Tag: Stan Bargmeyer

Life Hacks Volume I

by Stan Bargmeyer

There are a lot of things I have discovered over the years that make my life easier. Small, simple tips that can help you be happier and make life just a little more enjoyable. I want to share some of these “life hacks” with you. Maybe, like me, you weren’t aware. But that’s okay. Now you are.

How to quickly capitalize a letter or word while typing. This one comes in handy if you want to write sentences that use proper capitalization. There are two ways to do this. First, there is a button on most standard keyboards called “Shift.” If you hold this button down while typing a letter, the letter becomes a capitol letter! If you want to write in all caps, there is another button called “Caps Lock”. If you press that button, you will write in ALL CAPS. JUST LIKE THIS! To disarm this function, simply click the “Caps Lock” button a second time and you return to normal.

life hacks caps

How to repair and extend the life of damaged prescription eyewear. I have had to learn this little trick over time as I’ve been a prescription glasses-wearing person for years now. The secret to this little life hack is Scotch tape. I’m not joking! Take some Scotch tape and tape the glasses back together. Use it liberally to ensure it holds. Your glasses will be like new!

life hacks eyewear

How to make chocolate snack stand displays. If I’m hosting guests I like to make them feel welcome and find that these easy-to-make chocolate snack stand displays really do the trick. You just take one of those power adapter thingies from a smart phone, set it on its end and tuck a square of chocolate between the “prongs”. I hope that’s not too technical. This is a cute and clever way to add some fun to your next party or when hosting company.

life hacks chocolate stand


Local Man Not Sure Being Impaled by Shovel Qualifies for Doctor Visit

by Coma News Staff

A local man who was impaled by a shovel told neighbors and friends he was holding off on seeking medical attention because he wasn’t certain the injury was “bad enough” to see a doctor.

The accident occurred on Saturday afternoon as Stan Bargmeyer was “rummaging” through his garage. Bargmeyer said he’s not sure how the accident happened. The widower was looking through an old box of model railroad train cars and next thing he knew, a shovel handle was protruding through his chest.

“It’s just one of those freak accidents that happen,” Bargmeyer said. “I just kind of shook my head, thought ‘not again’ and then passed out for an unknown length of time.”

stan impaled 2

ABOVE: Coma resident Stan Bargmeyer was impaled by a shovel last Saturday but is not sure the injury is significant enough to seek medical attention

Bargmeyer was found by neighbors late Saturday afternoon. Upon regaining consciousness, Bargmeyer refused to call 911 and told friends the injury “wasn’t too bad as far as impalings go.”

“I just never know when you’re supposed to go see a doctor,” Bargmeyer said. “I’m definitely in discomfort but…I can still prepare food and use the toilet. So, what constitutes a trip to a doctor?”

According to town physician, Dr. Jimmy, anyone suffering from an impaling should seek immediate medical attention, particularly when the object is as large as a shovel.

“People underestimate impalings,” Dr. Jimmy said. “But they can be very serious injuries. I would rank them right behind being submerged in a corrosive substance and right ahead of being attacked by medium-sized mammals. So, pretty serious stuff.”

Bargmeyer said he was impaled previously nearly 20 years ago by a pike while visiting a early middle-age military museum.

“That one was weird because they were talking about how pikes were used to impale enemy soldiers and not ten minutes later, I found myself on the business-end of one,” Bargmeyer said. “But they took me directly to the hospital, which was nice, because it eliminated the guess work on my part.”

Bargmeyer noted that the bleeding had mostly stopped and while it has limited his ability to shower or lay down in bed, he has been able to manage in most aspects of his daily routine.

“I’m getting by,” Bargmeyer said. “It would just be nice to know, without a doubt, if I should seek medical attention on this one.”



Turns Out Pancakes and Flapjacks Are the Same Thing

By Stan Bargmeyer. Coma News Intern

Did you know that pancakes and flapjacks are the same thing? Well, they are. They are both made of the same ingredients and look exactly the same. I didn’t know that until recently.

It’s funny how you go a whole lifetime without knowing stuff that you thought you knew. I always thought flapjacks were made from cured meats of some kind. But they are just like pancakes. No cured meats or anything.

I remember last year when I discovered national recording artist Paul McCartney was the same Paul McCartney who was in the band The Beatles. That really blew my mind. I just thought it was ironic that there were two very popular recording artists with the same name. But they are, in fact, the same person. If you don’t believe me, you can look it up. I didn’t believe it either but it is true.

When I was in my thirties, I kind of figured I knew everything I would ever know. I thought that was kind of the end of learning new things. But that hasn’t been true at all. Now it seems like I’m learning new stuff at least once or twice a year. Sometime more!

Just a few weeks ago I learned that the phrase “barking up the wrong tree” means making a mistake or a false assumption. For years I thought the phrase was “backing up the raunchy” and was some perverted sexual reference having to do with a woman’s back side. I was both thrilled that I learned something new and embarrassed that I didn’t already know it. But people say it so fast and everyone assumes you know what they are saying or what it means.

