Archive for: March 2014

Editorial: Of Monsters and Balls

Davis Montgomery, publisher, Coma News

The family social diversions, or entertainment, market in Coma is ripe for investing.
But this lifelong savvy investor is stuck identifying the best–that is, most profitable–entertainments for our fellow townsfolk.

The unofficial past-time of our nation, baseball, appears to face decreasing popularity when compared to any other sport, hobby or waking activity.

One way baseball might be more interesting is to set off a forest fire near the field to see if the fire reaches the field before the game ends.

One way baseball might be more interesting is to set off a forest fire near the field to see if the fire reaches the field before the game ends.


While extorting millions out of the Town Council to fund professional facilities for a gaggle of drug-addicted millionaires has a certain appeal, it occurs that more lucrative options are emerging.

The growing sport of monster truck racing appears to offer satiation of the public’s growing bloodlust, as well as winter employment for my small army of lawnboys.
But if Davis Montgomery builds a hippodrome of hillbilly high jinks will they come?
You tell me, my fellow Comatons. Don’t be shy to write, tweet, bellow or honk your preference for future Friday night delights. When I am confident in your preference I shall unfurl my stadium plans.

Kim Jong-Il Art Exhibit Draws Criticism

art of kim jung Davis posing

By Coma News Staff

The opening of the controversial Kim Jong-Il art exhibit was marred last week by local activist groups who protested the former Supreme Leader’s “farcical” techniques.

Approximately two dozen people attended the opening, most of whom stood near the entrance expressing their concerns and frustrations.

“What century are we living in?” asked protester Micah Horncraft. “The Supreme Leader didn’t even know how to apply an underpainting in any of his early watercolor works and now we’re going to put them on display in a fancy museum?  Is it just me or does that seem like the worst idea in the entire world?”

art of kim jung 2

Titled “The Supreme Leader Enjoys A Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich On Many An Afternoon As It Is Not Too Heavy To Spoil His Dinner And Also Notice The Supreme Leader Prefers Creamy Peanut Butter,” this painting received multiple awards in the North Korean newspaper The Pyongyang Times’ annual “Best Of” in 1991.

Horncraft, like many of the protesters, seemed to have more questions than answers.

“Is it too much to ask for a little chiaroscuro in a piece of art every now and then?” asked one protester, who requested anonymity. “It must be because I don’t see any chiaroscuro anywhere up in this bitch.”

The exhibit, which is part of the private collection of Davis Montgomery, Coma News publisher and avid art collector, was expected to draw criticism for the former dictator’s political track record, but so far, the only criticism has come from community’s art enthusiasts.

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Titled “The Supreme Leader, Nude And Loving It”- this piece was awarded the prestigious Supreme Leader’s Award for Outstanding Achievement in Art in 1979.

Another protestor who requested anonymity to speak freely said “I’ve seen better impasto on a slice of toast. I’m not kidding. All I want to do in my lifetime is visit a museum in my community and appreciate some finely composed art. Then I want to die. In that order.”

The exhibit is scheduled to run through April. While Montgomery did not comment specifically about the protesters, he did indicate the exhibit will remain open.

art of kim il jong publish

Titled, “What I Had For Lunch; A Self Portrait Of The Supreme Leader Helping Himself To A Slice Of Pizza In Repose”- this piece was awarded several national prizes for achievement by the North Korean art community. Coma protesters claim the painting lacks a proper underbrush and demonstrates poor shading technique common in most of the Supreme Leader’s work.

Wolverine’s Losing Season Begins Saturday

By Thomas Steven John, Coma News future beat reporter
The Coma Middle School Wolverines baseball team will lose their season opening game Saturday and it won’t even be close. The 32-2 loss to the Damascus Canal Mules will shock many CMS fans but many will quickly write it off as a one-game fluke.
“No way, dude. ‘Rines rule!” Yelled Chase Donovan, when told of the impending loss.

