Archive for: July 2014

Afternoon Ignite

The members of the Coma Town Council will barely escape with their lives Saturday when their campground goes up in flames, Coma News has learned.
The narrow escape of Coma’s elected leadership, which took a summer-long leave of absence to tour as the band Save the World, was discovered by this reporter’s peyote-fueled fever dreams.
The Band, pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music to help the younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are.

Save the World, pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music of their generation to help younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are.

Members of the band, who were unable to be reached for comment due to the lack of phone reception at their isolated location, will be camping somewhere in the 5,000-acre state park Saturday when a mysterious blaze erupts.
Band members, who have recently moved into a soft rock phase after a disco mishap, will begin to choke on the fire’s smoke three hours into an extended version of “Afternoon Delight.”
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“I’ve always liked that song,” Stan Bargemeyer, a Coma resident, said shortly before driving a gasoline-laden truck into the park Friday. “It’s catchy.”
Coma News was unable to reach Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib for comment since he was on vacation.
Mayor Dave Anderson was expected to sustain the most serious injuries after sparks set his little remaining hair on fire. A re-evaluation of Anderson’s priorities is expected to follow his screaming departure from the park.

Sports in Brief

sportsbriefcoma

 

 

Balls Disrupt Swim Meet

 

Balls invaded the local Coma pool during a swim meet and upset the children.

Balls invaded the local Coma pool during a swim meet and upset the children.

By Coma News Staff
Flying balls disrupted a Coma swim for the second time in as many weeks on Tuesday.
The five beach balls descended on swimmers from the Coma Piranhas and Martinsburg Megaladons during the 10- to12-year-old boys 50-meter breaststroke. No swimmers were injured but the race was “totally ruined,” according to one swimmer.
Coma Swim League leaders are investigating the source of the balls.

‘Comys’ Recognize Sports Leadership

shinysbsa

For the first time, all 10 prizes for local amateur sports achievement over the last 12 months went to a single athlete.
Robert McGuiness, the first openly Scottish player in the history of the Coma Pool League, swept all categories of the Coma Sports Association’ annual awards event.
McGuiness triumphed in categories as varied as “Best YouTube Music Video by An Athlete” and “Most Improved Female Youth Athlete.”
McGuiness declined to appear at the awards dinner due to his objections to his selection. So, instead of award speeches, the dinner featured a 20-minute slow motion montage of McGuiness’ billiards highlights.

‘Chariot 2000′ to Debut

eTUUeRs

Jax Owen announced plans to launch a new sports league next month that will combine skateboarding with his love of dog breeding.
Dubbed Chariot 2000, in a nod to ancient Roman chariot races, the new sport will feature skateboarders pulled by teams of pit bulls around a quarter-mile running track. The full-contact race will encourage “extreme interaction” between the drivers and dogs, as well as the use of “non-lethal racing aides.”
“We’re putting the ‘sport’ back in ‘blood sport,'” Owen said.

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

 

 

 

[FreecycleComa] Wanted: Wheelchairs, Walkers, Crutches, etc.‏

Not for personal use. For a friend.

Drop off at Coma General Hospital back loading bay.

Not necessary to specify a time just drop off by the back bay.

email drjimmy (at) gmail.com

 

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: frozen meals

4 dinners I froze in plastic bags. individually packaged. somewhat used. frozen.

flavors are:

1. Salmon with Pepper Coulis (not real salmon)

2. Yellow Rice with Chicken Chunks and Chicken Chorizo and Chicken Bones

3. Chicken stew (not recognizable as chicken)

4. Tofu Curry Stew

No “use by” date because I made them about a year ago.

I find them bland and no one else in the house likes them either. Hopefully someone else can use these.

Please take all.

Please indicate pickup time as these should remain frozen, so PPU isn’t an option. MUST STAY FROZEN. When defrosted they have a strange smell.

readyforthefreezer1

email: townofcoma (at) gmail.com

[FreecycleComa] TAKEN: glass pebbles‏

Thanks for Freecycling.

starry-night-mosaic-art-mural

 

 

 

 

 

 

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

Mystery Solved: How Ryan Gosling Got Pregnant

The following is a blog excerpt of a local resident and business owner provided as a community service by Coma News.

Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome things

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, stop surfing the internet and get a job.

Me: Hold on, Daddy, I am solving an important mystery: How Ryan Gosling became pregnant.

 

 

There are lots of ways people can get pregnant these days like under a tree or in the Home Depot shower head section. It’s super hard to know when and where pregnancy might happen.
There are lots of stories going around about Ryan Gosling’s pregnancy and we may never be able to pin down how and where he and Eva Mendes got pregnant. It’s also super confusing because no biology class I took ever even mentioned male pregnancy (I think).

heygirlmemes

But what every important news magazine has made clear is a fact: Ryan Gosling is now pregnant, along with Eva Mendes.
So what happens now that he is pregnant? I decided to use my detective skills and flesh out what happens after men get pregnant along with women.

I went to the labor and delivery wing at the Coma Medical Center. they have A Lot of rules about who can visit the new baby area so I slipped on some nurse pajamas covered in stuffed bears.

It was there that I met Dan. He was standing outside of one of the rooms looking like he’d been drinking. Inside the room there was a lot of moaning and screaming that sounded like me at the last Justin Timberlake concert.

