Archive for: January 2016

Podcast: Serious, Space, and Stuff

It’s minus 12 degrees in Coma where the snow banks are piled high and the children are climbing the walls. This is Coma News Daily.

This week we’re podcasting a “Serious” mystery investigated by a real journalist, Jonny Reynolds, who may or may not be an alcoholic and is definitely not Ryan Reynolds.

As always, we love our sponsors– Kale Flavored Ham and The Footbucket


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Rocket (Wo) Man

Editor’s note: As part of Coma News’ community outreach, the following blog excerpt is one of a selection of local online postings we will re-publish by residents and business owners.

By Sadie Cracker

In 1986, I was in Mrs. Keelings third grade classroom at Coma Elementary, when Christa McAuliffe became the first teacher to
launch into space.


I remember the lift off and how excited we were that there was the  possibility that we could be anything.
And across from me was a kid who would one day be my husband, Michael, and he said, “She’s no rocket man.”

But there she was, soaring beyond our atmosphere. A rocket propelling her toward space. She was just a teacher. Nothing really special about her she just had a dream that there was more beyond this planet and everything that tethers us here to the ground.

And then something went terribly wrong. Right in front of us, the rocket blew apart into so many pieces.

My teacher started crying and quickly turned the TV off. I knew it was bad but I didn’t really understand.

Now, I tuck in my son Mark as he holds a replica of the space shuttle.

“I’m gonna be a rocket guy, Mommy,” he says.

‘Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids’

And now I know the risks. Whether he goes to the stars or stays right here and rockets through his life, I know the risks. Just like Christa McAuliffe knew ride there’s no certainty to this life. So many things beyond our control. I tuck him and his brother in for my one night out. My one night each week to relax and feel human.

At Bear’s Biker Bar my father Stan argues with Bear about the space program.

“There’s no more Buzz Aldrins,” said Dad. “No more explorers.”

“They are just privatizing it, dummy,” Bear said. “They’ll go farther. Nothing to hold them back.”

I would be afraid to go to outer space. I’m afraid to get on a plane or do anything where I’m not in control. What if the boys lose me? After they’ve already lost their Dad, what would they do?

The door opens and Charlie the librarian walks in. He’s got a keyboard. It’s Elton John-Bingo Night at Bear’s Biker Bar. Charlie can’t play the keyboard but he knows I can.


Is it a loss if you were trying to reach the stars?

Charlie taps the mike and welcomes everyone. There are eight people in mission control tonight.

The new reporter at Coma News walks in. His name is Jonny. Everyone knows about him. It’s a small town.

My Dad looks up from his argument about the stars and puts out his hand.

“Hey Buddy.” He says not remembering he’s already met the guy.

“Hey Stan.” says Jonny.

Dad points to me.

“I’m-”  I say.

“She’s single.” says Dad.

Embarrassed I shake my head.

Charlie announces the first song, “Rocketman,” and then introduces me on keyboard, even though I haven’t agreed to play tonight. Bear starts to clap. “You mean rocket woman” he shouts.

“Sadie isn’t an astronaut,” Dad says to Jonny. “She’s afraid of heights and everything else.”

I gulp down my beer and go to the keyboard.

“She hates to fly,” Dad says. “She’s single.”

I nod at him and launch into “Rockeman” with Charlie.

And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time
‘Til touchdown brings me ’round again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
Oh, no, no, no
I’m a rocket man
Rocket man
Burnin’ out his fuse up here alone

Valentine’s Box-Making Training Camp Opens

By Coma News Staff

It was not a grand opening for Sadie Cracker at the annual Valentine’s Day box-making (VBM) training camp for parents on Wednesday.

The first-day results for the mother of two elementary school-age boys  was two discarded attempts at a Valentine’s box and a third torn to shreds in frustration.

“Last year, I swore on everything holy that this was the year my boys would have great boxes to hold the Valentine’s Day cards they get in class,” Cracker said. “But there’s still a lot of camp left to turn this around before game day.”

Cracker was the early favorite to win this year’s top box-making honors among Coma parents, due to her extensive off-season smack talking that got her suspended from the town’s Facebook page.

“I probably need a hobby,” Cracker said.

Meanwhile, Cindy Horncraft emerged surprisingly strong from the first day of training camp with a scale BB-8 card box complete with remote control.

This valentine's box would only take a competitor three weeks to create. Not bad for something your child uses for 30 minutes in class.

This valentine’s box would only take a competitor three weeks to create. Not bad for something your child uses for 30 minutes in class.

“I knew that when I got to training  camp it was going to be all about  showing confidence and realism,” Horncraft said.

