Archive for: January 2015

In Memoriam: I did not know Don Johnson Michaels

The following is a excerpt from a local blogger published as a community service by Coma News.

By Marybell Davis, 26 year old Private Dick (gross), awesome blogger of awesome things

Coma News Editor Don Johnson Michaels is either missing or dead or he ran away on purpose and I thought I would say a few words about how that makes me feel since I have a blog. The most important thing is that he’s remembered.

I didn’t know Don Johnson Michaels but I ate lunch near him one time at the Coma Diner. He was eating a tuna fish sandwich (gross) and I was eating salad. In that moment he reminded me of why I eat salad because the tuna fish smelled horrible.

People die. They go missing. Bad things happen. And the most important thing to remember is how they affected your every day life even though you never met them.


I remember one time I was with some friends at Bear’s Biker Bar and Janice, who was wearing a pink cashmere sweater that was way too tight, said, “Marybell, that old creepy guy is ogling you.”

And I looked over and the guy was balding, old, wearing a suspicious trench coat, and there was a line of drool falling down his chin. And that guy was Don Johnson Michaels and I can’t tell you what he meant to my life because I never spoke to him, even though he reproduced my blog in his paper without asking me, but I’ll never forget him because Janice said I should get a restraining order.



Coma Editor Missing, Presumed Dead

By Coma News Staff

Don Johnson Michaels, long-time editor for Coma News Daily has gone missing and is presumed dead, according to those who know him and local authorities.

Michaels, 54, a local reporting legend, was last seen  two weeks ago laughing hysterically as he rode off on one of the ponies belonging to his employer, Davis Montgomery III, publisher of Coma News Daily.

Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib said that Michaels was “likely dead,” but that foul play was not suspected.

A fixture of Coma public life for decades, Michaels touched many residents in a variety of places.

Don Johnson Michaels is editor of Coma News Daily and works on my farm for free on the weekend as part of his compensation package at the newspaper.

Don Johnson Michaels is editor of Coma News Daily and works on my farm for free on the weekend as part of his compensation package at the newspaper.

“He will be forever remembered for his brooding and depressive manner—except at the end there where he apparently went out with a laugh,” Montgomery said.

Michaels left no family behind. His friends plan a private memorial service next week at Bears Biker Bar. They asked that in lieu of flowers, grieving members of the public send cash donations to the Coma News Daily reporter food fund.

Sport Spartans

The Coma Skate Rink will exchange its never-ending 70s disco nightmare of sweat and tears for more classical pain over the next eight weeks.

Twenty tons of dirt and a $10,000 Coma arts grant from the Coma town council will transform the dreary space into a Roman field of war for the original “action-drama” play ‘Colosseum.’

Shane Darvish, who wrote and will direct the production, previously led the Coma Players’ productions of ‘Cats’ and ‘Our Town,‘ although the later was struck by tragedy.

It’s improv that is generally based on Russell Crowe and Spartacus movies and featuring adolescents,” Darvish said about his latest production.

While improv is usually reserved for comedy troupes, Darvish has set his sights higher.

“I said to myself, ‘Darvish what can we do for the children–specifically, non-athlete, non-academic kids?'” Darvish said about the genesis of the production. “They need life skills and there really aren’t any skills more critical to surviving this world than the ability to feign fight sequences in an imaginary colosseum.”


Not everyone was excited.

“I like a good Russell Crowe fight sequence as much as the next guy but the way I see it you either do sports or you are a nerd,” said Jax Owen, a local parent. “No one needs a coliseum for some kind of non-athletic non-nerds and the idea that they’d be entertaining is laughable.”

Darvish’s future plans for the coliseum include a possible turn as a puppet theater which is a contingency of his arts grant.

“Hopefully we can move my peaceful puppeteers into this thunderdome-like coliseum–once my puppeteers learn to keep from forcing themselves on their puppets, of course,” Mayor Dave Anderson said.

Coma Cares the Most

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson, formerly overqualified Stand Up Comedian
How’s a guy or gal to make an honest buck in this day and age?
As a public servant  I’m always on the lookout for ways that both businesses and their employees can thrive.

That’s why I was excited to discover the innovation of corporate panhandling (or cor-paning)–one of the many breakthroughs to be featured at the upcoming PANTECH 2015.

If you’ve ever been asked for cash donations by a store employee while trying to buy the necessities of life, you already know about cor-paning.
But what you may not know is that emerging research has found that in addition to a multi-million dollar tax benefit for companies, cor-paning provides benefits to the individual employee. Studies have found that ordering employees to panhandle for even made up charities increases their self esteem more than even doubling their salary. If fact, the lower the wage of the soliciting employee, the more likely that panhadling is to balloon their sense of self worth into full fledged condescension toward customers unwilling to make cash donations.
These mental health improvements are in addition to a range of physical health benefits also identified in the literature, including improved posture, weight loss and cardiovascular health.

