Archive for: November 2014

A Pasión for the Holidays

By Coma News Staff
Have you felt a desire to get involved and publicly celebrate the holiday season? Do you love Christmas? Are you a Druid?
If you answered yes to any of those questions then you may want to audition for the Coma Players’ annual “Pasión of the Winter Solstice Christmas Spectacular/Hanukkah Play” this Saturday at the Coma Public Library.
“Bringing all of these important holidays together as a way to let people dress as Persians who bring gifts and celebrate stuff is really important,” said Shane Darvish, director of the Coma Players. “And hopefully this year little Jimmy Cracker won’t set any goats on fire while lighting the Menorah. Let’s burn one thing at a time, people.”

There were multiple injuries at last years Pasión play as many cultures and seasonal greeting celebrations collided on one stage. The donkey got mad at the pagan winter rite tree, while the empty Atheist gift box tussled with the turtle doves from the Twelve Days of Navidad.
The town-funded event has evolved from a Christmas pageant to a celebration of cultural diversity, mainly by renaming the principal characters with Spanish versions of their names, according óto a leading booster and Mexican-American Bob Smith-Smith. His youngest son, Francisco, an infant, will play the lead character Jesús (pronounced Hey-Soose), while his five older children will fill supporting roles.
The event’s past troubles have drawn some criticism.
“We need less cultures colliding,  especially in public,” Town Councilwoman Natalie Peters said.
Peters also noted that the town only recently completed its cleanup from the Coma Players’ last production of Our Town.
“Instead of talking about all the things that tear us apart during this season lets talk about what we have in common, such as Amazon Prime and the Acura Season of Reason,” said Peters.

New Dating Website Offers Romance for Fans of 15th Century Weaponry

By Coma News Staff

After a series of less-than-satisfying dating experiences and trouble finding women who shared his interests, Coma physician and entrepreneur Dr. Jimmy, recently launched a first-of-its-kind dating website for people passionate about 15th century weaponry.

Called, the website resembles and functions much like a standard dating service website with one significant difference; users at Thine Chalice of Love all share a deep passion for weapons, armor and field tactics from the 15th century.

ThineChalice ad

According to Dr. Jimmy, the websites ensures that he and other users are only looking at profiles of people with an affinity for arbalests, crossbows and Franciscas while eliminating the mystery of whether a potential mate has a favorite style of petard or mangonel.

“I got tired of other dating websites that didn’t allow you to quickly identify other lovers of 15th century weaponry,” Dr. Jimmy said. “With Thine Chalice of Love, you know that everybody who is registered and posting knows the difference between a pollax and a bardiche. This saves time for everyone.”

Since the site launched in October, nearly three people have already registered. And while none of the current members are female, Dr. Jimmy is confident that will change once word of the site gets out.

“There are a lot of hot, single women who love 15th century weaponry and want to be in a committed relationship,” Dr. Jimmy said. “Secretly, I believe most women like a man who knows a thing or two about medieval blades and battle axes. It’s sexy. Sexy sells.”

Dr. Jimmy said some of the initial issues the website faced was the fact that all three male members used the word Longswordsman in their member name, which caused some confusion among users. Since that time, two of the members have changed their username and each user now has a clear and unique handle.

The website is hosting a live meet-up at the end of the month at a location to be determined but Dr. Jimmy hopes the event, which features collections of real swords, fauchards and glaives will appeal to “hot and horny women from all over Coma.”

“People told me this was a dumb idea because Coma isn’t big enough to support a dating website catering specifically to lovers of medieval weapons and armory,” Dr. Jimmy said. “Those people are going to feel pretty dumb when I start bedding fine, hot women all over town.”


Local Author’s Latest Book Explores Reading


By Coma News Staff

Coma author Dee Collins celebrated the release of her latest children’s book this week at a book signing at the Coma Post Office. Titled “Boy with Ham Hands Reads Harry Potter,” the book tells the story of Owen as he reads a Harry Potter book over the course of an afternoon.

