will carry special meaning for you both.

4) How will my sponsorship donation be used? While many residents are sponsored by donations from ex-hisbinds, some donors are in arrears with their payments. Your donations will fund collection opportunities from them.

5)  Are my contributions tax deductible? No, but love is (this does not constitute legal tax advice).

6) How about education? Donations also help vyllyge residents pursue community college adult education, undergraduate degrees as primal scream therapists, pottery, artistic photography careers, and graduate degrees in creative writing.

7) Can I give a gift sponsorship?
Yes. You are able to share the gift of sponsorship by filling out the contact information of a surly neighbor, former friend or estranged family member and we will pursue them as sponsors for as long as our legal funding allows.

8) Can I send gifts to my wimin?
Modest gifts, such as tote bags, throw pillows, gift certificates for facials, Coach purses, and empowering bumper stickers may be sent to sponsored wimin. Individual gifts can be lost in the unreliable USPS, so Mayor Anderson offers hand delivery.

9) Can I cancel my sponsorship? What will happen?  Sponsorship is voluntary–unlike spousal support–there is no contract involved, however our programs are designed to last an average of 35 years and provide a unique opportunity to build a relationship with a wimin.

Podcast: Drunk Deer, Dirty Baseball and Bigfoot PowerPoints

It’s finally 70 degrees in Coma which means it’s time for people in town to feel like models but look really bad in bathing suits. This is Coma News Daily.

The official internet podcast portal for the Town of Coma. This podcast is brought to you by our friends at Kale Flavored ham which is not healthy but you can pretend it is because it tastes like kale.

This week we decided to keep  ‘Getting Serious’ in a barn and we tell some tales about a Bigfoot who knows how to explain multi-level marketing with his halted screams. We also get sports updates on a new baseball team in town the DivorceHers.


As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!


Hosted this week by Jonny Reynolds, who is a real reporter, and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis, who does not write news but is attractive enough to read it. With news from T.S. John who can no longer prebreak news since he gave up peyote.

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Advertorial: Kick Some Butt with A Stunt Writer

By Coma News Daily Staff

Have you ever wondered how Sylvester Stallone is able to dangle from helicopters in every movie he’s in without a scratch?

It’s called using a stunt man. The stunt man takes all the pain and misery of the fabulous stunts Stallone is famous for, while the movie star gets the glory.

Enter the Stunt Writer.

Do you earn more than $100k a year, vacation every summer, and have big dog and “crazy” kids? Do you sit on your back patio drinking a mimosa and think, “I have a story. I could be a writer?”

Sounds like you need a Stunt Writer.

Meet John J. Jingleheimer-Schmidt, a writer published in 27 ezines, including “McDonald’s not McSweeny’s” and “The Eggplant” (similar to “The Onion” but EVEN funnier), and currently living in a carboard box behind Bear’s Biker Bar.


Here’s a great start for the next novel you’re never going to write, according to Coma’s premier stunt writer.

“I will be your Stunt Writer,” said Jingleheimer-Schmidt. “Meaning, I will go through all the horrible pain and suffering in life it takes to create your story and then write the story for you.”

What’s a Stunt Writer? First, this is not to be confused with a ghostwriter, who packages the mildly interesting anecdotes of drooling politicians, athletes or movie stars into a collection of gossip and coke-party stories.

“Noone dreams of being a gossip writer,” said Jingleheimer-Schmidt. “We all dream of being literary geniuses. And that’s where my skill set comes in.”

Jingleheimer-Schmidt will go through all  of the horrible life events and mind-numbing suffering that shapes the perspective of your average Tolstoy. Meanwhile, the client’s mental health is left blissfully unaffected.

“I’ve also spent decades honing my craft through a remorseless progression of thankless writing jobs,” said Jingleheimer-Schmidt. “As a Stunt Writer, I will go through your divorce for you, a death in the family, childhood poverty, and obesity. You name it and I’ll go through it on your behalf. Meanwhile, you’re left to live in cozy middle class comfort.”

So why hire a Stunt Writer?

“Because you just know you’ve got an amazing book buried deep under the pile of clothing catalogs that you call a brain,” Jingleheimer-Schmidt said.

What’s the price?

