Tag: business

Supporters Crushed by Grape Hut Closure

grape hut exterior

By Coma News Staff

A Campaign to prevent closure of the Grape Hut was stomped out this week after the owner announced the restaurant’s closure.

Grape Hut, Coma’s only drive-thru fast food grape restaurant, will close its doors for good at the end of the month, said Micah Horncraft, the restaurant’s owner.

Horncraft cited dwindling sales, a sluggish economy and “grape fatigue,” as the likely causes behind the failure of the business, which opened opened seven months ago.

“It says a lot about our current economic situation when a restaurant specializing in grapes can’t stay in busines of the s for even a year,” Horncraft said.

Leaders of a campaign to keep the grape purveyor operational included Jax Owen, owner of Big O Moonshine & Wine, who bought the unsold daily surplus from the restaurant to create his award-winning local wine.

“This is probably it for Hot Rod Merlot,” Owen said. “You can’t steal grapes this cheap.”

grape hut drive thru

Above: Grape Hut business thrived early on with nearly seven customers per day. Sales have since declined sharply

Another supporter of the fruit purveyor, Chase Donovan , said the restaurant’s loss will leave a void that is hard to fill.

“Ever since Eggs-To-Go burned down last year, the grape store has been our fall back car-pelting ammunition store,” said Donovan, a Coma News Daily intern. “You haven’t seen pissed off until you nail a dude in a convertable with a fistful of grapes.”

Horncraft said the business will close its doors for good next Sunday.  While disappointed, Horncraft said he’s already thinking about his next business venture.

“I love buffet-style restaurants but I never have time to go to one,” he said.  “I want to make the world’s first drive-thru all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant.”



Double Take Offers Premier Celebrity Lookalikes at Affordable Prices

The following is a paid advertisement

by Micah Horncraft, Founder and CEO, Double Take, LLC

Double Take is celebrating its three-month anniversary! In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last 90 days, Double Take is Coma’s premier, full-service celebrity impersonators agency.  We feature more than 40 celebrity lookalikes and are adding more every week!

Double Take 1

ABOVE: Advertisement for Double Take, Coma’s newest celebrity lookalike agency

Do you have an upcoming ribbon-cutting ceremony?  Or maybe a car wash fundraising event?  Need to inject some cache into your next PTA meeting? Let Double Take find a celebrity lookalike for your event and be prepared to be wowed.

Don’t believe me?  See below for some real-life testimonials from real-life clients…


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ABOVE: Anderson Cooper celebrity lookalike, Milar Mlynar wows guests at a recent corporate event

“People were completely freaking out all over the place because they thought that guy from CNN was actually at our mandatory company event. I was surprised he had such a thick European accent, but otherwise, I think most people had a hard time believing it WASN’T Anderson Cooper.”

– Rory Shields, Office Manager, Genesystems, Inc.


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ABOVE: Christian Bale lookalike, Dennis Hornbuckle (center) mingles with guests at Coma Chamber of Commerce’s Summer Mixer

“It was like hanging out with Bruce Wayne at a Chili’s for two hours.  I was a little nervous at first because he asked me if I had any weed or something stronger. But outside of him getting a little touchy with some of the female guests and the fact he walked out on his bill, he was a spot-on impersonator and our guests had a great time.  For the record, a few of the guests thought he was supposed to be Michael Caine.  But, it all worked out in the end.”

– Sylvia Strong, President, Coma Chamber of Commerce


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ABOVE: A piece of metal painted to look like a robot (left) served as the C3PO lookalike at a recent ribbon-cutting ceremony.

“The children really enjoyed having one of their favorite Star Wars characters on hand. There was also this guy dressed in a black cowboy hat and black leather jacket. We thought maybe he was supposed to be Chewbacca or Darth Vader, but we weren’t sure.  Other than that, it seemed like it was worth the fifty dollars to hire the C3PO impersonator.”

– Gary Buecher, Manager, Coma Employee Credit Union

And those are just a few of the happy customers we have served in our first few months of operation.  You could be our next happy customer! Contact Double Take, LLC today and find out how we can help you create an unforgettable experience for your customers, coworkers or friends!


Artifacts: Corporate Bigfoot

Coma Bigfoot 04 26 16

Local Teen Launches New Smart Phone App

by Coma News Staff

Coma teen and entrepreneur Chase Donovan launched his latest entry into the world of hi-tech services and solutions this week. Titled “Yeah, That’ll Fit”, Donovan’s latest venture helps people determine if the box they want to use to store stuff in will fit the items they wish to store.

