Archive for: February 2015

1902- Meat Wetter Invented in Coma

by Coma News Intern and Historian Stan Bargmeyer

Many people know that Coma is home to the popular protein-infused beverage, Liquid Ham, but what most people don’t know is that Liquid Ham was originally called MeatJuice and was the result of the invention of the world’s first meat wetter.

The meat wetter was invented in Coma in 1902 by postal worker Samuel K. Newman. Newman was looking for a convenient way to extract juice from his favorite meats. After several years of development and more than three dozen prototypes, the meat wetter was born.

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ABOVE: Newman’s drawing of the original meat wetter.

The device resembled a kettle or tea pot with holes in the bottom. The kettle was perched on a special “liquid drip chamber.” By heating the kettle, adding water and applying pressure, the sweet nectar of the meat was released down the chamber and into a “dry basin” where it was transferred to cups or fancy drink ware.

Newman later bottled the beverage and began selling it as “MeatJuice” and later, “CowMeatJuice” before selling the company to Arthur Linscomb, the founder of Liquid Ham.

ABOVE: Newman marketed his invention through an aggressive ad campaign demanding people purchase his invention.

ABOVE: Newman marketed his invention through an aggressive ad campaign demanding people purchase his invention.

Although only a few dozen meat wetters were sold world wide, the invention did help spawn one of the most popular sports drinks for people who like prefer to drink pork.

Newman died in 1938 after suffering a massive heart attack.

 

Where Do the Missing Go?

The following is an excerpt of a blog by a local resident and business woman reproduced as a community service of Coma News Daily.

Rejected-Nancy-Drew-Bondage

Where Do the Missing Go?
Marybell Davis

When Mayor Dave Anderson me (ed: proprietor of Coma’s only private detective agency) to figure out the mystery of what happened to Don Johnson Michaels, former editor of Coma News Daily, it went sonething like this:
Mayor: Where’s this Don guy?
Me: Isn’t he dead? I thought there was a memorial service.
Mayor: No we just don’t know where he is, Marybell, and since the sheriff is lame we need the only private detective in town to solve this super important mystery.

And then my landlord, aka, Dad, was like, “Is this a paying job? You’re taking it, Marybell.”

So, here I am after months of really amazing investigations into the stuff that really matters in life but that don’t pay so well, having to take my first paying gig.

So, I pushed past the deep ick factor this guy Micheals put out when he was around and got serious for a minute.
What happened to Don Johnson Micheals and why did we have a memorial service and news reports about his supposed death if he isn’t dead?
These were pretty deep questions and I knew right away that I’d need the help of the internet.
First, I googled “what is death”– TIP– do NOT google that. Ever. And definitely don’t click the images. Gross.
So, then I thought maybe some other old, poet- people may have written something about death could help me find this guy.
Emily Dickinson popped up. Have you guys ever seen this lady? Weird selfie. She has a poem *BORING* called ‘After Great Pain, a formal feeling comes.’ I was so confused. A formal feeling? Like dressed in a tuxedo? Like “Hello, I am Mr. Pain?

This is Emily Dickinson in an early selfie with one of her friends. Her friend doesn't look happy at all probably because she is cold with a formal feeling.

This is Emily Dickinson in an early selfie with one of her friends. Her friend doesn’t look happy at all probably because she is cold with a formal feeling.

Luckily the poem is short and I liked this part:
This is the Hour of Lead –
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow –
First – Chill – then Stupor – then the letting go

And then I got it because I took some english poem classes. Don Johnson Michaels and that horse he road off on are probably freezing in the snow because it’s like zero degrees in Coma.
I remember one time my boyfriend broke up with me and I stood outside his house for so long crying I got frostbite.

And I get it. After pain comes a formal feeling like frostbite. It hurts a lot.

I still am on the case of the missing dead editor but I’m going to count this as another mystery at least partially solved. If you miss someone and stand out in the cold for a long time watching them you are going to get frostbite. Emily Dick(gross)inson discovered that a long time ago and now we know it.

