Archive for: May 2017
The following is paid advertisement and does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.
From the mind of Bob Smith-Smith, former Coma Town Councilman, father, grandfather and twice married businessman, comes a breakthrough directional tool for Generation X, called simply YOKO.
Bob Smith-Smith: I developed YOKO, based on the WAZE App, because I can’t always be there to direct my kids and grandkids, and tell them “Oh no you’re doing that wrong.” And below is an example of how it works.
Guy who is 43, wearing a plaid flannel, and listening to Beastie Boys, “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” : YOKO, Is it ok if my kids play in the yard without me hovering three feet away?
YOKO APP: Oh no, don’t do that. You’re a failure as a parent.
Guy working at a used book store in the Japanimation section: YOKO, Is there anything I can do to get out of this career slump?
YOKO APP: Oh no, your job is meaningless. But you can always live in my basement.
GIRL wearing a beret and an ironic “hang in there” tee-shirt: YOKO, are my mom and dad right that I need a practical degree from a good college?
YOKO APP: Oh no, you should follow your street art dreams. You’ll always have your grandfather’s basement to live in.
Bob Smith-Smith: Finally, you can make sure the voice of experience and reason are always with you, to give you the right direction for your life.
Remember when Coma politicians wanted to ‘Save the World‘ one outdoor-summer-small-town venue at a time?
The band “Save the World,” which is comprised of Coma baby boomer politicians has lowered their sights a bit during this year’s summer tour.
“We realized ‘the world’ is very large. We are just three amazing musicians and that chick tambourine player, so literally saving the world is a lot to ask,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson.
Anderson not only plays lead guitar for the band but also leads a town government known for pioneering new tax schemes, like a sidewalk use tax and a buzzard-landed-on your-property tax.
“What we know we can save is the bar scene in Coma,” Anderson said. “Right now, there’s way too much jazz and Sadie Cracker playing some weird accoustic crap because she’s the only attractive woman in town. We realized that once again what’s needed is more overplayed 60s music–and John Lennon references, lots of Lennon references.”
This summer ‘Save the World’ will play every bar, restaurant and food truck gathering in Coma–and possibly some grocery stores.
“I never realized about it before,” said Bob Smith-Smith, former Town Council member and the band’s drummer. “But what the world really needs is some shredding between their lettuce heads. And do mean the guitar kind of shedding and not the food processor kind. Also, my current wife, who is almost 30 years younger than me and super hot, will really love to hear me play guitar while she’s purchasing some salad ingredients.”
Some people who don’t feel the same, including the newest member of Save the World, Jax Owen.
“We’re just better at larger venues, where I’m also more likely to find some lonely married women who need someone to love them for just 3 to 4 minutes,” Owen said.
The main goal of the band this year remains the same: To spread the wisdom and integrity of the baby boomer generation to “all of those Gen Xers who are pretty much idiots about life,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters, who plays the “very important” tambourine.
So check out Save the World this summer, as it saves bars and produce aisles all over Coma. Details on play dates and locations can be found on the town government.
By Coma News Staff
A study released by the Coma Institute for Research & Understanding Things (CIRUT) suggests that people with the name Dog Bone are seven percent more likely to own a gas-powered chainsaw and 162 percent more likely to sever a limb with a chainsaw than people who are not named Dog Bone.
Dr. Jimmy conducted the study as part of a national grant he received to “study” important things related to Coma with researchers at CIRUT.
The study found that people named Dog Bone have a greater chance of having a tattoo on their neck or face and are more likely not to “give a damn” about “stupid bullshit” like math, individual retirement accounts or proper dental hygiene.
The study was conducted over the course of 36-weeks and had one participant. Researchers said they would have preferred to include more participants in the study but could only find one person in Coma named Dog Bone.
“It would have been nice to have more subjects,” Dr. Jimmy said.
The full report will be released later this month.
Dog Bone Higgens refused to comment saying he “doesn’t give a damn about stupid bullshit.” like a news article.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the women who every day choose to love and care for other human beings and put all those needs before their own. What a beautiful testament to grace. This column is for you.
I’m standing in my kitchen making spaghetti for the third time this week and humming, “Traveling Kind” by Emmylou Harris. Four soccer games, a school diorama project, my full time job, kitchen cleaning has rendered any energy I might have for a Rachel Ray style dinner moot. Suddenly, Johnny runs into the kitchen with his small hands clasped around something. “Mommy look what I found.” He said.
“What is it?” I said.
He opens his small, still fat, baby hands. At seven he’s so hopeful and excited about everything — a life untainted by all the disappointment and I’m afraid of what’s in his hands and that it’s something aweful and I’m gonna have to tell him to get rid of it.
“His name is Maxwell.” said Johnny.
And inside his hands sits a small brown frog that is no bigger than a quarter. “I’m gonna keep Maxwell.” He said. “He’s gonna be with me forever.”
I’m gonna let him down right now. All the hope in his face is gonna fall when I say the one thing I need to:
“Buddy, we can’t keep Maxwell.” I put my ear down near his small hands. “Maxwell just told me he has to be free. He needs to be outside and he needs to live his life. He’ll never be happy if we keep him inside.”