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Instead of the second game featuring a repeat of last season’s clobbering of the Brownsville Trousers, the Wolverines will lose in a squeaker.
As the season progresses and the losses begin to mount, brief flashes of hope will spark when the schedule reveals particularly troubled opponents.

But the subsequent losses and the lack of a mercy rule in the middle school league will leave some parents questioning the point of it all.
Among the few upsides is that the final games will provide substantial playing time for the team’s benchwarmers following the departures of every talented player.
Marybell Davis expressed surprise  when told her younger brother was going to pitch for the team before the end of the season.
“But he’s their mascot and he’s like seven,” she said.
The season is never ending but will end on Oct. 27th.

The Perfect NCAA College Basketball Bracket

Chase Donovan, Coma News Intern

The first weekend of action in the popular NCAA college basketball tournament wrapped up with plenty of exciting finishes and big upsets.

As you consider filling out your bracket for this year’s tournament and a chance at $1 billion dollars (what?!), here are some tips for winning first rounds.

1. Pick North Dakota State to upset Oklahoma.  Considering that North Dakota State beat Oklahoma last Thursday in a thrilling overtime game, it would be wise to advance North Dakota State in your bracket.  But they probably won’t (and in fact, did not) advance beyond that.

2. Dayton is a tough match-up for Ohio State.  Ohio State has struggled scoring at times this season and Dayton has an explosive offense that led them to a win against the heavily-favored Buckeyes last week.  Do yourself a favor and pencil in Dayton here because they actually beat Ohio State in a game that was already played.

3. Dayton has a good chance of advancing to the Sweet 16.  Dayton already did advance to the Sweet 16, which makes this tip even more tempting.

4. I really like Mercer to beat Duke and then get hammered by Tennessee.  Duke may overlook this little-known 14 seed, which could spell trouble for the Blue Devils.  I say go with Mercer in this shocking upset that actually already happened.  But don’t get too high on Mercer.  I have a feeling they will meet Tennessee in the next round and will get steamrolled.  This prediction was even more salient yesterday when Tennessee absolutely annihilated Mercer to advance to the Sweet 16.

5. I am a big fan of Stanford.  While Stanford didn’t make a lot of noise during the regular season, I like their chances of rolling into the Sweet 16.  Why risk a perfect bracket with this tip?  Because Stanford actually won two games over the weekend and qualified for the Sweet 16.

Still not ready to buy into my advice?  Well, check out a sample of my bracket below.  You’ll notice it is still perfect:





Coma Couple’s House Haunted?

Micah Horncraft and his wife, Cindy, believe their home may be haunted

Is A Ghost Haunting a Coma Couple’s Home?

By Coma News Staff

Micah Horncraft didn’t want to believe it. “It’s something you see in movies but don’t think could ever happen to you,” the 30-year old husband and curator at the Coma Futurist Society said. “But after seeing the things I’ve seen over the past six months and talking to my wife about it, I am a believer.”

Horncraft and his wife Cindy live in a quiet, serene neighborhood in Coma. The couple has lived in the home for nearly three years. Micah says there was nothing out of the ordinary in regards to their home, but that all changed one rainy afternoon in early May when Micah came home early from work.

“I walked in the front door and could hear this low moaning sound coming from somewhere upstairs,” explained Micah. “It was kind of spooky so I went to investigate. The moaning stopped suddenly. I didn’t know what to make of it. My wife was taking a nap in our bedroom and she said she didn’t hear anything. But she was kind of clammy and out of breath. At the time I didn’t think much of it but later realized she may have had a poltergeist-style experience while she was sleeping.”

From that point on, however, the strange occurrences only escalated. Approximately one week later, Micah discovered a pair of men’s underwear underneath his bed.


Pair of underwear Micah discovered under his bed. Horncraft believes the men’s underwear were left by the ghost.

“I was at a loss. They weren’t my underwear,” Micah said. “That’s when my wife, Cindy, suggested that the house was haunted.”