Owenbook1 publish

According to Collins, the book has a message for children of all ages.


“I think a lot of people are afraid to read because it’s sort of this strange, mysterious thing,” the author and founding member of the ‘Coma Players’ said. “I wanted to write a book that demonstrates that reading is actually not very mysterious and anyone can do it.”


In the book, Owen finds himself alone on a rainy afternoon. The young boy tries to watch TV but his ham-hands prevent him from using the remote control. The boy tries to text and use his iPhone but his ham hands impede him from texting or snapchatting.  Frustrated, he picks up a Harry Potter book and begins reading it. The final 46 pages of the children’s book show Owen sitting in different positions on his couch reading.

owenbook2 publish

At one point, Owen gets hungry and decides to make a snack. After not being able to find anything suitable, the boy begins to devour his own ham-hands.


Some early reviews posted on the author’s website have been less-than-flattering to Collins’ latest effort. According to a review by Coma resident, Bob Smith-Smith, the book “bleeds misplaced sentimentality for a by-gone era.” Plus, Smith-Smith says, it’s “extremely tedious.”


“There are more than 40 pages that simply states any minor adjustment this kid makes on the couch,” Smith-Smith said in his review. “And don’t even get me started on the macabre nature of him eating his own hands.”


Collins said criticism comes with the territory but she is confident children will take to the book because of the painstaking detail and realism.


“When you finish reading this book you will feel like you spent an entire afternoon on the couch reading a Harry Potter book and eating your own hands,” Collins said. “What could be better than that to teach the love of reading versus using electronic devices?”


“Boy with Ham Hands Reads Harry Potter” goes on sale next Tuesday at Bob’s Grocery store next to the ipod section.




If You Try Really Hard, You Can Make Thanksgiving Memorable

By Coma News Intern Stan Bargmeyer

My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is to create real-to-life edible portraits of family and friends.

When your guests sit down at your Thanksgiving table and see their reflection staring back at them on a plate-  it will be worth the many hours you poured into creating these intimate and sobering caricatures.

Below are directions for you to make your own edible portraits. This can all feel a little overwhelming at first, like shampooing your hair for the first time or listening to songs on the radio. But with a tremendous amount of effort, perseverance and dedication, you too can reap the rewards of creating a most memorable Thanksgiving tradition.


PREPARATION TIME: 17 – 39 hours

  1. You will need sliced bread, ketchup and a photograph of a loved one

Edible Portrait 2

  1. Lay the bread out on a flat, even surface
  2. The bread is basically your “canvas”
  3. The ketchup is basically your “paint”
  4. By studying the photograph, use the ketchup to create an accurate portrait of your loved one
  5. Try your best to capture your loved one’s spirit, essence and soul
  6. Place completed portrait on a plate and set in front of loved one’s assigned seat at the table
  7. You’re done!

Edible Portrait 1

Your guests are likely to pay you lots of compliments like “Hey, why is there a piece of bread with ketchup on it sitting on the table?” and “What the hell is this?” Once you explain to them what it is they are looking at and how many hours you spent getting it just right, they will be flabbergasted and grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Podcast: Be Good, Beware, Be Newsworthy!

The paper ban in the small Town of Coma forces Coma News Daily to read the news to their loyal subscribers.

Including an opening statement from reporter Robert McGuinness (not an alcoholic), a look at the Classifieds, stories about Coma History and Living, as well as upcoming compensation changes at Coma News Daily.

