Category: Opinion

Opinion: Who Will Get My Frisbee Down?

Johnny Cracker

The following are the views of a Coma resident. Coma News Daily does not endorse these views.

My Frisbee is stuck on the roof.

I don’t know how it got there but it might have been aliens.

My brother and I really like this Frisbee. It’s blue and has yellow lines on it and a hole in the middle. But even though it has a hole it still goes really high and far. I don’t know if the hole makes it harder to aim than a normal Frisbee but sometimes it doesn’t go where we want it to when we throw it.

But we definitely did not throw it onto our roof. Maybe it was a werewolf that put it up there?

My mom said if we lost another Frisbee on the roof she wasn’t going to buy us a new one. But we have no idea how it got up there. I mean it!

If you have a ladder or a helicopter we could probably get it down. It would have to be a tall ladder and you can’t be afraid of heights. And you probably need to be strong enough to carry the ladder to our house. But after that it should be really easy to go way up there and climb onto the roof and throw the Frisbee down. You could probably throw down the other balls and stuff, like a bunch of sticks someone else probably threw up there to get the Frisbee down.

See? Easy. Some come over to our house as soon as you can help us out because the rain is probably bad for the Frisbee and it’s been raining a lot.

Have a great day!

Johnny Cracker is 10-year-old lifelong resident of Coma.

The Internet and Your Safety

dr jimmy 2

Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, sprawled out on a fallen tree during a photo shoot last fall for his “The Many Ways Death Can Kill” project

By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy

Since going on line on the computer world nearly three months ago, a lot of citizens have been asking me if it’s safe to be using computers to read news and information and to do other things.  I wanted to take a moment to reassure the citizens of Coma that for the most part, the internet and computers are relatively safe.

Furthermore, it is highly unlikely that a computer or an internet can be used as a violent weapon.  While it is physically possible for someone to wield a personal computer hard drive or a monitor to inflict pain and suffering on another human being, it is no different than a television in that regard.

Therefore, I am rating the internet and/or computer as a six on Dr. Jimmy’s “Object as a Practical Tool of Violence” Meter.  This is slightly higher than a microwave oven and a little less than a manhole cover or denim pants.  For reference sake, an abbreviated version of the meter is included below.

 

Dr. Jimmy’s Object As A Practical Tool of Violence Meter

10-           Hand grenades, firearms, swords, Katana Samurai swords, cannons, heavy artillery

9-              Broken glass, fireworks, Legos, battery acid, baseball bats (wood)

8-              Bag of batteries, cantaloupe,  saw, hammer, toothbrush whittled to a fine point

7-               BB gun, peanut brittle, baseball bats (aluminum), manhole cover, water (frozen)

6-              Monopoly game pieces, tire iron, internet, scissors, raw spaghetti noodles

5-              Stick, microwave oven, pretzels, rolled up magazine, toaster oven

4-              Traditional Baatwon “Rabies” Stick, keys, lobster claw, 2.5 lb. dumbbell

3-              Captain CrunStickch Cereal, hard boiled eggs, elastic bands,  gloves/mittens

2-              Photographs of horses, cassette tapes, grass clippings, yogurt

1-              Chewed banana, water (unfrozen), hair, letters of the alphabet

 

Titanic: Could that Shit Happen Here?

c store copy

by Steve Phillips

I saw a movie I was watching on TV and it blew my mind up all over the place.  It was about a big boat that blew up in the middle of the ocean and then sank and everybody in it died forever.  I thought to myself, “could that shit happen here in Coma?”

Well, let’s do the science of it.  First, Coma doesn’t have any nearby lakes or oceans.  So that’s good.  That means it’s unlikely that part could happen here.

Vape and Vinyl Ad Xmas

Steve Phillips is not only an opinion contributer to Coma New Daily, he’s also the spokesperson for Alan’s Vape & Vinyl. If elegance, smoking and music ever had a threesome and made a baby, Alan’s Vape & Vinyl would be that baby.

Next, what about the boat?  I have seen some boats around town but none of those boats were as big as the boat in the movie.  The boat in the movie was probably one of the biggest boats ever made.  So that’s good too.  That means we’re probably not going to wake up one day and find ourselves on a really big boat and be like “oh shit, we’re going to sink to the bottom of the land.”

Based on those two things, I’m going to say it is not likely at all that we are going to face the same stuff the people on the boat in the movie Titanics faced.  So no, I don’t think that shit could happen here.  We’re lucky.

 

Hey Girl, Jax Owen Knows How You Want To Be Made Love to this Valentine’s Day

By Coma Resident and Business Owner, Jax Owen

It’s Valentine’s Day again. You should spend it with me, Jax Owen. Yes, THAT Jax Owen. I own and operate the used car lot in town.

