Archive for: May 2015

Podcast: The Breakfast Club, It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

It’s 80 degrees in Coma, as plants and animals brace themselves for yet another springtime wind and rain storm that threatens to blow away our vast collections of yard ornaments. This is Coma News Daily.
The Internet news source portal for the town of Coma
This newscast, like happiness itself, is brought to you by Liquid Ham, where ham flows from the heart and pores.

With updates from local townspeople including Coma News Daily Reporter, Thomas Steven John, who can no longer report future news as the Peyote crop in Coma has dried up as well as updates from the Coma Mayor himself– Mayor Dave Anderson.

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Listen to the episode below and thank you for listening.

Murderer No More

By Coma News Daily Staff

Natalie Peters still remembers the day she walked out her front door and saw the bodies.

“They were so young and innocent,” Peters said about the pile of rabbit, chipmunk and mouse carcasses left in front of her door by her cat, Archduke Ferdinand.

That was the day she resolved to do everything in her power to stop her loved one from harming another living creature. It was also the day she discovered Ha’apanapana, a Coma pet therapist.

Not only was the therapist able to cure A.F. of his murderous impulses, he did so without ever seeing the cat.
The therapist treated the cat with an ancient Hawaiian method that involves solely working on himself, said Peters, who found an ad for the therapist on the Coma Facebook page.

“I described Fern’s problem over the phone to Ha’apanapana and through my sobbing I heard him calmly say ‘this child of the volcano shall find peace,” Peters said.


She mailed a money order and followed the instructions emailed to her by Ha’apanapana and her cat has not murdered in the six months since. He also has not gone outside in that time, at the direction of the therapist.

“Our furry brother’s fire demon needs a couple years of indoor time before he fully heals,” Ha’apanapana said in a phone interview.

The therapist said everything in your life is created from within you. When you change you, the outer world changes.

When Coma News Daily asked where the therapist was educated and earned his clinical certification from,  Ha’apanapana said “Does the flower ask for the bee’s certfication?”

None of that matters to Peters, who’s just glad to not step in mouse innards every morning on her way out the door.

“It took me a couple weeks to accept it but  Ha’apanapana gave me my furry baby back,” she said.

1972- Ladybug Fish Discovered in Coma

by Coma Historian and Intern, Stan Bargmeyer

In the fall of 1972, Coma scientist Richard Van Peele announced his discovery of a new type of fish species; the Ladybug Fish (dominaeinsectum piscor). The discovery sent ripples through the marine biology community as the Ladybug Fish proved to be one of the most unique aquatic mammals ever discovered.

Unlike most fish, the Ladybug Fish lives entirely on land and bears a striking resemblance to a Ladybug.  As well, Ladybug Fish do not have gills, are the same size as Ladybugs and look exactly like common Ladybugs in every conceivable manner.  In fact, the Ladybug Fish is the only fish in the world that cannot survive under water.

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ABOVE: A sketch of the rare Ladybug Fish discovered by Richard Van Peele.

Van Peele, who studied marine biology in his bedroom while holding down two part-time jobs, was a Coma native who later went on to serve as night-time supervisor at the Zip-In Burger on 8th Street in Coma.  Van Peele died in 1994.


New Cereal Features Local Resident

wheat cereal 1

By Coma News Staff

Sometimes marketing and branding forgets the common person. But an agri-food conglomerate is looking to change that with the help of a Coma resident.

Hillsbrand Food Company is trial testing a new cereal, Wheat, in the town of Coma to as an alternative to the popular Wheaties breakfast cereal.

“We did a lot of research and found that most Americans, or even humans for that matter, were not actually champions of anything,” said Charles Hogan, vice president of marketing at Hillsbrand Food Company. “To us, Wheaties was targeting maybe the top one-half of one percent of the market. That leaves a huge portion of the market for a competitor.”

Hogan estimated the potential market for Wheat is “whatever one-half of one percent subtracted from one-hundred percent is.”

Using the tag line “Breakfast of Humans,” Wheat is similar to Wheaties and features people on the front of the cereal box. Unlike Wheaties, Wheat cereal features average humans and a handful of D-list celebrities. And at least one Coma resident.

The first box featured Mike Chandler, a 34-year auto salesman recently fired from JAX Used Cars. Chandler, who had DUI convictions in 2002 and 2005, is in the midst of his second divorce and recently filed for bankruptcy.

“I feel I’m good enough to eat their cereal,” Chandler said “ What are my qualifications for being on a cereal box? Well I’m a living human being and they told me the living part is the only qualifier when it comes to eating their cereal.”

Sales for the cereal have languished since the product hit shelves in Coma nearly three months ago, but Chandler is not discouraged.

“I’m no marketing guru but people gotta eat, right?” Chandler said. “They’ll sell, eventually.”

Mystery Solved: No Breakfast at the Breakfast Club

The following is one in a series of intermittent excerpts from Coma residents’ blogs published by Coma News as a community service


By Marybell Davis, 27 years old, awesome blogger of awesome things and Coma private detective

Daddy Warbucks: Summer’s here, Marybell. What about getting a summer job? Since you are certified in lifesaving you could lifeguard, right?

Me: Daddy, have you heard of skin cancer? It’s everywhere where people are under the Sun. Why don’t you fax yourself back to the future where the sun was safe? I’ve got a mystery to solve.

