Archive for: January 2014

Coma Lyrical Society Announces ‘Live Your Life in the Lyrics’ Project

The Lyrical Society of Coma Announces a new project that allows music lovers to live their lives as a song lyric. The first meeting starts tonight at Paddy’s Irish Pub on fifth street. Tonight’s living the lyrics will focus on the widely acclaimed song by artist Justin Timberlake— “I Can’t Drink You Away”.

“We are excited to give people the opportunity to not only hear the lyrics but to live their life by the lyrics in a literal way by doing exactly what the singer says to do.” said Ms. Sadie Cracker, Lyrical Society President, part time mom and bitter lover of men. “This gives people the opportunity to really let go and experience the music for what it is.”

beambottlesJax Owen of Big Owen Moonshine had lobbied to hold the meeting at his own distillery deep in the heart of Coma’s National Forest but the Society declined stating the liability issues that might occur when people are “drinking each other away” in the middle of a dark forest with no clear direction on how to get out.

Jax disagrees, “There’s nothing more badass than some dark woods, moonshine and a song about being left behind with booze. As long as we have the right mix of women and men everyone will be able to drink away by the end of the night.”

Sadie Cracker said that drinking moonshine would defeat the purpose of literally drinking away to the song.

“The lyrics are ‘I’ve tried Jack, I’ve tried Gin, I’ve tried all of their friends’ and there is no direct reference to moonshine in a dark forest where someone drops you off in a van a drives away leaving you with grain alcohol and some girls in pasties.” says Ms. Cracker. “The whole purpose here is to be literal and true to the lyrics of Justin Timberlake.”

Not the actual Paddy's Pub in Coma. The actual Paddy's Pub is in a warehouse with no sign outside. Please look for the red and blue light on the side of the building for entrance. Code word "Justin".

Not the actual Paddy’s Pub in Coma. The actual Paddy’s Pub is in a warehouse with no sign outside. Please look for the red and blue light on the side of the building for entrance. Code word “Justin”.

It remains to be seen how the journey to live the lyrics will work out. The Society is hopeful that tonight’s meeting will be the first step toward a literal enjoyment of lyrics that coma citizen’s know and love.

Ways You Could Die #1

WAYS YOU COULD DIE- A 40-part series by Dr. Jimmy

As a physician, I am constantly asked about death.  Most people who come to visit me are only concerned about one thing; are they going to die?  A few years ago, I started trying to ease their fears and anxiety by reminding them that even though they will, in fact, be dead one day, it will likely be the result of heart disease or cancer or something fairly common.  That didn’t seem to help.  So I began to describe to them other, horrific ways in which it was possible for a person to meet their demise.  By describing some very real, yet highly unlikely scenarios, it became clear it was a soothing experience for my patience.  Considering all the horrible, painful and incredibly sad ways in which a person could die and then realizing how unlikely it was to happen to them seemed to make them feel better.

Since then, I have gone on to develop a series of circumstance and scenarios that have become part of every patient visit over the last two years.  I am thrilled to share it with you now in a series of vignettes.  I hope it brings you as much comfort as it has to my many patients.


A farmer could hunt you down and drive a pitchfork through your spleen.  He could then drag you to his barn where he would reveal a small hatchet and a head of cabbage.  He would remove your head from your body with a bone saw and then set your head on a bale of hay so that you could watch in horror as he placed the cabbage on top of your neck where your head used to be.  Then he would draw a face on it and kiss it on the cheek.  And the whole time all you could do is watch helplessly because at that point all you would be is a head without a body.  Eventually, you would die of old age in the same barn because he would have never moved you or anything and he would have taken your cabbage-head body inside his home to live with him.  You would just sit on a bale of hay for the next 38 years until you died.

How to Break Up, Get Back With, Break Up and Get Back With Your Ex Using Facebook

By Marybell Davis 25 years old, amazing life lived, awesome blogger of awesome things

It happened again!! LOL!! The same guy you’ve been dating and not dating and dating has broken up with you again.

It shocks me every time I hear this happen to someone else (this never happens to me I am popular LOL).

My sister Anna is married (we all should be!!! we are amazing!!!!) and has kids (how you tie the man down and to child support if you can’t tie him down!!!!!!!!) told me that if a guy leaves you and then gets back with you and then breaks up with you and then comes back and then breaks up with you again he’s probably not the right guy because he doesn’t love you!! LOL!!

Not true. He just doesn’t UNDERSTAND you are the right girl for him even though it’s not working and he doesn’t understand what love is. Love is when you win.

It’s your job to force LOVE and make him understand!

This doesn’t happen to me, mind you, but this has happened to other people I know and that’s why I am blogging to you about it. FML!!!!

lovAn actual rubber band is pictured above. No fingers were injured while taking this photo.

