Archive for: June 2015

Mayor Launches Investigation

By Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week that he will ask the Coma Police Department to look in to the mysterious disappearance of a Steve’s Quality Burrito’s “El Guapo” one-pound burrito.

The Mayor claims he purchased the burrito after work last Wednesday and was only able to finish about one-third of the shredded-beef filled Mexican delicacy. He brought it to work the next morning an intended on eating for lunch. When he returned at approximately 11:45 a.m., the burrito was reportedly missing.

giant burrito

ABOVE: Steve’s Quality Burrito’s signature “El Guapo” boasts more than a pound of fillings including frozen shredded beef, rice, beans, quacamole and cheese and small animals

“They only use the best frozen, seasoned, all-natural beef,” Anderson said of the burrito. “I get why someone would want it for themselves, but still, it sucks that they stole it.”

Anderson did a search of the break room and several neighboring businesses when he discovered his lunch was missing.  Anderson then followed up by stopping by multiple offices and cubicles, asking employees if they had seen a giant burrito filled with the freshest ingredients, including Spanish rice and homemade guacamole.  Anderson asked a few of his co-workers if he could check their trash cans, believing no one could finish the nearly two-thirds of a pound burrito in one sitting.

“Whoever it was was one hungry SOB,” Anderson said. “People think they can eat that sucker in one sitting but they underestimate the beans.  The beans in that thing will get you.  Sooner or later, the beans get everybody.”

Anderson, who spent nearly $9 on the burrito, said he hoped to avoid involving law enforcement but as the weekend came and went without any indication of a replacement burrito or even a note of apology, Anderson said he had little choice but to call in forensic experts and law enforcement officials to look into the matter further.

“We will get to the bottom of this,” the Mayor said.  “Years from now, when I’m no longer Mayor of this fine community, I want people to look back on my tenure and say ‘that dude didn’t let people go around stealing burritos.’ That may even be my epitaph.”

Law enforcement officials declined to comment and only confirmed the mayor had made an official complaint.

Podcast: Enter the Spray Tan


It’s 80 degrees and stormy in Coma. Don’t you ever wonder where all the wind comes from? It’s like there’s a bunch of giant fans blowing wind in Asia or something. This is Coma News Daily.

With updates from local townspeople including Coma News Daily Future News Reporter, Thomas Steven John. This week our host is Coma’s own Private Dick (gross) Marybell Davis and her friend Hope who you might remember from the Coma Christmas Special as the “girl throwing up in the parking lot of Bear’s Biker Bar”.

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Paper Ban to Blame in Post Office Closure

Special Feature by  Robert McGuiness, Former Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic

Coma town officials announced yesterday that the Coma post office is closing its doors effective immediately.  Officials would not elaborate on the reasons for the sudden and dramatic decision that will leave many residents without a convenient way to send mail, packages or other items.  Several sources claim the move came after the post office has suffered dramatic drops in business since the recent ban on paper products took effect.

“People mail some weird stuff,” Coma Postmaster, Steve Simmons, said.  “Once we stopped using cardboard boxes and fancy envelopes, people stopped using the mail.

Simple decision tree explains the newest ban in Coma.

Simple decision tree explains the bans in Coma.

Initially, postal workers attempted to utilize creative measures to find alternatives to using standard paper-based shipping containers, including hemp, knitted envelopes and duct tape, but found such efforts time consuming and expensive.

“It’s messed up,” said Coma resident Stan Bargmeyer, a member of a monthly spaghetti-exchange-by-mail club.  “What am I going to do now?  How am I going to get my spaghetti?  You can’t mail spaghetti all by itself.  It gets very, very messy.”

Bargmeyer isn’t alone.  One unidentified resident said they stopped using the post office altogether following the ban on paper because much of what they mail was described as “personal.”

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said, “while the closure is unfortunate, it will force citizens to be resourceful and look for new means by which to communicate with each other.”

“We’re already looking into other technologies like electronic mail,” said Anderson.  “My hope is that by the end of next year, our post office will be re-opened and focused entirely on delivering mail electronically.”

Citizens who wish to mail one last time have until 6 p.m. this Friday to do so.

In Memoriam: He was a Good Swimmer

As a service to the community Coma News Daily will occasionally publish touching tributes or memorials. Please feel free to post your own memories of George, even if you did not know him, on Facebook and Twitter.


George McGuire July 12, 1942 – June 19, 2015

He was a good swimmer.

George, my love, God took you in the best way possible; in the pool you loved so much right near the wet bar you installed two summers ago. It was most difficult for me to see you floating like that but in the same way I know it’s just what you would’ve wanted. I miss you every day. The house is empty of your clothes now that I took them to the dump. I will always love you until we meet again. Hopefully, there are pools in heaven.


Your loving wife, Pat


In lieu of flowers Pat McGuire is requesting that you send money to the life guard program at the Coma Public Pool c/o the Coma Rec Center– let’s clean out the strange smell from the pool summer initiative.

