Archive for: February 2016

Still Counting: Local Scientists Think Numbers May Go On For “Really Long Time”

By Coma News Staff

Scientists in Coma announced this week that while their research is not yet complete, early results suggest numbers go on for even longer than they initially believed.

“We’re all a little shocked by what the data is suggesting,” Dr. Jimmy, who heads up the research team, said. “In theory, it would appear that number can just keep going for a really, really, really long time. But it’s still early.”

The research project began last month and is being funded, in part, by the Coma Futurist Society in an effort to better understand numbers and their limitations.


Researchers have been working in shifts and logging numbers into a spreadsheet in sequential order starting at the number one.

“It’s been a very trying research project,” Micah Horncraft said.  Horncraft, who heads the Futurist Society, has been volunteering on the project for the past two weeks. “It’s a lot of typing. My fingers got sore. But there’s just so many numbers.  You got one, two, three, four, five…and a bunch more.”

02 19 2016 number publish 2

Micah Horncraft holds one of the many numbers scientists have been counting since January. “There’s lots of them,” Horncraft told reporters this week.

According to Dr. Jimmy, based on preliminary results, it is theoretically possible that number just continue without ever stopping.  Dr. Jimmy said such a discovery could revolutionize math and probably some other things as well.

“So far, we’ve counted up to nearly eight thousand,” Dr. Jimmy said. “It seems like we can just keep going and going.  But we’ll see.  Maybe there will be a surprise along the way and everything will just stop suddenly.”

Dr. Jimmy said the project was initially scheduled to wrap up in early March but may extend into April, depending on when they discover “the end of numbers.” Horncraft told reporters a special event will take place at the Futurist Society to announce the results of the research project.

Podcast: Take Your Medicine, Medieval

It’s 42 degrees in Coma but tomorrow it might be -26 below. The Groundhog says that spring is coming and that means plagues and bunnies that lay eggs. This is Coma News Daily.


The official internet podcast portal for the Town of Coma. For the first time, this podcast is brought to you by our friends at Kale Flavored ham

This week we decided to ‘Get Serious’ and broadcast from a horse barn rather than a bar.

As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!

Hosted this week by Jonny Reynolds, who is a real reporter, and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis, who does not write news but is attractive enough to read it. With the introduction of Coma Town Councilperson Natalie Peters and news from T.S. John who can no longer prebreak news since he gave up his peyote habit.

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Alfonso “Cinnamon Boots” Dabney, 106, Dies Tragically in His Sleep

by Coma News Staff

Coma resident Alfonso “Cinnamon Boots” Dabney passed away peacefully in his sleep this week at the age of 106 in what many are calling a tragic death of the town’s oldest citizen.

“He was just starting to live,” Dabney’s doctor, Dr. Jimmy said.  “One minute you’re a vibrant, bed-ridden 106-year old man and the next minute, you’re dead.”

Mourners, many of whom were inconsolable, stood outside Dabney’s nursing home in an impromptu memorial.  Many wept openly and tried to make sense of what some are calling a “senseless” death.

“How does this happen here?” Coma resident Dee Collins said. “It’s the kind of stuff you see on the news or a ripped-from-the-headlines movie of the week.  It’s surreal.”


ABOVE: Photo of Dabney from 1984 during a rally he organized to ban dancing in an effort he hoped would prevent the town from turning into one of those “Footloose communes.” Dabney also sought to “send those immigrants back to China or England on a boat.”

Dabney, who earned his nickname “Cinnamon Boots” during prohibition where he served as a cinnamon runner for local moonshiners, was remembered by mourners as a curt, almost helpless curmudgeon who incessantly complained about the sodium levels of his soup and the “damn foreign nurses” who were trying to kill him.

After serving heroically as a warehouse supply clerk in San Antonio during World War II, “Cinnamon Boots” returned home to Coma after the war and was mostly forgotten about until his 100th birthday party celebration in 2009.

Many who gathered at the makeshift memorial reflected on Dabney’s life and the very nature of life and death itself.

“Makes you think that none of us are immune to things like death,” Jax Owen, one of the many mourners, said. “I’m just trying to make sense of it all. There are a lot more questions than answers right now.”

Mayor Dave Anderson released a statement yesterday afternoon urging the town to “persevere through such tragedy” as “all great communities do.”

“The great crisis of our time is now before us,” Anderson’s statement read.  “While we have been reduced to ashes emotionally as we struggle to understand how a relatively unhealthy, decrepit 106-year-old man suddenly passes away, I am confident in our ability to rebuild our community, survive this tragedy and become a better version of our former selves.”

Dabney has no known living relatives.  A formal memorial service is being planned and the town will be offering counseling services for citizens who may need support to deal with the tragedy.