Then I went to the local coffee shop in town. It’s a Starbucks right next to the Blair Witch Walking Park where all the old women go to hang out with their small children (gross) and talk about times in the olden days when they were young and hot and men liked them. Not sure I really believe that but whatever.


So, one woman had this screaming kid because apparently that’s what kids do when they are out anywhere in public and she says to another one “Remember the Breakfast Club? Where did that go? We were so relevant.”

Finally, another mystery for me to solve. Where is the Breakfast Club? It sounds delicious. So I went inside and googled it. A picture of Denny’s filled with white-haired old people popped up, followed by a movie called the ‘Breakfast Club.’ People were wearing shoulder pads and looked really horrible because it was the ‘80s, so I guess that’s what these women were talking about. I decided to watch the movie on my phone to get some clues about where this club went.

First, it’s not a club at all. Secondly, it’s detention and no one does detention anymore because that wouldn’t be fair to all the kids who aren’t in detention. Third—and this is the most important part—how in the heck could these kids be confined to a small space filled with books (gross) without any cell phone, Twitter, Facebook (boring), or Snapchat to update people. Not to mention text. NO ONE WAS TEXTING. They were passing pieces of paper? Don’t you know you’re killing a tree?

So I went back outside the coffee shop where the women were still sitting. The kid was still screaming and there was another small kid banging his head against a wall and saying “milk, milk, milk.” And there was a mom breastfeeding so I don’t understand why there wasn’t enough “milk.”

“I miss the old days when we were hot and cool,” said the mom with a baby attached (gross).

“I know. Those days were so great. Like we really talked to each other,” the other one while she texted on her iphone.

“You guys.” I said. “I solved the mystery of your breakfast club. It’s over because everyone realized there was never any breakfast there. So! Dumb!”

And I turned and walked away.

Classified: Professional Opportunity


This is a full-time job with dental benefits available. Will consider qualified applicants with an old age bias.

We are a state-funded agency in Coma that is dedicated to studying aging and whether or not it is a ploy by old people to make others look after them. Do old people just pretend to be old? Is aging a myth created by the powerful adult diaper lobby? Does pretending to age lead to premature death?


If these kind of questions interest you and you have wondered about whether or not people pretend to get old AND you have at least eight years of experience managing a staff of two this position might be right for you.

We have many benefits available that including loose work accountability standards.

Stop by the office and apply in person with Sherry Stern. We do not use email or fax.



Podcast: Just Some Dustbusters in the Wind

It’s 60 degrees in Coma, plants are starting to bloom and so is the public drunkenness at Coma Springfest. This is Coma News Daily.

Unlike anything you’ve ever seen before, “No Country for Old Men II: Revenge of the Old Men” is a movie that transcends genre and cannot be defined.


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no country for old men 22

Listen to the episode below. Thank you for listening.

Boy Interrupted

Bob Smith-Smith, writes Opinions for Coma New Daily that focus on Baby Boomer parenting of children with a focus on 35 year olds who still live at home. Bob Smith-Smith is a former councilman and also runs Bob’s Mart which specializes in employing his current and ex wife as well as providing artisanal food such as foraged leaves for Coma residents. The views expressed do not reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

I have slowly started to relax after Jon’s near-death experience.

My 35-year-old son, who we’re blessed to have living in our basement, fell prey to a mysterious illness about a month ago, its cause I’ll likely never know.

But whatever Jon ate or otherwise was exposed to made him so sick he couldn’t really stomach food, and what little he ate was due to my insistent pestering and sometimes forcing his fastidious nature by wiping baby food on the sides of his mouth to annoy him enough so he would clean it off with his tongue.

It was a difficult three days. I spent as much time as I could letting Jon curl up on my lap and stroking his long locks or scratching his beard. My independent little boy sought out the attention, too.


Slowly but surely, Jon regained his strength.

It took a long time before he spoke, though, and the house didn’t sound right without his grumpy-old-man mumblings or his morning belch-bellows.

I wondered how long it would take before his voice returned to the cacophony of the house.

Then one day, I sneezed. And Jon yelled at me for it. That’s when I knew he was back. For reasons unbeknownst to me, he hates sneezes. Maybe it’s the sudden, unexpected nature of the noise that bothers him. Who knows?

One thing that has changed is Jon’s appetite.

He’s always enjoyed food, but now he becomes so impatient for me to bring fresh food down to his “apartment” every morning that he has started using a broom handle to hit the kitchen floor from underneath.

It makes sense. After all, he was so sick that he couldn’t stomach much of anything.

For a young man to be unable to eat, even for a day, is bad news. Children–even adult children–can starve to death in a matter of two to three days and even faster if they are sick.

It seems as though the experience has left Jon with a new appreciation of food. He has always been large for his height. More than one doctor has looked at him and told me he needs to go on a diet, only to weigh him and find he is in an acceptable range. I’ve even called him “chunky monkey.” But only once.

He’s never had a weight problem, but I wonder with his voracious appetite if that will remain the case. But, for now, I’m just happy he is eating.

And a tiny part of me misses the cuddle bug he briefly turned into. Just a tiny part.

He’s always been an independent boy while living in my basement.


But I’ll gladly take the son who is running around the house, “yelling” at his younger siblings, stealing my food, and constantly burning incense.