At first, Micah didn’t buy it. He thought there had to be another explanation for what was happening.

“Cindy was convinced there was a ghost,” Micah explained. “She said it would explain the moaning sounds I heard. She also said she did some research on the internet and that it’s pretty common for ghosts to steal men’s underwear from one dimension and leave it in our dimension. So things kind of started to make sense.”

In June, Micah discovered an open Trojan condom wrapper in the bathroom, which only intensified the mystery surrounding their wayward spiritual visitor.

“That kind of freaked me out,” he said. “My wife though, who has really remained calm throughout this entire experience, discovered that, once again, this was not out of the ordinary. Apparently some ghosts will have intercourse and then leave their condom wrappers lying around.”

Fortunately for Micah and Cindy, they were not alone in investigating the bizarre supernatural events happening in their home. According to Micah, Jax Owen, a neighbor and used-car salesman, has taken a deep interest in the situation.

Micah's neighbor, Jax Owen has been a huge help to the Horncraft's during their ordeal

Micah’s neighbor, Jax Owen has been a huge help to the Horncrafts during their ordeal

“I don’t know what I would do without Jax’s help,” Micah said. “He’s been there for Cindy and me and has really gone above and beyond in terms of trying to help us make sense of the situation.”

According to Horncraft, Owen became involved in July. Micah said he came home from work and went upstairs to find Owen in his bedroom with his wife.

“Cindy had gotten a little bit shaken by some noises she had heard and asked Jax to come over and investigate,” Micah explained. “Thank god we have a neighbor willing to help out like that.”

Shortly after that incident, Owen suggested to the couple that the three of them conduct a “ghost hunt.” Owen secured specialized equipment that would allow them to sense the presence of a spirit. The equipment included a variety of recording devices, microphones, cameras and earplugs.

“The plan was that we would spread out and each monitor different parts of the house,” Micah said. “I was stationed in the basement and Cindy and Jax were stationed upstairs in our bedroom.”

Micah said Jax gave him a microphone, a recorder and a set of industrial-strength ear plugs and instructed him to remain in the basement for the night and record anything unusual that he heard. Micah said the evening was uneventful and he ended up falling asleep midway through the night. But what he discovered in the early-morning hours the next day shook him too the core.

“I went upstairs and found Cindy naked and sleeping on the floor of our bedroom,” Micah said. “I searched for Jax and found him in the kitchen making himself a sandwich. He was also naked. Things were just getting way too creepy for me.”

According to Cindy, she had no recollection of the night and did not know how she ended up naked on the floor of their bedroom. Owen was similarly mystified. He said he woke up naked in the kitchen and was suddenly very hungry so he made himself a sandwich.

“This ghost or spirit or whatever it is has gone too far,” Micah said. “When it starts possessing my wife’s body, well, that’s where I draw the line.”

Horncraft claims to have had first-hand contact with the spirit. After a late shift at work, he came home and saw the ghost in his living room. He said the shadowy figure rushed out of the room. Horncraft was so shaken by the incident that he quickly sketched out a drawing of what he saw before it escaped his mind.


A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

“I think he was going to try to possess Cindy,” Micah said.  “She fell asleep on the couch and when I woke her up she was sweaty and her heart was racing. She later told me that she felt him trying to possess her body so that’s when I figured that he was probably trying to possess her body.”

While Horncraft has urged his wife that the two of them should consult a paranormal expert to investigate the matter further, Cindy is convinced the couple can handle this situation on their own, with the help of trusty neighbor, Jax.

“Cindy thinks the best way to handle a haunting like this is to keep it between the two of us. And Jax of course. I am so grateful for Jax,” Micah said, wiping away a tear from the corner of his eye. “I don’t know how we would have made it through all of this without his help.”

At press time, the couple was still dealing with strange occurrences. Micah recently asked Jax to stay at the house on the nights he has to work late to help look after Cindy. Sources confirm that Jax has agreed to do so.

