Archive for: January 2017

Mayor “Tired” of ‘Monkey Puncher’ Reputation

by Coma News Staff

Mayor Dave Anderson confided to reporters this week that he has grown weary of his reputation as the “Monkey Puncher” following an unfortunate incident he was involved in nearly 12 years ago.

Anderson, often speaking in hushed tones, said he feared he would “never live down” a nickname and reputation born on what he called a “disastrous” day more than a decade ago.

“I mean, apparently, you punch a monkey in the face one time and…you know…you get a reputation as a guy who goes around punching monkeys in the face,” Anderson said.

It was a rare moment for the mayor, who has been described in the past as guarded, aloof and even apathetic. Anderson shared details of the “disastrous” day for the first time publicly.

mayor and monkey

ABOVE: Anderson (left) recounted the story of how he punched a monkey, similar to the one in the photo above (right), to earn the nickname “Monkey Puncher”

According to Anderson, he and some friends had just finished having lunch at Mike’s Pig Meat Restaurant when the restaurant’s owner, Mike Holliman, invited Anderson and his party out back to see a pet monkey one of Holliman’s friends brought with him.

“We were just looking at this monkey and it was kind of just bouncing around a little bit,” Anderson said. “And then it looked at me and spit in my face.”

Anderson said his friends laughed at the incident. At first, Anderson thought that while it was incredibly rude, it was a “little funny.”

But Anderson said things took a turn for the worst when the monkey began to mock him incessantly. At one point, the monkey pointed to Anderson, then plugged its nose and made a “stinky face”. Next, the monkey pointed to its buttocks, then to Anderson and then plugged its nose again.

“I’ve never been a big bathroom humor guy,” Anderson said. “So, strike one, monkey. I mean, first of all I didn’t smell like his butt. I’m sure of that. It’s just not very original.”

According to Anderson, the monkey continued to mock him. At one point, the monkey pointed at Anderson and then began to walk around, pushing its belly forward and kind of stumbling as it ambled down the sidewalk before pointing again at Anderson to suggest the Mayor was overweight and walked in an unusual manner.

“That was it for me,” Anderson said. “Everyone was laughing like it was real funny but it was derivative at best and completely inaccurate.”

Anderson said he punched the monkey square in the mouth, bloodying the animal’s lip and making its eyes water. The animal scurried quickly to its owner and hid behind his leg, trembling in fear.

“And somehow, I became the bad guy,” Anderson told reporters. “I get humiliated in front of my friends, try to defend my honor and at the end of the day, I’m the bad guy. Explain that to me. Please! Because I still don’t understand it.”

Soon after the incident, Anderson began hearing references to himself as the “monkey puncher.” It is a nickname that has stuck with him through more than three terms in office.

“Maybe one day people will forget that I punched a monkey in the face and knocked out two of its teeth,” Anderson said. “But people just love to focus on negative things.”

An LOL Mystery Solved: Tinder is For Groceries

Daddy Warbucks: Have you found a job yet, Marybell?
Me: Listen Daddy, being a private dick is so hard (and so gross). Do you know how many men are private Dicks? More than we can even count. And here I am as a woman and trying to be a detective- it takes work.
Daddy Warbucks: Have you gotten paid for all this detective work, Marybell?
Me: It”s not that kind of work, Daddy. But I think I have solved another mystery: How to use my Tinder to get groceries.
Relationships are hard. They take things like talking, compromise, forgiveness, intimacy, and most of all they take time.
In the olden days of the 1990s single men would have to go to a bar, find a woman, hope the woman was single and not totally insane, sit with her for hours talking, and then hope that maybe she’d go on a date. Then after four or five dates maybe they would get intimate but that was only if a guy was lucky.
Thank goodness for the Internet revolution where a bunch of nerds from Silicone Valley, who were too introverted to even make it to a bar, figured out a fix. The solution was super simple:  Make women feel so value-less (or swipeable) that they were willing to get an app with the “opportunity” to go have meaningless sex without a guy even needing to feign interest, talk to you again, or pay for food! That’s called a “sexual revolution”.
So I was wondering, could I get Tinder guys to bring me groceries so I might actually get something substantial from our meaningless encounter?
I met Max on Tinder. We are both in the same field because all he can talk about is his private Dick work. He’s divorced, in his late-40s, and he’s looking to “party” and he freebases Viagra. Max has so much in common with my 25-year-old-self because we both like food.
Me: Will you bring some milk when you stop by?
Max: Oh yeah baby. Is that what you like? You like milk?
Me: Yes. Low fat please.
Max: Oh yeah. You like it low? Is that how you like it?
Me: And cheese–mozzarella.
Max: Oh yeah hot stuff. We can melt it with our hot bodies.
Me: And lunch meat. Not ham. Turkey.
Max: Oh yeah you like meat? I’ll bring you meat. How do you like it?
Me: Sliced thin.
Max: Okay babe I got your meat, cheese, and milk. I’ll see you at 7 and we can make a sandwich.
This is the second time I’ve gotten a guy to deliver me food on Tinder ladies and you should give it a try. Last week, John brought me tacos.
Daddy Warbucks: What do you want for dinner, Marybell?
Me: Don’t worry about me, Daddy. I’m getting a sandwich.

