Archive for: May 2017
The following is paid advertisement and does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.
From the mind of Bob Smith-Smith, former Coma Town Councilman, father, grandfather and twice married businessman, comes a breakthrough directional tool for Generation X, called simply YOKO.
Bob Smith-Smith: I developed YOKO, based on the WAZE App, because I can’t always be there to direct my kids and grandkids, and tell them “Oh no you’re doing that wrong.” And below is an example of how it works.
Guy who is 43, wearing a plaid flannel, and listening to Beastie Boys, “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” : YOKO, Is it ok if my kids play in the yard without me hovering three feet away?
YOKO APP: Oh no, don’t do that. You’re a failure as a parent.
Guy working at a used book store in the Japanimation section: YOKO, Is there anything I can do to get out of this career slump?
YOKO APP: Oh no, your job is meaningless. But you can always live in my basement.
GIRL wearing a beret and an ironic “hang in there” tee-shirt: YOKO, are my mom and dad right that I need a practical degree from a good college?
YOKO APP: Oh no, you should follow your street art dreams. You’ll always have your grandfather’s basement to live in.
Bob Smith-Smith: Finally, you can make sure the voice of experience and reason are always with you, to give you the right direction for your life.
Remember when Coma politicians wanted to ‘Save the World‘ one outdoor-summer-small-town venue at a time?
The band “Save the World,” which is comprised of Coma baby boomer politicians has lowered their sights a bit during this year’s summer tour.
“We realized ‘the world’ is very large. We are just three amazing musicians and that chick tambourine player, so literally saving the world is a lot to ask,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson.
Anderson not only plays lead guitar for the band but also leads a town government known for pioneering new tax schemes, like a sidewalk use tax and a buzzard-landed-on your-property tax.
“What we know we can save is the bar scene in Coma,” Anderson said. “Right now, there’s way too much jazz and Sadie Cracker playing some weird accoustic crap because she’s the only attractive woman in town. We realized that once again what’s needed is more overplayed 60s music–and John Lennon references, lots of Lennon references.”
This summer ‘Save the World’ will play every bar, restaurant and food truck gathering in Coma–and possibly some grocery stores.
“I never realized about it before,” said Bob Smith-Smith, former Town Council member and the band’s drummer. “But what the world really needs is some shredding between their lettuce heads. And do mean the guitar kind of shedding and not the food processor kind. Also, my current wife, who is almost 30 years younger than me and super hot, will really love to hear me play guitar while she’s purchasing some salad ingredients.”
Some people who don’t feel the same, including the newest member of Save the World, Jax Owen.
“We’re just better at larger venues, where I’m also more likely to find some lonely married women who need someone to love them for just 3 to 4 minutes,” Owen said.
The main goal of the band this year remains the same: To spread the wisdom and integrity of the baby boomer generation to “all of those Gen Xers who are pretty much idiots about life,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters, who plays the “very important” tambourine.
So check out Save the World this summer, as it saves bars and produce aisles all over Coma. Details on play dates and locations can be found on the town government.
By Coma News Staff
A study released by the Coma Institute for Research & Understanding Things (CIRUT) suggests that people with the name Dog Bone are seven percent more likely to own a gas-powered chainsaw and 162 percent more likely to sever a limb with a chainsaw than people who are not named Dog Bone.
Dr. Jimmy conducted the study as part of a national grant he received to “study” important things related to Coma with researchers at CIRUT.
The study found that people named Dog Bone have a greater chance of having a tattoo on their neck or face and are more likely not to “give a damn” about “stupid bullshit” like math, individual retirement accounts or proper dental hygiene.
The study was conducted over the course of 36-weeks and had one participant. Researchers said they would have preferred to include more participants in the study but could only find one person in Coma named Dog Bone.
“It would have been nice to have more subjects,” Dr. Jimmy said.
The full report will be released later this month.
Dog Bone Higgens refused to comment saying he “doesn’t give a damn about stupid bullshit.” like a news article.
Editor’s note: As part of Coma News’ community outreach, the following blog excerpt is one of a selection of local online postings we will re-publish by residents and business owners.
Mystery Solved: Nothing Depends on a Red Wheelbarrow
By Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome things
Daddy Warbucks: “Marybell have you made any money yet?”
Me: “No way Daddy but I solved another Internet mystery and this one is not about an ex-boyfriend. It’s about poetry”
Daddy Warbucks: “College degree! $200,000! Marybell! Blah blah!”
So I went to this poetry reading. BOR-ing. but then I was surprised because some of the poetry was actually short and they had a lot of wine. Good!
One guy I like a lot was William Carlos Williams because his stuff is shorter than tweeting. Sort of like the first tweeter in history.
Sadie Cracker made me go to the poetry thing because she said I need to get out and meet real people and not just “stalk people” on the Internet. So I went and was not surprised to find most of the poetry was horrible.
Stan Bargemeyer read something about his knee socks and then my ex-boyfriend Jax got up and said we should all stop reading poetry and get out to the forest. Everyone cheered when he left.
When we left right after that I explained to her that “nothing depends on a red wheelbarrow anymore because we have cars and ride on lawnmowers and tractors.”
I don’t think she got it.