For Sale: Really Nice Computer


Breaks my heart but I am putting my Dell computer up for sale. I’m not familiar with computer language so I don’t know what to say about it other than it’s really nice. It’s only one year old give or take seven years. The enter key is busted off so now the whole computer is practically worthless. I am not a tech savvy guy but did try to nail the enter key back on. That didn’t seem to help. Willing to sell it for parts for $1050 since I am still on a Dell payment plan. When I originally purchased the computer it was $3400 so this is a great deal. Would sell for $500 if you included some books on how computers work.


Contact Jim at townofcoma at

Believing is Seeing (Fashion)

By Coma News Staff

The first -ever Coma Outdoor Camouflage Children’s and Animal Fashion Show was an under-the radar success, according to organizers.

The show, which featured more than 25 models and 40 designs, launched a new fashion line for children and pets by Dee Collins, a longtime Coma resident.

“I guess the fashions were good,” Dr. Jimmy, a Coma physician, said of the nearly 90 minute program. “There was a lot of movement and noises up around the stage and then people started clapping a lot.”

Collins, who worked on the fashion line as a side project to her successful screenwriting career, said she was thrilled with the turnout and the response her designs received from onlookers.

“They seemed to like what they could see,” Collins said.  “A few times, I had to stand near a model and point, and a few times they applauded when there was no model on stage, but overall I think it was a huge success.”


wilderness backdrop

Above: several models show off Collins’ new line of camouflage fashion.


Some attendees had a different opinion.

“It was like a scene from Predator,” said Jax Owen, a used car salesman and politician. “There was this blurry movement and the sound of an animal or a baby shrieking, but with the trees and bushes it was really hard to make heads or tails of anything. I’m not ashamed to admit I was kind of scared there for a while.”

The line, which Collins calls “Surviving In the Woods With Style; Fall Collection” will go on sale next week at the Coma Landmine Tours and Museum gift shop.

“It’s clothing that says ‘Yes, I’m a pet or child who wants to hide from prey or predators but I also want people to see I have a keen fashion sense,'” she said.


Rock Produced Great ‘Citizens’

By Stan Bargmeyer, Intern and Coma historian

Coma’s first rock band, the Citizens, performed it’s first concert in front of the local Elks lodge in 1952.

The band, which sang primarily about the commendable accomplishments of local public servants, was a local example of the brief respectful stage of rock and roll.


Bill “the librarian” Simmons, Russell “taxman” Crowe, Zeke “park ranger” Wallbanger, George “zoning administrator” Timmons, and Henry “dirty tongue” Jones sit together at a table after a ‘gig’.

In their biggest hit, “Resolved,” the Citizens extolled the virtues of a retiring Coma fireman.

A sample of their “hep” lyrics:

WHEREAS, his retirement follows 25 years of faithful and dedicated service to the town and its citizens;

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED by the Commission of the Town of Coma, and all members elected thereto concurring:

In recognition and appreciation of the public service of James D. Grieling as Fireman and ambulance driver with the Fire Department,

this Commission tenders its unanimous and respectful tribute by this Resolution.
this Resolution
this Resolution

The five members of Citizen, Bill “the librarian” Simmons, Russell “taxman” Crowe, Zeke “park ranger” Wallbanger, George “zoning administrator” Timmons, and Henry “dirty tongue” Jones left Coma on a 1953 world tour organized by Jones and were never seen again.

Sun Protection Banned for Safety

By Coma News Daily Staff
What is the only force more reliable then the burning rays of a hot June day? That would be the banning power of the Coma Town Council.
The council passed emergency legislation to address the newly identified crisis of sub-par sun protection by banning all sun glasses and sun screen sales in Coma.
The latest bans stemmed from the American Medical Association’s recent votes to highlight the national health crisis of poorly performing sun block and sunglasses.

“In a world of spreading SARS, Ebola, bird flu, dengue fever, and bicycling, it’s a relief that our medical leaders are there to help us cut through the clutter and identify the most dire health threats,” Mayor Dave Anderson said before the council’s vote.
The council’s ban included $50 in subsidies to help Coma residents stock up on more reliable sun protection, such as parasols, floppy garden hats and flowing robes.
The availability of subsidies for homeopathic sun protection–including wall plaster and swarms of bees–will be considered on a case-by-case basis, according to Councilwoman Natalie Peters.
“This is a health crisis, people,” Peters yelled at the three members of the public present for Monday night’s vote.

12 pack coors light

Coors Light Liquid Nitrogen is just one of the many beverages served at the ‘JaxFest’ on Lake Coma.

Council Member Jax Owen, creator of the ‘Hug Club’, missed the vote because he was finalizing preparations for this weekend’s Jaxfest, an annual celebration of sunbathing, swimming, tanning, drinking, sun-worshipping, music and basking at Lake Coma.
Reached for comment by phone, Jax said “It’s gonna be hot–rock hot!”