Archive for: March 2015

Freeze, In the Name of Poetry!

Freeze, In the Name of Poetry!

April is National Poetry Month and in celebration the Coma Sheriff’s Office and Coma News Daily are seeking poetry submissions for upcoming issues.


We are holding a poetry contest from March 28 to April 22, looking for well-crafted poems that touch positively on topics related to law enforcement and incarceration. Three winning poems will be announced at the end of April. Winners will receive $500 worth of coupons to Coma businesses, publication in Coma News Daily, and two copies of the issue containing the winning poem.


All entries will be read by Coma News Daily staff and winning poems will be selected by three guest judges:

Poems must be no longer than a single-spaced page, with double spaces between stanzas (font size no smaller than 11 point). Limit 3 poems per submission. Poems must be written in English or Pig Latin, and must be previously unpublished. Please include a cover sheet with your name, address, photo, measurements, and brief bio. The poem itself should contain no personal identifiers or food stains.

Submissions can be sent to comanews at gmail dot com with the subject line “Po-po Poetry.”


Podcast: It’s a Tale Pulled by an Idiot

It’s 48 degrees in Coma where birds of a feather flock together without any regard for the parked cars below. This is Coma News Daily.

I often wonder how celebrities would survive in the wilderness. The book, ‘Sean Penn eats a Rabbit’ answers that question for children.


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Listen to the episode below. Thank you for listening.

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Inspirational Quotes by Inspirational People for Inspiration


Inspirational quotes are a service from Coma News Daily in an effort to provide people the highest quality quotes for all Coma Citizens’ Twitter and Facebook quoting needs.


The quote below is brought to you by Ahhh Bistro Gravy Granules. If Abraham Lincoln can use it as bath salts then you can use it on cooked meat– Ahh Bistro Gravy Granules.


Gone, Rabbit, Gone

sean penn eats a rabbit cover

by Coma News Staff

Coma author Dee Collins released her children’s book this week at the Coma Library. “Sean Penn Eats a Rabbit,” is a whimsical tale of the popular actor’s struggle to survive in the wilderness.

“I believe a lot of children think about how celebrities would eat wild animals if they were lost in the woods,” Collins said.  “How would they prepare the meat?  Would they use utensils?  ‘Sean Penn Eats a Rabbit’ answers all of these questions.”

Collins, who has completed nearly 1,000 screenplays and more than 15 children’s books, said the book was inspired by a personal ordeal in which she was lost in the woods for two hours with only a sleeve of Fig Newton cookies to eat.

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“I was terrified,” Collins said.  “I realized that a lot of children get lost in the woods so I think this book can also be a survival guide for them.  They don’t have to be scared about going hungry.  They can just find a rabbit and eat it.”

Collins selected the award-winning actor to be her protagonist because in her opinion he was one of the few actors who could eat a raw rabbit if necessary.

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No adult or child in Coma attended the event, although all were invited. The two rabbits who attended were brought by the author.

Dr. Jimmy, Coma Physician and Dee’s ex husband was one of the people who chose not to attend. “Dee is a very creative person.” said Dr. Jimmy. “I think it’s pretty clear she has rabbit issues.”




1982 Coma DOT Creates Math Based Signs

By Stan Bargemeyer, Coma News Daily Intern

In 1982 the Coma DOT created math based road signage that would not only regulate speed but also teach valuable math lessons at the same time.  After several poorly-educated drivers were ticketed for traveling at an excess of 1,833mph the signs were quickly replaced with the standard 55mph used today in Coma. mathbasedDOTThe math based signs did not work as well as the punctuated signs that were implemented last year in Coma.

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Want to hear more about Coma history? Listen to our podcast.

Three Struck in Snatch and Soar

by Coma News Daily Staff

Three Coma residents fell victim this week to an increasingly violent crime wave, according to the Sheriff’s Office.
All three were mugged with varying degrees of violence by a group of “wild” perpetrators, according to law enforcement.
“The suspects are described as average geese of medium height and wingspan, without any distinguishing birth marks or tattoos,” said Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib.

