Tag: sasquatch

Sasquatch ‘Crushes It’ During Local Finance Webinar

By Coma News Daily Staff

Retail finance learnings reached unexpected heights when a Bigfoot took over a Coma business seminar.

About eight minutes into a webinar for Coma businesses titled “Maximizing Retail Finance Opportunities” several halting screams interrupted a presentation by local businessman Bob Smith-Smith.
An extended series of clicks, grunts and whirling sounds followed.

“At first I couldn’t tell whether he was agreeing or disagreeing with me,” Smith-Smith said. “Eventually, I realized it didn’t matter because he was a spellbinding presenter.”

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Prepare your PC to be blown away by the webinar ninja pictured here.

The Sasquatch worked his way through the remaining 57 slides in Smith-Smith’s power point presentation.

One participant in the webinar was upset that the Bigfoot unleashed a series barking-snarls whenever late attendees loudly logged on after the conference call started. But others appreciated the generally smooth-flowing nature of the presentation.

“Presenters usually step all over each other on these calls,” said Marlee Bumgartner, owner a local daycare center, The House of Little Peoples. “But after that first interruption when it sounded like the Bigfoot threw his speakerphone across the room no one else interrupted him.”

Others were more outspoken in their praise.

“No one crushes it on webinars like someone with a head for business and a bod for scavenging,” said Marybell Davis, owner of a Coma private detection agency, LOL Detectives. “I’m all like, awe-face emoji.”

The biggest complaint of attendees was that the call suddenly ended seven minutes early when it appeared the Sasquatch inadvertently hung up on himself.

Recent Bigfoot Sighting Leaves Coma Business Leaders Shaken

As rare as it is to see a “bigfoot” or “sasquatch” in the wild, coming across one in the business world is even more unlikely and can be just as startling.  Just ask Senior Vice President of Sales at Coma United Financial Services, Mark Taylor, who claims he encountered a bigfoot at a shareholders meeting in January.

“The meeting started off pretty routine,” Taylor said.  “Then we got to the part about quarterly dividends and in walks this giant, hairy son-of-a-bitch.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  He approached the front of the room and went into a rather long lecture on how dividends were down and that it might be time to consider a new strategy. At least I thought that’s what he was saying.”

Taylor was not the only witness to the incredible event.  Several shareholders who had managed to stay awake until that point in the meeting corroborate Taylor’s story.

“He talked for about 40 minutes and then fielded some questions from the shareholders,” said Gene Page, an executive assistant who was there to take minutes.  “He mostly answered with a series of grunts and growls so you kind of had to piece it together, but for the most part he didn’t shy away from any of the tough questions.”

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According to local Cryptozoology expert, Micah Horncraft, such encounters are incredibly rare, but add credibility to decades of accounts regarding what are known as “Corporate Bigfoots”.

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“These are serious, well-dressed anthropologic creatures with a keen business sense,” Horncraft said of Corporate Bigfoot.  “Most of their business knowledge is based on an economy that trades sticks, leaves and animal droppings, but many of their principles are sound nonetheless.”

Added Taylor, “If I’m being completely honest, I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. But that could be said about any of these meetings. Don’t print that part.”