“Disappointing” Future of Fences Exhibit Opens this Week

by Coma News Staff

The Coma Futurist Society’s latest exhibit, The Future of Fences, opened this week to a luke-warm reception by many visitors. The exhibit features a number of conceptual drawings about how fences might look and be made over the course of the next several hundred years.

According to curator and society director, Micah Horncraft, the exhibit provides a “critical examination of what a fence may represent in the future.” Critics noted an overall lack of “substantive content” and creativity in the exhibit. Horncraft maintains the exhibit is not only founded in a spirit of innovation but prides the exhibit on the wildly imaginative speculations.

“It is very likely that in several hundred years, we would not be able to recognize the fence of today,” Horncraft said. “I think that’s hard for people to understand sometimes. It takes a leap of imagination.”


ABOVE: The “Jet Rocket Super Fence” suggests that fences of the future may be very different than those of today

The collection of drawings and sketches includes more than two dozen designs that Horncraft said were rooted firmly in science and technological advances expected to occur in coming centuries.

But skeptics have dismissed much of the exhibit’s pieces as “simple-minded” and “inherently misguided.”

“It seems like the only thing that makes these fences futuristic is that they float or fly,” one visitor, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “Like, who would build a small section of fence and put it on a cloud way up in the sky? Where is the utility?”

One of the most popular pieces includes a fence with what appears to be fixed wings and jet engines. Horncraft defended the liberal use of flying or floating fences.

“Why wouldn’t fences of the future be able to fly?” Horncraft asked. “I mean, lots of things are going to be flying around the sky in a couple hundred years so, I think we’re going to need fences in the sky too.”


ABOVE: A section of fence sits on a billowy cloud up in the sky. Apparently in the future, we will need to place fences on clouds

The exhibit, which opened earlier this week, is scheduled to run through the end of February. While Horncraft is optimistic the interest and turnout will be strong he is concerned some of the early word-of-mouth reviews could deter some visitors. Some of the exhibit’s other highlights include:

– A floating fence on a cloud. Although Horncraft could not explain the physics behind this possibility, he did state “they’ll figure something out.”

– A fence made entirely from animal teeth. According to Horncraft, Animal teeth are going to be a primary building material in years to come.

– A fence made from a yet-to-be-discovered substance that is both a solid and a liquid and combines “elements of fire, electricity and is really elastic.”

fence 3

ABOVE: A fence made entirely from a yet-to-be-discovered material that somehow is an elastic combination of fire and electricity that is both in solid and liquid form

“It was just bad,” another unidentified critic offered. “Like last year’s ‘Casserole’s of the Future’ it just relies too heavily on things flying. Like you can’t just draw a picture of a tuna casserole surrounded by clouds and say that’s the future of a tuna casserole! I mean, I don’t even understand the context in which you would want a casserole of any kind to float or fly.”

Horncraft said the exhibit will be open Thursday through Sunday from 2 p.m. – 6 p.m. Admission is $8 for adults and $4 for children.


Mayor Announces Push to Host Super Bowl in Coma

by Coma News Staff

Coma mayor Dave Anderson announced this week his intentions to submit an application next month for the town to host the NFL Super Bowl.

“Why not us?,” Anderson asked in a statement released on Monday. “We’re just as good as Houston or Phoenix. And I think we’re a little bit better and Minneapolis. And that’s not me trying to take a shot at Minneapolis. I’m just being honest.”

