Archive for: March 2016

Food Celebrities’ Violent Visits to Coma

By Stan Bargmeyer, news intern

Long before the current crop of well mannered and cultured celebrities, like Kanye and Miley Cyrus, a celebrity visit to Coma usually meant trouble.

That was the case during the 1979 Coma visit by Colonel Sanders, who punched three chickens in the face when they failed to win their poultry races at the county fair.


A white suit, white goatee, and dark glasses couldn’t class up that dark day when the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken unleashed his own brand of dark justice.

The pattern continued with the 1983 visit by Duncan Hines, who famously  developed and sold the rights to cake mixes.

“I have a warm spot in my heart for Coma and particularly the dedicated lunch ladies,” Hines told a Coma Rotary Club luncheon, shortly before attacking a waiter with his bare hands.

The attack and two subsequent kerfluffles in town were accompanied by Hines’ rantings that people were trying to steal his delicious cakes and muffins.

“You people in this town are blessed with a lot of good eating places,” Hines said as he was carted off to a state sanitarium.

The chain of celebrity violence took a break during pleasant and song-fill 1985 visit of the Marlboro Man,  actor David McLean.

“The Marlboro Man was the best thing to happen to Coma in my lifetime,” former Mayor Ezekiel Huntsman said in a 2006 interview.

By far the worst violence was felt during the 1991 visit by actor Val Gould, better known as the Quaker Oats Man.

Wearing a white wig, large hat, red coat, satin pantaloons, white socks with black shoes, Mr. Quaker traveled the nation to give talks, including 20 speeches in Coma schools in one week.

Instead of touting products, Mr. Quaker unleashed diatribes against the American military and “the 3 percent”

“Capitalism is a monstrous lie and only a whole grain breakfast can defeat it,” Gould told pupils, shortly before burning down much of downtown Coma.

The town still bears the scars of that breakfast icon’s visit.

Work Wanted: Full Time Channel Changer

Sometimes you can’t find your remote or the batteries die and that’s why you need a full time channel changer.killtelevision Basically, I will sleep on your couch all the time or on a dog bed big enough for me. I will hang out in front of your TV, eat Pixy Stix, and drink Red Bull. If your remote stops working you just wake me up. I’ll get off the dog bed or your couch and take care of everything. I will change the channel manually for you. You don’t want to be stuck on the Discovery Channel because your remote died and have to do that stuff yourself. Only $150 per day but will be worth it when you don’t want to have to get up from the couch yourself.

Email me and I can be in your house tomorrow.


Podcast: The Year of Reading Old Dead People

It’s 58 degrees in Coma and that means icy morning feet are being replaced with exploding noses as spring fever descends on our town. This is Coma News Daily.


The official internet podcast portal for the Town of Coma. This podcast is brought to you by our friends at Kale Flavored ham which is not healthy but you can pretend it is because it tastes like kale.

This week we decided to keep  ‘Getting Serious’ and broadcast from a horse barn rather than a bar.

As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!


Hosted this week by Jonny Reynolds, who is a real reporter, and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis, who does not write news but is attractive enough to read it. With news from T.S. John who can no longer prebreak news since he gave up his peyote habit.

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Did Bigfoot Present at Local Multi-Level Marketing Workshop?

By Coma News Daily Staff

According to several eyewitnesses, a Sasquatch made a ten-minute presentation at a multi-level marketing workshop in Coma last week.  The event, held at the offices of Coma Realty, Travel and Beauty Supplies, attracted nearly ten guests who came to view a presentation on LifeCare, a company specializing in lifestyle, home and health products for independent business owners.

Witnesses reported that about half-way through the presentation, a very large, hairy creature dressed in a sharp Armani suit entered the room and began a hard-to-follow, yet somehow “succinct”, presentation on the benefits of joining LifeCare’s lucrative distribution team.

“He was really focused on building your down-line and the recruitment incentives they offer,” Chase Donovan, a local teen who attended the presentation, said. “At least I think that’s what he was talking about.”

