Category: News

Podcast: Christmas in Coma

A soft, soggy blanket of sleet covers the ground. It’s 33 degrees, overcast, and nearly half of the town’s overhead Christmas lights are working. This is Coma News.

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Podcast: The Running of the Candidates

It’s 78 degrees in Coma today but by tonight it will be 42 and as frisky as a first time politician. This is Coma New Daily.

The Complete internet podcast news source portal for the Town of Coma.

Marybell Davis is broadcasting once again from Bear’s Biker Bar, where she’s drinking a beer after a month-long diet of only liquid kale. We all know that kale tastes great when it’s a liquid and ALSO when it is the sponsor of Coma News Daily.

As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!

Hosted this week by Coma’s own creative and director who gave us ‘Our Town’ and ‘Cats’ Shane Darvish and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis. With updates from the Future Reporter, T.S. John and political questions by the town’s own wizened and alzheimered Stan Bargmeyer.

As part of our continuing effort to be the local news team that is more on your side than any other local news team (if we had one) Coma News Daily spent some time with some very special kids: members of the Social Media Early Learning and Literacy Experience program or SMELLE. This breakthrough kids literacy program teaches youngsters how to read by following cultural developments by reading their favorite tweets.  

This week children in the SMELLE program read and discuss a seminal tweet by Damien Fahey (hard to pronounce) @DamienFahey

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City Money Farm Festival Sprouts

By Coma News Daily Staff

 

After buying up all of the farms in Coma last year, Coma News Daily publisher, Davis Montgomery III realized yet another dream last weekend.

Montgomery spearheaded the town’s newest festival, the City Money Farm Festival.
And the 10,000 attendees proved that there’s a vast weekend day drinking market for people who want to drive out to the country and experience the fresh manure filled organic air that only exists in our great Coma farms.
everythinghappensfora reason

“Not only does this provide very important Weekend jobs for Coma News and cash making opprotunities for reporters to supplement their pay of food stamps and coupons,” said Montgomery. “It also provides city dwellers with guilt assuaging ways to be in the country without the smallest chance of ever stepping in animal poop.”
Farm animals are banned from the farm festival.
When he wasn't editing Coma News, Don Johnson Michaels was doing free farm labor for Coma Publisher Davis Montgomery III.

When he wasn’t editing Coma News, Don Johnson Michaels was doing free farm labor for Coma Publisher Davis Montgomery III.


The event kend brought swarms of urban yuppies to the country for wine, craft beer, and inoffensive banjo music played by hipsters–nothing like the film Deliverence.

“The only problem I see,” said Janice Gasbag, a corporate attorney who lives in the city and has listened to Tom Petty twice. “Is the weather. It’s just never going to be as comfortable as my loft apartment in the trendiest part of town. Also, I can’t get good internet service.”

Montgomery has solved that problem by enabling city folks to “rent a farmer” who will not only fan you but will also lay on the ground and let you step on him in order to avoid feces.

Not all Coma citizens are happy with the city people coming to town.
“I live here to get away from all that crap. Isn’t it there enough we’ve already got to deal with  these anal knowitalls on Facebook?” said Owen.
Owen recently opened up a City Dweller Zombie run that charges a mere $100 per person to park your car among authentic  farm animals.
“We dressed the chickens and goats up as Zombies which has never been seen before,” Owen said.

The farm is open from 9 to 5 with $40 undercooked pizzas for anyone who is drunk and needs food. Or you can bring your own over-priced Whole Foods stuff. No outside alcohol allowe

 

Supporters Crushed by Grape Hut Closure

grape hut exterior

By Coma News Staff

A Campaign to prevent closure of the Grape Hut was stomped out this week after the owner announced the restaurant’s closure.

Grape Hut, Coma’s only drive-thru fast food grape restaurant, will close its doors for good at the end of the month, said Micah Horncraft, the restaurant’s owner.

Horncraft cited dwindling sales, a sluggish economy and “grape fatigue,” as the likely causes behind the failure of the business, which opened opened seven months ago.