1889- “Feather War” Devastates Coma

by Coma Historian and Coma News Daily intern Stan Bargmeyer

Otto Lumpkin’s farm was an unlikely setting for one of Coma’s most notorious chapters.  It was there, amidst the fields of cabbage and stew tomatoes, a band of militant and disgruntled Buff Orpington chickens led a hasty and tragic armed revolt against Lumpkin and his family.

The birds fashioned swords out of feathers and surprised Lumpkin at dawn as he was scattering feed to the angry mob. Caught completely off guard by the uprising and fearing for his safety, Lumpkin quickly disarmed the nearly two dozen feather-wielding birds and wrangled them back to their coops.  The entire ordeal lasted nearly four minutes and left a deep scar in the human-chicken community for years.

02 22 2016 chicken

ABOVE: Artist rendering of a chicken clutching an infamous feather sword during the uprising of 1889.

While no serious injuries were reported, Lumpkin noted that several chickens brushed his boots with the feather swords, causing no pain or even slight discomfort.

Local militia were called in following the revolt to help restore order.  Several of the birds were sentenced to death and served with cabbage and stewed tomatoes that evening.  Others were forced to spend the rest of their lives in captivity.

The ordeal was given the name the “Feather War” by a local reporter who covered the incident for the Coma Daily News in 1889.  The tension between humans and chickens continued for several decades, easing slightly during World War I.

Otto Lumpkin is reported to have died in his sleep in 1910 although his death remains controversial to this day as several feathers were found near his bed.  Investigators ruled the death from natural causes by many in the community still believe his chickens played a role in his demise.

8 Moments from Fantasy Animal Shooting of Local Hunter

By Jonny Reynolds, reporter, does not have social phobia

A fantasy animal shot a local hunter Saturday and the shock-waves are still reverberating through Coma.

Here are eight things to know about the incident, its aftermath, and how to keep your family safe.

1) No animal has ever previously shot Jax Owen with his own Limited Edition Excalibur Matrix 380 Lynx crossbow.

2) The legendary jackolope apparently got ahold of Owen’s weapon while the hunter was helping instruct three members of the Town Council’s Govern Girlz during their annual charity hunting trip.


3) Owen and the Govern Girlz’ members were sober and fully clothed at the time of the incident.

4) Owen’s foot wound was treated on an outpatient basis by the new medieval medical practice of Dr. Jimmy, called “Thine Leeching Post & Acupuncture.”

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5) “Thine Leeching Post & Acupuncture” was described by Owen as having “the most amazing collection of medieval weapons and nurse-wenches that I’ve ever seen.” “Thine Leeching Post & Acupuncture” is technically not open until April but doesn’t have to live under modern regulations since there weren’t any in medieval times.

6) Dr. Jimmy said he expected Owen to make a full recovery “as long as he replaces his poultice daily and remembers to take the juice of the horehound.”

7) The three members of the Govern Girlz were treated for shock and anxiety with full body applications of
lemon balm. “You can never be too meticulous in the application of lemon balm,” Dr. Jimmy said.

8) The whereabouts of the mythical assailant remain unknown but Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib said residents should be safe as long as they “don’t go running around the woods like half-cocked idiots.”

Three Choking Incidents End Fast Food Chain’s Promotion

By Coma News Staff

Foot Bucket, Coma’s only animal-foot fast food restaurant, announced this week it was suspending its popular month-long “Beaks & Bones” promotion after several patrons nearly died from choking-related incidents.

According to a statement on the company’s website, Foot Bucket will cease serving “assorted animal beaks and bone fragments” to its guest in light of “mysterious and still undetermined sources of choking-related incidents.”

The company stopped short of accepting responsibility but owner of the company and Coma Town Councilmember, Jax Owen, said there is some evidence to suggest the bone fragments and beaks may have caused at least one of the victims to choke.

“We know for certain one of the guests choked on a goat femur,” Jax said. “that’s a pretty big bone to try to take down in one swallow. But when you play the bone-eating game, you gonna win some and lose some.”

02 19 2016 beaks and bones 1

Micah Horncraft tried unsuccessfully to launch ‘The Grape Hut‘ as a healthy alternative to The Foot Bucket feels that these incidents might help citizens of Coma realize that healthier options are safer options. “There’s really only so many ways you can eat bones but grapes are soft and not fried.” said Horncraft.

grape hut exteriorgrape hut drive thru

“Beaks & Bones” is an annual limited-time promotion the company runs every February. Historically, it is one of the most popular promotions with consumers and has driven record revenues for Foot Bucket in previous years.

“This may be one of those watershed moments for our organization,” Jax  said.  “Maybe it’s time to look at soft tissue and organs. A bit easier to swallow and less violent to digest.”

The company’s website also stated it was moving up the start date of a new promotion called “Arctic-Fest”, which will feature an assortment of arctic mammal foot-food including caribou, moose, Dall sheep, ermine and musk ox.  That promotion will start March 1 and run throughout the month.

