by Coma News Daily Staff
In what some experts are calling a “completely insignificant” study, researchers in Coma confirmed yesterday that prehistoric humans did not, at any point, have access to microwave oven technology. The findings were the result of a nearly three-year study conducted by scientists at the Coma Center for Science and Microwave Ovens.
“What we’ve done here, finally, is to place scientific research behind long-held assumptions,” Dr. Jimmy, physician and lead researcher said of the study. “Now when people talk about cave men not being able to heat their food via a microwave oven, they will be speaking from a position of knowledge, research and fact and not ignorant conjecture.”
The Coma Center for Science and Microwave Ovens was established in 2009 as part of a joint research effort between local scientists and the Maytag corporation, who funded the project. Executives at Maytag would not comment specifically on yesterday’s announcement but did suggest the initial grant money to fund the research was not intended to be used in such a manner.
The results of the six-year study were shared with media and local members of the scientific community during a nearly four-hour presentation this week. Dr. Jimmy, who lead the presentation, said he was both surprised and not at all surprised by the study’s findings.
“Going in, I thought, this is a waste of time,” Dr. Jimmy told reporters. “But once we started digging and investigating, I realized, this was an even bigger waste of time than I originally anticipated.”
Among the evidence that supports the study’s findings:
– Prehistoric humans lacked the ability to harness electricity
– Microwave manufacturers did not come into existence until the 20th century
– Instruction manuals and navigating the sometimes complicated settings panel would likely have confounded prehistoric humans, who could not read
Dr. Jimmy said that while this study lacked any real mystery, he is already turning his focus to the next microwave-inspired research project which will answer the age-old question; are microwave ovens real?