Archive for: November 2016

Post-Election Crisis: Local Bakery Reduces Breakfast Hours

By Coma News Daily Staff

The outcome of the recent election took a decidedly dark turn Wednesday when Coma’s Sweaty Muffin Bakery announced it would no longer be open for breakfast.

“We’ve got a rat in office–that my neighbors voted for–and now they’re taking away my morning coffee?” said Natalie Peters. “Someone’s getting burned in effigy over this!”

Peters was referring to Master Splinter, a rodent, who was elected animal representative this week in the Coma Town Council election. Master Splinter defeated both a wolverine, named Buttercup, and a human, Bob Smith-Smith.


Residents gathered Thursday morning for a rally across from the bakery, where each took a turn at the microphone to say how the bakery hour changes–and the election–had personally injured them.

“This bakery has failed to stop either the rat or our morning exhaustion,” Marley Bumgartener screamed into a microphone. “We need a new morning caffeine purveyor for the 99%!”

Scattered rioting also was reported as a result of the bakery ending breakfast service.

“People need to get ahold of themselves and maybe switch to decaf,” said Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib.

Historical Alcoholics Come Alive at ‘Stumble Into Past’

By Coma News Daily Staff

Some of Coma’s most important, influential and interesting historical drunkards will step out from behind tombstones at Coma Cemetery to share their recollections Saturday.

The annual “Strolling with the Boozehounds ,” presented by the Coma Futurist Society, has become a family-friendly Autumn tradition and living history event. It is a unique walking tour that allows participants to step into the past and hear stories about the many, many alcoholics and booze-fueled events that helped shape the community.


An experienced re-enactor, Micah Horncraft will reprise his role as William Wang, an early industrialist who was co-inventor of the meat juicer and designed and manufactured the tractor known as the “donkeymobile.”

Horncraft has done extensive research on Wang to bring him to life. “Just saying someone was born on this date, married on this date, died of liver failure on this date … if you find something booze-related in the middle — drunken brawls and embarrassing life choices, it makes them more human, and that disdain is what connects with people now,” he says.

In addition to helping turn Coma into a donkey manufacturing center, Wang also had the first tandem bicycle dealership in town. He bought a railroad car full of tandem bikes and sold them to the Coma Sheriff.

“The only other person drunk enough to think tandem bikes were a good idea was ol’ Sheriff Jebediah Fudge,” Horn craft said.

A sometime performer for Coma’s local theater troupe, the Backdoor Players, Horncraft is looking forward to a chance to stretch his acting muscles.

“When you’re doing a fictional character on stage, you only can be as wild and exaggerated as the director will let you be, but when you’re portraying a real boozehound, you can do whatever,”  says Horncraft, who plans to perform pants-less.

The luminaries will illuminate the setting a little, but participants are advised to bring flashlights for the night tour, as well as comfortable walking shoes, sweaters and headgear–because these tombstones don’t care how drunk you are.

“Everything is a little spookier when you’re dealing with drunken ghosts,” Horncraft said. “Plus, you’re in a cemetery where some of these people are buried, and they’re stepping out and slurring something incomprehensible at you. It’s spine tingling.”

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Game- Week 9

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Game Week 9

Two Weeks Ago- 2 – 2

Season- 11 – 13

I’m Jabba The Hutt.  You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movie films.  But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the fall watching football and eating gently-peeled bananas.


What a crazy few weeks it has been around The Hutt household.  Jabba has not been doing well.  First, there was the ordeal with the deep fryer at Buffalo Wild Wings a few weeks ago.  My hands are still wrapped from that little incident.  Jabba has learned patience when it comes to waiting for deep-fried cheese curds.  It is best to wait for the server to bring them to your table.  It is not a self-serve sort of arrangement, if you know what I mean.  Ha ha ha, ho ho ho! But seriously, it’s no laughing matter.  My friend Greedo is actually typing this for me.  I’m saying the words out loud and Greedo is typing them onto the computer.

Speaking of friends, I’d like to thank Boba Fett for filling in for me two weeks ago.  Boba doesn’t know a lot about the football games, but he was pretty good in going 2 -2 with his picks.  Not bad for a bounty hunter, am I right? LOL!

I intended to make my picks last week but fell asleep for nine days.  It’s not uncommon for Hutts to sleep for very long periods of time.  I remember one time while on a trip to the Kasian System, I fell asleep for 16 days straight.  Crazy! I missed the star-studded cotillion on Monta, which was the whole purpose of the trip!

