Archive for: March 2017

Double Take Offers Premier Celebrity Lookalikes at Affordable Prices

Mar. 27 Classified, Living no comments
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The following is a paid advertisement

by Micah Horncraft, Founder and CEO, Double Take, LLC

Double Take is celebrating its three-month anniversary! In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last 90 days, Double Take is Coma’s premier, full-service celebrity impersonators agency.  We feature more than 40 celebrity lookalikes and are adding more every week!

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ABOVE: Advertisement for Double Take, Coma’s newest celebrity lookalike agency

Do you have an upcoming ribbon-cutting ceremony?  Or maybe a car wash fundraising event?  Need to inject some cache into your next PTA meeting? Let Double Take find a celebrity lookalike for your event and be prepared to be wowed.

Don’t believe me?  See below for some real-life testimonials from real-life clients…

“ANDERSON COOPER” RUBS ELBOWS WITH GENESYSTEMS EMPLOYEES

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ABOVE: Anderson Cooper celebrity lookalike, Milar Mlynar wows guests at a recent corporate event

“People were completely freaking out all over the place because they thought that guy from CNN was actually at our mandatory company event. I was surprised he had such a thick European accent, but otherwise, I think most people had a hard time believing it WASN’T Anderson Cooper.”

– Rory Shields, Office Manager, Genesystems, Inc.

CHRISTIAN BALE “MIXES” IT UP AT CHAMBER OF COMMERCE MIXER

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ABOVE: Christian Bale lookalike, Dennis Hornbuckle (center) mingles with guests at Coma Chamber of Commerce’s Summer Mixer

“It was like hanging out with Bruce Wayne at a Chili’s for two hours.  I was a little nervous at first because he asked me if I had any weed or something stronger. But outside of him getting a little touchy with some of the female guests and the fact he walked out on his bill, he was a spot-on impersonator and our guests had a great time.  For the record, a few of the guests thought he was supposed to be Michael Caine.  But, it all worked out in the end.”

– Sylvia Strong, President, Coma Chamber of Commerce

STAR WARS ANDROID A BIG HIT AT CREDIT UNION OPENING

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ABOVE: A piece of metal painted to look like a robot (left) served as the C3PO lookalike at a recent ribbon-cutting ceremony.

“The children really enjoyed having one of their favorite Star Wars characters on hand. There was also this guy dressed in a black cowboy hat and black leather jacket. We thought maybe he was supposed to be Chewbacca or Darth Vader, but we weren’t sure.  Other than that, it seemed like it was worth the fifty dollars to hire the C3PO impersonator.”

– Gary Buecher, Manager, Coma Employee Credit Union

And those are just a few of the happy customers we have served in our first few months of operation.  You could be our next happy customer! Contact Double Take, LLC today and find out how we can help you create an unforgettable experience for your customers, coworkers or friends!

 

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Down Dog Appreciation Society Coming

Mar. 27 Sports no comments
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By Thomas Steven John, future news reporter

Yoga enthusiasts and enthusiasts of yoga enthusiasts will realize their long-held dream of a competitive yoga league when the Coma Yoga Appreciators (CYA) launches this fall.

The popularity of yoga pants has led to near-saturation of the potential market for yoga among women. But yoga’s male appeal has generally been limited to a handful of coastal cities and flambuoyant neighborhoods.

But CYA organizers will exponentially expand yoga’s appeal by making it a competitive spectator sport.

“There’s a massive untapped yoga market out there: spectators,” said Jax Owen, who will launch CYA along with other residents of A Home for Those Guys, Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men.

“We just knew there was a way to combine the amazing flexibility of yoga athletes with the guttural grunts of competitive tennis,” Owen said.
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The assisted living facility will be home to one of eight CYA “fields” around which outdoor bars will be aranged. Although the specific competitive rules and scoring system have yet to be worked out, Owen was confident that he has figured out the most important component to make the new sport succeed.

“Pro sports are losing fans all over this country but here at CYA our only concern is making sure we don’t run out of bar stools or kegs,” Owen said. “Men love competition.”

Among known details are that games will last the length of happy hour, will include extensive stretching and will not be called on account of rain. All uniforms will be mostly white “to minimize heat exposure,” Owen said.

Turnout of prospective players for August training camp will be unexpectedly strong after the CYA offers prospective players new yoga outfits, gym memberships and spa treatments.

“Turns out, women love competitive sports, as well,” Owen said.

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“Suspiciously Tall” Man Asked to Leave Town Tour

Mar. 27 News no comments
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by Coma News Staff

An unusually tall visitor was asked to leave a sightseeing tour recently after the tour guide grew suspicious about the man’s extraordinary height.

“If you’re trying to get one over on me, it’s probably not going to work,” Coma Land Mine Tour guide, Micah Horncraft said. “If you’re tall, that’s cool. I have nothing against that. But THAT tall? Come on man. Something’s up.”