Hopefully, this information will help persuade the Coma businesses that have resisted cor-paning to step up to the plate–for the good of their employees. And business owners, when you do decide to take advantage of all the benefits of cor-paning, ask me for a list of Coma-based charities–many founded and administered by yours truly.
And Coma residents, let’s not forget to support the fundraising of our responsible corporate citizens. Let’s show everyone else that Coma cares most!

Join us for PANTECH and the Coma Convention Center and Grain Elevator!

Buzzards Fall to Tears

By Coma News Staff
The Coma Junior Turkey Buzzards wrestling team lost their third straight meet Saturday amid an outbreak of tears.
Most of Coma’s 5- to 7-year-old wrestlers broke down into tears before, during and after each match, which left them too incapacitated to put up much of a fight, despite coachs’ screaming instructions from three feet away.

Several Coma wrestlers literally fought their way through the crying jags and poured tears onto the faces of their pinned apponents.
“There was a sad lack of double-A takedowns out there today,” said Jax Owen, a T-buzz coach. “We may need to start juicing–by which I mean drinking more juice.”
Most of the members of the visiting Barnesville Buccaneers appeared unfazed by the stress of the competition as they gathered around game pads between matches. However, several matches were called by referees based on stalling penalties as many Barnesville players failed to engage their sobbing opponents.

This wrestler won his match but still cried.

This wrestler won his match but still cried.

“I haven’t seen that many thousand-yard stares since back in ‘Nam,” said Bob Smith-Smith, owner of Bob’s Mart, whose son and also his grandson are on the team.
Despite another team loss, some parents chalked up some personal victories.
“We’ll take the tears over Jimmy’s usual technique of flapping his hands like a humming bird while running away from the other kid,” Sadie Cracker said about her five-year-old.

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1921- Cursed Nursing Home Closes Its Doors

By Coma News Intern and Historian Stan Bargmeyer

The O’Brien Family Nursing Home and Community Center closed its doors in February, 1921 amid growing fears by citizens the retirement home was cursed by evil entities of darkness and death.

nursing home

Rumors about a curse on the facility began following the mysterious and tragic deaths of eight residents within the first three years of operation.

-Jacklyn Severs- Died mysteriously in her sleep at the age of 87.

-Peter Montigue- Died mysteriously in his sleep at the age of 94.

-Richard “Hootie” Davis- Died mysteriously during a nap at the age of 89.

-Clayton Horncraft- Died mysteriously after falling down a flight of stairs at the age of 97.

-Henry R. Prather III- Died mysteriously after choking on a hot dog at the age of 85.

-Bertha Dimwiddle- Died mysteriously following a furnace explosion and fire at the age of 92.

-Mary “Slutty Mary” Dupree- Died mysteriously following a furnace explosion and fire at the age of 101.

-Amos Rivers- Died mysteriously after escaping the nursing home and being run over by a truck at the age of 90.

Concerned about the baffling and unexplained tragedies, Geoffrey O’Brien invited a priest and paranormal expert from the local Coma Catholic church to investigate further. The investigator, Fr. Seamus O’Donnelly, determined the facility was cursed by what was likely a “Demonic Peruvian Deity” that could not be removed by dousing it with a holy water and seltzer concoction since it was the facility that was cursed and not a human being.

Astonishingly, over the next 90 years, everyone who was involved with the operation of the nursing home or the investigation died.


Pet Nudity Banned, Clothing Mandated

By Coma News Staff
Winter is not a good time to be a nudist. It turns out that the Coma Town Council agrees with that notion for both people and pets.
The Town Council banned public nudity for pet mammals during its first meeting of 2015 on Tuesday.
“There are small children being exposed to inflamed animal genitals in a growing number of locations throughout Coma,” Councilwoman Natalie Peters, said about the increasing number of businesses that allow dogs and sometimes other pets.


This dog not only looks cute but is not walking around nude anymore.

Most owners would not face the $1,000 fines for violating the pet nudity ban, Peters said, due to the growing trend of pet clothing on dogs in town.
“We wouldn’t let other members of our family walk around naked in public so why should Fido be any different?” said Peters.
The ban followed Peters’ unsuccessful 2014 campaign for the town to convey human and civil rights on pet birds.
Robert MacGuiness, a town crank, questioned why the clothing mandate should apply only to pet mammals.
“I can’t think of anything more sexual than a two-meter-long python slowly wrapping around a woman’s body,” MacGuiness said in testimony before the Council’s vote. MacGuiness went on to describe a whole series of awkwardly sensuous unclothed pets and the testimony found allies in the council. “He’s got a point about snakes.” said Councilman Jax Owen.

This snake is wearing a sweater which seems more appropriate than his usual snake skin.

This snake is wearing a sweater which seems more appropriate than his usual snake skin.

One resident who celebrated the ban was Marlee Bumgartner, who hoped for a boost to her struggling pet swimsuit clothing line.
“If I don’t sell some of these hounddog hammocks now, I never will,” Bumgartner said.