Archive for: July 2016

Artifacts Ham And Cheese

COMA Ham and Cheese 07 18 16

Speed Bumps Actually Escaped Gators, Bicyclists Chewed

By Coma News Daily Staff

Local businessmen thought a free range alligator farm/petting zoo would be a fun new attraction for our town.

Tell that to the street cyclists.

Fifteen adult cyclists were injured Thursday when some of gators escaped from the recently opened gator farm adjacent to Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men, A Home for Those Guys.

The escape of at least 10 gators from A Home for Those Gators was not discovered until some of the cold blooded behemoths laid out to sun bath on adjacent streets and were struck by some of the swarms of street bicyclists that regularly descend on our town.

“I think they thought the gators were speed humps because they would slow down and try to ride over them slowly,” said Chase Donovan, a local teenager and witness.

When the gators were run over They would thrash around and knock the riders off their bikes.

“It was kind of awesome,” Donovan said.


Once on the ground the Lycra-clad  cyclists suffered numerous bites, claw stratches and lacerations from tails. Unfortunately, no nearby bodies of water were available for the predators to drag and drown the cyclists.

Cory Lieberman, whose $2,200 Ridley Fenix Ultegra Carbon Road Bike was pulled apart by dueling gators, was indignant.

“Gators?! What’s wrong with you people in this town?” Lieberman.

Not to worry, according to Jax Owen, who manages the gator farm. The most violent gators among the recaptured reptiles would be prioritized for the farm’s first belt and gatorburger culling.

“Everyone knows a mean gator is a delicious gator,” Owen said.

Artifacts Top Secret Report

Coma Breakfast Report 07 18 16

Gator Petting Zoo Opens in Town

By Coma News Daily Staff

Children all over Coma are welcome to come and experience a day full of music and nature at the grand opening of the town’s first reptile petting zoo, A Home for Those Gators.

Started by residents of Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men, A Home for Those Guys, the reptile park will introduce the reptiles to children interested in learning how they play and feed.

The petting zoo also is a working farm, from which Coma residents will be able to obtain all of the locally sourced belts and boots they could ever want.


Saturday’s opening event will allow local children to pet, feed and hold some of the majestic creatures, which can reach 14 feet in length and weigh up to 900 pounds.

The opening day festivities also will feature a mini jam session by Save the World, the classic rock cover band comprised of Coma Town Council members.

“What I hope the kids get that our music is a universal language and so is the love of alligators,”  said
Jax Owen, director of the gator park and lead guitar for Save the World. “Running through the gator fields is so much fun for kids of all ages.”

A place for those guys large ad

Organizers underscored the health benefits of visitors wandering among glorious animals while also dodging and weaving snapping teeth and whipping tails.

“We’re all about cage-free animals here,” said Alan Pezzati, a Home resident and a volunteer gator wrangler. “This way, the animals are happy, visitors get a great workout running across the gator pasture, and the gatorburgers are extra tender.”

Find gators boring? You’ll also find a wide selection of poisonous snakes, lizards and snapping turtles.

Entrance to the petting zoo itself is free; however, there is a cost if visitors want to feed the animals.

What’s Happening in Coma? Some Classified Ads

The following are selections from this week’s Coma News Daily classified ads.
Offer: Free to good home

I have a young pet scorpion I just purchased a couple of weeks ago because my pet spider died. I thought I would try something different after having had a spider for many years. I now have changed my mind and would like to get a new spider, but first I have to find a new home for the scorpion. He is FREE of charge to a good home, however, you only get the scorpion and a little clear travel bucket to transport him in. You must have an existing habitat but you do not need to keep calling him Poncho. However, if you do rename him I ask that you give him a male name so as not to confuse him. I should also note that I know nothing about scorpion biology. Poncho may be female and pregnant so consider this fair warning. Call or email if interested. Thanks!


Offer: Drugs
Offering one box of unopened suppositories, if anyone needs them. If you don’t know what a suppository is, please look it up.


Offer: hats
Five pink 1st birthday princess party hats. If you can’t use them just take them anyway. I don’t want to be the one to throw them away.

Artifacts Tastes Like Chicken

COMA Tastes Like Chicken 07 18 16

Opinion: If You Can Avoid Eating Bones, Fried Chicken is Pretty Tasty

Stan Bargmeyer's recipe for Mac & Cheese includes preparing Kraft Mac & Cheese by following the directions on the box


By Stan Bargmeyer, life-long Coma resident and Coma News Intern

Fried chicken is a pretty good food to eat, especially if you avoid eating the bones.

I just try my best to eat around the bones. If I can manage to do that, I find I actually kind of enjoy eating fried chicken.

I avoided eating the popular food for years following several near-death experiences as a younger man.

It used to be that I would just eat all of the fried chicken and sharp pieces of bone would get stuck in my throat and I’d almost die. It was my fear of dying and dislike for the taste of bones that made me give up fried chicken, entirely.

Recently, my friends encouraged me to give fried chicken another chance and they went to great lengths to explain that the bones were not, in fact, edible. With great reservations, I gave chicken another chance and had encouraging results.

It was a little clumsy at first and I only really nibbled around the edges because I didn’t want to eat the bone. But with some practice, I got the hang of it and decided it was pretty decent, as far as food goes.

My recent success with fried chicken has inspired me to reconsider other foods I stopped eating or never tried because I thought they were dangerous or too exotic or just not the type of food people like me would eat. But now I think I want to try those things. Like pancakes.


Artifacts Cow Express

COMA Cow Express 07 18 16