According to witnesses, the tour began near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot. After Horncraft discussed the history of the location, the group was ready to move on to the area behind the bus stop on Sixth Street when Horncraft stopped the tour.

“He told everybody to stop walking and said there was something ‘amiss’,” one witness said. “Then he pointed to this really tall guy and told him to step out. It was really awkward.”

ABOVE: Tour Guide, Micah Horncraft, stands near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot where he recently removed a “suspiciously” tall guest. “A guy that tall’s got to be hiding something,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft reportedly told the man he was no longer welcome to continue the tour, apologized for the inconvenience and invited the man to return at a later date at no charge if he should “become a less-suspicious height.”

“I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, for any reason,” Horncraft said. “And when you walk into my tour group and are the tallest human being in the history of the world, you’re gonna get checked at the door.”

Several eyewitness said they were surprised by Horncraft’s actions, especially because they didn’t find the visitor to be “that tall.”

“He was maybe six foot three or six four,” one eyewitness said. “He wasn’t tall enough to make you want to call authorities.”

Horncraft said it was only the second time he’s removed someone from his tour, citing a similar incident in 2011 when one of the guests was excused for having “too bushy of a beard.”

“I hate asking people to leave the tour,” Horncraft said. “But you come at me too tall or…too much facial hair, you’re just asking for it. I didn’t cause that guy to leave the tour. He caused it himself.”

Horncraft said the rest of the tour was uneventful.

 

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Breaking: Stimulating Success at ‘Coma News’

Mar. 27 News no comments
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Editorial note: Although the following is not strictly news, the publisher of Coma News believes the time-sensitive insights contained here-in may provide benefits for all Coma employers.
Why would a group of hard-charging journalists be sitting in a circle on the floor of a Coma News conference room playing spin the bottle?
Because we care enough about this town to do whatever it takes to build the teamwork and creativity needed for quality journalism. And because I said so.
I asked Robert Duvall to come and explain the newsroom to my reporters but his schedule is such that he cannot come to Coma News until late next year.

I asked Robert Duvall to come and explain the newsroom to my reporters but his schedule is such that he cannot come to Coma News until late next year.

I can’t take all the credit for the workplace make out session. In truth, it was the latest in a long string of activities urged by various “creativity consultants” that we have sought help from to turn around a moribund industry.
This latest effort to stimulate our editorial staff followed previous initiatives that alternately used group chanting, pillow fights and public games of tag.
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Such efforts are necessary because unlike the Coma News sales staff, which are motivated by vulgar cash bonus checks and luxury vacations, reporters and editors require encouragement commensurate with their professional virtues as truth seekers. That’s probably why getting through to them is a bit like herding cats.
So what lessons do I have to share with my fellow Coma business leaders regarding hard-to-reach employees? 
Despite some interesting results from the various team building exercises, I have found editorial staff productivity is most consistently tied to the quantity and variety of stimulants provided.
I have insisted that the entire editorial staff regularly consume coffee, cigarettes and ADHD medication. Additionally, a small slush fund is available for employees to pursue their own gray market stimulants.
I know it’s not shiny and new but I’ll be damned if the old pay-the-canal-builders-in-whiskey trick isn’t still consistently the most productive!
Far well and good profiting!
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Titanic: Could that Shit Happen Here?

Mar. 17 Opinion no comments
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c store copy

by Steve Phillips

I saw a movie I was watching on TV and it blew my mind up all over the place.  It was about a big boat that blew up in the middle of the ocean and then sank and everybody in it died forever.  I thought to myself, “could that shit happen here in Coma?”

Well, let’s do the science of it.  First, Coma doesn’t have any nearby lakes or oceans.  So that’s good.  That means it’s unlikely that part could happen here.

Vape and Vinyl Ad Xmas

Steve Phillips is not only an opinion contributer to Coma New Daily, he’s also the spokesperson for Alan’s Vape & Vinyl. If elegance, smoking and music ever had a threesome and made a baby, Alan’s Vape & Vinyl would be that baby.

Next, what about the boat?  I have seen some boats around town but none of those boats were as big as the boat in the movie.  The boat in the movie was probably one of the biggest boats ever made.  So that’s good too.  That means we’re probably not going to wake up one day and find ourselves on a really big boat and be like “oh shit, we’re going to sink to the bottom of the land.”

Based on those two things, I’m going to say it is not likely at all that we are going to face the same stuff the people on the boat in the movie Titanics faced.  So no, I don’t think that shit could happen here.  We’re lucky.

 

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How To Anything

Mar. 17 Living no comments
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How to Anything: Build your own Bear Plane

by Coma News Intern Stan Bargmeyer

President Woodrow Wilson once famously said, “the man who successfully trains bears to serve as aircraft will be a rich man indeed.” Since Wilson said those words, no one has figured out how to create the first commercial airline utilizing bears.