And Johnny’s eyes well up with tears. “If you love something you set it free. Daddy used to say that. It’s dumb. It’s dumb, dumb, dumb and I hate it.”
“It’s true. If you love Maxwell you gotta let him go find a river, or a blade of grass, and you just have to believe that you might see him again because he’ll remember how kind and tender you were with him and how much you cared about what he needed.” I said.
“Or he won’t.” said Johnny.
“And that’s okay too.” I said.
It’s Thursday night and Ladies Night and revamped old hymn night at Bear’s Biker bar in Coma and the publisher of Coma News Daily told me if I write one more story about, “playing dumb songs in a bar full of drunk locals” he won’t publish it. But it’s also Mother’s Day weekend and I once again reminded him that I’m a mom who works a full time job, raises kids, takes care of an ailing father, and that he is really doing a service to the female community by letting me have a voice in the paper.
“Just don’t be depressing.” He said. “Stop talking about love and realities. No one wants to read real stuff anymore especially when it’s written by a 40 year old woman.”
And Charlie, a local motorcycle enthusiast and the Coma Librarian, is up on stage playing, “Let Him Fly” by Patty Griffin and it’s funny to hear him belt it out so strong and I look at the beer in front of me and giggle to hear Charlie, “I’m gonna let him fly. I’m gonna let him fly.”
Bear, the local 30 year old skate rat punk and owner of the bar, is playing Go Fish with my Dad, Stan Bargemeyer, at the other side of the bar.
“Do you have a five.”
“Go fish, buddy.” said Stan.
“What?! How is that possible?? You just showed me your hand and you had a 5??” said Bear.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re crazy.” said Stan. And Stan, who remembered to put on his pants tonight and struggles in his Alzheimer’s, shows Bear all of his cards.
“That’s a five.” said Bear.
“No buddy. That’s a six.”
“I’m gonna let him fly, ” sings Charlie. “I’m gonna let him fly.”
I’m waiting for Jack. Jack is late and it’s okay because tonight is the last night I’ll see him for quite some time. I thought after Michael died and left me alone that I wouldn’t love someone again. I was okay with being alone, it was lonely, but it was my pain. And as long as I was alone I knew I wouldn’t hurt again. Then Marybell posted my picture in local Paneara’s and somehow Jack appeared in my life.
But tonight he’s leaving for LA. He accepted a teaching position at UCLA and California is not the same as Coma.
“You could come with me.” said Jack.
“I can’t. I need to stay here and take care of my Dad. I need to stay here and take care of my kids.” I said.
“But you could come if you wanted to.” He said.
“You could stay if you wanted to.” I said.
“You could visit.” He said.
“You’re gonna be so busy.” I said. “With all those 20 year old coeds who think you are so amazing because you are successful.”
And I look at his face and all the lines of age and the beautiful way his entire forehead crinkles when he thinks about something and I’m old enough to no longer believe in fairy tales. I’m old enough to know that this life isn’t always fair.
“You gotta let Maxwell go, Johnny.” I said.
And up onstage Charlie sings “Mary” by Patty Griffin and promises that the next song will be “I’ll Fly Away” which is the first song I learned to play on the banjo. I remember my grandma in her apron in the kitchen making a pie for my grandfather from scratch and humming “I’ll Fly Away” and it’s hard to remember how beautiful a moment like that is when you see someone just so grateful to love another human being.
“Sadie Cracker. Sadie Cracker. Come up here and sing with me.” said Charlie.
I shake my head, no. “I’m waiting for someone.” and Charlie laughs. It’s only my father, Bear, Charlie, and me in this bar.
“Just come up here and sing.” He said.
So I pick up my acoustic guitar and walk to the stage.
“What are you gonna play?” said Charlie.
“I think,’ a love that will never grow old’ by Emmylou Harris.” I said.
And I strum the guitar three times and start to sing. My father is still at the end of the bar fighting with Bear about a 5 card.
‘Go to sleep may your sweet dreams come true
Just lay back in my arms for one more night
I’ve this crazy old notion that calls me sometimes
Saying this one’s the love of our lives…’
And the door opens and I see Jack standing there with his scratchy beard and great hair. I see him standing there and I know I will miss him so much.
And Johnny’s eyes well up with tears. “If you love something you set it free. Daddy used to say that. It’s dumb. It’s dumb, dumb, dumb and I hate it.”
‘I know a love that will never grow old’ I sing. I sing it loud because I want to believe in it. I don’t want to give up on that.
Editor’s note: As part of Coma News’ community outreach, the following blog excerpt is one of a selection of local online postings we will re-publish by residents and business owners.
Mystery Solved: Nothing Depends on a Red Wheelbarrow
By Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome things
Daddy Warbucks: “Marybell have you made any money yet?”
Me: “No way Daddy but I solved another Internet mystery and this one is not about an ex-boyfriend. It’s about poetry”
Daddy Warbucks: “College degree! $200,000! Marybell! Blah blah!”
