Archive for: April 2015

Podcast: An Artisanal Foot Bucket

It’s one month into spring here in Coma and that means we’re 10 degrees above freezing and hip deep in yard sales. This is Coma News Daily.


How To Anything:You can become a brain surgeon in just one weekend.

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WORK WANTED- Sir Juggles the Clown

Work wanted posts are a community service offered by Coma News Daily.

I am an experienced clown looking to entertain at your next Shareholder’s meeting, business grand opening or gala event. I am not like other clowns.


This picture is a great example of the type of entertainment my upscale clowning could provide at your next Gala event.

I don’t do balloon tricks or spray seltzer water. I wear nice, formal attire and if you were to look at me you would have NO IDEA I am a clown. DON’T CALL ABOUT CHILDREN’S BIRTHDAY PARTIES! I am not that type of clown!

I can also recite classical poetry if you like. Call for rates and availability and let’s get WACKY!

By wacky I mean lets have an enjoyable, sane and very professional occasion.

email me Juggles @ townofcoma at


‘Road Warrior’ Put Down

By Coma News Daily Staff

Ultimately, it wasn’t the Thunderdome  that got the Coma’s feathery Road Warrior but a bureaucrat.

Coma Animal Control on Monday euthanized a turkey that for weeks had caused traffic problems on Route 12 near Daschle Farm west of downtown.

The turkey, dubbed Mad Max by local motorists, had been darting across Route 12 for weeks, causing traffic delays.

“This wild animal presented an  unprecedented disturbance for Route 12,” said Town Councilwoman Natalie Peters, who almost crashed her BMW i series sedan with massaging leather seats trying to avoid Max.


The staff at Coma News Daily believes that Mad Max the turkey has gone on to a better place.

Coma Animal Control, along with the Coma Sheriff’s Office, had tried to wrangle in the turkey and relocate him, but several attempts were unsuccessful.

Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib said officers had received many complaints from residents over the past few weeks about turkeys roaming the neighborhoods.

It’s mating season for turkeys, he said, and they’re generally attracted to shiny objects, such as mirrored buildings and speeding cars.

Still, some Coma residents are not happy about how Animal Control handled the situation.

“They could have done something more humane to solve the problem– like letting our shoppers enjoy this locally sourced guilt-free indulgence for around $20 a pound,” said Bob Smith, owner of Bob’s Organic.

Funny or Crash on Coma Roads

By Coma News Daily Staff

A tragedy is just one serious conversation away.

That’s why the Town Council this week banned all serious  conversations in cars, trucks or on bicycles on Coma roadways.

“Research has demonstrated that hands-free phones do nothing to reduce distracted driving if the driver is engaged in a serious conversation, so the solution was obvious,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters.

She expects drivers will have no problem filling their drives instead meaningless prattle or even fart jokes, if they must.


Coma News Daily has learned that the South Dakota ban on “jerking while driving” has also resonated with the Coma Town Council and will be brought up in future meetings as a public safety issue.

Mayor Dave Anderson said the previous hands-free device requirement did nothing to address distracting conversations among the occupants of a vehicle.

“Addressing the death of a loved one, the kids missing, or an escaped serial killer are all serious conversations, and they can all wait,” Anderson said.

The new ban will be promoted through a campaign called “Seriously, Wait.” It followed previous distracted driving bans on pets in vehicles (“Lassie, Stay Home!”), and eating in vehicles (“Drop It, Tubby!”), and
children in vehicles (“Bye, Kids!”).

The lone dissenting Council member, Jax Owen, worried that the ban will place an undue burden on Coma drivers.

“Look, no can avoid being at least momentarily serious,” Owen said. “I’m one of the funniest people I know and even I have a hard time coming up with enough gut-busting musings to fill the time it takes to drive my mom to all her doctors’ appointments.”

Robert McGuiness said he was disappointed in the latest ban.

“How in good conscience are these so-called leaders allowing the defenseless sheep of this town to even get behind the wheel?” McGuiness said in an apparent reference to residents.

He plans to make all of his important calls while unicycling.

Coma Spring to Comfort No One

By Thomas Steven John, Future Reporter

Wide-spread disappointment will dominate among participants in this weekend’s competitive mattress exchange.

“Coma Spring,” the annual mattress-based competition where participants bring a matress and the winners get to go home with the bed of their choice will be held this coming Saturday. Participants’ post-race views came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Marlee Baumgartner, said about her impending disappointment with the used California King mattress she will win. “Still, if you don’t play, you can’t win.”


