Archive for: August 2015

Street Ballers Drive Acceptance

By Coma News Daily Staff

The first thing you learn in street soccer is to expect the unexpected.

From potholes and loose pavement to poor lighting and even traffic. You never know what logistical challenge will pop up when your trying to get in a quick game of “road ball” with friends.


“Coma may never have as many street soccer players as a place like Portland, but it could do a lot more to promote this sport, fix dangerous conditions, and teach its sometimes surly motorists how to drive in mixed company,” said Micah Horncraft, local street soccer enthusiast.

And try it will. This summer and next the town plans to double its Ball Kicking zones (cross hatched street markings of sections of busy roadways designated as street soccer areas), from 15 to 34 miles of Coma’s streets.

So Straatvoetbal (as the Dutch call it)  and Ball Kicking zones are concepts that Coma motorists might as well get used to.

But many Coma motorists scoff at the idea of a freestyle futball-friendly town and appear to oppose the idea. In comments posted beneath a recent article about the town’s plan to increase BK zones, their disgruntlement is palpable.

“Almost knocked off my bike by a well-placed groin shot from one of these hooligans. Roads are for bikes!” wrote Quicksile22.

“To whoever kicked the ball through my passenger side window: I’m keeping it,” wrote Grammy1937.

“Balls!” wrote Journalismisdead.

Despite the skepticism and ridicule, road soccer is solidifying its place in town as a legitimate form of recreation. More than 60 percent of Coma homes lie within a half-mile of a “road field.”

Although the total number of players is devilishly difficult to obtain, Horncraft estimated offhand that 80 percent of Coma residents play road soccer “or wish they could.”

But its not all fun and games. Seven adults were hospitalized for injuries playing road soccer last year in Coma. Unlike traditional soccer injuries blamed on collisions with other players, the road soccer injuries generally stemmed from being imbedded in the grills or windshields of cars.

“Small price to pay for a tremendous cardiovascular workout,” Horncraft said of the vehicular challenges.

30 Days of Dating for Science (cont.)

The following is blog by a Coma resident excerpted as a community service by Coma New Daily.

By Dr. Jimmy

This is a modern scientific dating experiment. One medical doctor. Ten dating websites. Hundreds of chats. Thirty days. Thirty dates. Thirty scientific hypotheses.

Tenth Date: Is It Love or Black Death?


This “date” was a real world test of ways physicians can follow the CDC’s exhortation for clinicians to be on the look out for cases of the plague following a smattering of U.S. cases this summer. Are there reasons to be concerned? Will the general public question science or our sanity?

I selected this date from on the basis of a refreshingly honest (RH) profile. Instead of photos of herself backpacking in Costa Rica and a profile essay balancing down-to-earth attitude and sharp wit, RH wrote that she had really high and unreasonable expectations for relationships — desiring immediate, deep intimacy, understanding and affection while substantially withholding each herself.

This was someone I could talk to about the plague.

After meeting up at Coma’s only restaurant catering to the polo set, RH told me she prefers weekend nights in where she gets bored and abuses a variety of substances.

Me: Have you recently been camping, hiking or spent time around dead rodents?

RH: I like to think most of my bad decisions involve men and not dead animals.

Me: How about any sudden onset of fever and malaise, accompanied by abdominal pain, nausea, and vomiting?

RH: What does this have to do with my startling combination of negativity and honesty that’s usually reserved for established relationships?

After dinner, we went for a sunset walk through one of Coma’s picturesque farm fields. There I told her about the U.S. cases of black death so far this year, and that it circulates among wild rodents and their fleas in rural and semirural areas in the United States.

RH: I’ve yet to determine whether or not operating on this level of transparency is actually productive.  But I do know that it feels really good.

Despite the overwhelming dread that black death tends to instill in many lay people, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was not getting through RH’s shell and convincing her to honestly face this very real danger.

That’s when I realized that, as a clinician, all I needed to do was to help RH draw the analogy to some other part of her experience. Then, the physical concept of black death could become intuitively clear. She could make the connection and apply the analogous fear effectively and consistently.

Me: Having the plague is like no one reading your dating profile.

RH: I’m going to go home and put out rat traps.

As a dating clinician, my job is to create the conditions for a learning environment. But I like to think both RH and I learned something on our night out together.