So I went to this poetry reading. BOR-ing. but then I was surprised because some of the poetry was actually short and they had a lot of wine. Good!
One guy I like a lot was William Carlos Williams because his stuff is shorter than tweeting. Sort of like the first tweeter in history.
Sadie Cracker made me go to the poetry thing because she said I need to get out and meet real people and not just “stalk people” on the Internet. So I went and was not surprised to find most of the poetry was horrible.
Stan Bargemeyer read something about his knee socks and then my ex-boyfriend Jax got up and said we should all stop reading poetry and get out to the forest. Everyone cheered when he left.
When we left right after that I explained to her that “nothing depends on a red wheelbarrow anymore because we have cars and ride on lawnmowers and tractors.”
I don’t think she got it.
This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.
My Amazing Screenplay
I’m Dee Collins and all I do is sit around and pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then try to sell them through traditional classified advertising methods. Read my ad below and contact me to buy my screenplay!
I’ve just completed my latest screenplay and it is really good! It’s called “The Pretty Good Wall” and it is a sequel to the mega-blockbuster film “The Great Wall” starring Matt Damon.
This movie has everything you want in a movie. It has Matt Damon. It has a wall. It has EVERYTHING!
Below is a sample of one scene. If you like it and would like to buy it, please let me know.
I’m offering it at a discount right now for only $400,000 but you better act fast because this deal won’t last. This is going to be a hot property because of the unprecedented success of “The Great Wall.”
Matt Damon is back at it. After defending the Great Wall of China, Matt finds himself protecting a modest brick wall in the foothills of the Sahara Desert from evil, fire-breathing dragons. Featuring popular actor Jon Hamm and the voice of Academy Award winner Meryl Streep as “Beans the Dragon”, The Pretty Good Wall will raise the bar on movies about walls.
EXT. SAHARA DESERT- DAY
Matt Damon and popular actor Jon Hamm are standing behind a modest, ten-foot long wall in the middle of the desert. Both men look haggard and exhausted. Dirt and blood cover their faces. They stare off in the distance, spears and weapons clutched firmly in their hands.
Man, I love walls.
Me too, Jon. Me too.
But I HATE dragons, LOL!
Matt Damon laughs and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.
I was just thinking the same thing. That’s funny Jon. Very funny.
The two men continue to stare off in the distance, scanning the vacant horizon. Jon moves his spear from one hand to the other and shakes out his free hand.
My hand keeps cramping up.
Yeah. I hate that.
Man, I love this wall. I mean, I love ALL walls. They are just like the best things in the world. But this one…this one is really awesome.
I’m surprised you haven’t tried to hump it yet, LOL!
Matt Damon bursts into hysterical laughter.
The day is still young, Jon Hamm! The day is still young!
The two men go silent again and return their gaze to the horizon. Jon Hamm steps forward. His eyes narrow.
Is that a dragon?
Jon Hamm points to somewhere far off in the distance. Matt Damon steps forward and studies the area for a moment.
No. I think it’s a kite.
Jon Hamm walks forward, his eyes still locked on the horizon.
Oh. Yeah. I think you’re right.
Fucking kites, man. I mean…what’s the point?
Matt Damon laughs heartily and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.
So true, Jon Hamm. That is spot on. I was thinking the same thing. That’s definitely laugh-out-loud funny!
The two men continue to stare off in the distance.
That’s all you get for now! Remember, The Great Wall is a gigantic, international blockbuster! People will want a sequel. This is that sequel! Anyhow, contact me! Let’s make movies!
By Thomas Steven John, Future Reporter
Its time to set your pitchforks to “roast,” Coma.
In a bold political move–eventually referred to as “one of the worst decisions ever”–Mayor Dave Anderson will spearhead next week a local ordinance banning caffeinated substances of any kind.
This reporter has learned about the town’s coming “cafe-maggedon” from a peyote-fueled fever dream eventually treated with coffee.
The ban will spawn almost immediate opposition once everyone realized Mayor Anderson wasn’t joking. “We need to ban everything because people are clearly idiots and can’t make rational decisions.” Mayor Anderson will say.
The ban will be enacted as an unnoticed provision of an omnibus bill conferring a range of dog rights.
Days after the ban hospitals will be flooded with migraine victims as local stores institute cartel-level pricing on Tylenol and other over-the-counter painkillers.
The Society for People Who Write Stuff at Coffee Shops will be forced to disband about 20 minutes after the ban begins. It will take the town years to recover from the loss of the fearless vanguard of writers awaiting immanent acclaim for their blogs and comments section posts.
All union workers will vote unanimously to delay the start of workdays until noon or 2pm on Mondays. The town’s afternoon nap incentive program will finally receive the funding it has long deserved.
Illegal chocolate covered coffee bean runners will spread through town “beaning” customers and baffling police, who will be powerless to care about their crime.
Several protests-turned-riots will demand the town’s lights be “turned down a bit and could everyone just shut up for once?”
The ban on caffeine will last for approximately 12 days until City Hall insiders discover Mayor Anderson’s secret cache of 80-pound bags of light roast Colombian hidden behind a false wall in his office.