Bigfoot amway 3

ABOVE: Artist rendition of what witnesses claim was a bigfoot sighting at a recent LifeCare meeting

The LifeCare presentation started at 7 p.m. with a series of successful testimonials from long-time independent business owners. Mayor Dave Anderson, who has been a LifeCare representative for nearly nine years, lead off the evening and discussed how in just nine short years, he’s made nearly $300 selling the LifeCare line of products, which includes lice shampoo, a nondescript ointment labeled simply “Ointment” and hairspray in aerosol cans.

According to planners, the Sasquatch presentation was unexpected.

“I nearly shat myself,” Anderson said. “I was getting ready to introduce a video by LifeCare founder Alexander Moss and suddenly this freakishly large dude walks in and takes over the meeting. Am I using the term ‘shat’ correctly?”

Eyewitnesses said the hairy, mysterious anthropological creature peppered a series of grunts, snorts and what one person called “halted screams” into his presentation as he stood near a flip chart trying to explain the distribution hierarchy.

“I think I got more from his presentation than all the others,” Donovan said. “At one point he showed us a photo of a large bundle of sticks and pounded on his chest.  I think he somehow earned those sticks through LifeCare? But, by that point I was getting really confused. But he sure seemed proud of all those sticks.”

The mysterious creature ended his presentation abruptly when one attendee began asking questions about whether LifeCare was merely a pyramid scheme.  According to witnesses, the Bigfoot creature began waving his arms wildly, flipped over a table and stormed out of the room.

New Football Rules to Slow Game to Baseball Speed

By Coma News Daily Staff

The Coma Athletic Association adopted rules this week to remove the “unnecessary speed” from local youth football games.

The changes include eliminating the 60-minute time limit on games so “we can see where that takes us,” said Bob Smith-Smith, the new football commissioner.


“There was a lot of rushing around out there and, really, where else do we have to be?” said Smith-Smith, who retired from the Town Council last year.

Under the new baseball inspired rules, there will only be 5 plays per quarter and most of the game will consist of pre-snap staring contests between quarterbacks and linebackers. Mandatory extended discussions between quarterbacks and coaches will be required before and after each play.

Another change will require at least half an hour between any play that causes players to exert themselves.

Not everyone was excited about the new rules. Dr. Jimmy, Coma physician, said the rules may actually exacerbated concussion risks because bored and “zoning out” young players may be blindsided by tackles when the rare play begins.


“The diabetes risk among the players also is likely to explode, given the complete lack of exertion with the baseball-like changes,” Dr Jimmy said.

Smith-Smith said new liquid diet and daily 10-mile running requirements should stave off any diabetes risks.

“Our young football players will have the stunning physiques and health of long distance runners by the time we’re done with them,” Smith-Smith said.

Festival Celebrates Local Sitting History

By Stan Bargmeyer, news intern

The art of sitting may not be as fashionable as it once was but the past time still has a special place in the hearts of many Comatons.

Sitting will once again get its day on Saturday and Sunday April 5-6 when sitting enthusiasts from Coma and the surrounding region gather at the Coma Convention Center and Grain Elevator for the 25th annual Continuous Period of Being Seated Festival.

People sitting on a sofa watch a band play on the main stage at the Standon Calling Festival in Hertfordshire, UK Standon Calling is a small independent festival set among the hills in Herfordshire that showcases World Music, Indie Music and dance Music. It is one of the new, small and quirky boutique festivals which have become popular in the UK.

Ensconcers, chair grabbers, perchers,  plopper downers, resters, seated ones, settlers, squatters, load taker offers, and seat takers will gather for two days of sitting-related food and fun. The theme for 2016 is: Park It–Sitting in, on, and near Cars.

The festival will examine the history of sitting in and around the vehicles in Coma.

Extending back in time more than a half century to the present day, speakers will discuss the adventures and challenges involved in pioneering new sitting techniques along many of the beautiful and isolated roadways of Coma and the surrounding environs.

They also will discuss local pioneers in sitting, such as Dolores Claybottom, who made sitting-related activities fashionable 60 years before the invention of television.