The race was started six years ago during the depths of the recession by Coma resident Sadie Cracker as a way to find affordable replacement beds. Winners have the highest combined score from five races, including the 50-yard mattess carry and three-legged race across a field of mattresses.

“If years of sleepless nights from blown springs and draw-dropping sticker shock from new mattress prices aren’t enough to motivate racers, then nothing can,” Cracker said about the race.

Marybell Davis will be one of many racers to drop out of the race after faceplanting on several mysterious stains.

“I have never been so uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time,” Davis will tell a friend after the race.
She will go home with a consolation mattress from the Coma Hyatt.

Does a Sasquatch Frequent the Coma Taco Bell?

by Coma News Daily Staff

According to Coma News Daily employee and part-time Taco Bell enthusiast Chase Donovan, a hairy ape-like creature routinely visits the Taco Bell where he eats at least once or twice each month and has been doing so for the past six months.

Donovan, who eats at the popular fast-food restaurant chain every day and sometimes twice a day over the past year, said the creature typically comes late in the evening, right before closing and has a voracious appetite.

Bigfoot Taco Bell

ABOVE: Sketch of the Sasquatch Donovan says frequents the local Taco Bell

“The first couple times he came in, I didn’t realize he was a Bigfoot because he was wearing sunglasses so it was hard to tell,” Donovan said.  “But then one time he came in and just smelled terrible.  I never smelled something that bad in my life.  That’s when I took a closer look and realized he was a big hairy ape-like creature.  Plus, he’s like seven-feet tall or something, so that was a giveaway too.”

According to Donovan, the creature usually orders enough food to feed a family of four and is hard to understand when ordering his food, relying on a series of grunts and pointing to the menu board behind the cashier.

“He likes the Cheesy Gordita Crunch and the Beefy 5-Layer Burrito,” Donovan said.  “He went completely ape-shit when we recently started selling the Loaded Potato Griller and the Beefy Nacho Griller.  He’s going to freak out and probably lose it when that promotion ends.  But it shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody because we tell people it’s only available for a limited time but people still get all butt-hurt when it goes away.”

Some of  Taco Bell employees aren’t convinced the mysterious creature is, in fact, a Sasquatch.  According to drive-thru attendant Matt McPherson, the “strange creature” is a local patron named Hank Cummings.

“Hank smokes a lot of weed and pretty much does nothing all day,” McPherson said.  “He reeks and comes down here late at night when he’s been playing World of Warcraft all day and gets the munchies big time.  That dude can eat some food!  And he’s got a lot of hair. ”

ABOVE: Hank Cummings, who some say is the person Donovan has confused for a bigfoot creature

ABOVE: Hank Cummings, who some say is the person Donovan has confused for a Bigfoot.

For now, however, Donovan is sticking to his claims that the creature is in fact a Sasquatch.  He plans on getting physical proof the next time he sees him while eating at the restaurant.


How To Anything: Be Boba Fett

Coma News Daily intern Stan Bargemeyer teaches you how-to anything as a service of Coma News Daily.

A 1998 University of New Mexico study found that the most respected and feared person in the history of the Earth is Boba Fett, the fun-loving bounty hunter from the popular Star Wars films. You can harness the power of Boba Fett by actually becoming Boba Fett.  Follow the simple steps below:

1. You will need a copy of Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back, an authentic Boba Fett helmet, a jet pack and racing gloves (optional).

boba 1

2. Watch the film Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back numerous times.  Study Boba’s movements, speech, comedic timing and his general attitude.  You will want to duplicate this as much as possible.

boba 2

3. When you’re ready, start wearing the Boba Fett helmet around town or at work.  For added effect, consider including the jet pack and reacing gloves.  For an even more dramatic effect, consider carrying around a lightsaber.  You’re only limited by your imagination.

Boba 3




Lost & Found Coma

Lost & Found Coma

Lost my travel safe somewhere in downtown Coma. It’s a beige Yelpie safe and I think I left in the local Coma Foot Bucket fast food restaurant.

yelpiesafeIt’s very important I get this back!!!! The safe contains more than $10,000 in cash and several important documents including credit cards, social security cards and more. If you think you might have this safe please try entering the code: 54-23-17. If the safe opens then you have my safe! Please email Byron @ if you have my safe. Thank you.