Nowadays it seems like there is more stuff to know and to learn. When I was younger, things didn’t move so fast. It was less confusing. But now they have so many things to keep track of. There are hundreds of television shows on television. There are a bunch of computer things to know about. There are sayings and phrases. There are lots of different kinds of music. Seems impossible to learn it all.

It can be intimidating. And make you feel foolish. Like thinking “LOL” means “Look Out Licorice”. Or thinking an emoji is a brand of Japanese beer. Or trying to send an Instagram from your local post office.

Everything just keeps on happening. I don’t think I’ll ever know it all. But maybe I’m not supposed to.

Is Dove Soap Made With Real Pieces of Dove Meat?

By Stan Bargmeyer

This Christmas marks 12 years since my wife Lucille passed away.  Lucille was my wife of 35 years and then she just died.

I still remember our last night together.  I was wrapping a bar of Dove soap for one of my friends and I asked Lucille if Dove soap was made with real pieces of Dove meat?  I mean, why else would they call it Dove Soap? I assumed that doves were used somewhere in the process of making their soap.

Lucille told me that there was no dove meat in Dove soap. I remember feeling both relief and disappointment.  Lucille just laughed.

She always knew stuff that I didn’t know.

Like she knew that you should not hang candles on a Christmas tree.  And she knew that my recipe for meat juice could use more water and a lot less actual meat juice.  She knew that our mailman was NOT Walter Cronkite.  And she knew that what I thought were wild apes and monkeys living in the woods behind our house were only raccoons and a couple possums.

That was Lucille.  She was so much smarter than me.

Lucille baked cookies at Christmas.  And she sang Christmas songs.  All day and into the night.  Songs about silence during the nighttime and songs about a child drumming prodigy. I don’t know many words to Christmas songs so I don’t sing them.  I do know the words to “Born on the Bayou” by Credence Clearwater Revival.  So, sometimes I sing that song at Christmastime.

Sometimes it feels like when Lucille died, our house kind of died too.  Nowadays, I hear a lot of silence.  Stillness.  Like everything just stopped trying.  I didn’t think you could hear silence and stillness.  But you can.

Before she died, Lucille told me that I would never be alone. That she would still be here with me.  It doesn’t feel that way.  I struggle to do most everything nowadays.  Things she would have been so much better at doing.

But at Christmas, I can feel her.  Like she’s just in the next room and if I just walked in there I will see her sitting on the couch, writing notes on Christmas cards.  Or humming a song.  So most days I stay in the kitchen.  I don’t want to wander in to the next room just to see she’s not there.  Plus, I sometimes get lost if I wander too far from the kitchen.

This Christmas, I’m making homemade soap.  And I’m using real dove meat.  Actually, I couldn’t find any doves.  So, I’m using some frozen chicken nuggets.  I’m going to wrap the bars of homemade dove soap and give them as gifts.  Lucille would like that I’m making an effort to be friendly.  She would like that I’m trying to do nice things for other people.

All I ever wanted to do is nice things for her.

So, Merry Christmas.  And I apologize for the texture of the homemade gift soap.  It is a bit gamey.

Opinion: If You Can Avoid Eating Bones, Fried Chicken is Pretty Tasty

Stan Bargmeyer's recipe for Mac & Cheese includes preparing Kraft Mac & Cheese by following the directions on the box


By Stan Bargmeyer, life-long Coma resident and Coma News Intern

Fried chicken is a pretty good food to eat, especially if you avoid eating the bones.

I just try my best to eat around the bones. If I can manage to do that, I find I actually kind of enjoy eating fried chicken.

I avoided eating the popular food for years following several near-death experiences as a younger man.

It used to be that I would just eat all of the fried chicken and sharp pieces of bone would get stuck in my throat and I’d almost die. It was my fear of dying and dislike for the taste of bones that made me give up fried chicken, entirely.

Recently, my friends encouraged me to give fried chicken another chance and they went to great lengths to explain that the bones were not, in fact, edible. With great reservations, I gave chicken another chance and had encouraging results.

It was a little clumsy at first and I only really nibbled around the edges because I didn’t want to eat the bone. But with some practice, I got the hang of it and decided it was pretty decent, as far as food goes.

My recent success with fried chicken has inspired me to reconsider other foods I stopped eating or never tried because I thought they were dangerous or too exotic or just not the type of food people like me would eat. But now I think I want to try those things. Like pancakes.


If You Follow Directions Precisely, Mac & Cheese A Pretty Easy Dinner To Prepare

Stan Bargmeyer's recipe for Mac & Cheese includes preparing Kraft Mac & Cheese by following the directions on the box

Stan Bargmeyer’s recipe for Mac & Cheese includes preparing Kraft Mac & Cheese by following the directions on the box

According to Coma resident Stan Bargmeyer, if you follow the directions on the box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese precisely, it’s a fairly easy dinner to prepare.