The best way to make him understand that he loves you and he doesn’t realize he loves you, besides stalking him, is to put everything out on Facebook. Here are some tips-

1) Post your pain. Whether it’s a saying written by someone else because you don’t have time to come up with your own sayings or if it’s to post a picture of the bag he made you wear when he was having sex with you. Whatever it takes post your pain without saying it’s your pain but infer it by posting it along with pictures of him. Don’t be honest ever because this isn’t about being honest or having a good relationship. This is about winning!!!

2) Pretend you like everything he is into. Whatever you do DO NOT find your own life. This is key. The way you make a guy love you is by being everything he wants you to be– into football, any sports he likes, the bands he likes, into threesomes. That’s right. Pretend. Once they marry you you can spend the rest of your life letting them know you aren’t the person they thought you were.

3) Only move on to make him jealous. You are in this to win (win=love) someone who doesn’t really want you in the first place. Go all in. Everything you do. Everything you post is about you trying to make him like you. It doesn’t matter if he’s actually the one for you. All you want to do is win someone who doesn’t love you in the first place. Make sure you are always there for him as his doormat, though. No matter how many times he uses you and moves on and calls it being indecisive. You be there waiting because this is how you win!!!


4) Do not unfriend him on facebook. The difficulty becomes what to do if he doesn’t have a facebook? If he doesn’t have a facebook you keep his family as friends so that they can see how amazing your life is and how perfect you are for him when you pretend to like what he likes!!

Make sure you give this your all to win back a guy who will probably break up with you again.

Remember– dating isn’t about what is right and working it is about winning and getting the guy that everyone likes to choose you so he can break up with you. Why spend time trying to find someone who works well with you when you can spend countless hours forcing something that will never work? There are so many men in this world but you only want this one so you can beat all the other girls.

Tune in next week for “people talk” where I tell you verbatim about how amazing people are because they were in my life and wear the right kind of clothes.

For now, Mr. Green Jeans my baby cat, stained the carpet again. FML!!!!

Here’s the best quote I didn’t write but will cut and paste today: “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni

Fighting Chickens of the Civil War

Civil War Chickens Publish 1


By Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic

Coma Served As Training Grounds for Controversial Project

Overlooked by most historians, the Union Army developed and implemented a highly controversial, top secret program to train chickens to serve in the Union Army.  The program was headquartered in Coma not far from where the Coma Unified School is currently located.

Although the program had some early success, particularly at First Manassas, where several chickens were awarded commendations for valor, the fighting chicken brigade ultimately failed.

Military leaders cited hygiene, failure to follow orders, the increasing incidents of fratricide as human soldiers slaughtered great numbers of chickens for food in the field, the fact that their hats routinely fell off and the overall obtuse nature of the chickens as primary reasons for the program failing.

Civil War Chickens Publish 3

A small platoon of Union chickens take to the parade deck

In what was his last letter home, Captain Eugene Franks of the 29th Coma Brigade, sums up the challenges in training the chickens:

“I have not sufficient paper to express in detail the pause and great fear I have for our dubious endeavor to arm the wild game that now sleep in coops not ten paces from my tent.  After weeks of training and drilling the unit is still without discipline or the steel one would expect from a professional soldier.  In many ways they are no better than the flood of volunteer soldiers we have received from the west. 

But I submit to you now in the most private of manner that lately I have begun to grow fearful for my own safety as a number of the feathered creatures have banded together and appear to be in the midst of planning a great coup (not coop).  The way they set their eyes to me is unsettling to say the least.  I was even the object of an impromptu attack last week when one of them took to pecking at the heel of my boot.

I should hope to write you again soon.  If anything should happen to me in the meantime, please know that my love for you continues to grow as my heart aches to be near you again one day soon.  Also know that my untimely demise was likely at the hands of a traitorous fowl.”

The program was dissolved in the fall of 1862.  A small, life-size bronze chicken sculpture was later erected in town but was run over and crushed by a farm truck in 1967.

Civil War chickens publish 2

Major Cleavus Young-Bogart poses for a photo with an unidentified chicken soldier (c. 1863)


Coma Land Mine Tour A Special Experience for the Young and Old

By: Coma News Staff

One of Coma’s best kept secrets is also it’s best kept secrets.  The Coma Land Mine Tour is a must-do for any out-of-towner and even local residents.  Whether you’ve experienced the tour once or one-hundred times, there is always something new to discover on this unique and mysterious adventure.

The tour starts at the Coma Land Mine Museum.  There, visitors will be treated to a two-foot map of Coma and the surrounding areas.  Look closely!  You might see the small question marks on the map.  There are more than 200 question marks.  Each question mark represents a location in Coma that might be the home to a land mine.