Wine Wednesday: Coma Vintages Slosh the State

By Coma News Daily Staff
Coma wineries landed five of the 30 gold medals served up in the 2015 Governor’s Funnel Wine Competition.
All of Coma’s gold winners, announced today, came from the exceptional 2012 vintage of farms owned by Coma News Daily publisher Davis Montgomery III.
Here they are:

-Drunken Pony Winery 2012 Meritage
-Pool Boy Cellars 2012 Tannat
-Hiddentenements 2012 Petit Verdot
-Dead Grass Spots Vineyard 2012 Meritage
-Swerving Hills Vineyard 2012 Cabernet Franc Reserve Cabernet Franc

The Semillion Shagdonnay was a 2011 winner created by Jax Owen owner of Jax Used Cars and Jax Organic Bikes. The vintage was pulled from shelves once it was found that it was falsely advertising a "nightly shag-a-thon".

The Semillion Shagdonnay was a 2011 winner created by Jax Owen owner of Jax Used Cars and Jax Organic Bikes. The popular local vintage was retired when the local Grape Hut closed its doors.

These local wines are now among the contenders for the Governor’s Liquor Cabinet  — top 12 wines in the state — and the Governor’s Last Swig — top wine in the state. The cabinet and swig winners will be announced at a gala in the capital Feb. 25.

“The gold medalists from this year’s Governor’s Funnel were selected from 505 entries of both red and white wines, from 57 wineries,” according to the state’s alcohol tourism marketing office.

2014 was a historic showing for Coma in the Governor’s Funnel Competition, with four local wines appearing in the case.

Correction: This story has been updated to remove any reference to the crass retail versions of these vintages, which are on bulk sale this week at both Coma beer and wine sellers.

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

 

[Freecycle Coma] Offer: letters

LOTS of letters…not in a box…in a trash bag…my kids wrote them…I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THIS PAPER LYING AROUND. Wish my kids would start emailing and texting.

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Do not plan to come until tomorrow after the snow has stopped!  If you want these, let me know and I’ll tell you if they are yours…but I won’t give out my address til this blizzard is done! Do not drive on my driveway or walk on my lawn! Just honk your horn and I will throw the bag out as close to the curb as possible.

 

[FreecycleComa] Offer: Perfect gift for a 50 year old’s (or even older) birthday party

This is  a BIG wineglass, with black and white zebra painting on it, rhinestones, boa feathers and it’s packaged nicely in a round tube that opens with snaps.  Aptly named “Wild Child” (that’s me!).

Do not plan to come until tomorrow after the snow has stopped!  If you want them, let me know and I’ll tell you if it’s yours…but I won’t give out my address til this blizzard is done! Do not drive on my driveway or walk on my lawn. Just honk your horn and I will walk out to your car with this amazing wine glass. I would throw it out to you but it’s BREAKABLE. Do not walk on my lawn.

This is a picture of me with the wine glass before I made it really pretty with stencils I purchased at Crafts a Plenty. This glass is big. Even if you are 50 and your eye sight is going you CANNOT LOSE THIS WINE GLASS.

This is a picture of me with the wine glass before I made it really pretty with stencils I purchased at Crafts a Plenty. This glass is big. Even if you are 50 and your eye sight is going you CANNOT LOSE THIS WINE GLASS.

 

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it — NO BODILY FLUIDS ON THIS COUCH (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler or breast implants [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

 

Gen Y Me

Editors’ note: The following is the opinion of a Coma resident and does not reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

Bob Smith-Smith
A growing number of people have approached me in recent weeks with some version of “Bob, how does an old dog like you reach these crazy young people today?”

It’s honestly a question I’ve struggled with since my establishment, Bob’s Mart, recently moved to only employ Millenial cashiers.

The answer is as simple as it is complex. As a proud lifelong member of the “Baby Boom” generation responsible for things like bra burning, medical advances that allow seeming immortality, and never-ending rules to try to keep the knuckleheads of this town from hurting themselves, I’ve realized some hard truths. For instance, our never-ending desire to work may have cost countless marriages and led innumerable children to grow up without parents but the flip side is we have so much professional know-how to share and have gathered the retirement savings necessary when you live forever.

megeneration

This personal drive to contribute has other dark sides, like keeping boomers from seeing when we’re not wanted or needed. Case in point, my first wife, Allie, who started the business with me won’t accept that its time for her to retire and make room for my new wife Claudia, who is 24 and recently gave birth to my 7th child, Hector.

I’m so proud of Claudia but she’s a great example of a younger generation that appears more comfortable in social media than in a “bor-ring” job.