Coaches liked what they saw in Horncraft.

“She brought her A-game,” said Shane Darvish, a box-making coach. “Let’s hope she can stay healthy this year.”

Horncraft suffered a season-ending torn ACL during last year’s camp while trying to speed cut a hole in a shoe box.

Another standout at this year’s camp was Marlee Bumgartener, who’s switching sports after ranking second in last year’s Halloween costume-making competition.

“I believe I can do it,” Bumgartener said of making the switch just before VBM camp. “It’s just going to take a lot of hard work and focus. I’m going to start by pretending they’re just box-shaped costumes and go from there.”

Town Terrorized by ‘Ghost Plow’

By Coma News Daily Staff

Many of Coma’s streets are not passable after haphazard snow removal and subsequent snow replacement since the recent snow storm.

Some roads appeared to have 8-foot snow drifts pushed from the sidewalks into the middle of the road, while other roads were plowed in random zig-zag patterns.

The only logical explanation is a phantom snow plow, according to local officials.

“I cleared those bloody streets so there’s no natural explanation for how it all got piled up in the middle of the road,” Robert McGuiness, a local plow driver, said in an interview at Bear’s Biker Bar.

Town leaders urged calm.

Image result for snow plow mystery

Staying well hydrated can bring challenges but Coma’s plow drivers are always prepared.

“The ghost plows are trying to divide us along the lines of those with four wheel drive and those without,” Mayor Dave Anderson said. “That’s how they stoke fear. That’s how they win.”

Other plow drivers gathered at the bar a for day-long happy hour, prior to clearing snow, agreed with McGuiness’ suspicion of an otherworldly cause.

“Based on the plowing patterns we’re likely dealing with some kind of alien-hybrid superplow trying communicate with us through a super-primal language of frustration and rage,” Micah Horncraft, another plow driver and futurist, said at the bar.

The impassable roads were similar results following previous storms–despite the support of local businesses, like Bear’s, to provide support through steeply discounted food and alcoholic drinks.

The snow-terror campaign has left many residents resigned to hibernating until expected rains wash the white nightmare out of their lives.

“I remember as a child loving the snow but that was obviously before I had to shovel it–and before the damn snow ghost,” said Dr. Jimmy.

Invention of Moustache Handlebars Almost Revolutionizes Transportation

moustache handlebars


Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern and Historian

Invented in Winston Montgomery’s garage in 1894, the mustache handlebars were an instant success and put Coma on the objects-made-from-human-hair map.

Montgomery, who was fascinated by using human hair to construct everything from fake beards, toupees, lollipops and headstones, believed the mustache handlebar would revolutionize transportation by making bicycles more human-like.

In a 1894 article in The National Bicycle magazine, Montgomery wrote; “I take great pride in constructing the first semi-rigid handlebars made entirely from human mustache hair.  It is my gift to the world.”

Initial sales of the handlebars were promising but quickly dried up after users complained about the flimsy nature of the device and the inability to steer the bike, which resulted in a number of accidents.

Montgomery ceased production of the mustache handlebars in 1896.  The design of the handlebars subsequently inspired a popular facial hair fashion trend.


Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern and Historian

Should it be ‘an open letter to whoever keeps burning down the multicultural center,’ or ‘whomever keeps burning down the multicultural center?’

The following does not represent the views of Coma News Daily and should not be in the news section except for the fact that Coma resident Pap McAllister paid a lot of money to dictate this to one of our reporters and paid to have it printed in the news section rather than in opinion or living. Coma News Daily does believe that people need to stop burning down the Coma multicultural building…

Dictated to Jonny Reynolds, emerging content reporter, does not have a social phobia disorder



People need to stop burning down the Multicultural Center.


They’ve done it again. The multicultural center on Sweetzer Avenue was burned down again last night. Whoever keeps burning down the multicultural center needs to knock it off! Or should that be whomever keeps burning down the multicultural center? Why does grammar have to be so confusing these days?

When I was a kid, the only grammar rules we had were I after E except after C and 30 days hath September. Now they have muddied the waters by adding commas, colons and even, Lord help us, semicolons. I do not know what a semicolon is, and I do not want to know. No hardworking American should even be able to recognize a semicolon. If you catch someone trying to slip a semicolon past you, rest assured that person hates America. Of course, the entire education system started to go down hill as soon as they introduced the multiplication tables. Multiplication and division are, naturally, products of the International Mormon Conspiracy to bewilder Americans so they can marry our wives while we struggle with complex math equations.  When I was in school, we had the core classes, Reading, Righting and Rithmatic. Spelling had not yet been developed.

