A soft, soggy blanket of sleet covers the ground. It’s 33 degrees, overcast, and nearly half of the town’s overhead Christmas lights are working. This is Coma News.
It’s 78 degrees in Coma today but by tonight it will be 42 and as frisky as a first time politician. This is Coma New Daily.
The Complete internet podcast news source portal for the Town of Coma.
Marybell Davis is broadcasting once again from Bear’s Biker Bar, where she’s drinking a beer after a month-long diet of only liquid kale. We all know that kale tastes great when it’s a liquid and ALSO when it is the sponsor of Coma News Daily.
As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!
Hosted this week by Coma’s own creative and director who gave us ‘Our Town’ and ‘Cats’ Shane Darvish and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis. With updates from the Future Reporter, T.S. John and political questions by the town’s own wizened and alzheimered Stan Bargmeyer.
As part of our continuing effort to be the local news team that is more on your side than any other local news team (if we had one) Coma News Daily spent some time with some very special kids: members of the Social Media Early Learning and Literacy Experience program or SMELLE. This breakthrough kids literacy program teaches youngsters how to read by following cultural developments by reading their favorite tweets.
This week children in the SMELLE program read and discuss a seminal tweet by Damien Fahey (hard to pronounce) @
We don’t have an Instagram. Mail us a letter!
By Coma News Daily Staff
After buying up all of the farms in Coma last year, Coma News Daily publisher, Davis Montgomery III realized yet another dream last weekend.
“Not only does this provide very important Weekend jobs for Coma News and cash making opprotunities for reporters to supplement their pay of food stamps and coupons,” said Montgomery. “It also provides city dwellers with guilt assuaging ways to be in the country without the smallest chance of ever stepping in animal poop.”
The event kend brought swarms of urban yuppies to the country for wine, craft beer, and inoffensive banjo music played by hipsters–nothing like the film Deliverence.
“The only problem I see,” said Janice Gasbag, a corporate attorney who lives in the city and has listened to Tom Petty twice. “Is the weather. It’s just never going to be as comfortable as my loft apartment in the trendiest part of town. Also, I can’t get good internet service.”
Montgomery has solved that problem by enabling city folks to “rent a farmer” who will not only fan you but will also lay on the ground and let you step on him in order to avoid feces.
Not all Coma citizens are happy with the city people coming to town.
The farm is open from 9 to 5 with $40 undercooked pizzas for anyone who is drunk and needs food. Or you can bring your own over-priced Whole Foods stuff. No outside alcohol allowe
By Coma News Staff
A Campaign to prevent closure of the Grape Hut was stomped out this week after the owner announced the restaurant’s closure.
Grape Hut, Coma’s only drive-thru fast food grape restaurant, will close its doors for good at the end of the month, said Micah Horncraft, the restaurant’s owner.
Horncraft cited dwindling sales, a sluggish economy and “grape fatigue,” as the likely causes behind the failure of the business, which opened opened seven months ago.
“It says a lot about our current economic situation when a restaurant specializing in grapes can’t stay in busines of the s for even a year,” Horncraft said.
Leaders of a campaign to keep the grape purveyor operational included Jax Owen, owner of Big O Moonshine & Wine, who bought the unsold daily surplus from the restaurant to create his award-winning local wine.
“This is probably it for Hot Rod Merlot,” Owen said. “You can’t steal grapes this cheap.”
Another supporter of the fruit purveyor, Chase Donovan , said the restaurant’s loss will leave a void that is hard to fill.
“Ever since Eggs-To-Go burned down last year, the grape store has been our fall back car-pelting ammunition store,” said Donovan, a Coma News Daily intern. “You haven’t seen pissed off until you nail a dude in a convertable with a fistful of grapes.”
Horncraft said the business will close its doors for good next Sunday. While disappointed, Horncraft said he’s already thinking about his next business venture.
“I love buffet-style restaurants but I never have time to go to one,” he said. “I want to make the world’s first drive-thru all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant.”
Film star Reese Foster, whose motion pictures include The Dark Knight, Flags of Our Fathers and Stranger Than Fiction, was recently spotted in Coma by several eyewitnesses.
According to several Coma residents who were able to spend a few minutes in Foster’s company, including snapping a few photos with the actor, Foster was “just passing through town and looking for a place to get gas and some microwavable frozen burritos.”
“It was crazy!” Micah Horncraft, who got the actors autograph along with a photo, said. “That guy is in some of my favorite movies and he was here in our town! Right here on this spot,” Horncraft added while pointing to the ground in front of him.
Foster has uncredited roles in a number of television shows and major motion pictures. His most recent role was that of an Accuretta Worker in “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.” Before that, he played such roles as Party Guest in The Dark Knight and Prison Visitor in the TV series “Prison Break.”
“This is one of the coolest things that’s ever happened here,” a still-excited Horncraft said. “That photo is going on my Facebook page for sure. It’s not every day you meet a Hollywood celebrity.”
According to witnesses, Foster fueled up his 2006 Kia Sorrento, purchased two frozen burritos, a bag of Funyuns and two 16 oz. Mr. Pibb’s before getting in his car and leaving town.
Remember when Coma politicians wanted to ‘Save the World‘ one outdoor-summer-small-town venue at a time?
The band “Save the World,” which is comprised of Coma baby boomer politicians has lowered their sights a bit during this year’s summer tour.
“We realized ‘the world’ is very large. We are just three amazing musicians and that chick tambourine player, so literally saving the world is a lot to ask,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson.
Anderson not only plays lead guitar for the band but also leads a town government known for pioneering new tax schemes, like a sidewalk use tax and a buzzard-landed-on your-property tax.
“What we know we can save is the bar scene in Coma,” Anderson said. “Right now, there’s way too much jazz and Sadie Cracker playing some weird accoustic crap because she’s the only attractive woman in town. We realized that once again what’s needed is more overplayed 60s music–and John Lennon references, lots of Lennon references.”
This summer ‘Save the World’ will play every bar, restaurant and food truck gathering in Coma–and possibly some grocery stores.
“I never realized about it before,” said Bob Smith-Smith, former Town Council member and the band’s drummer. “But what the world really needs is some shredding between their lettuce heads. And do mean the guitar kind of shedding and not the food processor kind. Also, my current wife, who is almost 30 years younger than me and super hot, will really love to hear me play guitar while she’s purchasing some salad ingredients.”
Some people who don’t feel the same, including the newest member of Save the World, Jax Owen.
“We’re just better at larger venues, where I’m also more likely to find some lonely married women who need someone to love them for just 3 to 4 minutes,” Owen said.
The main goal of the band this year remains the same: To spread the wisdom and integrity of the baby boomer generation to “all of those Gen Xers who are pretty much idiots about life,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters, who plays the “very important” tambourine.
So check out Save the World this summer, as it saves bars and produce aisles all over Coma. Details on play dates and locations can be found on the town government.