Available from the app store for both Android and iOS devices, “Yeah, That’ll Fit” allows users to take a photo of a box and a photo of the items they are hoping to fit inside the box and upload them through the app. The photos are then reviewed and the app will inform the user whether those items are likely to fit inside the box.


“We’re taking the guess work out of fitting crap inside boxes,” Donovan said about his new app. “I’m hoping this app does for packing what Uber did for taxi cabs and stuff.”

While Donovan admitted there are still some bugs that need to be worked out, the application does work as intended. In some instances, the app requests additional detail such as the dimensions of the box and the total volume of the items a user is hoping to place inside it.

“It’s all a math game, bruh,” Donovan said. “It’s some simple calculations. But sometimes…man…people just have a terrible sense of spatial reasoning.”

The app already has one successful and prominent user; Mayor Dave Anderson. Anderson remarked at a recent press conference that he has used the app several times and found it to be “kind of helpful.”

“It was a little awkward at first,” Anderson admitted. “After answering a bunch of questions, the app finally suggested I just try putting everything in the box and if it fit, then I’d know the answer.”


ABOVE: A helpful tutorial walks users through the three simple steps

Donovan said he is trying “to take shit over” and plans on additional app releases in 2017.

“We’re just getting started, so…we gonna blow up,” Donovan said. “We’re going to do this bigger than Google or Amazon.”

As of this writing, “Yeah, That’ll Fit” had more than 20 downloads on the iTunes app store. The app sells for $6.99.

Recent Bigfoot Sighting Leaves Coma Business Leaders Shaken

As rare as it is to see a “bigfoot” or “sasquatch” in the wild, coming across one in the business world is even more unlikely and can be just as startling.  Just ask Senior Vice President of Sales at Coma United Financial Services, Mark Taylor, who claims he encountered a bigfoot at a shareholders meeting in January.

“The meeting started off pretty routine,” Taylor said.  “Then we got to the part about quarterly dividends and in walks this giant, hairy son-of-a-bitch.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  He approached the front of the room and went into a rather long lecture on how dividends were down and that it might be time to consider a new strategy. At least I thought that’s what he was saying.”

Taylor was not the only witness to the incredible event.  Several shareholders who had managed to stay awake until that point in the meeting corroborate Taylor’s story.

“He talked for about 40 minutes and then fielded some questions from the shareholders,” said Gene Page, an executive assistant who was there to take minutes.  “He mostly answered with a series of grunts and growls so you kind of had to piece it together, but for the most part he didn’t shy away from any of the tough questions.”

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According to local Cryptozoology expert, Micah Horncraft, such encounters are incredibly rare, but add credibility to decades of accounts regarding what are known as “Corporate Bigfoots”.


“These are serious, well-dressed anthropologic creatures with a keen business sense,” Horncraft said of Corporate Bigfoot.  “Most of their business knowledge is based on an economy that trades sticks, leaves and animal droppings, but many of their principles are sound nonetheless.”

Added Taylor, “If I’m being completely honest, I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. But that could be said about any of these meetings. Don’t print that part.”

New Cereal Features Local Resident

wheat cereal 1

By Coma News Staff

Sometimes marketing and branding forgets the common person. But an agri-food conglomerate is looking to change that with the help of a Coma resident.

Hillsbrand Food Company is trial testing a new cereal, Wheat, in the town of Coma to as an alternative to the popular Wheaties breakfast cereal.

“We did a lot of research and found that most Americans, or even humans for that matter, were not actually champions of anything,” said Charles Hogan, vice president of marketing at Hillsbrand Food Company. “To us, Wheaties was targeting maybe the top one-half of one percent of the market. That leaves a huge portion of the market for a competitor.”

Hogan estimated the potential market for Wheat is “whatever one-half of one percent subtracted from one-hundred percent is.”

Using the tag line “Breakfast of Humans,” Wheat is similar to Wheaties and features people on the front of the cereal box. Unlike Wheaties, Wheat cereal features average humans and a handful of D-list celebrities. And at least one Coma resident.

The first box featured Mike Chandler, a 34-year auto salesman recently fired from JAX Used Cars. Chandler, who had DUI convictions in 2002 and 2005, is in the midst of his second divorce and recently filed for bankruptcy.

“I feel I’m good enough to eat their cereal,” Chandler said “ What are my qualifications for being on a cereal box? Well I’m a living human being and they told me the living part is the only qualifier when it comes to eating their cereal.”

Sales for the cereal have languished since the product hit shelves in Coma nearly three months ago, but Chandler is not discouraged.

“I’m no marketing guru but people gotta eat, right?” Chandler said. “They’ll sell, eventually.”