“Considering you don’t have to experience any pain, edit your stuff, or go to therapy, the cost is surprisingly little: Just a gallon of unleaded (I’m a bit of a huffer) and $200 a week,” he said. “If you decide to stop paying me until I actually produce a book, you may get even better results since that’d likely spike my angst.”

Jingleheimer-Schmidt can start whenever you’re ready to have someone else experience the crap and do the work that you never will.

Contact Jingleheimer-Schmidt today. He doesn’t have a phone or email, just a rusty message can sitting in front of his box, where you can drop your order and the five gallons of gasoline deposit.

Until then, bottoms up!

10 Reasons Actor-Led Baseball Has Fans Excited

By Jonny Reynolds, Staff Writer

Their is no better day of baseball than opening day and Coma’s first all-drama youth baseball team is ready for it.

goblin shortstop

Coma’s newest middle school baseball team is going to encourage actor-players to really “Orc it up out there” this season.

The Coma Midnight Players community theater troupe plans to make a splash as first-time sponsors and coaches of a Coma middle school baseball team.

Here are 10 keys to their success and reasons for fans of baseball to get fired up:

1) Agree—with everything. You have to start out each game on a positive note and if that means pitchers agreeing with every type of pitch suggested by catchers and coaches agreeing with every obviously wrong call from umpires, then so be it!

2) Make a statement. Players will be encouraged to come to games in any legally permissible attire and do pretty much whatever it takes to let the fans know they’re in for a heck of show.

3) Avoid judging what is going down unless it needs help. That’s right, every player gets high-fives and low-twos after every play.

4) Never pretend to knock on a door by saying “knock-knock.” That one’s self-explanatory.

5) Dare to be dull. If every player tries to be the center of attention at every moment it’d be like some kind of crazy nine-ring circus out on the field. One star at a time, folks.

6) Make a connection with another player. Just try not to make it your switch blade connecting with his body, Sharks and Jets-style.

7) Never expect a certain answer or reaction. If you throw a ball to another player or a coach, don’t expect he is going to catch it. He might just run screaming from it.

8) It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you sell it. If you want to make a real impression, instead of channeling some jock from a sports movie, impersonate the villain from a gladiator movie. The bloodier the better.

9) Check your emotional stability. If you’ve just had a bad breakup, it might be a good idea for you to put ice on it and sit out this game. Being too emotionally raw out there really limits the dramatic opportunities for the other players.

10) Understand why you’re playing baseball: For the love of drama!

Buy My Screenplay: Good Will Hunting 2

good will hunting

World-famous deer-killer Matt Damon really “unloads” in this action-thriller installment of the Good Will Hunting franchise.

My Amazing Screenplay

I’m Dee Collins and all I do is pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then sell them through traditional classified advertising methods. Read my ad below and then contact me to buy my screenplay!

I WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE! And you will too. Set in the remote wilderness of western Nebraska, “Good Will Hunting II: Will Hunts Deer” is an epic tale of survival.


A movie for everyone who was disappointed about how little actual hunting occurred in the first film.


Will is standing in the forest doing math problems on his chalkboard.  Suddenly he looks up and sees a DEER staring at him about 25 yards away. Will freezes in place. His mouth drops open and he begins to tremble.


                    Oh crap.  I hope that’s a friendly deer.

Suddenly, the deer bolts through the woods heading straight toward Will.  Will drops his chalk and takes off running in the opposite direction.


                    Oh no!  What am I going to do?

Will keeps running, dodging trees and jumping over logs.  But the deer is pretty fast and closes the distance.  Will gets to the edge of the forest and stops suddenly.  He looks ahead and sees there is a giant cliff.  Nowhere for him to run!

The deer catches up to him and stops.  The deer SNARLS and begins to GROWL.  Will shakes his head, looks over the cliff and then back to the deer.


                    What am I going to do now?  I think I’ll have to jump off this cliff and hope for the best.



That’s all you get for now!  If you like what you see and want to see this movie on the big screen or just read it on your computer then let’s do business!

Why Middle Aged Guys Need Hope: An LOL Mystery

By MaryBell Davis, 25 years old, amazing blogger of amazing things

It’s a mystery why time is sooo complicated.

Remember when I solved the mystery of how dumb a wheelbarrow is? It’s now time for me to solve one of the major mysteries of time.