Coma Cancels Portable Phone Book Tote Bag Program

portable phone book tote


By Coma News Staff

Officials at Coma’s Yellow Pages Directory announced today they will cancel the popular portable phone book tote bag program after numerous complaints and injuries by users.

“This is a sad day for anyone who loves portable phone book tote bags,” Coma Yellow Pages publisher, George Whitener said.

The tote bag program was created in 2009 as the phone book company sought ways to remain relevant in a digital age. As profits plummeted from one year to the next, Whitener developed the idea that he thought would propel the phone book into the 21st century.

“The new-look phone book had to be portable, that was rule number one,” Whitener said.  “We spent months trying to think of ways to make the book smaller or lighter or more portable.  And then one day, someone walked into a meeting with this lovely tote bag and we all stopped and stared and said, ‘that’s it!’”

The tote bag was complimentary with hopes users would be more likely to carry their phone books with them when they went shopping, out to eat or any public outing.

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Despite some early momentum, the portable phone book tote bag fell out of favor with consumers, who cited strain on the neck and back and a general sense of exhaustion caused by carrying around a 24 pound book all over God’s Green Earth.

Based on this feedback, Whitener and his team did a re-design to make the book lighter and the portable phone book tote bag version 2.0 hit the streets in the spring of 2010.

portably phone book tote 3

“We went through the phone book and decided to remove a lot of the listings that nobody gave a shit about any more,” Whitener said.  “We removed any listing having to do with museums, libraries, really anything cultural value was removed.  That dropped the weight by about six pounds.”

To complicate matters, following the launch of version 2.0, several deaths were linked to heart failure and stroke due to excessive strain caused by the phone book tote.  Several lawsuits followed and the product was scrapped entirely.

portable phone book tote 2

“A lot of people were bitching about neck and back pain and some people required surgery to repair minor spinal damage.” Whitener said with a hint of disgust. “We put a fucking chart up on how people should stand and walk and shit to reduce their risk of serious injury.  It’s not my fault they can’t read or understand a basic picture!”

While a number of lawsuits were settled out of court, the company is still facing pending litigation.  Company officials said the tote bags would no longer be available starting today.

Coma to Serve as Test Site for New Coors Light Liquid Nitrogen

CoorLightImageMountains 2

The Coors Brewing Company announced today it will run a pilot program for its new Coors Light-Liquid Nitrogen product in the town of Coma.

“We are really excited about this,” Coma Mayor, Dave Anderson said.  “It’s not often we get hand-picked for special pilot programs with such significant national implications and stuff.”

According to Coors spokesperson, Anthony Hoffman, the new Coors Light-Liquid Nitrogen represents a significant step forward in the company’s never-ending quest to brew the coldest beer possible.

“We are redefining the word cold with this effort,” Hoffman said.  “We’ve always pitched our product as being as cold as the Rocky Mountains.  But we realized the Rocky Mountains aren’t the coldest thing known to mankind.  We had to benchmark against something colder.  We think we found that with liquid nitrogen.”

Hoffman said the pilot program will run for six weeks and the product will be offered at all existing Coors Light retailers in Coma.  The company will also conduct market research in the community, including focus groups, to evaluate performance and further develop their plans for a nationwide launch in June of 2014.

The new Coors Light-Liquid Nitrogen is a cryogenic fluid infused with the popular beer.  It can cause rapid freezing on contact with living tissue so the company has gone through the process of re-labeling its bottles and packaging so consumers understand the risks involved with handling the product.  At this time, there is no scientifically safe method for ingesting the beer, but Hoffman is undeterred by such detail.

“We’ve really moved beyond caring about whether or not people can drink our beer,” Hoffman said.  “That went out the window a long time ago.  Now, we only care about the science and the processes involved with producing the coldest beer known in our galaxy and perhaps all the universe.  That’s all that matters now.”