We could have fun hanging out at my place. You could bring over some groceries and make me supper. What’s that baby? You’ve been on your feet all day? No worries, I have some Therafit Women’s Slip-On casual shoes (size 7) for you to wear. It’ll be like walking on clouds while you work in the kitchen.

You’re welcome baby. I’m here for you. I will literally be in the next room watching season two of Ice Road Truckers the entire time.

jax 2

ABOVE: Jax Owen wants to spoil a girl this Valentine’s Day

Once supper is ready, you can set out the TV trays. The good TV trays. The Winsome 5 Piece Set from Hayneedle.com. This is a special night after all. This is our night. And our night is all about you, buttercup.

After supper you can clean the kitchen and get after those dirty dishes. What did you say baby? You’re worried about your hands chaffing from all that dirty dish water?

Don’t worry, Ladybug. Jax has you covered. Slip on a pair of the Playtex Living Premium Protection Cleaning Gloves I picked up for you. It will be like you’re washing the dishes with clouds on your hands.

This night is all about you. You are my girl tonight. Maybe not last night and probably not tomorrow night. But tonight, you’re mine. And I’m going to spoil the hell out of you.

Baby, I’ve been so good to you. But Jax needs a little favor. Could you bring me two more Keystone beers for me and my brother Randy? We’re just sitting here on the couch, watching Ice Road Truckers and drinking some Keystone. But I’m here for YOU. I just don’t want to get up right now because I just ate dinner and the show is getting really good.

I’m sorry for not telling you Randy was coming over. It was kind of a last-minute thing. But he’s been feeling down because both his dogs have worms and he’s been spending a shit-ton of cash on worm medicine. But he really enjoyed the dinner you made. He said you were a “good” cook.

Hey girl. Looks like you’re done with those dishes. You’re so sexy when you look exhausted. But now it’s my turn to spoil you.

Let’s escape to my bedroom during the next commercial break. And don’t worry. I told Randy to turn up the volume on the TV real loud. He won’t be able to hear a thing. Now, turn around.

Oh baby. That was so much fun. And we didn’t even miss any of the show.

It’s getting late though. Remember I told you I have that thing tomorrow morning? I have to be up real early. I think Randy and I are just going to finish up this Ice Road Trucker marathon and then hit the sack.

But don’t you worry. Jax didn’t forget about you. You know that box of original-flavor Slim Jim meat sticks on the counter in the kitchen? I want you to grab a handful on your way out. Take as many as you like. I mean, don’t take the whole box. But, a half dozen or so would be cool. I buy them in bulk.

I like you girl. I’m so happy you chose to spend your Valentine’s Day with Jax Owen. I enjoyed doing romance on you. And I enjoyed the love making too. Happy Valentine’s Day girl.

 

 

 

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: I’m fascinated by business card technology. Is it feasible to think that in a hundred years, business cards could be slightly larger? 

A: I don’t know. It’s possible.


Q: Will humans still be placing cucumbers on the floor to freak out their cats in the future?

A: As long as farming continues to be a viable industry and cats continue to be domesticated, there is no reason to think this trend will stop anytime in the future.


Q: I’ve always wondered why we didn’t just make years longer and that way, we can live for longer. Like, if a years was 50 months, think how much more time you’d live if you lived to 80 years old? That’s like four times more living. Do you think something like that is possible in the future?

A: Maybe.

When Should You Seek Treatment After Being Impaled?

By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy

Recently, a local man was impaled by a shovel and refused to seek immediate medical attention. After speaking at length with him and with many others in the days following the ordeal, I’ve come to realize that most people don’t realize how serious impalement injuries can be.

From my own unscientific poll of neighbors and friends, I found that most would not consider being impaled a “serious injury.” As a medical professional, this was a startling revelation.

Sure, some impaling injuries are less serious than others. And sure, sometimes you get impaled and can probably just brush it off, pull it out and move on with your day. But, many times that is not the case and you should seek immediate medical attention.

As a service to the community, I’ve put together an impaling “cheat sheet” to help identify the degrees of impalement injuries and determine when you should go to a doctor.

Impalement guide

ABOVE: Dr. Jimmy’s guide to impaling injuries is designed to take the guess work out of determining when to seek medical attention

Of course, this chart is not comprehensive. It would be impossible to include every item you could potentially be impaled with. It does represent what I believe are likely the most common objects one could be impaled with, along with representative object (wicker chair, for example, could apply to any type of furniture).

So how do you use this guide? It’s pretty simple. First, let’s say you’ve been impaled by something. You’ll want to identify the object and then refer to the guide above. If you can’t find the exact object, try to find the object that is most similar to the one that is buried deep in your flesh. Next, using the color scale, determine whether “it’s cool” or whether you should “seek immediate attention.”

