Archive for: May 2017

Mystery Solved: The Heart of a Man

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Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, maybe you should start thinking about getting a job rather than this private detective stuff. It seems like its just not panning out because there’s no money in it.
Marybell: Daddy, that’s sexist. How much was Einstein paid for his theory of eels and stuff?
It’s almost impossible to be a private dick in a mans world.
Men are mysteries. Like, why do they put their hands down their pants? Why do they stay in a bathroom for two hours and still walk out and their hair isn’t even combed? Why do they wear Jockey shorts, which is so sexist–there are women jockeys, people!
All these questions remind me of the time at a zoo I saw a gorilla hurling his own fecese at the shatter proof glass and I know this is not a good comparison because men have totally evolved beyond poop jokes and the need to have sex with some poor small much younger monkey lady?
But beyond all of the intricacies of men that I’ve mentioned above, I wanted to solve the greatest man-mystery of all: how you get to the heart of a man. Even more important, what is at the heart of a man? Is it love? Is it the need for intimate talks and walks on the beach? Is it every Lifetime movie where the man just wants to deeply understand what is inside of a woman’s heart? In short, what makes men tick?
So I went to the only place that made sense–an airport bar.
I sat next to a middle-age dude, we’ll call him airport guy, who was trying very hard to help a girl my age remember her phone number.
“What’s your phone number?” airport guy said.
“I don’t remember,” phone girl said and left the bar.
My phone was dying and the bar had a charging station under where airport guy was sitting so obviously I said “can I put my chord between your legs?”
And he looked at me and suddenly asked me the nicest thing.
“How is your day going?”
So we talked about really really important things like Tinder and he told me that chick who couldn’t remember her number really missed out on his texting skills. I told him i was a detective writing about the heart of men. He also told me that he’s also a private dick “in a way” and is also a writer–just like me!
Of course I gave him my email address so he could share his stories.
We said our goodbyes and when he finally sent me a story it was all about how I could help him in some really gross ways. It was also illustrated with “private dick” photos that were so gross and no one should have to see.
I was confused. Is this the heart of a man? So, I asked the smartest man I know, my Dad, about it.
Me: is this the heart of a man Daddy?
And I showed him the pic of airport guy’s  very uninformed “private dick pictorial” story of what women want. Also, Airport guy is  married. It was really easy to find that fact out.
Daddy Warbucks: Ah, gross. Where did this come from?
Me: Some guy in an airport who told me he’s a writer and a detective, like me.  Is this the heart of a man?
Daddy Warbucks: No, I’ve never sent anything like that to a woman.
Me: Then what is the heart of a man?
Daddy Warbucks: Men and women are different, it’s true. But I think, in the end, everyone wants to be cared about for who they are, cherished, loved, cared for, treated with kindness and respect. That’s love. And then there are douches like this guy you met and no one can fix is heart or his unfortunate picture skills.
The mystery of a mans heart is solved. Men have good hearts too and also better underwear names. I am getting so good at this job.

Yoko App Promises to Help GenX With Direction

The following is paid advertisement and does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

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From the mind of Bob Smith-Smith, former Coma Town Councilman, father, grandfather and twice married businessman, comes a breakthrough directional tool for Generation X, called simply YOKO.
Bob Smith-Smith: I developed YOKO, based on the WAZE App, because I can’t always be there to direct my kids and grandkids, and tell them “Oh no you’re doing that wrong.” And below is an example of how it works.
Guy who is 43, wearing a plaid flannel, and listening to Beastie Boys, “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” : YOKO, Is it ok if my kids play in the yard without me hovering three feet away?
YOKO APP: Oh no, don’t do that. You’re a failure as a parent.
Guy working at a used book store in the Japanimation section: YOKO, Is there anything I can do to get out of this career slump?
YOKO APP: Oh no, your job is meaningless. But you can always live in my basement.
GIRL wearing a beret and an ironic “hang in there” tee-shirt: YOKO, are my mom and dad right that I need a practical degree from a good college?
YOKO APP: Oh no, you should follow your street art dreams. You’ll always have your grandfather’s basement to live in.

Bob Smith-Smith: Finally, you can make sure the voice of experience and reason are always with you, to give you the right direction for your life.

‘Save the World’ Saves the Bar Scene

By Coma News Daily Staff

Remember when Coma politicians wanted to ‘Save the World‘ one outdoor-summer-small-town venue at a time?

