Archive for: March 2017

Double Take Offers Premier Celebrity Lookalikes at Affordable Prices

The following is a paid advertisement

by Micah Horncraft, Founder and CEO, Double Take, LLC

Double Take is celebrating its three-month anniversary! In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last 90 days, Double Take is Coma’s premier, full-service celebrity impersonators agency.  We feature more than 40 celebrity lookalikes and are adding more every week!

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ABOVE: Advertisement for Double Take, Coma’s newest celebrity lookalike agency

Do you have an upcoming ribbon-cutting ceremony?  Or maybe a car wash fundraising event?  Need to inject some cache into your next PTA meeting? Let Double Take find a celebrity lookalike for your event and be prepared to be wowed.

Don’t believe me?  See below for some real-life testimonials from real-life clients…

“ANDERSON COOPER” RUBS ELBOWS WITH GENESYSTEMS EMPLOYEES

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ABOVE: Anderson Cooper celebrity lookalike, Milar Mlynar wows guests at a recent corporate event

“People were completely freaking out all over the place because they thought that guy from CNN was actually at our mandatory company event. I was surprised he had such a thick European accent, but otherwise, I think most people had a hard time believing it WASN’T Anderson Cooper.”

– Rory Shields, Office Manager, Genesystems, Inc.

CHRISTIAN BALE “MIXES” IT UP AT CHAMBER OF COMMERCE MIXER

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ABOVE: Christian Bale lookalike, Dennis Hornbuckle (center) mingles with guests at Coma Chamber of Commerce’s Summer Mixer

“It was like hanging out with Bruce Wayne at a Chili’s for two hours.  I was a little nervous at first because he asked me if I had any weed or something stronger. But outside of him getting a little touchy with some of the female guests and the fact he walked out on his bill, he was a spot-on impersonator and our guests had a great time.  For the record, a few of the guests thought he was supposed to be Michael Caine.  But, it all worked out in the end.”

– Sylvia Strong, President, Coma Chamber of Commerce

STAR WARS ANDROID A BIG HIT AT CREDIT UNION OPENING

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ABOVE: A piece of metal painted to look like a robot (left) served as the C3PO lookalike at a recent ribbon-cutting ceremony.

“The children really enjoyed having one of their favorite Star Wars characters on hand. There was also this guy dressed in a black cowboy hat and black leather jacket. We thought maybe he was supposed to be Chewbacca or Darth Vader, but we weren’t sure.  Other than that, it seemed like it was worth the fifty dollars to hire the C3PO impersonator.”

– Gary Buecher, Manager, Coma Employee Credit Union

And those are just a few of the happy customers we have served in our first few months of operation.  You could be our next happy customer! Contact Double Take, LLC today and find out how we can help you create an unforgettable experience for your customers, coworkers or friends!

 

Down Dog Appreciation Society Coming

By Thomas Steven John, future news reporter

Yoga enthusiasts and enthusiasts of yoga enthusiasts will realize their long-held dream of a competitive yoga league when the Coma Yoga Appreciators (CYA) launches this fall.

The popularity of yoga pants has led to near-saturation of the potential market for yoga among women. But yoga’s male appeal has generally been limited to a handful of coastal cities and flambuoyant neighborhoods.

But CYA organizers will exponentially expand yoga’s appeal by making it a competitive spectator sport.

“There’s a massive untapped yoga market out there: spectators,” said Jax Owen, who will launch CYA along with other residents of A Home for Those Guys, Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men.

“We just knew there was a way to combine the amazing flexibility of yoga athletes with the guttural grunts of competitive tennis,” Owen said.
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The assisted living facility will be home to one of eight CYA “fields” around which outdoor bars will be aranged. Although the specific competitive rules and scoring system have yet to be worked out, Owen was confident that he has figured out the most important component to make the new sport succeed.

“Pro sports are losing fans all over this country but here at CYA our only concern is making sure we don’t run out of bar stools or kegs,” Owen said. “Men love competition.”

Among known details are that games will last the length of happy hour, will include extensive stretching and will not be called on account of rain. All uniforms will be mostly white “to minimize heat exposure,” Owen said.

Turnout of prospective players for August training camp will be unexpectedly strong after the CYA offers prospective players new yoga outfits, gym memberships and spa treatments.

“Turns out, women love competitive sports, as well,” Owen said.

Living, in Coma

The following is one in a series of intermittent excerpts from Coma residents’ blogs published by Coma News as a community service

 

By Sadie Cracker

My oldest son Joe runs fast up the rain-slick mountain path to catch up with his little brother who spotted a rainbow and ran toward the possibility of catching it and out of my eyesight.