We really knew things were getting bad after the Great War, when our boys came back to us from France, telling tales a strange new thing they learned about across the pond. Now, tell me, why in God’s green Earth would I want a gal to put her mouth on my pecker? How, in good conscience, can you share a milkshake with a woman who has had a human ding-dong in her mouth?

The whole country has gone straight to Hell. We have a Democrat in the White House, our girls have gone wild and now some rascal has burned down the multicultural center again. Now where are we supposed to keep our frozen yogurt dog treat cart during the winter months?

I have a message for the arsonist or arsonists responsible for this deed. Grow up. I bet you thought it was really funny to burn down the multicultural center once. Then I bet you thought it was just hee-freakin-larious to burn it down again after we rebuilt it. But, Mr. or Mrs. Arsonist, you have forgotten the old saying, “burn down my multicultural center twice, shame on me. Burn down my multicultural center three times, shame on you.” Rest assured, we will build another multicultural center. And if that one is burned down, we will build another and another. Why? Because we are dedicated to preserving the cause of multiculturalism? No. It is because we will not be intimidated by your immature pranks. You have no idea the forces you are tampering with.

Or should that be the forces with which you are tampering?

old man confused

Pap McAllister is confused by most punctuation and would like to politely request folks stop setting the Coma Multicultural Center on fire

PANTECH 2016 To Rock Coma

The following is an advertorial and does not reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

PANTECH 2016 To Rock Coma– It’s Happening Again! Don’t miss it.
By Coma News Staff
Is your business harnessing the power of the latest emerging technologies to tackle challenges facing the public donation collection professional?
As the in-person crowd-funding industry struggles to adapt to the realities of an increasingly cashless society, innovators are showing the way. And many of their solutions for independent donation procurement contractor will be showcased during PANTECH 2016, March 2023 at the Coma Convention Center and Grain Elevator.

The countdown is on for the most talked about panhandling technology event of the year.
What You Will See
From handheld credit card scanners to touchless debit processors, PANTECH 2016 will cover every technological need of the modern  pan-pro.
Who You Will Meet
PANTECH 2016 will convene one of the broadest spectrum audiences in the industry, which makes it a can’t miss event. Everyone from industry thought leaders, panhandling policy makers, payers, investors, leading pan-tech providers, and innovators driving the marketplace. Additionally there will be representatives of other industries starting to cross-pollinate into panhandling, including grocery store chains, clothing retailers and Fortune 500 companies.
“If you’ve ever been asked for cash donations for a ’cause’ by an employee of a multi-billion dollar corporation as you try to buy the necessities of life then you know the power of panhandling innovations,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson. “This kind of event is where you’ll find an answer to the question ‘Brother, can you spare some innovation?'”

Queries & Quislings

Queries and Quislings is an advice dispensary offered as a community service by Coma News Daily Publisher Davis Montgomery III.

Dear Query Guy,
Why haven’t my dreams of fame and fortune come true, yet? I can understand why other people I know have failed at every attempt to strike it rich and famous quickly through the sheer force of their personalities. But I’m different. I’ve always felt a strong affinity and connection with the rich and famous that your average nobody just wouldn’t understand. So where’s my Grammy Award-winning platinum album?
So Over Losing


Dear SOL,
Why do some of us achieve the lives of our dreams, swim in bottomless pools of adulation and cash, and get to O.D. by 35?

The answer is hard work. Sure, some whiners will claim that inherited wealth, key professional connections and staggering good luck drive most success. But those people have never grown a mere $15 million inheritance, $100 million in interest-free loans, multiple exclusive social club memberships and political connections that would put the Queen of England to shame into a staggering $160 million fortune.

Was all of my hard work worth it?
Of course!

In one instance, the tribulations of the wealthy are entirely unrelated to the troubles of the great unwashed. Whereas an average Jane may get into credit card debt over a compulsive Target shoe-buying habit, my wife will spend the equivalent of an Indian casino’s annual revenue buying the entirety of a grotesque French fashion line.

The vast differences in scale leave the seemingly similar pursuits of empty materialism totally unrelated.

Although I could continue with an endless number of ways that the picadillos of the wealthy are wholly evolved from the mundane drudgery of non-winners, I instead urge SOL and our readers to follow the subtle entreaties of my guided rose, and hit it with a hammer!

hit it with a hammer 1

A hammer can build up your dreams or utterly shatter them. No challenge or vacuous obsession can withstand a steady succession of well-placed hammer blows.

So take those futile dreams of tabloid-level Hollywood excess and unleash a hammer of enlightenment on them!