“I just read over the directions and then I make some notes and then I follow them exactly as they are laid out,” Bargmeyer said.  “I usually have to refer to my notes a few times while preparing the dish, but it works.”

Bargmeyer said he originally tried making the dish last year but gave up after several attempts without even looking at the instructions, which are printed clearly on the box.

“The first time I only boiled the pasta for about a minute, maybe two,” Bargmeyer admitted.  “It was crunchy and I thought maybe I just got a bad batch of macaroni.”

On his next attempt to prepare the popular boxed dinner, Bargmeyer forgot to add the cheese sauce.

“It tasted pretty bland,” the retired bus driver said.  “I was ready to give up.”

After talking to some friends, Bargmeyer realized there was a set of instructions on the box that provided specific, helpful and easy-to-follow instructions.

“Once I started following the directions, I realized it was a pretty simple dish to prepare and it tastes pretty good too,” Bargmeyer beamed.

Bargmeyer said he looks forward to trying even more complicated recipes soon, including a can of Nalley’s chili that has been in his cupboard for almost two years.

“I look at that can almost every day but have put it off cause I’m not exactly a culinary expert,” Bargmeyer said.  “My confidence is growing though.”

Opinion: I Wish People Would Stop Laughing Just Because I Love Cream Pies

by Stan Bargmeyer


I don’t know what everybody-in-the-world’s problem is but I’m tired of people laughing at me just because I enjoy cream pies.  Any time I bring this up, people shake their head and laugh.  Like really loving a delicious cream pie is funny.  I don’t get it.

If I tell people I like licorice, nobody laughs or chuckles or anything.  If I tell them I enjoy making Hamburger Helper, they just kind of nod and move on.  But if I mention how much I adore cream pies, they act like a bunch of teenagers and shake their head and laugh and giggle.  It makes no sense to me.


So what if I like cream pies? I’m sure lots of people do.  I wonder if they get laughed at for admitting it? I wonder if any of them have even tried a cream pie.  If they did, they probably wouldn’t be laughing.  They’d probably want to high-five me and say “I love those too, Stan.”

I think my favorite kind of cream pie is chocolate. I like how rich and creamy it is.  It’s kind of sweet too.  It makes me smile just thinking about it.

I enjoy visiting my friends Shannon and Edward.  Every time I go see them, I have cream pie.  They don’t ever laugh about how much I enjoy their cream pie.  They act like mature, grown-up people.

A few weeks ago I was having dinner with friends and someone asked me what my favorite dessert was.  I told them I really love cream pie.  Everyone at the table started to laugh and one fella said “I bet you do you dirty old man.” They all got a big laugh about it.  Why would he “bet” that I liked cream pies.  I just told him I liked cream pies.  No wagering necessary because I already admitted that I love cream pies.  That makes no sense to me.

One thing that is becoming clear to me as I get older is that the world is becoming a much stranger place.  It’s even a little scary sometimes. I don’t know what words are going to make people act funny.  People are getting weirder and weirder as I get older and older.

I think they all need to slow down and enjoy a cream pie.  If everybody had some cream pie every day, I think the world would be a much happier place.





Opinion: Maybe I Should Write A Book

By Stan Bargmeyer

One time I was telling a story about how I had a hard time removing my mail from the mailbox.  The person I was telling the story to said I should write a book about all my adventures.  I got to thinking that maybe I should.

The book would be about some of the things I’ve overcome and some of the adversities I’ve faced.  Like the mailbox story.  That would probably be chapter one. Chapter two would probably be about how I accidentally set my bathroom on fire when I started a fire in my bathtub.


There are a lot of interesting stories and anecdotes that could probably be cobbled together to make a book.

There was that time I stood in line at the grocery store for almost a half hour before I realized the register I was standing at was closed.  Or the time I accidentally washed my hands with cooking oil.  That could be a whole chapter right there.

I don’t know a whole lot about writing books. I’ve seen some at the store and know they take a lot of words and writing.  I don’t know anything about book binding or printing either. Do I stitch the pages together? Or glue them? That might cause some problems.

But I do have a lot of interesting stories to tell.  Like that one time when I accidentally swallowed some antifreeze and all my eyebrow hair fell out. Or that one Monday when I went the whole day thinking it was Wednesday.


People seem to love compelling stories like that.

I just don’t know if I would be able to create the artwork for the cover of the book.  Most books have nice photos or paintings on them.  I’m not very experienced at either thing so I don’t know if I could make it look nice.

I bet people would love my story about how I drove past an over-turned lettuce truck one time.  There was lettuce all over the place. It looked like a salad bar exploded.  See? I could make little jokes like that in the book too.

The other big problem I see is how much time it will take for me to make a lot of books.  My house isn’t very big and I don’t even know where to get all the supplies.  There is probably a book-making store somewhere.  Hopefully it’s not too far away because I don’t like to drive at night.

Or maybe I just make one book and people pass it around.  I’m not sure yet.  But I do think I should try to write that book.