How are so many people born in the wrong time and have to end up with someone 20 years younger?


Time is complicated but also complicated is my friend Hope’s  career. She is a successful table waiting professional. But she also dreams of being a writer and an artist on canvas and of course has hopes to finish her graduate degree in Library Science (so important because someone has to sit in a dumb library all day).

Hope’s love life is the most complicated part.

Hope dreams of one day marrying a rich dude who is her age, with six pack abs, who is the next Picasso–except no ear cutting, so gross. And yet, she’s dating a guy who is in his mid-40s, who is balding.

At first I thought, ‘Gross, it’s so 1920’s to have a guy 20 years older taking care of you’ but then I realized they have so much in common.

When Hope was learning to ride a bike at 10 years old,  her “daddy-boi” was finally getting car rental discounts as an adult driver.

When Hope was going through puberty and had her first kiss, her DB Rob was going through his wedding and becoming a father.

When Rob was figuring out a 401k strategy and weighing life insurance options, Hope was figuring out which prom dress to wear and how to write an essay about that dress to get into college.

By the time Hope was graduating from high school and leaving her parents, her big boi was going through a life crisis, major therapy, leaving his wife, and learning how bad divorce can screw with his finances.

It’s like they were living the same life in different times.

They like the same music, even though for DB “No Sleep til Brooklyn” was about bad boys skipping high school classes, and for Hope it’s an easy listening song that helps her fall asleep.

There are old ladies who say, “Hope doesn’t get it. She’s too young to get it.” But they have children, were divorced for obvious reasons, and kind of suck.

And when guys say, “What the hell was I thinking when I blew my life up for this?” they’re just bitter.

This is a new generation. We have CGI tattoos, unlimited selfies, photo bombs, and more meaning than any relationship has  ever had.

So, congrats Gen-X, guys. You get to know the amazing minds, imaginations and dreams of Millennial chicks, who rock!

And FYI, Hope just broke up with her boyfriend after they got in a fight over whether Van Halen was a type of car. So she’s totally available, guys.

Daddy Warbucks: how’s the job search coming Marybell?

Marybell: It’s slow going Daddy but I think I finally realize how important it is for Hope to be there for old guys.

Remembering Coma’s Infamous Panty Embezzelor

By Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern

Coma School Board member James W. Jacob “Jake” Smyth made and lost several fortunes as he worked his way from sales clerk to a well-known town elderman.

But the Coma man, who moved here from England when he was 15, found himself embroiled in scandal in the 1930s while operating the largest laundry service in Coma.


Coma History: Missing panties on an epic scale cost one Coma man his career, savings, and freedom. But were they ever found?

Jonathan T Buttontop was the first to raise concerns about Smyth potentially embezzling thousands of pairs of women’s underwear from his patrons. It took months for the accusations to gain traction, but Buttontop refused to let the matter drop.

Criminal charges were first lodged against Smyth in April 1932 and an indictment followed five months later.

Customers also filed the first class action in Coma asking a judge to force Smyth to reimburse them for the lost–and now unwanted–panties.

After more than a year of legal wrangling, Judge Samuel E. Skull decided Smyth owed the victims either 87 cents apiece or replacement pairs of “study cotton drawers.”

Coma News Daily reported on Dec. 2, 1933 what  the newspaper article called “a victory not just for local lady-persons, but also for Mr. Buttontop.”

His “one-man fight … has borne fruit–of the loom,” the newspaper article stated.

At a subsequent trial, Smyth plead no contest to four charges related to the embezzlement of 48,189 pairs of panties.

At his sentencing to serve five to 10 years in the State Penitentiary, Smyth stood in the packed courtroom “nattily attired in a blue suit, blue tie to match, white silk panties in his coat pocket with his rimmed glasses held in place by his characteristic black ribbon,” Coma News Daily reported on Nov. 17, 1934.

Before leaving Coma, Smyth was quoted as saying “I bear no ill will against anyone or their undergarments” and expressed hope that he would pay his debt to society and then return to Coma, an article on May 21, 1935, reported.

It was not clear when exactly Smyth was released. He died at his daughter’s home on Eighth Avenue in April 1951 after suffering a heart attack.

None of the missing panties were ever recovered.