“Wait! Jabba The Hutt attend fancy affairs like cotillions? But I thought he was an apish, small-minded thug who only took pleasure in terrorizing those who can’t defend themselves or owe him some paltry sum of money.”

Wrong! Jabba has attended many well-healed events including galas, balls and even local chamber of commerce after-hours mixers.  Why? Because Jabbat The Hutt is a classy, complex and distinguished Hutt with a wide range of interests.  He is just as comfortable shaking down petty smugglers and Applebee’s dishwashers for pocket change as he is getting dressed up for a night of karaoke at the local International House of Pancakes.

Anyhow, my doctor has encouraged me to limit my picks this week.  He says it is causing me unnecessary stress.  So, this week I’m offering up one pick. But I consider this Jabba’s stone-cold lock of the season.  If you were ever going to wager on one of my picks, I encourage you to do so this week…

Indianapolis Colts at Green Bay Packers

Green Bay’s offense has looked much-improved in the past two games.  If the Packers can keep this up, they should be in great shape to win the division.  The Colts’ defense has struggled and those struggles should continue at Lambeau Field on Sunday.  Expect Rodgers and Company to keep rolling at home and put away the Colts early.


Depot ‘Boondoggle’ Celebrated

By Stan Bargemeyer, Coma News Daily intern, Sometimes wears pants

Thirty years ago, the attraction now known as Trashtown National Historic Site in Coma was a train wreck.

Trashtown USA, as it was then known, was basically a junk yard of train parts that had fallen off as locomotives passing through Coma and trash that passengers dumped out windows but local organizers dreamed of much more.

They tried for years to raise local money to transform the space into a local collection of historic trash piles but  failed to generate enough money to support its maintenance, much less pay for development and renovation.

Legislative Supermen

While organizers of the local site failed to spark visitors’ imaginations–despite arranging the trash in the shape of Theodore Roosevelt, for instance–they succeeded in attracting the attention of a few powerful men in Washington, D.C. In September 1986, U.S. Rep. Donald Dingleberries passed out in the junk yard after a three day bender and upon waking famously said “What fresh Hell is this?”

The visit had the effect Trashtown USA principals were hoping for, according to The Coma News Daily’s account of the visit. Rep. Dingleberries, a key figure in numerous federal porkbarrel schemes, knew how to spin trash into gold.

“During a later sober tour of the once-busy junk yard, Dingleberries suggested that the area may one day become a national park where the story of rail trash dumping in the United States will be told,” according to a Sept. 16, 1986, Coma News Daily story.


When Dingleberries requested operational specifications for improving “this steaming pile of opportunity” Trashtown General Manager John M. Shart Jr. wasted no time in getting that information to the congressman, telling Coma News Daily he was “working with Trashtown architects and operations people right now and hope to send the specifications to Congressman Dingleberries in Washington this afternoon,” the Sept. 16, 1986 article reported.

Mr. Dingleberries wasted no time after arriving back in Washington, D.C. Just days after his visit to Trashtown, the congressman introduced legislation to make Trashtown a national junk pile. A Sept. 23, 1986, Coma News article reported that U.S. Sen. Arlen “Angry Red” Weiner was expected to introduce a bill nearly identical to Mr. Dingleberries’.

Tramp Stamp of Approval

The same article noted “Both Weiner and Dingleberries hope Congress will put its stamp of approval on the plan before it adjourns, although Coma Mayor Buckey “Buck You” McMasters said today it will take a ‘Herculean boonedoggle’ to accomplish that goal.”

About $500 million in funding to turn Trashtown into a national historic site was wrapped into a “$500 billion package of legislation that would provide for the continued operation of the federal government,” according to an Oct. 8, 1986, Coma News article. Mr. Dingleberries “managed to attach the Trashtown allocation to the Parks Service bill, specifying that the $500 million is to be used to build the national museum at Trashtown and to pay various entities operated by people also named Dingleberries.”

Roller-Coaster Nausea

The next few weeks must have seemed like a roller-coaster ride for those with a stake in Trashtown’s fate. But 30 years ago this month, Trashtown got its designation at a national historic site and its initial federal funding, thanks in large part to Mr. Dingleberries’ tireless advocacy. Thankfully, the local public servant got more than just our thanks–he was able to retire a couple years later after amassing a $900 million fortune while working in Congress.

“Public service is its own reward–much like cocaine,” Dingleberries said in an interview shortly before his untimely passing in 1992.