While the official requirements to host a Super Bowl are not published, some criteria that has come out over the years would appear to eliminate Coma as being a viable option, including:

  • NFL requires a “climate-controlled domed stadium” if average temperature for the region falls below 50 degrees.
  • Exclusive, cost-free use of 35,000 parking spaces for game-day parking
  • NFL requires usage of three golf courses and two bowling alleys

Coma’s average temperature for February over the past decade has been 44 degrees, requiring the town to provide a climate-controlled domed stadium. Anderson said that while the town does not have any plans for such a venue, “a few tarps or one of those big-ass canopies” over the high school football field “may do the trick.”

As for parking, Coma has approximately 540 parking spaces when considering both public and private parking available in town. Anderson said this may be a bit of an issue but is hopeful that a solution involving buses, carpooling and some “creative tinkering” may get the town closer to the 35,000 required.

While Coma does feature two bowling alleys, the town has only one golf-related activity; Putters Putt-Putt Golf and Arcade. Anderson said he felt confident he could work something out with the league in terms of golfing amenities.

“You just have to know how to deal with these guys,” a confident Anderson said. “Grease their palms with a ten or twenty dollar bill, and suddenly, you’re in the game.”

Anderson is appointing a special committee to assemble the proposal and hopes to have it submitted before the league deadline of February 19.

“We can do anything we set our minds to,” Anderson said. “We are only limited by our imaginations, ambition and a lack of hotel rooms.”

Bigfoot Seen “Poking Around” Cereal Aisle at Local Grocer

by Coma News Staff

Several eyewitnesses observed a large, simian-like creature “poking around” the cereal aisle of Sweet Ray’s Grocery store on Monday afternoon.

According to police reports, the hairy, bipedal humanoid rummaged through a variety of cereal boxes before checking out a Nutella end-cap display and then exiting the store empty handed.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Dee Collins, one of several eyewitnesses, said. “You don’t expect to see that kind of thing at a grocery store.”

The unidentified creature spent nearly ten minutes carefully examining the nutrition facts on at least a dozen boxes of breakfast cereal. After appearing to settle on a box of Cranberry Almond Crunch, the creature picked up a box of Lucky Charms.

“I am the same way,” Collins told reporters. “I try to make the healthy choice but damn, those sugary cereals are so good!”


ABOVE: Artist sketch of what witnesses say was a large ape-like creature loitering in the cereal section of a local grocery store this week

According to local cryptozoologist Micah Horncraft, it should not be a surprise that a bigfoot creature would seek a healthy, nutritious breakfast option from a local grocer.

“When you consider the fact that bigfoot’s diet consists primarily of berries, nuts and grains, it makes sense he would seek out breakfast cereal,” Horncraft said. “I mean, it’s not like he’s going to make waffles or anything. Am I right?”

Collins said the creature seemed to “give up” after studying a box of Rice Krispies Treats Cereal. Afterwards, the large beast “sheepishly shuffled” down the aisle until a Nutella display appeared to catch his eye.

“He picked up a jar and smelled it and shook it next to his ear as if he might hear something,” Collins said. “I thought he was going to try to shoplift it but he kind of patted his thighs and hips and must have realized he didn’t have any pockets.”

Store manager Brian Frazier told reporters the store has a strict no-loitering policy and that their staff would be more diligent in the future in managing that policy.

“He must have sort of slipped through,” Frazier said. “It happens. One time we had a horse in the produce section for almost an hour before anyone noticed. Shit happens more often than you think.”

The mysterious creature reportedly left the store and has not been seen since Monday afternoon. This incident is one of an increasing number of bigfoot sightings in the community since 2013.

“Shit Got Real” During Recent Tetherball Match

by Coma News Staff

If fourth-grader Becky Watson was nervous entering her first match of the season, the emerging superstar didn’t show it.

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Watson said with a humility that has become part of her persona.  “Is this going to be in the newspaper?”

Watson defeated perennial contender, Dusty Higgins, 3 sets to 1 during second recess at Coma Unified School on Wednesday afternoon in a hotly contested match that featured the taller Watson utilizing her reach advantage to take the final three sets after dropping the first.

“Shit just got so real in there,” recess monitor Heather Beaucraft said.  Beaucraft, who officiated the match, said she was surprised at Watson’s skill so early in the season. “At first, it was like the shit wasn’t real at all, like it was pretend or something.  Then suddenly, shit got real.”