You might also see the gift shop, but it’s best to wait to visit the gift shop until after your tour.

The Coma Land Mine tour takes approximately 30 minutes (longer if you spend a lot of time taking photographs or playing with Clovis The First-Aid Dog).  Although sometimes the order of the stops is different, visitors should expect to see the following highlights:

Area Behind the Bus Stop on 6th.  The area behind the bus stop on 6th is one of the first stops of the tour and offers a partial view of the parking lot adjacent to Bigby’s Mini-Mart.

Some Raspberry Bushes.  Located three blocks away from the bus stop is a collection of wildly overgrown raspberry bushes.  Rumor has it, a land mine might be buried there.  Nobody knows for sure, but if it’s the right time of year, you might be able to pick a couple delicious raspberries.  But watch your step!

– O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot.  Located on an empty lot not far from the Grizzly Tavern is O’Bert’s grassy pee spot.  Named after long-time Coma resident, Nathaniel O’Bert, who often used the lot to relieve himself and pass out, it is one of the most memorable stops along the tour.  It offers a pungent aroma and a view of bushes, dead grass and some large rocks.

– Dog Hump Park.  The next stop takes you to Dog Hump Park.  This location got its nickname due to the large number of wild and stray dogs that frequent the area and can often be seen having intercourse.  Be on the lookout for dead animals (and land mines)!  The packs of dogs are sometimes known to drag the carcasses of their kills back to this area.  Great photo opportunity for the entire family! In the summer, it is not uncommon for Clovis The First-Aid Dog to greet guests at this location for some fun.

– Vacant Gravel Lot.  There is a vacant gravel lot about a block away from Dog Hump Park.  It is one of the last stops and provides a breathtaking view of a dilapidated fence, several old appliances and lots and lots of gravel!

– Self-Guided Kid’s Maze.  The last stop before returning to the museum is the self-guided kid’s maze located next door.  This mostly empty grass field is believed to house more than a dozen land mines.  In the fall, the leaves are raked into intricate patterns for children to walk through and try to find their way out!  And after working up an appetite, children who complete the maze are in for a treat!  Each child will receive a Fig Newton cookie.

– Clovis The First-Aid Dog.  Upon returning to the museum, guests will be greeted by the tour’s famous mascot, Clovis The First-Aid Dog.  The lovable, one-legged dog is sure to bring a smile to any face.  Don’t leave just yet!  You’ll want to stick around to have your picture taken with Clovis and pick up your complimentary pair of collectable crutches.  But it’s not over!  As you depart, children between the ages of 6 and 7 can help themselves to one free Fig Newton cookie!

So whether your young or old or somewhere in between, the Coma Land Mine Tour and Museum provides a chance to be outdoors for approximately 30 minutes and see some of Coma’s true treasures.

Tours are offered at 12 p.m., 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. Tuesday through Saturday.  Cost of admission is $8 for adults and $3 for children under the age of four weeks.


Coma DIV of Motor Vehicles Serving Up More than Long Lines

A photograph of assorted alcoholic beverages which may or may not be served at the Coma Department of Vehicles pictured below.

alcoholic drinks

By Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic


The Coma Division of the Department of Motor Vehicles (DIV) was set to close this Friday due to lack of funding as Coma is not considered an incorporated town within the State or the United States of America however Mayor Dave has found a solution to this issue– sponsorship.

“This is a great way for the community to sponsor a necessary entity within the town while not relying on State funding or even being recognized as an incorporated city.” said Mayor Dave. “People can come check out the DIV bar and get a license plate.”

Jax Owen, car dealer, relationship advice columnist and moonshine distributor agrees. “It’s about to get all kinds of rowdy up in here.”
The sponsorship will begin this Thursday. Alcohol will be served on the premise every day of the week except for Sunday when the DIV bar is closed. All DIV bar receipts and car license plates will be branded with the sponsors logo going forward “BigOwen Moonrise Moonshine”.

Local Children’s Author Releases New Book

The latest book from popular Coma children’s author, Stanford Higgens, will be released today.  Titled “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head,” Higgens said the book represents a dramatic shift in his writing.

“Up to this point, I have relied on a lot of analogies and metaphors in my writing,” Higgens said.  “With ‘Don’t Eat Milo’s Head,’ I’ve moved in to a more literal place in my story telling.”

The story tells the tale of Milo, a pre-pubescent teenager whose head is made entirely out of pie.  Milo must struggle to

Described as a “fun, rollicking journey of self discovery and


Popular Coma children’s author, Stanford Higgens, will release his latest book, “Boo-Ba The Armless Clown” at a special book signing in town next week.

