Archive for: April 2017
Weight, Weight Do Tell Me
Lol Girl Mystery: What the Hope Happened in Los Angeles?
By Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome things, A real Private Dick
Daddy Warbucks: Welcome back from L.A., honey. Did you learn how hard it was to make all those dreams come true for people in that town?
Marybell: Daddy I got a terrible sunburn and hit on by a guy who is like 80 with a pot belly and bald spot but who said I need to lose 20 pounds. He said he was willing to help me if I turned the lights off.
Marybell: I ran away because I already know all about being a private dick (I run LOL Mysteries Detective Agency here in Coma–my dad says I need to remind people), which is so gross.
LA is a mystery. It seems like people become special overnight but really for women it takes a lot of throwing up everything you eat or not eating and getting into dark rooms with men that are older than your dad. It also takes A LOT of tattoos and nose rings. It also takes being whatever someone with more power than you wants you to be.
My friend Hope moved to L.A. a few months ago to become a reality TV actress or a YouTube sensation at least.
Mystery Solved: How I can LOOK artistic.
By Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing Life Lived!, Private Dick (which is so gross)
Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, I understand it’s been 4 years and you’re not going to do anything with your college degree but at least you could clean up this pile of crayons drawings and used coffee mugs.
Marybell: Daddy, I haven’t eaten in two weeksw but I understand coffee and art, like the kind made by people with tattoo sleeves, old woman colored gray hair, and nose piercings.
Daddy Warbucks doesn’t understand art or nose piercings or making your 25 year old hair a mom grey color, but that doesn’t matter because I found a man who appreciates art and the fact that I wear all black and look cool and indignant! (He doesn’t have a job right now but he’s working on it)
Creative people are weird and unattractive. And recently I was wondering how can I look more creative because creative people seem to have a lot of fun if they aren’t killing themselves at a young age. But then there’s the reality that creative people are unattractive.
But people who just look creative and aren’t original can be attractive. They just can’t be competent.
Don’t get me wrong, I love nose rings, sleeve tats, gray hair on young women and skinny leather pants. I just don’t expect someone with any of those things to provide me a modicum of decent service when I need coffee or some food to eat–even those people are usually working service jobs.
When I need fast service, a decent drink, a hair cut that doesn’t make me want to kill myself or clean food I find plain ugly people. It’s almost like they can’t afford to be incompetent. Or lazy. Or superior and disengaged.
Wait. Aren’t most successful artists and writers plain and boring people? Eudora Whelty, gross. Sylvia Plath, attractive but head in the oven. It’s too bad because if no one can see how cool your inner artist is on the outside does it even exist?
Mystery solved: Artists need to LOOK artistic.
Daddy Warbucks: Can’t you just make your bed today Marybell.
Marybell: No Daddy. I just solved a mystery and now I need to spend hours at a tattoo parlor to get the just right artistic tattoo sleeve.
Of Beginnings and Middles and Granny Panties
― Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.”
Senior Parade Mistaken for Zombie Attack
A parade last weekend celebrating the oldest citizens in Coma almost turned to tragedy after one citizen mistook the shuffling seniors for a wave of moaning zombies.
The parade is the only source of exercise and fresh air for the year for many of Coma’s oldest citizens, as well as a convenient way for other residents to see who’s still alive and kicking.
The annual senior citizens parade follows a three mile route through and around town and started Saturday afternoon. kicking. Last years parade took a record 9 and a half hours.
“I had a Walking Dead marathon over the weekend,” Davis said.The Coma National Guard armory dismissed Marybell’s phone call as a prank.“Sure it was a false alarm, this time, but I would really like someone to look into the odds of a zombie attack,” Davis said. “Also, that show is fantastic and everyone should watch it.”
When asked about a zombie defense plan, Mayor Dave Anderson offered assurances that an emergency response was in place.
“That’s half the reason we have underground tunnels all throughout town,” Dave Anderson said. “That, and sometimes I just don’t feel like going outside to get a burrito.”
In the case of a zombie attack the town recommends locking your doors and barring windows, as well as filling your bathtub with water, which is a key response to any possible emergency in the town.
Advertorial: Vistas, Excitement, Weddings!
Coma is sending shock waves across the wedding industry with the launch of “Destination: Coma” by the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum.
“People ask me ‘How do people stayed married’ and my answer is always the same: Have a destination wedding,” said Sadie Cracker, marketing director for the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum (CLTM).
The CLTM recently opened as a venue for outdoor nuptials and camping for the entire wedding party and guests.
“We got the idea after people rented out pieces of the Landmine Tour and Museum for years for their in-laws to stay during visits to relatives in town,” Cracker said. “And don’t let the name fool you, we’ve only had two fatalities–a family dog and a feral schnauzer that were humping in the south field.”
In exchange for the negligible danger, CLTM offers unparralled vistas across Coma Valley and O’bert’s grassy pee spot.
“No one has ever gotten married there and you could be the first,” Cracker said.
Who needs the fake corporate thrills and piped in music of Disney Land when you can have the breath-taking thrill of a lifetime just walking across our eerily quiet fields?
“I can’t think of a better way to start a couple on the terror-filled ride that is marriage and family than this amazing, historic location,” Cracker said.
For better or worse book your destination wedding at the CLTM and redefine everything you thought your wedding should be–and don’t forget the free fireworks show included with every wedding package!
Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest
Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.
[FreecycleComa] Offer: child’s juice boxes opened
My child won’t drink this. Picture below. Must take all. Porch pick up.
[FreecycleComa] Wanted: mesh laundry bag
Looking for a mesh or cloth bag that can easily be folded and put in a suitcase that can carry some animal skins. Moving out of the country. Thanks so much. Will pick up within 50 mile radius.
email: townofcoma (at) gmail.com
[FreecycleComa] OFFER: Some Organ
Wurlitzer home organ circa 1960’s. Not working. Has no keys. Pedals are in good condition. Speaker fabric is ripped. Email with date and time for pick up.
townofcoma (at) gmail.com
Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators? Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
Please always use:
– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]
– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]
NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.