“It says a lot about our current economic situation when a restaurant specializing in grapes can’t stay in busines of the s for even a year,” Horncraft said.

Leaders of a campaign to keep the grape purveyor operational included Jax Owen, owner of Big O Moonshine & Wine, who bought the unsold daily surplus from the restaurant to create his award-winning local wine.

“This is probably it for Hot Rod Merlot,” Owen said. “You can’t steal grapes this cheap.”

grape hut drive thru

Above: Grape Hut business thrived early on with nearly seven customers per day. Sales have since declined sharply

Another supporter of the fruit purveyor, Chase Donovan , said the restaurant’s loss will leave a void that is hard to fill.

“Ever since Eggs-To-Go burned down last year, the grape store has been our fall back car-pelting ammunition store,” said Donovan, a Coma News Daily intern. “You haven’t seen pissed off until you nail a dude in a convertable with a fistful of grapes.”

Horncraft said the business will close its doors for good next Sunday.  While disappointed, Horncraft said he’s already thinking about his next business venture.

“I love buffet-style restaurants but I never have time to go to one,” he said.  “I want to make the world’s first drive-thru all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant.”

 

 

Local Man-Boy Offers Basement Survival Skills Training

Chase Donovan has always been a survivor. And now he hopes to help others in our community survive the dangers of their parent’s basements.
“If I can keep just one young adult from endangering their lives while trying to survive the unforgiving environment of a basement, this will all be worth it,” Donovan said.
A lifelong resident of Coma, 20-year-old Donovan recently launched his expert guide service Alone in the Basement based on the popular survival series Alone.
Living in a parents basement is not a new phenomenon but harnessing the power of that life without the irritating preoccupations of having to care for yourself is the future.

Living in a parents basement is not a new phenomenon but harnessing the power of that life without the irritating preoccupations of having to care for yourself is the future.

“Its just you down there–unless you train your parents to bring you down snack–so you’ve got to know how to deal with some of the challenges that will arise,” Donovan said.
Common basement survival challenges include burned light bulbs, a bug, and batteries in remotes and game controllers running out. Basement survivalists also need to ensure they don’t run short of critical supplies, like Totinos bites, slippers, and toilet paper.
His inspiration and survival philosophy are based on the expert insights of famed explorer and survivalist Christopher McCandless, who died of starvation in the Alaskan wilderness at 24.
Donovan’s father said he’s also available by text or Snapchat 24 hours a day to provide help on any issues Donovan can’t address for clients, such as the likely locations of light switches.
Marybell Davis, Donovan’s first client, already credited his expert instruction with “saving my life.”
“I couldn’t find my new $300 iPhone ear buds anywhere,” Davis said. “And Shane was like ‘Have you tried looking under the wraparound leather sofa in the sitting area of your basement experience?’ OMG, life saver.”
Donovan hopes to eventually expand his experr survival guidance to young adults living in their parents’ finished garages, guest rooms and pool houses.
“Like I always tell my client, each environment carries it’s own unique risks so adapt to it survive there, don’t expect it will always adapt to you,” Donovan said.

Reduce, Reuse & Recycle Your Meds/Pets/Horses

Did you know that an average medicine cabinets holds enough unused prescriptions to keep a family of four medicated for a month?
Those were among the amazing recycling insights Coma families learned during the town’s third annual GreenFest.
go green
Among the efforts the town promoted to help residents go green was the Community Drug Sweep, in which residents dumped unused medications in a giant bag from which other residents could grab handfuls of drugs.
“Greenfest is a great way to connect with my fellow residents in an ecologically responsible way,” said Stoner Steve as he grabbed handfuls of recycled medications from the “sustainability bag.”
Vape and Vinyl Ad Xmas
Local pharmacists were available to advise residents on which medications were best to take when preparing scrumptious and sustainable pet meals.
Greenest activities also included:
Short documentary film on ways to eat short documentary films
Live music from Save the World, which is the mayor’s Boomer-obsessed cover band.
The Band (or Coma Town Council), pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music to help the younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are. Bob Smith-Smith was 'talkin about his generation' in song regardless of whether or not people wanted to listen.

