Archive for: April 2017

Weight, Weight Do Tell Me

If a tree falls in the forest but no one posts online about it, did it really happen?
Coma residents’ latest–and best–answer to that age-old question came from Dee Collins.
On the heels of her Facebook posts that changed the mind of one voter (who did not vote) in the last election, Collins is now changing hearts and minds about their health–or at least their weight.
After posting 872 times about how she actually needed to lose weight but didn’t want to stop “drinking unlimited Jack and cokes” the unbelievable happened. She lost weight.
“It’s amazing what the stomach flu will do,” said Collins. “I couldn’t eat and I lost three pounds. Turns out the key to weight loss is not eating so much or drinking alcohol.”
weightloss
Collins went directly to Facebook to let everyone know that they too could lose weight if they have a really bad stomach flu.
“I’ve seen most of her posts. But I missed this one because I had unfollowed her after all the political rants and weightloss diatribes made me nuts,” said Sadie Cracker.
When told by Coma News staff that she’d been unfollowed for posting too much Collins said, “By who? I’m gonna find them and tie up their family or something. My Facebook posts are too important to be ignored.”
Coma News contacted local physician Dr. Jimmy for his thoughts on flu and weight loss to find out if it is an actual alternative to eating a healthy diet.
“Any time you stop eating and drinking so much you will lose weight,” said Dr. Jimmyintermittentfasting. “Unfortunately the flu doesn’t last forever, so Dee will gain all the weight back and then some once she starts drinking again.
While some town residents think of Collins’ Facebook posts as a trainwreck, Dr. Jimmy is excited.
“These posts are a font of new material for my latest submission to the DSM on a new disorder I call acute finger sniffing euphoria,” Dr Jimmy said. “Thank you Internet.”

Mystery Solved: How I can LOOK artistic.

By Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing Life Lived!, Private Dick (which is so gross)

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, I understand it’s been 4 years and you’re not going to do anything with your college degree but at least you could clean up this pile of crayons drawings and used coffee mugs.
Marybell: Daddy, I haven’t eaten in two weeksw but I understand coffee and art, like the kind made by people with tattoo sleeves, old woman colored gray  hair, and nose piercings.

nancydrewcigarette

Daddy Warbucks doesn’t understand art or nose piercings or making your 25 year old hair a mom grey color,  but that doesn’t matter because I found a man who appreciates art and the fact that I wear all black and look cool and indignant! (He doesn’t have a job right now but he’s working on it)

Creative people are weird and unattractive. And recently I was wondering how can I look more creative because creative people seem to have a lot of fun if they aren’t killing themselves at a young age. But then there’s the reality that creative people are unattractive.
But people who just look creative and aren’t original can be attractive. They just can’t be competent.

Flannery O'Connor...LOL..she wears glasses and wrote stuff...LOL...

Flannery O’Connor. She’s not that attractive but does have the gray hair that’s so attractive on women now!

Don’t get me wrong, I love nose rings, sleeve tats, gray hair on young women and skinny leather pants. I just don’t expect someone with any of those things to provide me a modicum of decent service when I need coffee or some food to eat–even those people are usually working service jobs.

When I need fast service, a decent drink, a hair cut that doesn’t make me want to kill myself or clean food I find plain ugly people. It’s almost like they can’t afford to be incompetent. Or lazy. Or superior and disengaged.

Wait. Aren’t most successful artists and writers plain and boring people? Eudora Whelty, gross. Sylvia Plath, attractive but head in the oven. It’s too bad because if no one can see how cool your inner artist is on the outside does it even exist?

Mystery solved: Artists need to LOOK artistic.

Daddy Warbucks: Can’t you just make your bed today Marybell.

Marybell: No Daddy. I just solved a mystery and now I need to spend hours at a tattoo parlor to get the just right artistic tattoo sleeve.

Of Beginnings and Middles and Granny Panties

“And all the colors I am inside have not been invented yet.”
Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends
When Robert arrived to watch the kids while I ran to Bob’s Mart grocery store I was trailing Jimmy’s bike like a frantic monkey trainer. Except this trainer wasn’t going to let Jimmy fall. Every time he even wobbled I was there to right him.”What are you doing?” Robert said. “Let him fall.”
But Jimmy could get a broken arm or a concussion. Even paralysis was a possibility.

This book is important because we need people to explain to us how to let go because it's hard to figure out.

This book is important because we need people to explain to us how to let go because it’s hard to figure out.

