Category: Opinion

The Internet and Your Safety

dr jimmy 2

Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, sprawled out on a fallen tree during a photo shoot last fall for his “The Many Ways Death Can Kill” project

By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy

Since going on line on the computer world nearly three months ago, a lot of citizens have been asking me if it’s safe to be using computers to read news and information and to do other things.  I wanted to take a moment to reassure the citizens of Coma that for the most part, the internet and computers are relatively safe.

Furthermore, it is highly unlikely that a computer or an internet can be used as a violent weapon.  While it is physically possible for someone to wield a personal computer hard drive or a monitor to inflict pain and suffering on another human being, it is no different than a television in that regard.

Therefore, I am rating the internet and/or computer as a six on Dr. Jimmy’s “Object as a Practical Tool of Violence” Meter.  This is slightly higher than a microwave oven and a little less than a manhole cover or denim pants.  For reference sake, an abbreviated version of the meter is included below.

 

Dr. Jimmy’s Object As A Practical Tool of Violence Meter

10-           Hand grenades, firearms, swords, Katana Samurai swords, cannons, heavy artillery

9-              Broken glass, fireworks, Legos, battery acid, baseball bats (wood)

8-              Bag of batteries, cantaloupe,  saw, hammer, toothbrush whittled to a fine point

7-               BB gun, peanut brittle, baseball bats (aluminum), manhole cover, water (frozen)

6-              Monopoly game pieces, tire iron, internet, scissors, raw spaghetti noodles

5-              Stick, microwave oven, pretzels, rolled up magazine, toaster oven

4-              Traditional Baatwon “Rabies” Stick, keys, lobster claw, 2.5 lb. dumbbell

3-              Captain CrunStickch Cereal, hard boiled eggs, elastic bands,  gloves/mittens

2-              Photographs of horses, cassette tapes, grass clippings, yogurt

1-              Chewed banana, water (unfrozen), hair, letters of the alphabet

 

Titanic: Could that Shit Happen Here?

c store copy

by Steve Phillips

I saw a movie I was watching on TV and it blew my mind up all over the place.  It was about a big boat that blew up in the middle of the ocean and then sank and everybody in it died forever.  I thought to myself, “could that shit happen here in Coma?”

Well, let’s do the science of it.  First, Coma doesn’t have any nearby lakes or oceans.  So that’s good.  That means it’s unlikely that part could happen here.

Vape and Vinyl Ad Xmas

Steve Phillips is not only an opinion contributer to Coma New Daily, he’s also the spokesperson for Alan’s Vape & Vinyl. If elegance, smoking and music ever had a threesome and made a baby, Alan’s Vape & Vinyl would be that baby.

Next, what about the boat?  I have seen some boats around town but none of those boats were as big as the boat in the movie.  The boat in the movie was probably one of the biggest boats ever made.  So that’s good too.  That means we’re probably not going to wake up one day and find ourselves on a really big boat and be like “oh shit, we’re going to sink to the bottom of the land.”

Based on those two things, I’m going to say it is not likely at all that we are going to face the same stuff the people on the boat in the movie Titanics faced.  So no, I don’t think that shit could happen here.  We’re lucky.

 

Hey Girl, Jax Owen Knows How You Want To Be Made Love to this Valentine’s Day

By Coma Resident and Business Owner, Jax Owen

It’s Valentine’s Day again. You should spend it with me, Jax Owen. Yes, THAT Jax Owen. I own and operate the used car lot in town.

We could have fun hanging out at my place. You could bring over some groceries and make me supper. What’s that baby? You’ve been on your feet all day? No worries, I have some Therafit Women’s Slip-On casual shoes (size 7) for you to wear. It’ll be like walking on clouds while you work in the kitchen.