This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.
My Amazing Screenplay
I’m Dee Collins and all I do is sit around and pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then try to sell them through traditional classified advertising methods. Read my ad below and contact me to buy my screenplay!
I’ve just completed my latest screenplay and it is really good! It’s called “The Pretty Good Wall” and it is a sequel to the mega-blockbuster film “The Great Wall” starring Matt Damon.
This movie has everything you want in a movie. It has Matt Damon. It has a wall. It has EVERYTHING!
Below is a sample of one scene. If you like it and would like to buy it, please let me know.
I’m offering it at a discount right now for only $400,000 but you better act fast because this deal won’t last. This is going to be a hot property because of the unprecedented success of “The Great Wall.”
Matt Damon is back at it. After defending the Great Wall of China, Matt finds himself protecting a modest brick wall in the foothills of the Sahara Desert from evil, fire-breathing dragons. Featuring popular actor Jon Hamm and the voice of Academy Award winner Meryl Streep as “Beans the Dragon”, The Pretty Good Wall will raise the bar on movies about walls.
EXT. SAHARA DESERT- DAY
Matt Damon and popular actor Jon Hamm are standing behind a modest, ten-foot long wall in the middle of the desert. Both men look haggard and exhausted. Dirt and blood cover their faces. They stare off in the distance, spears and weapons clutched firmly in their hands.
Man, I love walls.
Me too, Jon. Me too.
But I HATE dragons, LOL!
Matt Damon laughs and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.
I was just thinking the same thing. That’s funny Jon. Very funny.
The two men continue to stare off in the distance, scanning the vacant horizon. Jon moves his spear from one hand to the other and shakes out his free hand.
My hand keeps cramping up.
Yeah. I hate that.
Man, I love this wall. I mean, I love ALL walls. They are just like the best things in the world. But this one…this one is really awesome.
I’m surprised you haven’t tried to hump it yet, LOL!
Matt Damon bursts into hysterical laughter.
The day is still young, Jon Hamm! The day is still young!
The two men go silent again and return their gaze to the horizon. Jon Hamm steps forward. His eyes narrow.
Is that a dragon?
Jon Hamm points to somewhere far off in the distance. Matt Damon steps forward and studies the area for a moment.
No. I think it’s a kite.
Jon Hamm walks forward, his eyes still locked on the horizon.
Oh. Yeah. I think you’re right.
Fucking kites, man. I mean…what’s the point?
Matt Damon laughs heartily and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.
So true, Jon Hamm. That is spot on. I was thinking the same thing. That’s definitely laugh-out-loud funny!
The two men continue to stare off in the distance.
That’s all you get for now! Remember, The Great Wall is a gigantic, international blockbuster! People will want a sequel. This is that sequel! Anyhow, contact me! Let’s make movies!
By Thomas Steven John, Future Reporter
Its time to set your pitchforks to “roast,” Coma.
In a bold political move–eventually referred to as “one of the worst decisions ever”–Mayor Dave Anderson will spearhead next week a local ordinance banning caffeinated substances of any kind.
This reporter has learned about the town’s coming “cafe-maggedon” from a peyote-fueled fever dream eventually treated with coffee.
The ban will spawn almost immediate opposition once everyone realized Mayor Anderson wasn’t joking. “We need to ban everything because people are clearly idiots and can’t make rational decisions.” Mayor Anderson will say.
The ban will be enacted as an unnoticed provision of an omnibus bill conferring a range of dog rights.
Days after the ban hospitals will be flooded with migraine victims as local stores institute cartel-level pricing on Tylenol and other over-the-counter painkillers.
The Society for People Who Write Stuff at Coffee Shops will be forced to disband about 20 minutes after the ban begins. It will take the town years to recover from the loss of the fearless vanguard of writers awaiting immanent acclaim for their blogs and comments section posts.
All union workers will vote unanimously to delay the start of workdays until noon or 2pm on Mondays. The town’s afternoon nap incentive program will finally receive the funding it has long deserved.
Illegal chocolate covered coffee bean runners will spread through town “beaning” customers and baffling police, who will be powerless to care about their crime.
Several protests-turned-riots will demand the town’s lights be “turned down a bit and could everyone just shut up for once?”
The ban on caffeine will last for approximately 12 days until City Hall insiders discover Mayor Anderson’s secret cache of 80-pound bags of light roast Colombian hidden behind a false wall in his office.
In 1862 Coma’s entire chicken population was evenly divided and trained to fight for each side of the Civil War, sent off with great fanfare and never heard from again
In 1920 an unknown number and variety of land mines were buried in and about the town of Coma and none whatsoever were removed
In 1972 the Great Hippy Riots reduced the entirety of South Coma and its Hemp Garment District to a smoldering ash heap, which it remains to this day
The past is largely painful and full of things we don’t want to remember; and
The internet now allows us to change everything about our past for a more hopeful future
A new focus solely on the limitless possibilities and good intentions of the future is now possible through internet chat
There is no more reason to look at all the things that have happened and rather focus on what could be
NOW, THEREFORE, DO I,
Mayor of the Town of Coma, proclaim
May as the month we ban all things that are in the past from being spoken about unless using Morse Code or Telegram.