“What’s going on in there?” I asked him.
He gave me a strange look. “My wife is in labor.”
“Oooooh,” I said. “But wait, don’t you mean you’re in labor since you’re both pregnant?”
“It’s weird, we’ve gone through months of mood swings, weight gain, sleeplessness, and an inability to get out of bed without a chair lift,” he said. “But despite going through all of that together, the baby never seemed real to me until now.”
At that point a real nurse (whose pajamas were covered in baby giraffes?) found me and escorted me from the hospital. And that is how I solved the mystery of how Ryan Gosling got pregnant and what will happen to him by the end of his pregnancy.
Daddy Warbucks: Get a job, Marybell.
Me: Maybe I will become a doctor, Daddy! After I am done as a private dick (gross).

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] Taken: 24 foot coaxial cable

This cable was taken by a man named Dave. Dave has brown hair, is 6 ft tall and is married but childless. He will not use this cable to tie up anything or anyone. He will probably use it for his VCR so that he can spend the weekend watching ‘The Godfather’ over and over again but worry about those “pesky commercials”. There were other emails more interesting than Dave’s but they were talking about using the cable to tie up small animals or significant others which is not this cable’s intended purpose.

Thanks for the interest all. Freecycle forever.

Micah

KIUBpEI

[FreecycleComa] Taken: Cough drops

61RGOiTultL._SL1500_

A man named John who has chronic COPD took all packages of cough drops. He was having trouble breathing as he made the trek to my house and said the cough drops helped him walk back down the hill. He is about 80 years old and walks with a cane. I was surprised that there weren’t more freecyclers emailing to take these cough drops as they are perfectly fine just expired.

 

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: slide rule

This slide rule appears to be from the late 1940s. I’m shocked no one has taken this yet. Someone must need a slide rule.

Read my blog for more information on this slide rule.

Please email me at townofcoma (at) gmail.com if interested. This is an amazing slide rule.

Micah Horncraft

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

Putting ‘Party’ Ahead of Politics

By Coma News Staff

Coma has taken a turn for the partisan with the founding of a second homegrown political party in nearly as many days.

Following the launch of Organizing for Hugs–an offshoot of Hug Club–earlier this week, Coma Town Councilmember Natalie Peters founded the ‘Party’ Party. Described as the “party for people too poor to party,” PP aims to ensure better access to social events.
“We are the party for people who were all told that we can party like Jay-Z or Whole Foods but that’s just not happened,” Peters said.
Peters, who has offered herself as PP’s first council candidate, views OH’s Jax Owen as her leading opposition.
“How do you get people in town to vote against something as admittedly popular as Hug Club?” Peters said. “You give them something they need more–like free parties!”
Owen dismissed his new leading opposition party as “what happens when someone is rejected from Hug Club for being unhuggable.”
“You gotta have some basic requirements around hygiene and physique or the whole system breaks down,” Owen said about Hug Club.

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Oddly, the recent explosion in Coma political parties comes as record numbers of residents describe themselves as Independent.
Mayor Dave Anderson, an Independent, was critical of the constraints that party platforms impose.
“Everybody likes hugs and free parties so why can’t we do both and some other cool stuff while we’re at it?” said Anderson, who has taken the summer off to tour with his band and to “explore myself.”

Squeezing Out A Love of Politics

By Coma News Staff
Are you really into PDA? Do you wish there was more interpersonal contact in politics? Do you have a lot of time on your hands?
If you answered yes to any of those questions then Coma’s newest political party may be for you.
Organizing for Hugs (OH) was launched this week by the founder of Hug Club, a private club devoted to private displays of affection.
Jax Owen, the club’s founder and OH’s first candidate for public office, said the club was expanding its focus after its early success.
Started in 2013, Hug Club had only two “guiding principles”: You have to like hugs and you must be a woman.
“Obviously, as the founder that second rule does not apply to me,” Owen said.
OH’s platform is that no one is above a hug or the law. The party also will accept the financial and electoral support of men.

jax-town-council-signs
OH “is all inclusive,” Owen said. “It will wrap you up in its big, strong arms and tell you ‘don’t be afraid’ and whisper in your ear ‘you’re hot,'” Owen said.
The evolution of private clubs into political parties is not unprecedented, said Stan Bargmeyer, Coma historian.
“In the 1850s, the Whig party splinter group, the Mule Stuffers, turned their taxidermy club into quite the political force,” Bargmeyer said.
Not all town leaders were enthusiastic about the launch of OH.
“This initiative threatens our long tradition of non-partisanship on the Town Council,” said Mayor Dave Anderson. “It also makes me really uncomfortable.”

1827 Frontiersman Randy Crockett, DDS, Settles in Coma

Stan Bargmeyer

Often overshadowed by his older and widely praised brother, Davy, Randy Crockett enjoyed a successful career as both a frontiersman and the nation’s first wilderness dentist. Most Oral Historians agree his impact on the Veterinary dentistry field was substantial.

Randy Crockett DDS 2

Frontiersman, dentist and orthodontist Randy Crockett lived in Coma from 1827 – 1835.

The younger Crockett, who settled in Coma in 1827, built a successful animal dentistry practice and is credited with using his ax to remove plaque and tartar build-up.  Although this technique fell out of favor due to high patient mortality rates, Crockett was viewed by many as a pioneer in pushing the science of Veterinary dentistry forward.

Crockett lived in Coma from 1827 until 1835.  In that time, he performed more than three dozen successful root canals on a range of animals including pigs, donkeys, coyotes and a small family of chipmunks.

Crockett, who struggled to earn money from his dental practice, as most clients were not in a position to afford care, left Coma in 1835 and went on to open a first-of-its-kind drive thru restaurant, which offered salt pork, a variety of root vegetables and maple syrup brought to you while you waited in your Conestoga wagon.

Stan Bargemeyer is a local historian and Coma News Intern