You’re welcome baby. I’m here for you. I will literally be in the next room watching season two of Ice Road Truckers the entire time.

jax 2

ABOVE: Jax Owen wants to spoil a girl this Valentine’s Day

Once supper is ready, you can set out the TV trays. The good TV trays. The Winsome 5 Piece Set from Hayneedle.com. This is a special night after all. This is our night. And our night is all about you, buttercup.

After supper you can clean the kitchen and get after those dirty dishes. What did you say baby? You’re worried about your hands chaffing from all that dirty dish water?

Don’t worry, Ladybug. Jax has you covered. Slip on a pair of the Playtex Living Premium Protection Cleaning Gloves I picked up for you. It will be like you’re washing the dishes with clouds on your hands.

This night is all about you. You are my girl tonight. Maybe not last night and probably not tomorrow night. But tonight, you’re mine. And I’m going to spoil the hell out of you.

Baby, I’ve been so good to you. But Jax needs a little favor. Could you bring me two more Keystone beers for me and my brother Randy? We’re just sitting here on the couch, watching Ice Road Truckers and drinking some Keystone. But I’m here for YOU. I just don’t want to get up right now because I just ate dinner and the show is getting really good.

I’m sorry for not telling you Randy was coming over. It was kind of a last-minute thing. But he’s been feeling down because both his dogs have worms and he’s been spending a shit-ton of cash on worm medicine. But he really enjoyed the dinner you made. He said you were a “good” cook.

Hey girl. Looks like you’re done with those dishes. You’re so sexy when you look exhausted. But now it’s my turn to spoil you.

Let’s escape to my bedroom during the next commercial break. And don’t worry. I told Randy to turn up the volume on the TV real loud. He won’t be able to hear a thing. Now, turn around.

Oh baby. That was so much fun. And we didn’t even miss any of the show.

It’s getting late though. Remember I told you I have that thing tomorrow morning? I have to be up real early. I think Randy and I are just going to finish up this Ice Road Trucker marathon and then hit the sack.

But don’t you worry. Jax didn’t forget about you. You know that box of original-flavor Slim Jim meat sticks on the counter in the kitchen? I want you to grab a handful on your way out. Take as many as you like. I mean, don’t take the whole box. But, a half dozen or so would be cool. I buy them in bulk.

I like you girl. I’m so happy you chose to spend your Valentine’s Day with Jax Owen. I enjoyed doing romance on you. And I enjoyed the love making too. Happy Valentine’s Day girl.

 

 

 

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: I’m fascinated by business card technology. Is it feasible to think that in a hundred years, business cards could be slightly larger? 

A: I don’t know. It’s possible.


Q: Will humans still be placing cucumbers on the floor to freak out their cats in the future?

A: As long as farming continues to be a viable industry and cats continue to be domesticated, there is no reason to think this trend will stop anytime in the future.


Q: I’ve always wondered why we didn’t just make years longer and that way, we can live for longer. Like, if a years was 50 months, think how much more time you’d live if you lived to 80 years old? That’s like four times more living. Do you think something like that is possible in the future?

A: Maybe.

When Should You Seek Treatment After Being Impaled?

By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy

Recently, a local man was impaled by a shovel and refused to seek immediate medical attention. After speaking at length with him and with many others in the days following the ordeal, I’ve come to realize that most people don’t realize how serious impalement injuries can be.

From my own unscientific poll of neighbors and friends, I found that most would not consider being impaled a “serious injury.” As a medical professional, this was a startling revelation.

Sure, some impaling injuries are less serious than others. And sure, sometimes you get impaled and can probably just brush it off, pull it out and move on with your day. But, many times that is not the case and you should seek immediate medical attention.

As a service to the community, I’ve put together an impaling “cheat sheet” to help identify the degrees of impalement injuries and determine when you should go to a doctor.

Impalement guide

ABOVE: Dr. Jimmy’s guide to impaling injuries is designed to take the guess work out of determining when to seek medical attention

Of course, this chart is not comprehensive. It would be impossible to include every item you could potentially be impaled with. It does represent what I believe are likely the most common objects one could be impaled with, along with representative object (wicker chair, for example, could apply to any type of furniture).