In two instances, victims had their purses ripped out of their hands as the winged assailants fly past but in at least one case a man was knocked to the ground and had his wallet taken when he threw it in self defense, police said.
“These guys are not messing around and yes, we are worried they are becoming increasingly peckish,” Frostnib said.
The sheriff’s advice to increasingly terrified town residents included:

• Watch the male goose. If he sounds a warning, leave the area.

• Do not show fear. A show of fear may increase the intensity of the attack.

• Maintain direct eye contact. Geese interpret loss of eye contact as fear.

• Stay calm. Don’t yell or try to hit them, or others may join the attack.

• Keep your chest and face pointed at the goose. Never turn your back on it.

• Walk slowly backwards if it hisses at you or spreads its wings. Use peripheral vision to avoid tripping over obstacles.

“And may God not abandon us in our hour of peril,” Frostnib said.

Want to hear more Coma News Daily? Listen to our podcast.

Injuries to Top Two at Coma Hattin’

By Thomas Steven John
Coma News Daily Future Reporter

Two participants will suffer serious–although, not life-threatening–injuries in the town’s annual competition to place hats on local pets and wildlife.

Both injuries will entail damaged knees to local competitive hatters during the flightless bird segment of the annual Coma Hattin’ contest, during which contestants try to catch and “hat” a selected animal running free in a 30-feet-wide circular pen.

The coming injuries appeared to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.


Neither of the soon-to-injured competitors believed this reporter’s warnings of the imminent suffering.

“That’s the kind of anti-science zealotry that makes people distrust the media so much,” Natalie Peters said when told of her coming injury.

Peters will tear the MCL, LCL, and ACL in her right knee while chasing a clipped pigeon around the fenced Hattin ‘ ring. Instead of placing a tiny  bowler hat on the bird’s head, Peters will be carted off the field in screaming pain.

The other soon-to-be injured hatter, Jax Owen, will suffer a sprained knee while trying slide tackle a chicken and place a small academic mortar board on it.

“What, did Bob put you up to this?” Owen said when a reporter told him about his looming injury. “No way that skinny S.O.B.’s gonna get me to drop out and forfeit the pot.”

Although Coma Hattin’ is a charity event steeped in the town’s pioneer history, illegal betting by spectators in bleachers surrounding the so-called thunderdome is rumored to total tens of thousands of dollars each year.

Betting among the illegal bookies in town will close abruptly after this article is published because it also reports that this year’s overall winner will be Mayor Dave Anderson.

Editorial: Consider the Buzzard

By Thomas Steven John

We’ve been thinking about buzzards all week. No not the adorable Coma Youth baseball team, but our majestic winged friends that live off the flesh of dead animals.

Specifically, we’re thinking about the town’s latest construction site located so close to the nest of two of the birds.

It is worth noting that state wildlife officials have said the work is not disturbing the birds, which seem intent on protecting their egg and an adjacent McDonald’s dumpster.

Beaky Buzzard copy-774637

Coma News Daily journalists have thoroughly inspected the egg and found no damage (a second egg we accidently dropped into the dumpster was likely unfertilized).

So after some thought and debate, we don’t see any reason why construction should be held up until the baby buzzard (let’s call him Buzzby) has hatched and left his nest later in the summer.

But Coma is a small town full of people who pay attention, talk, dream about flying, and vote.

Moving forward with construction for the sake of efficiency doesn’t seem worth the risk to the town’s reputation or ruffling the feathers of powerful bird watching activists.

On the other hand, town leaders shouldn’t let their constituents’ enjoyment of a new nature center be delayed for months to satisfy the whims of one powerful faction.

On the other, other hand, as journalists, we often help fan the flames of such controversies and will most certainly do so in this case.

So we conclude that the town would be better off delaying the multimillion dollar project but we really, really hope they do not. If not for the sake of Buzzby, then for our otherwise boring editorials.