The Band (or Coma Town Council), pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music to help the younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are. Bob Smith-Smith was ‘talkin about his generation’ in song regardless of whether or not people wanted to listen.

Motion Picture Actor Reese Foster Spotted in Coma

 

By Coma News Daily Staff

 

Film star Reese Foster, whose motion pictures include The Dark Knight, Flags of Our Fathers and Stranger Than Fiction, was recently spotted in Coma by several eyewitnesses.

According to several Coma residents who were able to spend a few minutes in Foster’s company, including snapping a few photos with the actor, Foster was “just passing through town and looking for a place to get gas and some microwavable frozen burritos.”

“It was crazy!” Micah Horncraft, who got the actors autograph along with a photo, said. “That guy is in some of my favorite movies and he was here in our town! Right here on this spot,” Horncraft added while pointing to the ground in front of him.

ABOVE: Foster (circled) was featured in an uncredited role in The Dark Knight as a party guest

ABOVE: Foster (circled) was featured in an uncredited role in The Dark Knight as a party guest

Foster has uncredited roles in a number of television shows and major motion pictures. His most recent role was that of an Accuretta Worker in “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.” Before that, he played such roles as Party Guest in The Dark Knight and Prison Visitor in the TV series “Prison Break.”

“This is one of the coolest things that’s ever happened here,” a still-excited Horncraft said. “That photo is going on my Facebook page for sure.  It’s not every day you meet a Hollywood celebrity.”

According to witnesses, Foster fueled up his 2006 Kia Sorrento, purchased two frozen burritos, a bag of Funyuns and two 16 oz. Mr. Pibb’s before getting in his car and leaving town.

ABOVE: Horncraft poses with the celebrity at a local gas station

ABOVE: Horncraft poses with the celebrity at a local gas station

‘Save the World’ Saves the Bar Scene

By Coma News Daily Staff

Remember when Coma politicians wanted to ‘Save the World‘ one outdoor-summer-small-town venue at a time?

The band “Save the World,” which is comprised of Coma baby boomer politicians has lowered their sights a bit during this year’s summer tour.

“We realized ‘the world’ is very large. We are just three amazing musicians and that chick tambourine player, so literally saving the world is a lot to ask,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson.

Mayor Dave Anderson sings a song about fighting the man and then confuses himself since he's the man.

Mayor Dave Anderson sings a song about fighting the man and then confuses himself since he’s the man.

Anderson not only plays lead guitar for the band but also leads a town government known for pioneering new tax schemes, like a sidewalk use tax and a buzzard-landed-on your-property tax.

“What we know we can save is the bar scene in Coma,” Anderson said. “Right now, there’s way too much jazz and Sadie Cracker playing some weird accoustic crap because she’s the only attractive woman in town. We realized that once again what’s needed is more overplayed 60s music–and John Lennon references, lots of Lennon references.”

Before they transformed to punk 'Save the World' was reliving the amazing songs of the 60's in a cow field.

Before they transformed to punk ‘Save the World’ was reliving the amazing songs of the 60’s in a cow field.

This summer ‘Save the World’ will play every bar, restaurant and food truck gathering in Coma–and possibly some grocery stores.

“I never realized about it before,” said  Bob Smith-Smith, former Town Council member and the band’s drummer. “But what the world really needs is some shredding between their lettuce heads. And do mean the guitar kind of shedding and not the food processor kind. Also, my current wife, who is almost 30 years younger than me and super hot, will really love to hear me play guitar while she’s purchasing some salad ingredients.”

Some people who don’t feel the same, including the newest member of Save the World, Jax Owen.

“We’re just better at larger venues, where I’m also more likely to find some lonely married women who need someone to love them for just 3 to 4 minutes,” Owen said.

The main goal of the band this year remains the same: To spread the wisdom and integrity of the baby boomer generation to “all of those Gen Xers who are pretty much idiots about life,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters, who plays the “very important” tambourine.

So check out Save the World this summer, as it saves bars and produce aisles all over Coma. Details on play dates and locations can be found on the town government.