Joe stops by an Oak tree to catch his breath and he says, “I can’t go on.” and he’s 14 and he can.

“Don’t stop. You can catch up to him.” I said.
Joe takes off running. His legs strong now. More like a man’s legs than boy legs and I watch him run until I can’t see him anymore where the hike-path bends.

This is hike was a bad idea because I’m old now and this mountain path is reminding me I need to work out more but the boys, they need to run, and I need to keep up.

One of my girlfriends gave me Sheryl Sandberg’s book, ‘Lean In’ as a Christmas gift.  This book says I can have it all—motherhood, amazing career, amazing internal life—but right now all I can do is lean forward to push up this hill when my thighs are killing me.

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“Mom you gotta see this,” Joe said.  And he yelled and then laughed.

I round the corner to see them together. Joe stands looking down at his little brother Ben who is covered in mud.

My legs are on fire from leaning forward and there’s my little guy, Ben, his mouth covered in dirt.
“What happened?” I said.
And Joe laughed so hard he can barely breathe. “Ben ate dirt.”

*************************************************************************
It’s karaoke/ poker night at Bear’s Biker Bar where the losers have to sing Madonna’s “Justify My Love”.

There are only two poker players tonight, my dad, Stan and Bear. The poker game will end soon because my Dad can’t remember how many cards he needs to win. I am sitting at the bar and trying to get through Sheryl Sandberg’s book. It’s been on my nightstand for months beside all the other books written by people who have money, time, hired help, and some sort of success and they want to share with me. Sheryl, Oprah, Kardashian fashion—all stacked on top of Virginia Woolf — on my nightstand.

There’s a lot of information out there about how we as women can be better at being ourselves written by people who don’t know us or live our lives.

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“I can’t go on.” Dad says and he throws his poker cards on the table.
“But you were winning, for real.” said Bear.
“Doesn’t matter.” Dad said. “I’m tired of playing this game it’s always the same thing. Some cards. Some winning.”
“When you don’t give up, you win sometimes.” Bear said and he goes behind the bar and turns on the news.

“There are no good presidential candidates. The world is ending…” The newscaster on the radio says in a matter-of-fact voice. Bear turns the radio OFF and he winks at me.

I look down at the book jacket cover of Sheryl Sandberg. She’s staring up at me but her hair looks great.
“Sadie is a winner. She went to a great college. She’s gonna be a famous singer.” Dad says.
Dad has Alzheimer’s and he doesn’t remember everything that got us to this moment where I’m not a famous singer and staring down at Sheryl Sandberg’s hair that looks slightly unnatural. He thinks I’m a 12 year-old-dreamer tonight but I’m happy he knows who I am.

***********************************************************************
“You can’t eat dirt. Why did you eat dirt?” I said.  And why did I take this walk? I can’t feel my legs.
“I wanted to know how it tasted.” Ben said.
“What did you figure out?” I said.
“It doesn’t taste like anything.” he said. “I’m tired. Can we go home?”
And I look at the trail-mile marker and it is one more mile to the top of this hill where we can see everything.
“Let’s keep going.” I said.
“I can’t go on.” said Joe.
“I can’t go on.” said Ben.
I can’t feel my legs. “Let’s keep going.”

*********************************************************************
“My Sadie, she’s no quitter. She’s so strong. She’s gonna be a famous musician.” Dad says. “Better than Madonna!”
And I look down at Sheryl and her perfect hair that doesn’t “Lean In”.

“Bear.” I said and he looks up from where he’s wiping a spill up on the bar. I point to the book “Can you throw this out?”
He nods picks up the book and it makes a “swoosh” sound as it hits the trash bag inside the can. I turn around on the creaky barstool and face the stage. Don Reynolds is at the Karaoke machine singing “Like a Virgin” and he stops mid-touched-for-the-very-first-time- sentence to wave at me.

“She’s better than you, Madonna.” Dad said and points at Don.
There was a moment in New York City 15 years ago, where I stood in front of a bar and it was open Mic night, and I’d just gotten a call from Michael who was back in Coma. I was standing in front of the bar with my acoustic guitar and ready to play because tonight maybe a record label would be there. But on the phone so far away Michael said, “I miss you.” and he was just some mechanic in Coma. Just a guy I’d known forever but I knew I had to turn around. I knew I had to go see him. And now he’s gone and I’m raising two boys alone and I wouldn’t give up that moment.

I wouldn’t do that moment any differently.

I didn’t lean in that night.

I stood.

I walked away.