“But he won’t,” Robert said. “Let him fail a little. Your mom did.”
In fact, my mom let me fail all over town as I was free to ride my bike alone throughout Coma–something that seems lost to the dustbin of history.
 Robert promised to protect Jimmy so steered my hip hop-blasting hooptie ride toward the store.
I pulled in to Bob’s  Mart beside a Dodge Dart, which was full of teen boys staring open-mouthed at the hooptie Suburban blasting “Gangsta Paradise.”
As I walked past I could hear the boys laughing. When I turned around to look and realized my sun dress was caught in the back seam of my granny panties I did what any gangster mom would do and flashed them the international mom sign of “shhh.
Back at the farmhouse Robert sat on the porch with Johnny (7 years old)  reading Shel Silverstein’s “Where the Sidewalk Ends.”
“Where’s Jimmy?” I asked.
“I let him go.” said Robert.
“You did what?!”I was running back to my car as he yelled “you should let him–“
Robert was drowned out by Gangsta Paradise and my realization that I hate Shel Silverstien because no sidewalk should end. Ever.
I tore down the country road and rounded the corner before slamming the brakes to keep from T-boning a cow in the middle of the road. I jumped out of the gansta mobile trying to figure out how to move a cow when I saw Jimmy coming down the hill on his bike. And he’s fine.
 “Hey mom. ‘I’ll race you home.”
 And passes me and he’s gone, rounding the corner and heading back toward our house.
And I am standing here alone.
Standing in front of the cow and I realize my sundress has once again tucked in to my granny panties.
“There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.”
where-the-sidewalk-ends

Senior Parade Mistaken for Zombie Attack

By Coma News Daily Staff


A parade last weekend celebrating the oldest citizens in Coma almost turned to tragedy after one citizen mistook the shuffling seniors for a wave of moaning zombies.

The parade is the only source of exercise and fresh air for the year for many of Coma’s oldest citizens, as well as a convenient way for other residents to see who’s still alive and kicking.
The annual senior citizens parade follows a three mile route through and around town and started Saturday afternoon. kicking. Last years parade took a record 9 and a half hours.
That is why it may not have been wholly unexpected that at 2am–12 hours after the parade’s start–that Marybell Davis, a local online detective, was awoken by the sounds of groaning and shuffling feet and attempted to alert area defense officials.
brainsvsbran
“I had a Walking Dead marathon over the weekend,” Davis said.
The Coma National Guard armory dismissed Marybell’s phone call as a prank.“Sure it was a false alarm, this time, but I would really like someone to look into the odds of a zombie attack,” Davis said. “Also, that show is fantastic and everyone should watch it.”

When asked about a zombie defense plan, Mayor Dave Anderson offered assurances that an emergency response was in place.

“That’s half the reason we have underground tunnels all throughout town,” Dave Anderson said. “That, and sometimes I just don’t feel like going outside to get a burrito.”

In the case of a zombie attack the town recommends locking your doors and barring windows, as well as filling your bathtub with water, which is a key response to any possible emergency in the town.

Advertorial: Vistas, Excitement, Weddings!

by Coma News staff

Coma is sending shock waves across the wedding industry with the launch of “Destination: Coma” by the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum.
“People ask me ‘How do people stayed married’ and my answer is always the same: Have a destination wedding,” said Sadie Cracker, marketing director for the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum (CLTM).
The CLTM recently opened as a venue for outdoor nuptials and camping for the entire wedding party and guests.

11 COMA LANDMINE TOURS AD

There’s nothing better than a destination wedding and Coma Landmine Tours and Museum aims to be the premiere destination for nuptials.

“We got the idea after people rented out pieces of the Landmine Tour and Museum for years for their in-laws to stay during visits to relatives in town,” Cracker said. “And don’t let the name fool you, we’ve only had two fatalities–a family dog and a feral schnauzer that were humping in the south field.”
In exchange for the negligible danger, CLTM offers unparralled vistas across Coma Valley and O’bert’s grassy pee spot.
“No one has ever gotten married there and you could be the first,” Cracker said.
Who needs the fake corporate thrills and piped in music of Disney Land when you can have the breath-taking thrill of a lifetime just walking across our eerily quiet fields?
“I can’t think of a better way to start a couple on the terror-filled ride that is marriage and family than this amazing, historic location,” Cracker said.
For better or worse book your destination wedding at the CLTM and redefine everything you thought your wedding should be–and don’t forget the free fireworks show included with every wedding package!

Artifacts Illiteracy & You

Coma Illiteracy 04 25 16

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] Offer: child’s juice boxes opened

My child won’t drink this. Picture below. Must take all. Porch pick up.

 

beatlejuice

[FreecycleComa] Wanted: mesh laundry bag

Looking for a mesh or cloth bag that can easily be folded and put in a suitcase that can carry some animal skins. Moving out of the country. Thanks so much. Will pick up within 50 mile radius.

email: townofcoma (at) gmail.com

ariel 2

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: Some Organ

Wurlitzer home organ circa 1960’s. Not working. Has no keys. Pedals are in good condition. Speaker fabric is ripped. Email with date and time for pick up.

townofcoma (at) gmail.com

tAnWagX

This organ is not my organ because my organ is working but gives you some idea of what my organ might be restored to if you have a lot time and meticulous attention to detail. Also, this organ has keys and mine does not. You would need to know how to play it in order to really utilize it once you spend the time to fix it.

 

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.