An LOL Girl Mystery- Is there a potion to make you understand I belong with you?

An LOL Girl Mystery: Can old time medicine bring true love?

The following is an excerpted blog by a Coma resident, which is presented as a community service by Coma News Daily.


Marybell Davis

Can something from the past make men in the future understand you are the right girl for them?

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, what are you up to? Thinking about grad school? Looking for a good job?

Me: Not now, Daddy. I am the only private dick around here who’s a women. All the other private dicks are a bunch of high school guys who just like to call themselves private dicks.

Well, this private dick has to work twice as hard to get half the credit.

Here’s a real mystery: How do we find love in the Internet age? Can we look to the past and find a medieval potion that works better than a Tinder hook up?

My iphone is amazing. I have apps for everything– Tinder random hook-ups, Facebook shaming, and the ability to tweet anonymously to Kanye. All of this stuff is great. I’ve never had so many guys finding me hot and wanting to pay for my dinner (Sorry, wrinkled grandpa from Florida.). The best part is they don’t know my flaws (which are few) they just know what I want them to see (my bikini pics or that time I was having a lot of fun at a bar and cropped out my ex).

But how do we find someone to care about us for who we really are? And by that I mean the inevitable point when we are fat and depressed (aka old)?

I don’t know what this feels like but I’ve observed old people (weirdos over 40) and the future looks pretty miserable.

But maybe there’s hope. It’s a new medical practice in town that focuses on Medieval medicine and offers all kinds of folk remedies and potions. Maybe, just maybe, it will have one to make an attractive girl find a cute rich guy, who will still love her when she’s old and fat.

So, I decided to visit Dr. Jimmy at the new medical practice he’s building “Thine Leeching Post & Acupuncture”.

After they called my name and took me back to a torture chamber, Dr. Jimmy asked me to talk with a stick in my mouth “for medicinal purposes.”

Dr. Jimmy: Why are you here, Marybell?
Me: Garbled, garbled, garbled, garbled, love.
Dr. Jimmy: So you want a love potion?
Me: Yef, pweef.

He took out a leech and I blacked out.
When I woke up, I was the same. There was no leech and Dr. Jimmy was holding a mirror.

I looked and staring back at me was a cute-smart-girl, me.

Me: What did you give me?
Dr. Jimmy: Nothing. You blacked out when I took out the leech.

I walked out of the clinic and decided to delete Tinder and turned off Facebook notifications. I looked up an realized that there were clouds in the sky and people walking the street.

The sun was shining and I realized that most people around here are old but I still felt better not getting a notification from Tinder that a stranger thinks I’m hot. I saw people and I smiled at them and said “hi.” Very weird.

I walked into Bear’s Biker Bar. Bear got me a drink and said, “where’s your phone?”

“I dunno,” I said. “What did you do today?”

So, I didn’t solve the mystery of how to find love in a way that’s better or easier than Tinder. But I did figure out that this Medieval medicine can help you disconnect from the Internet.

When I Said Rethink Medicine I Didn’t Mean Leeching‏

The opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Coma News Daily.

by Natalie Peters, Coma Town Councilperson, Opinions expressed are correct
It has come to my attention that Dr. Jimmy, a Coma physician, believes there’s a future in “Mid-evil” medicine, as I like to call it.

Is that what we do in the future? Look back at the past? Does this make any sense?


And please, spare me the false equivalency of mentioning the popularity of ancient Chinese, Native American and aboriginal healing. Those are totally different.

What barbarities in medieval times could compete with the advanced science of chemical face peels, stomach staples, or firing lasers into our eyeballs?

How people lived with wrinkled faces, ugly glasses or excess body fat back in those days we will never have to know because of the wonders of modern medicine.


Okay, maybe they did have Fairy Godmothers back then and Mel Gibson as Braveheart.

Although, it was probably better that Braveheart died because I’m not sure what his quality of life would have been like if doctors had saved him after those torture injuries.

The most important question in all of this is what about the animals?

Do those leeches really want to suck disgusting sick people blood? Has anyone asked them how they feel about their role in medicine? Who will speak for the leeches? And what do leeches cure? Can they treat cancer? Can they remove fat?

Granted, I felt that modern medicine had failed me when Dr. Jimmy told me recently during my annual physical that I was “heavy” for a  person my age and that I “need to lose a few pounds.”

But when I punched a hole in his exam room wall and yelled “You need to rethink medicine” I didn’t mean leeches.

So, now that Coma’s only physician has gone medieval on this town, we need to ask “Who will speak for the leeches?”

I will.

I will speak for medicine. I will speak for the leeches. And I will make sure that we keep our eyes on what’s important. Because we can see better with LASIK.