Beaucraft said she was impressed by such skilled play so early in the season, particularly the efforts of Watson.

“It’s only January and you’re already bringing your A-game?  Gonna be a long year for players in the yard if she’s stepping up like that already,” Beaucraft said.  “Imagine how real that shits gonna be come May?”

The match got off to a controversial start when Watson was called for a double hit early in the first set.  Soon after, she committed another unintentional foul when she stepped off sides.  Both penalties gave Higgins the opening he needed to win the first set.  Watson appeared to settle down after that and made quick work of Higgins over the next three sets.

Watson clearly benefitted from the nearly three-inch growth spurt she experienced over the summer.  Many students were in disbelief when the gangly ten-year-old returned to class last fall.

“I thought she was a giant or something when I first seen her,” Mitch Pelfry, a classmate of Watson, said.  “I kept calling her Optimus Prime all day because he’s in a movie and he’s really big like a giant made of metal.”

tetherball 1

ABOVE: The start of the Coma Unified School’s tetherball season was fused with an intensity typically reserved for post-season play

While the fourth-grade tetherball season is just getting underway, it is not hard to envision Watson making a run at a championship.  After failing to qualify for any post-season play last year, the dramatic turnaround seems to have caused a stir for everyone except the budding superstar.

“I have to go or I’m going to miss my bus,” Watson said when asked about her next opponent, Earl Chadwick.  “I don’t want to get stuck sitting next to Duggar Meyers again.  He’s gross.”

Watson’s schedule doesn’t get any easier with several first-recess matches coming up in the next week and a dreaded lunchtime-recess match against Kendra Perkins on February 10.

Beaucraft said she expects the shit to get very real in a hurry when Watson and Perkins square off.

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: Do you think people hundreds of years from now will still be talking about animal rights?

A: I don’t know. It’s possible.

Q: I’m worried cursive writing will be completely extinct in several thousand years. Like, I’m really, really concerned about this. I’ve spent a lot of time writing in this style. Should I be concerned?

A: Yes. It will likely be completely obsolete as a writing style within your lifetime (assuming you’re not over the age of 80 or 85)

Q: Do you think there will be any cool advances in candy bar technology in the next 50 years? I can’t wait to see if there is going to be some super cool new kind of PayDay bar or KitKat! I’m really jacked about candy bar evolution!!

A: There will probably be some advancements. But I have no idea what those would be. Maybe chewier? I’m not sure.

Turns Out Pancakes and Flapjacks Are the Same Thing

By Stan Bargmeyer. Coma News Intern

Did you know that pancakes and flapjacks are the same thing? Well, they are. They are both made of the same ingredients and look exactly the same. I didn’t know that until recently.

It’s funny how you go a whole lifetime without knowing stuff that you thought you knew. I always thought flapjacks were made from cured meats of some kind. But they are just like pancakes. No cured meats or anything.

I remember last year when I discovered national recording artist Paul McCartney was the same Paul McCartney who was in the band The Beatles. That really blew my mind. I just thought it was ironic that there were two very popular recording artists with the same name. But they are, in fact, the same person. If you don’t believe me, you can look it up. I didn’t believe it either but it is true.

When I was in my thirties, I kind of figured I knew everything I would ever know. I thought that was kind of the end of learning new things. But that hasn’t been true at all. Now it seems like I’m learning new stuff at least once or twice a year. Sometime more!

Just a few weeks ago I learned that the phrase “barking up the wrong tree” means making a mistake or a false assumption. For years I thought the phrase was “backing up the raunchy” and was some perverted sexual reference having to do with a woman’s back side. I was both thrilled that I learned something new and embarrassed that I didn’t already know it. But people say it so fast and everyone assumes you know what they are saying or what it means.

Nowadays it seems like there is more stuff to know and to learn. When I was younger, things didn’t move so fast. It was less confusing. But now they have so many things to keep track of. There are hundreds of television shows on television. There are a bunch of computer things to know about. There are sayings and phrases. There are lots of different kinds of music. Seems impossible to learn it all.

It can be intimidating. And make you feel foolish. Like thinking “LOL” means “Look Out Licorice”. Or thinking an emoji is a brand of Japanese beer. Or trying to send an Instagram from your local post office.

Everything just keeps on happening. I don’t think I’ll ever know it all. But maybe I’m not supposed to.