Reclaimed sitting techniques will be demonstrated the local chapter of the Young Squatters as they play hours of video games, post on Snapchat or just nap.

So come enjoy a grand ol’ sitdown with your friends and neighbors.

Tickets are $20 or donate two seat cushions for entry.

And for the last time, people, no whoopee cushions allowed!

Nine Reasons for ‘Tiny’ Council Fight

by Jonny Reynolds,  News Reporter, Does Not Have Social Phobia Contrary to Twitter Rumors

Cinco de Mayo may be more than a month away but is it ever too early to honor Mexican-Americans or to wear tiny Sombreros?

Yes, it is, according to one town leader. So what’s at the root of this latest critical battle for the soul of our town?

1) Former Town Council member and Mexican-American Bob Smith-Smith proposed legislation requiring the deputies of the Coma Sheriff’s Office to wear tiny sombreros in honor of the holiday.

2) Councilmember Natalie Peters was the lone dissenting vote but warned the town was sending “a message of hate heard as far as the Town of Coma incorporated limits.”

3) Smith-Smith said the initiative is “a bit of light-hearted fun but also reminds us we all have a bit of immigrant in us.”


4) “Hatey, hatey, hateful hate-speech,” countered Peters.

5) “This proposal came from a Hispanic and no Mexican-Americans have complained,” said Mayor Dave Anderson.

6) “I have a German sausage at home that’s more Hispanic than that man,” said Peters, who is Caucasian. “Like so many others he clearly lacks adequate sensitivity. “

7) As a conciliatory measure, the Council allowed deputies to opt for tiny bearskin caps, beaver hats, or deerstalkers.


8) “Too late!” Peters said. “Plus, I’m further offended that our lone animal representative on the Council supported the use of such anti-animal coverings.

9) Councilmember Master Splinter, a rat, declined to comment.

First Rule of Book Club: An LOL Mystery

Marybell Davis, awesome blogger of awesome things

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, did you clean your room today? Have you found a job?

Marybell: Shhhh, Daddy. I’m reading, on the internet, in my room. I have to solve the mystery of the book club.

Really, all we do is read. I have 1,432 really good friends on Facebook and it takes three to five hours just to weed through their posts to judge who looks fat and who’s giving too many updates about their cat hacking up a fur ball. Don’t even ask me to count how much I read on Twitter, Snapchat, or in my Redditt snopes group.

I am literally spending every waking hour of my day reading.
So imagine my surprise when my friend Hope said she was going to start a book club so that we could read a book and talk about it. What?!

Why do I need to read more when I am reading all day long and responding to my old sorority sister’s post showing her wedding dress (she clearly needs to liquid diet her way into her wedding day).

Writing and reading are clearly important. But the mystery is: why do I need to do more?

Coma already has lots of clubs. There’s the Hug Club, the Farm Vehicle Club, The Peaceful Puppeteers, and The Club for People Who Like to Go Clubbing.

So why a club for people to read books by dead people or “supposedly” amazing living authors who only have 140 followers on Twitter?

I started this investigation like so many before it, I googled “Book Club.”


The first thing that popped up was an old lady holding the hand of a small child (gross) with a giant wine glass in her other hand. She looked exhausted. There was a book called Little Women (not about midgets) behind her. It looked like she’s spilled some wine all over it.

Apparently, some women start book clubs so they are not drinking alone. This makes sense to me except that I am young and hot and–duh!–I read all day long. So what’s there to learn at this book club?


I sought another source.
Me: Hope, what do we get out of a book club that’s different from what we get from reading on facebook?
Hope: Simple. You get to judge these dummies who sat in a room for weeks or months or years, writing and editing a dumb story. You get to read their work and then drink and then tell your friends how you could make a better story if you were lame and tried to sit down and write it.

So, Mystery Solved. There’s absolutely no difference in a book club and reading and judging on Facebook, except that the book club can include work from dead people and Facebook does not. Death. So gross.

Daddy Warbucks: How’s the job search, Marybell?
Marybell: Not now, Daddy. I need to post about the bookclub on Facebook and Twitter so people can read my thoughts. I’m an author.