Category: News

Supporters Crushed by Grape Hut Closure

grape hut exterior

By Coma News Staff

A Campaign to prevent closure of the Grape Hut was stomped out this week after the owner announced the restaurant’s closure.

Grape Hut, Coma’s only drive-thru fast food grape restaurant, will close its doors for good at the end of the month, said Micah Horncraft, the restaurant’s owner.

Horncraft cited dwindling sales, a sluggish economy and “grape fatigue,” as the likely causes behind the failure of the business, which opened opened seven months ago.

“It says a lot about our current economic situation when a restaurant specializing in grapes can’t stay in busines of the s for even a year,” Horncraft said.

Leaders of a campaign to keep the grape purveyor operational included Jax Owen, owner of Big O Moonshine & Wine, who bought the unsold daily surplus from the restaurant to create his award-winning local wine.

“This is probably it for Hot Rod Merlot,” Owen said. “You can’t steal grapes this cheap.”

grape hut drive thru

Above: Grape Hut business thrived early on with nearly seven customers per day. Sales have since declined sharply

Another supporter of the fruit purveyor, Chase Donovan , said the restaurant’s loss will leave a void that is hard to fill.

“Ever since Eggs-To-Go burned down last year, the grape store has been our fall back car-pelting ammunition store,” said Donovan, a Coma News Daily intern. “You haven’t seen pissed off until you nail a dude in a convertable with a fistful of grapes.”

Horncraft said the business will close its doors for good next Sunday.  While disappointed, Horncraft said he’s already thinking about his next business venture.

“I love buffet-style restaurants but I never have time to go to one,” he said.  “I want to make the world’s first drive-thru all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant.”

 

 

Local Man-Boy Offers Basement Survival Skills Training

Chase Donovan has always been a survivor. And now he hopes to help others in our community survive the dangers of their parent’s basements.
“If I can keep just one young adult from endangering their lives while trying to survive the unforgiving environment of a basement, this will all be worth it,” Donovan said.
A lifelong resident of Coma, 20-year-old Donovan recently launched his expert guide service Alone in the Basement based on the popular survival series Alone.
Living in a parents basement is not a new phenomenon but harnessing the power of that life without the irritating preoccupations of having to care for yourself is the future.

Living in a parents basement is not a new phenomenon but harnessing the power of that life without the irritating preoccupations of having to care for yourself is the future.

“Its just you down there–unless you train your parents to bring you down snack–so you’ve got to know how to deal with some of the challenges that will arise,” Donovan said.
Common basement survival challenges include burned light bulbs, a bug, and batteries in remotes and game controllers running out. Basement survivalists also need to ensure they don’t run short of critical supplies, like Totinos bites, slippers, and toilet paper.
His inspiration and survival philosophy are based on the expert insights of famed explorer and survivalist Christopher McCandless, who died of starvation in the Alaskan wilderness at 24.
Donovan’s father said he’s also available by text or Snapchat 24 hours a day to provide help on any issues Donovan can’t address for clients, such as the likely locations of light switches.
Marybell Davis, Donovan’s first client, already credited his expert instruction with “saving my life.”
“I couldn’t find my new $300 iPhone ear buds anywhere,” Davis said. “And Shane was like ‘Have you tried looking under the wraparound leather sofa in the sitting area of your basement experience?’ OMG, life saver.”
Donovan hopes to eventually expand his experr survival guidance to young adults living in their parents’ finished garages, guest rooms and pool houses.
“Like I always tell my client, each environment carries it’s own unique risks so adapt to it survive there, don’t expect it will always adapt to you,” Donovan said.

Reduce, Reuse & Recycle Your Meds/Pets/Horses

Did you know that an average medicine cabinets holds enough unused prescriptions to keep a family of four medicated for a month?
Those were among the amazing recycling insights Coma families learned during the town’s third annual GreenFest.
go green
Among the efforts the town promoted to help residents go green was the Community Drug Sweep, in which residents dumped unused medications in a giant bag from which other residents could grab handfuls of drugs.
“Greenfest is a great way to connect with my fellow residents in an ecologically responsible way,” said Stoner Steve as he grabbed handfuls of recycled medications from the “sustainability bag.”
Vape and Vinyl Ad Xmas
Local pharmacists were available to advise residents on which medications were best to take when preparing scrumptious and sustainable pet meals.
Greenest activities also included:
Short documentary film on ways to eat short documentary films
Live music from Save the World, which is the mayor’s Boomer-obsessed cover band.
The Band (or Coma Town Council), pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music to help the younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are. Bob Smith-Smith was 'talkin about his generation' in song regardless of whether or not people wanted to listen.