Described as a “haunting, cautionary tale,” the story features an armless clown named Boo-Ba, who wanders a war-ravaged country side in search of human companionship.

“This is a fun-filled, colorful story about a happy-go-lucky clown who sets out to have adventures and learns a few life lessons along the way,” Higgens said of his latest work.

Boo-Ba’s adventures include several run-ins with a terminally ill horse named Sever, who has numerous bouts of incontinence and tries to get the armless clown to pet him, despite the face Boo-Ba has no arms.

“I hope this story will fill childrens’ imaginations for years to come,” Higgens said.  “It’s one of those books that will require multiple readings because there will likely be so much laughter and chuckling going on that you’re bound to miss some details on the first pass.”

Higgens said his favorite part of the book involves Boo-Bah accidentally drinking a gallon of gasoline and having to be rushed to a field hospital to have his stomach pumped.

“There are so many lessons for children to learn from reading this story,” Higgens said.  “It’s great for parents because some of these topics, like drinking gasoline, can be sensitive subjects.  The book breaks down those walls and allows parents to open a dialogue with their children.”

Higgens plans on releasing a new book every month through the spring of 2014.  His next title, “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head” will be released on November 26.

Zombie Apocalypse- Tips for Thriving, Surviving (and Finding Love?)

By Ms. Sadie Cracker, relationship adviser, sometimes mother, happiness consultant, bitter lover of men

There are multiple tips for surviving a Zombie apocalypse but these are my top five-

  1.  Learn to sew—Thanks Grandma. For wounds or clothing or drapes. Nothing better.
  2. Procure an Ax—if not an ax a blunt instrument to induce a Zombie head trauma.
  3. Don’t go to the hospital. While this seems like the best idea it’s actually the worst. The majority of humans infected or dead were brought to the hospital. Stay away.
  4.  Know what kind of Zombie you are up against—is it a virus or inherent in your blood? Was it manufactured in a laboratory? Is it RAGE?—know the infection
  5. Hook up with a Badass—a guy or girl who knows how to use a gun.

The downside of the Badass hookup is the chance of losing someone you care about in the Zombie apocalypse based on experts’ opinions is 93%. And basically there are two types of surviving Badasses. The ones you met before the Apocalypse and the ones you are with during the apocalypse.

the safe Badass you know. He doesn't look like the Badass pictured here but this gives you an idea.

The safe Badass you know. He doesn’t look like the Badass pictured here but this gives you an idea.

Badass Hookup #1: The Badass you are with. The Badass in your life who could find canned Spam in a world without food. The Badass who loved you when you were splattered with blood and brains and carrying an AK-47. The Badass who told you not to cry when your sister went missing in the fog while trying to forage for berries and then he was the Badass who put a bullet in her head when she returned to the camp as a flesh eating Zombie.

How do you deal when you lose the love of your life to a flesh eating Zombie who pulls off their arm and eats in front of you? Or worse- how do you put a bullet in the head of someone you love once they’ve been bitten on their shoulder and will inevitably turn into Zombie who eats your intestines as a first course?

Remember– your Badass made a mistake, got himself bitten and now he’s turned in to a vacant flesh eater. You’ve got to save yourself.

The Badass you can't find who drives a motorcycle and can hunt with a bow.

The Badass you can’t find who drives a motorcycle and can hunt with a crossbow.

Badass Hookup #2: The Badass who is out there who you can’t find during the Zombie Apocalypse.

You meet a Badass prior to the Apocalypse and you talk to them for months on end but never physically see them.  You virtually see them all the time through text and email and you imagine them naked (gross) or kissing you (okay) and then you meet them.

You realize they are an animated real live Badass person.

You had a conversation about how you would meet up during the Zombie Apocalypse. The Badass tells you to head South to Rendezvous in some woods near a creek.

Bam! The Zombie Apocalypse happens.

 It begins in the South.



You look at a map and realize the Badass never told you exactly where the woods were located and you don’t have the name of the woods or creek. All you have is his general geo location.

Your Badass goes missing, his directions were shoddy and you don’t have many options to find him—the Zombie Apocalypse happened and Zombies are eating people left and right.

The only choice you have is to miss who you miss when they are missing. Think about the badass for a minute and then let the feeling go because you have to survive. There are hundreds of thousands of flesh eating Zombies trying to eat you for lunch.

For now hole up, keep the lights off, don’t scream, miss what you miss and find another badass guy. Better yet, find two Badass guys and keep your options open during the apocalypse.

There are lots of men who own crossbows and guns who survive during the Zombie Apocalypse.

They are not hard to find they are the only ones capable of surviving. Damn Badasses.