The band “Save the World,” which is comprised of Coma baby boomer politicians has lowered their sights a bit during this year’s summer tour.

“We realized ‘the world’ is very large. We are just three amazing musicians and that chick tambourine player, so literally saving the world is a lot to ask,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson.

Mayor Dave Anderson sings a song about fighting the man and then confuses himself since he's the man.

Mayor Dave Anderson sings a song about fighting the man and then confuses himself since he’s the man.

Anderson not only plays lead guitar for the band but also leads a town government known for pioneering new tax schemes, like a sidewalk use tax and a buzzard-landed-on your-property tax.

“What we know we can save is the bar scene in Coma,” Anderson said. “Right now, there’s way too much jazz and Sadie Cracker playing some weird accoustic crap because she’s the only attractive woman in town. We realized that once again what’s needed is more overplayed 60s music–and John Lennon references, lots of Lennon references.”

Before they transformed to punk 'Save the World' was reliving the amazing songs of the 60's in a cow field.

Before they transformed to punk ‘Save the World’ was reliving the amazing songs of the 60’s in a cow field.

This summer ‘Save the World’ will play every bar, restaurant and food truck gathering in Coma–and possibly some grocery stores.

“I never realized about it before,” said  Bob Smith-Smith, former Town Council member and the band’s drummer. “But what the world really needs is some shredding between their lettuce heads. And do mean the guitar kind of shedding and not the food processor kind. Also, my current wife, who is almost 30 years younger than me and super hot, will really love to hear me play guitar while she’s purchasing some salad ingredients.”

Some people who don’t feel the same, including the newest member of Save the World, Jax Owen.

“We’re just better at larger venues, where I’m also more likely to find some lonely married women who need someone to love them for just 3 to 4 minutes,” Owen said.

The main goal of the band this year remains the same: To spread the wisdom and integrity of the baby boomer generation to “all of those Gen Xers who are pretty much idiots about life,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters, who plays the “very important” tambourine.

So check out Save the World this summer, as it saves bars and produce aisles all over Coma. Details on play dates and locations can be found on the town government.

Study Sheds Light on People Named Dog Bone

dog bone study

By Coma News Staff

A study released by the Coma Institute for Research & Understanding Things (CIRUT) suggests that people with the name Dog Bone are seven percent more likely to own a gas-powered chainsaw and 162 percent more likely to sever a limb with a chainsaw than people who are not named Dog Bone.

“This study will undoubtedly give parents pause before they name a child Dog Bone,” said Dr. Jimmy, Coma town physician.

Dr. Jimmy conducted the study as part of a national grant he received to “study” important things related to Coma with researchers at CIRUT.

The study found that people named Dog Bone have a greater chance of having a tattoo on their neck or face and are more likely not to  “give a damn” about “stupid bullshit” like math, individual retirement accounts or proper dental hygiene.

The study was conducted over the course of 36-weeks and had one participant.  Researchers said they would have preferred to include more participants in the study but could only find one person in Coma named Dog Bone.

“It would have been nice to have more subjects,” Dr. Jimmy said.

The full report will be released later this month.

Dog Bone Higgens refused to comment saying he “doesn’t give a damn about stupid bullshit.” like a news article.

 

Buy My Screenplay: Matt Damon Returns In “The Pretty Good Wall”

pretty good wall

This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

ADVERTORIAL

My Amazing Screenplay

I’m Dee Collins and all I do is sit around and pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then try to sell them through traditional classified advertising methods.  Read my ad below and contact me to buy my screenplay!

I’ve just completed my latest screenplay and it is really good! It’s called “The Pretty Good Wall” and it is a sequel to the mega-blockbuster film “The Great Wall” starring Matt Damon.

This movie has everything you want in a movie.  It has Matt Damon. It has a wall. It has EVERYTHING!

Below is a sample of one scene.  If you like it and would like to buy it, please let me know.

I’m offering it at a discount right now for only $400,000 but you better act fast because this deal won’t last. This is going to be a hot property because of the unprecedented success of “The Great Wall.”

LOG LINE

Matt Damon is back at it. After defending the Great Wall of China, Matt finds himself protecting a modest brick wall in the foothills of the Sahara Desert from evil, fire-breathing dragons. Featuring popular actor Jon Hamm and the voice of Academy Award winner Meryl Streep as “Beans the Dragon”, The Pretty Good Wall will raise the bar on movies about walls.