Answer: Make them work together. There’s nothing like close, interpersonal interaction to help people realize their potential.

I’ll admit it’s been slow going and the main subject of communication between my two star employees appears to be sharing the things that annoy me, but hope springs eternal that a young supple worker bee will soon find her job groove while the other will soon buzz off for good.

So stop by Bob’s Mart, where the air may be full of my dirty laundry but your cart will be full of savings.

CBA Combine ID’s Hot Prospects

By Coma News Daily Staff
Who’s hot in the basement?
We have a better idea this week after the Coma Basement Association’s (CBA) long-awaited combine.
Standout prospects at the annual event to assess potential teammate’s for the CBA draft next week included  Chase Donovan, whose hand-eye coordination impressed the league’s assembled coaches.
“We’re looking for switch players who can comfortably bounce back and forth between various video game platforms and old school events like ping pong, so Chase’s combination of finger dexterity and an ability to stand up shows potential,” said Jax Owen, head coach for last year’s CBA defending champions, the Digital Ballers.

Basement-small
The county-wide league of combined basement-based sports marked its fifth anniversary this winter. This season will feature several new European-themed events for teams to compete in, including foam-covered PVC pipe-sword fencing.
“It’s a wee bit more like wacking each other with broad swords than it is  fencing,” said Robert McGuiness, the league’s first openly Scottish coach. “But the name gives it a bit of class.”
Whatever you call it, the latest event is likely to burn off plenty of insane winter-time kid energy, which is why the league exists in the first place.
“This league literally saved my life last winter,” said Sadie Cracker, a Coma mother of two young boys. “The boys seem to like it, as well, I guess.”

Green Weddings Plan to Sprout

By Coma News Daily Staff

The newest wedding planning service in town hopes to make “going green” the easiest, funnest, and most sustainable choice around.

Three Green sisters launched their event planning business, Green with Envy, to coincide with the many green-themed events  for the coming season: St. Patrick’s Day!

There's nothing better than a wedding that combines the hottest trends: green, drinking and of course getting married!

There’s nothing better than a wedding that combines the hottest trends: green, drinking alcohol and of course getting married!

How can Coma residents add more green elements to their weddings and other big events without sacrificing style or elegance? Simple steps include brides adding a green leprechaun hat to their ensemble or carrying mugs of green beers as they process down the church aisle.

“Every part of a wedding has green-friendly options worth considering, and, there’s a shade of green for everyone,” said Debbie Green. “Whether you incorporate just one or two green elements, or go completely green from the silk of your dress to the food you serve, remember that every green choice makes a difference.”

Why go green in the first place?

Going green has environmental, social, and economic benefits.

The environmental benefits are primarily about beautifying your surroundings.

“Who doesn’t like the color green?” Erica Green said. “Unless you’re talking about gangrene, someone being green around the gills, green mold growing in your fridge, comic book violence, glowing green toxic sludge, venomous snakes, and probably some other stuff.”

The Greens feel pretty good about prospects for their new endevour, which followed failed landscaping, painting and bike repair businesses.

“If we just get a few of the 2.5 million U.S. weddings each year that spend an average of $30,000, we’ll be rolling in the green stuff,” said Mary Green.

Wanted: News Leader

Have you ever sought to shine the bright light of public knowledge on the world of the powerful? Have you ever lived out of your car at a highway rest stop? Do you seek the power of life and death over other human beings but we’re unable to pass the Sheriff’s background check or psychiatric exam?

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Then consider joining a family of focused, hard-working, creative and intelligent people who take pride in their work at Coma News Daily. Our team members have backgrounds in painting, dance, literature, mime-ing, grassroots politics, pan handling, jello wrestling, sports, and high tech stalking—on top of other more relevent experience.
Most of us are passionate about the categories our brands cover, while others are frankly just punching the clock. But what we are all passionate about is Coma and doing our part to building the best print and internet radio news source for a community that is challenging, awkward, grumpy and probably doesn’t deserve us. Coma News Daily needs a rock-ribbed editor with the intestinal fortitude and bladder health necessary to handle the 24/7 rigors of small town reporting. Other helpful, but certainly not required, attributes include mental stability and a functioning moral compass.

Requirements: graduate journalism degree, 10-18 years of hard news reporting
Benefits: barn-based group housing
Compensation: editing the news
Contact: comanewsdaily@gmail.com