So how do you use this guide? It’s pretty simple. First, let’s say you’ve been impaled by something. You’ll want to identify the object and then refer to the guide above. If you can’t find the exact object, try to find the object that is most similar to the one that is buried deep in your flesh. Next, using the color scale, determine whether “it’s cool” or whether you should “seek immediate attention.”

Should you find yourself somewhere in the middle, my advice is to do a quick Google search and go from there.

I am hopeful that this tool can help you and our community be better prepared for impalement injuries. Be safe and be diligent! When in doubt refer to this simple-to-use chart. Godspeed.

 

 

Turns Out Pancakes and Flapjacks Are the Same Thing

By Stan Bargmeyer. Coma News Intern

Did you know that pancakes and flapjacks are the same thing? Well, they are. They are both made of the same ingredients and look exactly the same. I didn’t know that until recently.

It’s funny how you go a whole lifetime without knowing stuff that you thought you knew. I always thought flapjacks were made from cured meats of some kind. But they are just like pancakes. No cured meats or anything.

I remember last year when I discovered national recording artist Paul McCartney was the same Paul McCartney who was in the band The Beatles. That really blew my mind. I just thought it was ironic that there were two very popular recording artists with the same name. But they are, in fact, the same person. If you don’t believe me, you can look it up. I didn’t believe it either but it is true.

When I was in my thirties, I kind of figured I knew everything I would ever know. I thought that was kind of the end of learning new things. But that hasn’t been true at all. Now it seems like I’m learning new stuff at least once or twice a year. Sometime more!

Just a few weeks ago I learned that the phrase “barking up the wrong tree” means making a mistake or a false assumption. For years I thought the phrase was “backing up the raunchy” and was some perverted sexual reference having to do with a woman’s back side. I was both thrilled that I learned something new and embarrassed that I didn’t already know it. But people say it so fast and everyone assumes you know what they are saying or what it means.

Nowadays it seems like there is more stuff to know and to learn. When I was younger, things didn’t move so fast. It was less confusing. But now they have so many things to keep track of. There are hundreds of television shows on television. There are a bunch of computer things to know about. There are sayings and phrases. There are lots of different kinds of music. Seems impossible to learn it all.

It can be intimidating. And make you feel foolish. Like thinking “LOL” means “Look Out Licorice”. Or thinking an emoji is a brand of Japanese beer. Or trying to send an Instagram from your local post office.

Everything just keeps on happening. I don’t think I’ll ever know it all. But maybe I’m not supposed to.

Is Dove Soap Made With Real Pieces of Dove Meat?

By Stan Bargmeyer

This Christmas marks 12 years since my wife Lucille passed away.  Lucille was my wife of 35 years and then she just died.

I still remember our last night together.  I was wrapping a bar of Dove soap for one of my friends and I asked Lucille if Dove soap was made with real pieces of Dove meat?  I mean, why else would they call it Dove Soap? I assumed that doves were used somewhere in the process of making their soap.

Lucille told me that there was no dove meat in Dove soap. I remember feeling both relief and disappointment.  Lucille just laughed.

She always knew stuff that I didn’t know.

Like she knew that you should not hang candles on a Christmas tree.  And she knew that my recipe for meat juice could use more water and a lot less actual meat juice.  She knew that our mailman was NOT Walter Cronkite.  And she knew that what I thought were wild apes and monkeys living in the woods behind our house were only raccoons and a couple possums.

That was Lucille.  She was so much smarter than me.

Lucille baked cookies at Christmas.  And she sang Christmas songs.  All day and into the night.  Songs about silence during the nighttime and songs about a child drumming prodigy. I don’t know many words to Christmas songs so I don’t sing them.  I do know the words to “Born on the Bayou” by Credence Clearwater Revival.  So, sometimes I sing that song at Christmastime.