The Band (or Coma Town Council), pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music to help the younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are. Bob Smith-Smith was ‘talkin about his generation’ in song regardless of whether or not people wanted to listen.

Motion Picture Actor Reese Foster Spotted in Coma

 

By Coma News Daily Staff

 

Film star Reese Foster, whose motion pictures include The Dark Knight, Flags of Our Fathers and Stranger Than Fiction, was recently spotted in Coma by several eyewitnesses.

According to several Coma residents who were able to spend a few minutes in Foster’s company, including snapping a few photos with the actor, Foster was “just passing through town and looking for a place to get gas and some microwavable frozen burritos.”

“It was crazy!” Micah Horncraft, who got the actors autograph along with a photo, said. “That guy is in some of my favorite movies and he was here in our town! Right here on this spot,” Horncraft added while pointing to the ground in front of him.

ABOVE: Foster (circled) was featured in an uncredited role in The Dark Knight as a party guest

ABOVE: Foster (circled) was featured in an uncredited role in The Dark Knight as a party guest

Foster has uncredited roles in a number of television shows and major motion pictures. His most recent role was that of an Accuretta Worker in “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.” Before that, he played such roles as Party Guest in The Dark Knight and Prison Visitor in the TV series “Prison Break.”

“This is one of the coolest things that’s ever happened here,” a still-excited Horncraft said. “That photo is going on my Facebook page for sure.  It’s not every day you meet a Hollywood celebrity.”

According to witnesses, Foster fueled up his 2006 Kia Sorrento, purchased two frozen burritos, a bag of Funyuns and two 16 oz. Mr. Pibb’s before getting in his car and leaving town.

ABOVE: Horncraft poses with the celebrity at a local gas station

ABOVE: Horncraft poses with the celebrity at a local gas station

‘Save the World’ Saves the Bar Scene

By Coma News Daily Staff

Remember when Coma politicians wanted to ‘Save the World‘ one outdoor-summer-small-town venue at a time?

The band “Save the World,” which is comprised of Coma baby boomer politicians has lowered their sights a bit during this year’s summer tour.

“We realized ‘the world’ is very large. We are just three amazing musicians and that chick tambourine player, so literally saving the world is a lot to ask,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson.

Mayor Dave Anderson sings a song about fighting the man and then confuses himself since he's the man.

Mayor Dave Anderson sings a song about fighting the man and then confuses himself since he’s the man.

Anderson not only plays lead guitar for the band but also leads a town government known for pioneering new tax schemes, like a sidewalk use tax and a buzzard-landed-on your-property tax.

“What we know we can save is the bar scene in Coma,” Anderson said. “Right now, there’s way too much jazz and Sadie Cracker playing some weird accoustic crap because she’s the only attractive woman in town. We realized that once again what’s needed is more overplayed 60s music–and John Lennon references, lots of Lennon references.”

Before they transformed to punk 'Save the World' was reliving the amazing songs of the 60's in a cow field.

Before they transformed to punk ‘Save the World’ was reliving the amazing songs of the 60’s in a cow field.

This summer ‘Save the World’ will play every bar, restaurant and food truck gathering in Coma–and possibly some grocery stores.

“I never realized about it before,” said  Bob Smith-Smith, former Town Council member and the band’s drummer. “But what the world really needs is some shredding between their lettuce heads. And do mean the guitar kind of shedding and not the food processor kind. Also, my current wife, who is almost 30 years younger than me and super hot, will really love to hear me play guitar while she’s purchasing some salad ingredients.”

Some people who don’t feel the same, including the newest member of Save the World, Jax Owen.

“We’re just better at larger venues, where I’m also more likely to find some lonely married women who need someone to love them for just 3 to 4 minutes,” Owen said.

The main goal of the band this year remains the same: To spread the wisdom and integrity of the baby boomer generation to “all of those Gen Xers who are pretty much idiots about life,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters, who plays the “very important” tambourine.

So check out Save the World this summer, as it saves bars and produce aisles all over Coma. Details on play dates and locations can be found on the town government.