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Wave Election for Hugs Party

The balance of power on the Coma Town Council has shifted toward interpersonal contact, as the new party Organizing for Hugs (OH) was swept into power.
Jax Owen, the OH leader, unseated longtime Councilman Bob Smith-Smith in a hotly contested race for the third seat on the town’s governing body.
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson, unaffiliated, and Councilmember Natalie Peters, founder of the Party for People too Poor to Party (4P), were easily re-elected.
“We touched a lot of people during the campaign and pretty soon we’re gonna touch this whole town,” Owen said about his still-vague legislative plans.
Owen’s suggestion of cooperation across party lines did not sit well with at least one fellow member of the Town Council.
“He better keep his grubby hands to himself,” Peters said.
Despite the electoral upheaval, Anderson said he hopes to largely continue the town’s previous legislative direction with plans to introduce proposals early next year for several new bans and “revenue enhancements”.  “Let’s get stuff done about stuff in this town,” Anderson said.
But until that occurs Anderson will do some soul searching of himself as he wonders “why am I not good enough to have someone running against me?”.

A New Beginning

The following piece represents the opinion of a citizen of the Town of Coma but does not represent the views of Coma News Daily.

Robert Smith-Smith, former Town Council member

My time in elected office has come to an abrupt end and I have had to unexpectedly open a new chapter in the Book of Bob.
I briefly wondered what I would even call this new stage in my life.
Well, today I have that answer.
For so many years our town’s hardware, beer and grocery stores have been filled with old people looking to communicate with anyone while incidentally operating a cash register.
Successful as this arrangement has been at fostering protracted conversations among senior citizens in the checkout lines throughout the town’s stores, something has been missing.
Sure, you can find out why your fellow senior is purchasing more prunes than usual or which sore appendage is acting up these days. But less and less is known about how our adolescent and young adult residents are faring.

Would you like a quit ironic snapchat with your egg purchase? A Bob's Mart cashier will help you out.

Would you like a quick ironic snapchat with your egg purchase? A Bob’s Mart cashier can help you out.

Our town’s seniors have almost limitless numbers of lessons and observations to share with our town’s youth but how can we hope to pin down youngsters long enough to share these insights?
The answer my friend is blowing in the wind (gonna share that with a millenial) at your local grocery store. My establishment, Bob’s Mart, has decided to employ only young people at our checkout counters.
No longer will a cashier at my grocery store talk with you about subjects you already know all about, like bunyons or his hair loss. Instead, cashiers at Bob’s Mart will give you real time spoken updates of their Twitter status about #poop, detail their latest Tinder hook up, snapchat your groceries, or discuss their online gamer rankings. And in exchange you can impart the wisdom of your years. Every last bit of which will be ignored by a millennial whose face stares at the iPhone screen mindlessly updating social media about the kind of socks they are wearing and now Norm-core they are and how their head hurts from trying to drink a mountain dew while doing a handstand.

While you wait to check out.
So enjoy the new Bob’s. I know I will.

Local Used Car Salesman “Better than that Crappy QB” Playing for Bears

By Coma News Staff

Local used car salesman and pee wee football coach, Jax Owen, admitted to friends this weekend that he was “so much better than that crappy QB” currently playing for the NFL’s Chicago Bears.

Owen, who played football at Coma High School from 1997 – 1999, made the bold statement in the first half of Sunday night’s game between the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers in which the Bears fell behind 42 – 0.

According to friends, Owen, a life-long Bears fan, went in to a nearly 10-minute monologue about how he was better than current Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and, if given the chance, could help the Bears be a far more successful professional football team.

“Jax said that even though he’s never played quarterback at any level of competitive football during his lifetime.  If inserted into the Bears’ offense he would immediately improve the Chicago Bears.” Micah Horncraft, who was present during Owen’s rant, said.

Chicago Bears v San Francisco 49ers

Jax Owen claims he would be “at least ten times better than that piece of shit Cutler (above)” if given the chance to lead the Chicago Bears’ offense.


“Being a quaterback is not that hard,” Owen said. “I would just throw it up to Marshall or Jeffery every time ‘cause those guys can go make a play on the ball. I mean, come on.”

Owen said he played offensive line in high school and has played catch with friends as recently as this weekend. Owen added that with the big receivers playing in the NFL today, anybody could play quarterback as long as you don’t throw interceptions.

The Bears lost to the Packers 55 – 14. As of press time, Owen said he has not been contacted by the Bears organization but “they know where to find me.”