Sometimes it feels like when Lucille died, our house kind of died too.  Nowadays, I hear a lot of silence.  Stillness.  Like everything just stopped trying.  I didn’t think you could hear silence and stillness.  But you can.

Before she died, Lucille told me that I would never be alone. That she would still be here with me.  It doesn’t feel that way.  I struggle to do most everything nowadays.  Things she would have been so much better at doing.

But at Christmas, I can feel her.  Like she’s just in the next room and if I just walked in there I will see her sitting on the couch, writing notes on Christmas cards.  Or humming a song.  So most days I stay in the kitchen.  I don’t want to wander in to the next room just to see she’s not there.  Plus, I sometimes get lost if I wander too far from the kitchen.

This Christmas, I’m making homemade soap.  And I’m using real dove meat.  Actually, I couldn’t find any doves.  So, I’m using some frozen chicken nuggets.  I’m going to wrap the bars of homemade dove soap and give them as gifts.  Lucille would like that I’m making an effort to be friendly.  She would like that I’m trying to do nice things for other people.

All I ever wanted to do is nice things for her.

So, Merry Christmas.  And I apologize for the texture of the homemade gift soap.  It is a bit gamey.

Opinion: I’m Going To A Costume Party But Don’t Know What To Wear

I couldn’t believe that I was invited to a Halloween costume party this year but I was! I’ve never been to a Halloween costume party.  I am a little nervous about going.  What do people do there?  What sort of customs or traditions are practiced?  Will they sacrifice an animal or something?
But most of all, I am nervous about my costume.  I’ve not had to come up with a costume since I was a young child and went trick-or-treating as “pale, skittish young boy with shovel”.
I really want to do good on my costume.  I want people to look at me and think “wow, it’s like I’ve been transported to another age and time because this person’s costume is so good and impressive.”
I have come up with so many great costume ideas but I can’t decide on which one I should use.  One thing about me most people probably don’t realize is that I can be very, very creative when it comes to costumes.  There have been many Halloweens where I’ve sat on my living room folding chair just thinking about what costume I would wear if I had the chance to wear one.
It is such an important decision.
So far, I’ve come up with the following ideas:
Guy eating cereal (I do own a cereal bowl and a spoon.  Just need some cereal and milk)
Guy talking on his phone.
Guy waiting for the elevator.
Man trying to pay for a parking meter but doesn’t have correct change
Guy who feels like there is a loose thread on his shirt but can’t find it and it keeps bothering him because if it’s not a loose thread on his shirt it might be a spider
Guy who wants a close circle of friends but is scared of rejection and judgment
Man who parked in a disable parking space and feels guilty about it.
sexykenbone

You can be a Ken Bone meme or you can be a cuter version of it with less of a sweater with this costume.

Guy who once met national recording artist Michael Bolton at an Arby’s in Topeka, Kansas but doesn’t like bragging about it to strangers.
This woman really ate this Arby's burger at the Arby's in Topeka kansas. This is not a costume.

This woman really ate this Arby’s burger at the Arby’s in Topeka kansas. This is not a costume.

Guy who enjoys watching The Weather Channel from time-to-time.  But, not like, every single day because that would get a little boring.
Man who believes the moon landings were, in fact, faked by the United States government in an effort to bankrupt the Soviet Union at the height of the Cold War.
twizzlers

Twizzlers did not exist during the fake Cold War.

See?  So many ideas.  And I have a lot more than just those.  I just can’t decide which one to use.  I am leaning toward “Guy waiting for the elevator” because I think that is the easiest one for me to do for a long period of time.  I once had to wait for an elevator and it was a really long wait!  It’s not fun but I think I could maintain it throughout the party without breaking character.
I want people to believe in my costume.  I want them to walk away thinking “that guy is going to be waiting for that elevator for a very long time. That elevator is likely never coming.”
I guess that’s what I’ll do.  Or maybe I’ll go as “pale, skittish old man with shovel.” At least I know that one.
Happy Halloween.