Recent Bigfoot Sighting Leaves Coma Business Leaders Shaken

As rare as it is to see a “bigfoot” or “sasquatch” in the wild, coming across one in the business world is even more unlikely and can be just as startling.  Just ask Senior Vice President of Sales at Coma United Financial Services, Mark Taylor, who claims he encountered a bigfoot at a shareholders meeting in January.

“The meeting started off pretty routine,” Taylor said.  “Then we got to the part about quarterly dividends and in walks this giant, hairy son-of-a-bitch.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  He approached the front of the room and went into a rather long lecture on how dividends were down and that it might be time to consider a new strategy. At least I thought that’s what he was saying.”

Taylor was not the only witness to the incredible event.  Several shareholders who had managed to stay awake until that point in the meeting corroborate Taylor’s story.

“He talked for about 40 minutes and then fielded some questions from the shareholders,” said Gene Page, an executive assistant who was there to take minutes.  “He mostly answered with a series of grunts and growls so you kind of had to piece it together, but for the most part he didn’t shy away from any of the tough questions.”

corporate bigfoot 2

According to local Cryptozoology expert, Micah Horncraft, such encounters are incredibly rare, but add credibility to decades of accounts regarding what are known as “Corporate Bigfoots”.


“These are serious, well-dressed anthropologic creatures with a keen business sense,” Horncraft said of Corporate Bigfoot.  “Most of their business knowledge is based on an economy that trades sticks, leaves and animal droppings, but many of their principles are sound nonetheless.”

Added Taylor, “If I’m being completely honest, I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. But that could be said about any of these meetings. Don’t print that part.”

Kitten Rescue



Kitten Rescue- Do you have a small, baby kitten in need of rescuing?  Has someone kidnapped your cute, cuddly kitten and now holds it hostage in some far-off exotic land demanding a high ransom fee?  We can help.  We specialize in kitten rescue missions all over the globe.  Using U.S. Special Forces tactics, we are able to extract baby kittens from just about any location.  NOTE: We do NOT rescue full-grown, adult cats.  We also don’t get involved with puppies or baby goldfish.  You’re on your own in those cases.  But we will absolutely go to the ends of the earth to rescue your kitten.  Cost depends on scope of mission but generally ranges in price from $25,000 up to $300,000.

Don’t let your baby kitten die in the hands of ruthless kitten-nappers!  We can help.  Contact Roscoe if you’re interested.

Also- we cannot and do not guarantee your kitten will survive the experience but we make every effort to return your kitten alive.  In the very least, we will return your kitten’s corpse.  That’s a guarantee!

Podcast: Full of Shredded Tweets

It’s 92 degrees in Coma and the heat index feels like it’s the surface of the sun. Hide your wife, hide your kids. This is the special and short back to school edition of Coma News Daily.

As part of our continuing effort to be the local news team that is more on your side than any other local news team (if we had one) Coma News Daily spent some time with some very special kids: members of the Social Media Early Learning and Literacy Experience program or SMELLE. This breakthrough kids literacy program teaches youngsters how to read by following developments in their favorite tweets.  

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Local Author’s Latest Explores Accidental Monkey Meat Consumption

by Coma News Daily Staff

Coma children’s author Dee Collins’ latest effort is scheduled to hit bookstores next week and the accomplished writer thinks this may be her best offering yet.  Titled “Dinah Accidentally Eats A Monkey Hand,” the book tells the story of a young woman’s experience after consuming raw monkey meat during a lunch date.

monkey hand cover

“I wanted readers to take a journey with me to a world of food-borne illness,” Collins said of her latest work.  “I think people will be able to relate because this is something that could happen to anyone.”

Collins wastes little time setting the scene and jumping in to the cautionary tale.  By page three, the protagonist is already seated in the restaurant and preparing to enjoy a freshly-made salad.  Dinah, however, is preoccupied with friendly convesation and fails to see the severed monkey hand laying on her plate surrounded by an assortment of greens.

monkey hand 1

After ingesting the adult-monkey hand, Dinah begins to almost immediately feel the effects of food poisoning.  The last 14 pages of the book document her transition from healthy and vibrant to violently ill and completely incapacitated.