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Charlie, the Coma Librarian walks in the bar, and nods at me. Tonight he’s in a leather jacket but tomorrow he’ll read Shel Silverstein to kids at the library. He walks up to the stage and Don stop singing Madonna which is something to be grateful for. He starts setting up and I think about standing up.
All of the candidates may be bad, the world may end, and we will have disappointment. We aren’t Sheryl Sandberg leaning in and leaning on a nanny and a housekeeper.

But we all end up the somewhere with our choices which are the only things we can own in this world.

Charlie clears his throat and Dad starts clapping, “Sadie is famous tonight…”
I stand but as I try my skirt gets caught on the bar stool and a falter, fall a little and a drunk guy at the end of the bar starts to clap and laughs a little. I smile and stand up.
Charlie winks at me and he pulls out a banjo. He strums a couple chords and suddenly it’s ‘Moon River’ in here and I think, “I can’t feel my legs.” – after sitting for so long on that stool. I keep moving and pick up a banjo and Bear sings about a couple of drifters go off into the world together and I pick up the banjo and play the chorus…
Moon River…
And we go on.

“Suspiciously Tall” Man Asked to Leave Town Tour

by Coma News Staff

An unusually tall visitor was asked to leave a sightseeing tour recently after the tour guide grew suspicious about the man’s extraordinary height.

“If you’re trying to get one over on me, it’s probably not going to work,” Coma Land Mine Tour guide, Micah Horncraft said. “If you’re tall, that’s cool. I have nothing against that. But THAT tall? Come on man. Something’s up.”

According to witnesses, the tour began near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot. After Horncraft discussed the history of the location, the group was ready to move on to the area behind the bus stop on Sixth Street when Horncraft stopped the tour.

“He told everybody to stop walking and said there was something ‘amiss’,” one witness said. “Then he pointed to this really tall guy and told him to step out. It was really awkward.”

ABOVE: Tour Guide, Micah Horncraft, stands near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot where he recently removed a “suspiciously” tall guest. “A guy that tall’s got to be hiding something,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft reportedly told the man he was no longer welcome to continue the tour, apologized for the inconvenience and invited the man to return at a later date at no charge if he should “become a less-suspicious height.”

“I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, for any reason,” Horncraft said. “And when you walk into my tour group and are the tallest human being in the history of the world, you’re gonna get checked at the door.”

Several eyewitness said they were surprised by Horncraft’s actions, especially because they didn’t find the visitor to be “that tall.”

“He was maybe six foot three or six four,” one eyewitness said. “He wasn’t tall enough to make you want to call authorities.”

Horncraft said it was only the second time he’s removed someone from his tour, citing a similar incident in 2011 when one of the guests was excused for having “too bushy of a beard.”

“I hate asking people to leave the tour,” Horncraft said. “But you come at me too tall or…too much facial hair, you’re just asking for it. I didn’t cause that guy to leave the tour. He caused it himself.”

Horncraft said the rest of the tour was uneventful.

 

Breaking: Stimulating Success at ‘Coma News’

Editorial note: Although the following is not strictly news, the publisher of Coma News believes the time-sensitive insights contained here-in may provide benefits for all Coma employers.
Why would a group of hard-charging journalists be sitting in a circle on the floor of a Coma News conference room playing spin the bottle?
Because we care enough about this town to do whatever it takes to build the teamwork and creativity needed for quality journalism. And because I said so.
I asked Robert Duvall to come and explain the newsroom to my reporters but his schedule is such that he cannot come to Coma News until late next year.

I asked Robert Duvall to come and explain the newsroom to my reporters but his schedule is such that he cannot come to Coma News until late next year.

I can’t take all the credit for the workplace make out session. In truth, it was the latest in a long string of activities urged by various “creativity consultants” that we have sought help from to turn around a moribund industry.
This latest effort to stimulate our editorial staff followed previous initiatives that alternately used group chanting, pillow fights and public games of tag.
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Such efforts are necessary because unlike the Coma News sales staff, which are motivated by vulgar cash bonus checks and luxury vacations, reporters and editors require encouragement commensurate with their professional virtues as truth seekers. That’s probably why getting through to them is a bit like herding cats.
So what lessons do I have to share with my fellow Coma business leaders regarding hard-to-reach employees? 
Despite some interesting results from the various team building exercises, I have found editorial staff productivity is most consistently tied to the quantity and variety of stimulants provided.
I have insisted that the entire editorial staff regularly consume coffee, cigarettes and ADHD medication. Additionally, a small slush fund is available for employees to pursue their own gray market stimulants.
I know it’s not shiny and new but I’ll be damned if the old pay-the-canal-builders-in-whiskey trick isn’t still consistently the most productive!
Far well and good profiting!