According to Hoffman, consumers should take precautions when opening a bottle of Coors Light-Liquid Nitrogen due to the fact that as the liquid evaporates, it may reduce the oxygen in the air and may act as an asphyxiant, especially in confined spaces.

“I wouldn’t try to drink it in a broom closet, if you know what I mean,” Hoffman said.  “That shit will knock you right on your ass.”

12 pack coors light

The new Coors Light-Liquid Nitrogen will be available at Coma retailers starting next month.  Mayor Anderson said it was a good opportunity for the town, but he had some reservations about the product itself.

“Apparently the people at Coors use mountain water to brew their beer,” Anderson said.   “I’ve always thought that was odd because I’m sure there lots of rodents and mice and raccoons and elk and moose that urinate and defecate in that water.”six pack coors light

Rare Kim Jong-Il Artwork to be Displayed in Coma


Art collector and Coma News Network publisher, Davis Montgomery, stands beside a painting by former North Korean Supreme Leader, kim Jong-Il at a recent preview of the upcoming exhibition


By Coma News Staff

Business leader and art collector, Davis Montgomery announced yesterday that his rare collection of paintings by former North Korean Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-Il, will go on display at the Coma Landmine Tours & Museum later this month.

The incredibly rare collection features nearly two dozen paintings completed by Jong-Il, who served as the head of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea from 1994 to 2011.  Among the collection are many award-winning pieces that reflect the communist dictator’s passion for art.


Titled simply; “Born This Way: The Supreme Leader Was Birthed From The Sun’s Vagina And Came To Earth On Hot Rays Of Sunshine To Show The World His Greatness,” the above painting won more than 40 North Korean art awards and saw the Supreme Leader experiment with the color orange for the first time, which he later described as “refreshing.”

Titled simply; “Born This Way: The Supreme Leader Was Birthed From The Sun’s Vagina And Came To Earth On Hot Rays Of Sunshine To Show The World His Greatness,” the above painting won more than 40 North Korean art awards and saw the Supreme Leader experiment with the color orange for the first time, which he later described as “refreshing.”

“These are amazing paintings,” Montgomery said.  “People outside North Korea don’t know the former Supreme Leader was an avid and accomplished artist, but he was.”

Montgomery, who is also the publisher of Coma News, purchased the collection at an auction in Pyongyang in 2012 for an undisclosed amount.  According to Montgomery, this will be the first public showing of the collection outside North Korea.

Above: Painting by Kim Jong-Il titled “By Whose Authority Was This Dog Permitted To Go Outdoors Because The Supreme Leader Was Certainly Not Advised”, this painting is considered by most North Koreans as the greatest work of art of the 20th century.

Above: Painting by Kim Jong-Il titled “By Whose Authority Was This Dog Permitted To Go Outdoors Because The Supreme Leader Was Certainly Not Advised”, this painting is considered by most North Koreans as the greatest work of art of the 20th century.

“If people move past the oppressive nature of his reign as Supreme Leader, I think they will find some beautiful art,” Montgomery said.  “Every painting he created won multiple awards from the North Korean art community.  So you know it’s quality art.  They don’t hand out awards to mediocre painters in North Korea.”

Entitled “The Supreme Leader’s Arm Is Never Far Away From You And Is Always Clutching A Sharp Knife But Do Not Fear For The Supreme Leader Does Not Recklessly Murder Butterflies”, this piece received warm praise from North Korea’s art community and was displayed in the lobby of the Ryugyong Hotel for many years.

Entitled “The Supreme Leader’s Arm Is Never Far Away From You And Is Always Clutching A Sharp Knife But Do Not Fear For The Supreme Leader Does Not Recklessly Murder Butterflies”, this piece received warm praise from North Korea’s art community and was displayed in the lobby of the Ryugyong Hotel for many years.

The exhibit is scheduled to open on Thursday, March 27.