Archive for: June 2017

The Internet and Your Safety

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Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, sprawled out on a fallen tree during a photo shoot last fall for his “The Many Ways Death Can Kill” project

By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy

Since going on line on the computer world nearly three months ago, a lot of citizens have been asking me if it’s safe to be using computers to read news and information and to do other things.  I wanted to take a moment to reassure the citizens of Coma that for the most part, the internet and computers are relatively safe.

Furthermore, it is highly unlikely that a computer or an internet can be used as a violent weapon.  While it is physically possible for someone to wield a personal computer hard drive or a monitor to inflict pain and suffering on another human being, it is no different than a television in that regard.

Therefore, I am rating the internet and/or computer as a six on Dr. Jimmy’s “Object as a Practical Tool of Violence” Meter.  This is slightly higher than a microwave oven and a little less than a manhole cover or denim pants.  For reference sake, an abbreviated version of the meter is included below.


Dr. Jimmy’s Object As A Practical Tool of Violence Meter

10-           Hand grenades, firearms, swords, Katana Samurai swords, cannons, heavy artillery

9-              Broken glass, fireworks, Legos, battery acid, baseball bats (wood)

8-              Bag of batteries, cantaloupe,  saw, hammer, toothbrush whittled to a fine point

7-               BB gun, peanut brittle, baseball bats (aluminum), manhole cover, water (frozen)

6-              Monopoly game pieces, tire iron, internet, scissors, raw spaghetti noodles

5-              Stick, microwave oven, pretzels, rolled up magazine, toaster oven

4-              Traditional Baatwon “Rabies” Stick, keys, lobster claw, 2.5 lb. dumbbell

3-              Captain CrunStickch Cereal, hard boiled eggs, elastic bands,  gloves/mittens

2-              Photographs of horses, cassette tapes, grass clippings, yogurt

1-              Chewed banana, water (unfrozen), hair, letters of the alphabet


Classified: Town of Coma News Seeks Weekend Reporter

Newspaper reporter at typewriter


Are you a hard charger who has to win and doesn’t quit? Then you might be a good match for an opening for a weekend reporter for the Town of Coma News. Breaking news, such as plant abductions and corn maze fiascoes, don’t wait for the regular work week and neither does our award-winning coverage. Candidates with 10-12 years experience preferred but we may consider someone who is new to journalism and willing to grind out an on-the-job education. Candidates with advanced journalism degrees preferred. Duties include some light housekeeping, childcare, meal preparation and adult diaper changing. Please email breakingnews (at) if you are interested in this intense and highly rewarding job. Compensation: Breaking the news.

Queries and Quislings

Queries and Quislings is an advice dispensary offered as a public service of Coma News Daily and the advice is written by Coma News Daily publisher Davis Montgomery III.


Dear Query Guy,
How do I find happiness? When I was young my mom told me to get out of the house and find the little leprechaun who guarded a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But every time I went to find the rainbow it would vanish. When I got older I searched for that leprechaun in other things–stationary bicycles, dark alleys, matching knit sweaters–and I still can’t find it. All I ask is that you help me find happiness and a way to stay happy all the time.
Happy Adventures?



Dear HA,

Where there is laughter there is frequently mirth. But laughter has always been very close to pain–to wit, the court jester’s arrival shortly before Hamlet’s suicide and the playful  romp of miniature miscreants in ‘Game of Thrones’ immediately preceding Joffrey’s poisoning.

In truth, laughter and pain are tightly intertwined.
Does that mean you should amend your odyssey to search for  a bull whip-bearing billionaire midget? No (the combination is highly unlikely and they are notoriously difficult to train).
Instead, I would suggest heeding the advice my sweet petunia always offers when occupants of our tenements wail about their lack of heat in the depths of winter: hit it with a hammer!

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Take your sadness and hit it as hard as you can with a hammer. Hit it again and  again, until you are too exhausted to move and the only thing you can do is laugh.




Timeline of Bans in Coma

11 Coma Ban Decision Tree

By Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic

The recent ban on paper products in Coma is just one of many bans enacted over the past six months.  Some of the more significant ones are listed below:

April 7-  Mugs or cups that depict a graphical representation of love using a heart as opposed to spelling out the word “love”

April 19- Naked salads (salads, including macaroni-style and potato-style lacking appropriate dressing or reasonable sauce of some kind)

May 22- References to “That 70s Show”, “Dude, Where’s My Car?”, Lindsey Lohan movies or other media that glorifies the use of marijuana, alcohol or other mind-altering substances

June 5- Non-dairy whipped topping

June 15- Open containers containing more than five gallons of gasoline may not be set on fire within city limits

June 29- Open sores or wounds of more than 4 cm in length

July 11- Music, spoken-word poetry or miming that deliberately creates “spirit of rebellion” in youth

July 30- Frisbee playing in public places within city limits (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)

July 30- Hanky panky (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)

July 30- Fun Dip and any candy or food item that utilizes an edible device as a form of silverware (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)

August 4- Murder in public places within city limits

August 12- Paper products and items that are comprised of at least 80 percent paper or require paper in their production or require the use of paper in order to function properly

To assist citizens in making good, legal choices, the mayor’s office has issued a helpful cheat sheet for people to use when deciding to undertake an activity.  See above.