Until now.  Follow the simple steps below to create your own bear plane and prepare to reap the financial rewards.

STEP ONE

You will need to assemble the following items:

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1. A bear (obviously)

2. Suit of armor

3. Thompson machine gun

4. Bit-o-Honey candy

 

STEP TWO

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The next step is likely the most challenging.  You must train your bear to accept both a heavy set of airplane wings AND passengers. This training will take time.  This is the part that will require the suit of armor and the machine gun.  The Bit-of-Honey is a reward for your bear during the training process.  All bears love honey.

Next you will want to somehow attach the airplane wings to your bear. BE CAREFUL!

 

STEP THREE

You’re all set! You can now earn hundreds of dollars from consumers eager for an alternative to standard airline transportation.  Good luck!

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If you love the Bear Plane listen to our podcast to learn more about our town on iTunes and on Soundcloud.

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Mystery Solved: Relationship Challenges

Mar. 17 Living no comments
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The following is a blog excerpt from a local resident and businesswoman presented a community service by Coma News Daily.

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Mystery Solved: Relationship Challenges
Marybell Davis, owner, LOL Detective Agency

Daddy Warbucks: You moving out soon Marybell? Getting a paying job?
Marybell: No, Daddy don’t be silly. But I did figure out the mystery of relationship challenges because I’m a Private Dick (gross).

So many times my father (Daddy Warbucks) has said “Hey, Marybell. What are you going to do with your $200,0000 Psychology degree and my answer is always the same: “Not sure, but it’s definitely going to be more interesting than being a psychologist.”
Psychoanalyzing perverted dreams and discussing Mommy issues is just gross and sad.
At least that’s what I always thought when I was observing therapy sessions during my undergrad days.
Things look pretty different when you’re the one who needs the help.

When my special guy and I had problems I was at my wit’s end until we decided to go to a relationship specialist.
Why would I change my mind about therapy and invest that kind of time? Love, I guess.
When we first met, I’ll admit I was a little put off by his thinning hair and general uncleanliness. But once we started spending time together, brought him home, and cooked for him, he seemed to change right before my eyes into this amazing being. Our mutual love of being outdoors, small animals, and foraging for all-natural ingredients brought us closer than I thought I could ever be with someone.

About then was when the problems started.
Why wouldn’t he answer when I called? Why did he start insisting on laying on the couch on the other side of the room? Why wouldn’t someone want an outfit that coordinated with mine?
The distance turned to anger and soon he started in the stereotypical rock star behavior–tearing up rooms,chewing my underwear, and pooping in my shoes. All because he didn’t want to do what I told him.

It was then that I realized that what my dog, Banjo, and I have is bigger than just me. So I couldn’t give up.
Luckily, my boyfriend, Jax Owen, recently added certified in pet therapy to his areas of expertise, which previously included used car sales, chicken wrangling and taxidermy. Banjo and I have sessions twice a week planned to discuss all of the issues in our relationship. Hopefully Banjo can get over his fear of commitment and mommy issues long enough to let me be his new best friend, mommy and soul mate.

And that’s how I solved my furriest mystery, yet: Love means not giving up.Stay turned for updates from therapy!
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Coma Author Releases New Children’s Book

Mar. 16 News no comments
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hooper

By Coma News Daily Staff

The latest offering from popular children’s author Dee Collins tells the story of Mr. Hooper, a down-on-his-luck farmer whose body is covered in lesion-like sores.

The story revolves around Mr. Hooper and a young school boy named Porter, who is visiting from the city.

“I wanted to tell a story that would make young children question every decision they have ever made up to that point in their life,” Collins said.  “I think I did that with this story.”

Throughout the story, Porter attempts to determine if Mr. Hooper has sores covering his arms, hands and face or if it’s something else altogether.  The young man cannot determine whether the apparent lesions are contagious and must navigate several awkward scenarios in which Mr. Hooper makes him a bread sandwich, offers multiple high-fives and attempts to teach him how to properly shake hands.

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“The thing is, we never really know what these disgusting, puss-filled lesions are exactly,” Collins said.  “The whole story will help children challenge conventional wisdom and make them explore their definition of sores, disease, viral infection, bacteria and even leprosy.”

Collins’ favorite part of the book features Mr. Hooper and Porter standing at the kitchen sink after working in the fields all day.  Mr. Hooper washes his face and hands and then dries them with a towel and then hands the towel to Porter.

“It is a turning point in the story,” offered Collins.  “This young man is faced with having to decide if he should air dry his face and hands or use the towel.  These are the sorts of dilemma’s children face every day.  This stuff is real-life, ripped-from-the-headlines material.”

“Mr. Hooper Has A Sore Or Something” is 28 pages and will be available nationwide through traditional classified advertising ads.

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