Study Sheds Light on People Named Dog Bone

dog bone study

By Coma News Staff

A study released by the Coma Institute for Research & Understanding Things (CIRUT) suggests that people with the name Dog Bone are seven percent more likely to own a gas-powered chainsaw and 162 percent more likely to sever a limb with a chainsaw than people who are not named Dog Bone.

“This study will undoubtedly give parents pause before they name a child Dog Bone,” said Dr. Jimmy, Coma town physician.

Dr. Jimmy conducted the study as part of a national grant he received to “study” important things related to Coma with researchers at CIRUT.

The study found that people named Dog Bone have a greater chance of having a tattoo on their neck or face and are more likely not to  “give a damn” about “stupid bullshit” like math, individual retirement accounts or proper dental hygiene.

The study was conducted over the course of 36-weeks and had one participant.  Researchers said they would have preferred to include more participants in the study but could only find one person in Coma named Dog Bone.

“It would have been nice to have more subjects,” Dr. Jimmy said.

The full report will be released later this month.

Dog Bone Higgens refused to comment saying he “doesn’t give a damn about stupid bullshit.” like a news article.

 

Town to Ban Best Part of Waking Up

By Thomas Steven John, Future Reporter

 

Its time to set your pitchforks to “roast,” Coma.

In a bold political move–eventually referred to as “one of the worst decisions ever”–Mayor Dave Anderson will spearhead next week a local ordinance banning caffeinated substances of any kind.

This reporter has learned about the town’s coming “cafe-maggedon” from a peyote-fueled fever dream eventually treated with coffee.

hipstertyping

The ban will spawn almost immediate opposition once everyone realized Mayor Anderson wasn’t joking. “We need to ban everything because people are clearly idiots and can’t make rational decisions.” Mayor Anderson will say.

The ban will be enacted as an unnoticed provision of an omnibus bill conferring a range of dog rights.

Days after the ban hospitals will be flooded with migraine victims as local stores institute cartel-level pricing on Tylenol and other over-the-counter painkillers.

The Society for People Who Write Stuff at Coffee Shops will be forced to disband about 20 minutes after the ban begins. It will take the town years to recover from the loss of the fearless vanguard of writers awaiting immanent acclaim for their blogs and comments section posts.

All union workers will vote unanimously to delay the start of workdays until noon or 2pm on Mondays. The town’s afternoon nap incentive program will finally receive the funding it has long deserved.

coffeehipster

Illegal chocolate covered coffee bean runners will spread through town “beaning” customers and baffling police, who will be powerless to care about their crime.

Several protests-turned-riots will demand the town’s lights be “turned down a bit and could everyone just shut up for once?”

The ban on caffeine will last for approximately 12 days until City Hall insiders discover Mayor Anderson’s secret cache of 80-pound bags of light roast Colombian hidden behind a false wall in his office.

Weight, Weight Do Tell Me

If a tree falls in the forest but no one posts online about it, did it really happen?
Coma residents’ latest–and best–answer to that age-old question came from Dee Collins.
On the heels of her Facebook posts that changed the mind of one voter (who did not vote) in the last election, Collins is now changing hearts and minds about their health–or at least their weight.
After posting 872 times about how she actually needed to lose weight but didn’t want to stop “drinking unlimited Jack and cokes” the unbelievable happened. She lost weight.
“It’s amazing what the stomach flu will do,” said Collins. “I couldn’t eat and I lost three pounds. Turns out the key to weight loss is not eating so much or drinking alcohol.”
weightloss
Collins went directly to Facebook to let everyone know that they too could lose weight if they have a really bad stomach flu.
“I’ve seen most of her posts. But I missed this one because I had unfollowed her after all the political rants and weightloss diatribes made me nuts,” said Sadie Cracker.
When told by Coma News staff that she’d been unfollowed for posting too much Collins said, “By who? I’m gonna find them and tie up their family or something. My Facebook posts are too important to be ignored.”
Coma News contacted local physician Dr. Jimmy for his thoughts on flu and weight loss to find out if it is an actual alternative to eating a healthy diet.
“Any time you stop eating and drinking so much you will lose weight,” said Dr. Jimmyintermittentfasting. “Unfortunately the flu doesn’t last forever, so Dee will gain all the weight back and then some once she starts drinking again.
While some town residents think of Collins’ Facebook posts as a trainwreck, Dr. Jimmy is excited.
“These posts are a font of new material for my latest submission to the DSM on a new disorder I call acute finger sniffing euphoria,” Dr Jimmy said. “Thank you Internet.”