“My hope is that children will learn to be suspicious of the food that is on their plate, especially salads or even puddings,” Collins said.  “It takes less than four minutes to completely inventory the items in a salad and avoid eating something you shouldn’t.  That is the lesson in this story.”

monkey hand 2

While Dinah’s condition continues to deteriorate throughout the book, the tension continues to build as readers are left to wonder whether the 23-year-old economics major will survive her horrific ordeal.  While the ending is predictable on some levels, it does ultimately satisfy the reader’s appetite.  The same cannot be said for consuming raw monkey meat.

“Dinah Accidentally Eats A Monkey Hand” will be available at local bookstores on August 11.

Documentary Explores Artist Whisperer

By Coma News Daily Staff

art of kim jung Davis posing

Davis Montgomery III shows his art work, “Not All Underpants Are Equal”.

Davis Montgomery III was not always the refined lover of artisanal foods and probing art that he is now. Like many creative types, Montgomery struggled for years with societal hygiene standards and a desire to collect and save his own bodily waste.

But those days are behind Montgomery and many other Coma artists thanks to the efforts of one local woman. And a new documentary film will explore how Marilee Bumgartner works her miracles.

“The Soap Will Set You Free” chronicles Bumgartner’s efforts to track, trap, and clean various creators in town.

“Like the recently released Entourage movie, this is a story that just needed to be told,” said Shane Darvish, who is directing. “I expect it will appeal equally to intellectuals and people who love bubble bath.”

flywiping hygeiene

Unlike most documentaries, Darvish’s film features extensive chase scenes–mostly of Bumgartner’s water cannon-equipped van chasing down  Coma artist-types and blasting them into soapy submission.

“The lack of alpha predators you would find the wild allows our local artists to become fat, lazy and fetid,” Bumgartner said. “We simulate the effects of nature, which would force the guys to at least run through a creek once in a while as they fled from packs of feral dogs with a taste for performance artist.”

But it’s not going to be all action sequences in the hygienic art film.
The film also will explore the close and loving bond Bumgartner has developed with many Coma artists.

“They view her almost as a maternal figure, and many will come when she calls and eat right out of her hand,” Darvish said.

Bumgartner laughs when asked if she ever worried for her safety interacting with artists outside the safety of the spray van.

“Once they put down the brushes, playdough and spray paint, most of they are just great big pussycats,” Bumgartner said.

Darvish, who credits Bumgartner with helping him first find hygiene, hopes to finish the film next month and debut it during Coma’s Fall Film Fest.

“I’m not sure Coma is ready for this amount of raw naked artistry–that’s not a euphemism–but it better get ready,” Darvish said.

Report: Mayor Stares at Baby for Excessively Long Time

by Coma News Staff

According to eyewitness accounts, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson made onlookers “uncomfortable” this week after staring at a baby in a local grocery store for more than eight minutes without breaking eye contact.  Several sources stated that what started as a fun, light-hearted interaction between the mayor and the infant quickly devolved into a strange, often intense stare-down by the mayor.

“I saw him (Mayor Anderson) stop and look at the baby and he said something and laughed,” Chase Donovan said. “Then he just stood there staring at the baby.  He didn’t say anything.  He just stared.  A big, awkward grin on his face.”

ABOVE: A baby that may or may not resemble the baby from the staring incident

ABOVE: A baby that may or may not resemble the baby from the staring incident

The baby was sitting in baby seat inside a shopping cart.  The mother, Andrea Smith-Smith wife of Bob Smith-Smith and cashier at Bob’s Mart, declined to comment initially smiled at the mayor.  As seconds turned into minutes, the mother appeared to grow more and more concerned according to witnesses.

“She looked over her shoulder a couple times as she walked away,” Chase Donovan said. “After a few feet, she started to trot and really picked up the pace before disappering down the cereal aisle.”

Anderson was confronted by the media about the incident this week and stated while he did nothing wrong or intentionally inappropriate, he admitted to having some challenges in certain social settings.

“In a nutshell, is eight minutes too long to stare at a stranger’s baby in a supermarket?” Anderson asked reporters. “Where is the line between polite and creepy? It’s eight minutes, right?”

Anderson later elaborated that he only intended to stop briefly to compliment the baby but once he settled into his fixed gaze he “lost track of time” and found the infant bore a striking resemblance to a “newborn Robert Downey Jr.”  The mayor added he has learned his lesson from the incident and in the future will keep interactions with newborns to under 30 seconds.