Titanic: Could that Shit Happen Here?

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by Steve Phillips

I saw a movie I was watching on TV and it blew my mind up all over the place.  It was about a big boat that blew up in the middle of the ocean and then sank and everybody in it died forever.  I thought to myself, “could that shit happen here in Coma?”

Well, let’s do the science of it.  First, Coma doesn’t have any nearby lakes or oceans.  So that’s good.  That means it’s unlikely that part could happen here.

Vape and Vinyl Ad Xmas

Steve Phillips is not only an opinion contributer to Coma New Daily, he’s also the spokesperson for Alan’s Vape & Vinyl. If elegance, smoking and music ever had a threesome and made a baby, Alan’s Vape & Vinyl would be that baby.

Next, what about the boat?  I have seen some boats around town but none of those boats were as big as the boat in the movie.  The boat in the movie was probably one of the biggest boats ever made.  So that’s good too.  That means we’re probably not going to wake up one day and find ourselves on a really big boat and be like “oh shit, we’re going to sink to the bottom of the land.”

Based on those two things, I’m going to say it is not likely at all that we are going to face the same stuff the people on the boat in the movie Titanics faced.  So no, I don’t think that shit could happen here.  We’re lucky.

 

How To Anything

How to Anything: Build your own Bear Plane

by Coma News Intern Stan Bargmeyer

President Woodrow Wilson once famously said, “the man who successfully trains bears to serve as aircraft will be a rich man indeed.” Since Wilson said those words, no one has figured out how to create the first commercial airline utilizing bears.

Until now.  Follow the simple steps below to create your own bear plane and prepare to reap the financial rewards.

STEP ONE

You will need to assemble the following items:

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1. A bear (obviously)

2. Suit of armor

3. Thompson machine gun

4. Bit-o-Honey candy

 

STEP TWO

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The next step is likely the most challenging.  You must train your bear to accept both a heavy set of airplane wings AND passengers. This training will take time.  This is the part that will require the suit of armor and the machine gun.  The Bit-of-Honey is a reward for your bear during the training process.  All bears love honey.

Next you will want to somehow attach the airplane wings to your bear. BE CAREFUL!

 

STEP THREE

You’re all set! You can now earn hundreds of dollars from consumers eager for an alternative to standard airline transportation.  Good luck!

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If you love the Bear Plane listen to our podcast to learn more about our town on iTunes and on Soundcloud.

Mystery Solved: Relationship Challenges

The following is a blog excerpt from a local resident and businesswoman presented a community service by Coma News Daily.

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Mystery Solved: Relationship Challenges
Marybell Davis, owner, LOL Detective Agency

Daddy Warbucks: You moving out soon Marybell? Getting a paying job?
Marybell: No, Daddy don’t be silly. But I did figure out the mystery of relationship challenges because I’m a Private Dick (gross).

So many times my father (Daddy Warbucks) has said “Hey, Marybell. What are you going to do with your $200,0000 Psychology degree and my answer is always the same: “Not sure, but it’s definitely going to be more interesting than being a psychologist.”
Psychoanalyzing perverted dreams and discussing Mommy issues is just gross and sad.
At least that’s what I always thought when I was observing therapy sessions during my undergrad days.
Things look pretty different when you’re the one who needs the help.

When my special guy and I had problems I was at my wit’s end until we decided to go to a relationship specialist.
Why would I change my mind about therapy and invest that kind of time? Love, I guess.
When we first met, I’ll admit I was a little put off by his thinning hair and general uncleanliness. But once we started spending time together, brought him home, and cooked for him, he seemed to change right before my eyes into this amazing being. Our mutual love of being outdoors, small animals, and foraging for all-natural ingredients brought us closer than I thought I could ever be with someone.

About then was when the problems started.
Why wouldn’t he answer when I called? Why did he start insisting on laying on the couch on the other side of the room? Why wouldn’t someone want an outfit that coordinated with mine?
The distance turned to anger and soon he started in the stereotypical rock star behavior–tearing up rooms,chewing my underwear, and pooping in my shoes. All because he didn’t want to do what I told him.

It was then that I realized that what my dog, Banjo, and I have is bigger than just me. So I couldn’t give up.
Luckily, my boyfriend, Jax Owen, recently added certified in pet therapy to his areas of expertise, which previously included used car sales, chicken wrangling and taxidermy. Banjo and I have sessions twice a week planned to discuss all of the issues in our relationship. Hopefully Banjo can get over his fear of commitment and mommy issues long enough to let me be his new best friend, mommy and soul mate.

And that’s how I solved my furriest mystery, yet: Love means not giving up.Stay turned for updates from therapy!