Should you find yourself somewhere in the middle, my advice is to do a quick Google search and go from there.

I am hopeful that this tool can help you and our community be better prepared for impalement injuries. Be safe and be diligent! When in doubt refer to this simple-to-use chart. Godspeed.

 

 

Turns Out Pancakes and Flapjacks Are the Same Thing

By Stan Bargmeyer. Coma News Intern

Did you know that pancakes and flapjacks are the same thing? Well, they are. They are both made of the same ingredients and look exactly the same. I didn’t know that until recently.

It’s funny how you go a whole lifetime without knowing stuff that you thought you knew. I always thought flapjacks were made from cured meats of some kind. But they are just like pancakes. No cured meats or anything.

I remember last year when I discovered national recording artist Paul McCartney was the same Paul McCartney who was in the band The Beatles. That really blew my mind. I just thought it was ironic that there were two very popular recording artists with the same name. But they are, in fact, the same person. If you don’t believe me, you can look it up. I didn’t believe it either but it is true.

When I was in my thirties, I kind of figured I knew everything I would ever know. I thought that was kind of the end of learning new things. But that hasn’t been true at all. Now it seems like I’m learning new stuff at least once or twice a year. Sometime more!

Just a few weeks ago I learned that the phrase “barking up the wrong tree” means making a mistake or a false assumption. For years I thought the phrase was “backing up the raunchy” and was some perverted sexual reference having to do with a woman’s back side. I was both thrilled that I learned something new and embarrassed that I didn’t already know it. But people say it so fast and everyone assumes you know what they are saying or what it means.

Nowadays it seems like there is more stuff to know and to learn. When I was younger, things didn’t move so fast. It was less confusing. But now they have so many things to keep track of. There are hundreds of television shows on television. There are a bunch of computer things to know about. There are sayings and phrases. There are lots of different kinds of music. Seems impossible to learn it all.

It can be intimidating. And make you feel foolish. Like thinking “LOL” means “Look Out Licorice”. Or thinking an emoji is a brand of Japanese beer. Or trying to send an Instagram from your local post office.

Everything just keeps on happening. I don’t think I’ll ever know it all. But maybe I’m not supposed to.

Is Dove Soap Made With Real Pieces of Dove Meat?

By Stan Bargmeyer

This Christmas marks 12 years since my wife Lucille passed away.  Lucille was my wife of 35 years and then she just died.

I still remember our last night together.  I was wrapping a bar of Dove soap for one of my friends and I asked Lucille if Dove soap was made with real pieces of Dove meat?  I mean, why else would they call it Dove Soap? I assumed that doves were used somewhere in the process of making their soap.

Lucille told me that there was no dove meat in Dove soap. I remember feeling both relief and disappointment.  Lucille just laughed.

She always knew stuff that I didn’t know.

Like she knew that you should not hang candles on a Christmas tree.  And she knew that my recipe for meat juice could use more water and a lot less actual meat juice.  She knew that our mailman was NOT Walter Cronkite.  And she knew that what I thought were wild apes and monkeys living in the woods behind our house were only raccoons and a couple possums.

That was Lucille.  She was so much smarter than me.

Lucille baked cookies at Christmas.  And she sang Christmas songs.  All day and into the night.  Songs about silence during the nighttime and songs about a child drumming prodigy. I don’t know many words to Christmas songs so I don’t sing them.  I do know the words to “Born on the Bayou” by Credence Clearwater Revival.  So, sometimes I sing that song at Christmastime.

Sometimes it feels like when Lucille died, our house kind of died too.  Nowadays, I hear a lot of silence.  Stillness.  Like everything just stopped trying.  I didn’t think you could hear silence and stillness.  But you can.

Before she died, Lucille told me that I would never be alone. That she would still be here with me.  It doesn’t feel that way.  I struggle to do most everything nowadays.  Things she would have been so much better at doing.

But at Christmas, I can feel her.  Like she’s just in the next room and if I just walked in there I will see her sitting on the couch, writing notes on Christmas cards.  Or humming a song.  So most days I stay in the kitchen.  I don’t want to wander in to the next room just to see she’s not there.  Plus, I sometimes get lost if I wander too far from the kitchen.

This Christmas, I’m making homemade soap.  And I’m using real dove meat.  Actually, I couldn’t find any doves.  So, I’m using some frozen chicken nuggets.  I’m going to wrap the bars of homemade dove soap and give them as gifts.  Lucille would like that I’m making an effort to be friendly.  She would like that I’m trying to do nice things for other people.

All I ever wanted to do is nice things for her.

So, Merry Christmas.  And I apologize for the texture of the homemade gift soap.  It is a bit gamey.