EXT. SAHARA DESERT- DAY

Matt Damon and popular actor Jon Hamm are standing behind a modest, ten-foot long wall in the middle of the desert. Both men look haggard and exhausted. Dirt and blood cover their faces. They stare off in the distance, spears and weapons clutched firmly in their hands.

               JON HAMM

          Man, I love walls.

               MATT DAMON

          Me too, Jon. Me too.

               JON HAMM

          But I HATE dragons, LOL!

Matt Damon laughs and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.

               MATT DAMON

          I was just thinking the same thing. That’s funny Jon. Very funny.

The two men continue to stare off in the distance, scanning the vacant horizon. Jon moves his spear from one hand to the other and shakes out his free hand.

               JON HAMM

          My hand keeps cramping up.

               MATT DAMON

          Yeah. I hate that.

               (beat)

          Man, I love this wall. I mean, I love ALL walls. They are just like the best things in the world. But this one…this one is really awesome.

               JON HAMM

          I’m surprised you haven’t tried to hump it yet, LOL!

Matt Damon bursts into hysterical laughter.

               MATT DAMON

          The day is still young, Jon Hamm! The day is still young!

The two men go silent again and return their gaze to the horizon. Jon Hamm steps forward. His eyes narrow.

              JON HAMM

          Is that a dragon?

Jon Hamm points to somewhere far off in the distance. Matt Damon steps forward and studies the area for a moment.

               MATT DAMON

          No. I think it’s a kite.

Jon Hamm walks forward, his eyes still locked on the horizon.

               JON HAMM

          Oh. Yeah. I think you’re right.

               (beat)

          Fucking kites, man. I mean…what’s the point?

Matt Damon laughs heartily and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.

               MATT DAMON

          So true, Jon Hamm. That is spot on. I was thinking the same thing. That’s definitely laugh-out-loud funny!

The two men continue to stare off in the distance.

——————————————

That’s all you get for now! Remember, The Great Wall is a gigantic, international blockbuster! People will want a sequel. This is that sequel!  Anyhow, contact me!  Let’s make movies!

Contact Dee Collins at townofcoma@hotmail.com

Town to Ban Best Part of Waking Up

By Thomas Steven John, Future Reporter

 

Its time to set your pitchforks to “roast,” Coma.

In a bold political move–eventually referred to as “one of the worst decisions ever”–Mayor Dave Anderson will spearhead next week a local ordinance banning caffeinated substances of any kind.

This reporter has learned about the town’s coming “cafe-maggedon” from a peyote-fueled fever dream eventually treated with coffee.

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The ban will spawn almost immediate opposition once everyone realized Mayor Anderson wasn’t joking. “We need to ban everything because people are clearly idiots and can’t make rational decisions.” Mayor Anderson will say.

The ban will be enacted as an unnoticed provision of an omnibus bill conferring a range of dog rights.

Days after the ban hospitals will be flooded with migraine victims as local stores institute cartel-level pricing on Tylenol and other over-the-counter painkillers.

The Society for People Who Write Stuff at Coffee Shops will be forced to disband about 20 minutes after the ban begins. It will take the town years to recover from the loss of the fearless vanguard of writers awaiting immanent acclaim for their blogs and comments section posts.

All union workers will vote unanimously to delay the start of workdays until noon or 2pm on Mondays. The town’s afternoon nap incentive program will finally receive the funding it has long deserved.

coffeehipster

Illegal chocolate covered coffee bean runners will spread through town “beaning” customers and baffling police, who will be powerless to care about their crime.

Several protests-turned-riots will demand the town’s lights be “turned down a bit and could everyone just shut up for once?”

The ban on caffeine will last for approximately 12 days until City Hall insiders discover Mayor Anderson’s secret cache of 80-pound bags of light roast Colombian hidden behind a false wall in his office.

Mayor Dave Anderson’s Proclaimation About Giving Up The Past

MAYORAL PROCLAMATION
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WHEREAS,

In 1862 Coma’s entire chicken population was evenly divided and trained to fight for each side of the Civil War, sent off with great fanfare and never heard from again

WHEREAS,

In 1920 an unknown number and variety of land mines were buried in and about the town of Coma and none whatsoever were removed

WHEREAS,

In 1972 the Great Hippy Riots reduced the entirety of South Coma and its Hemp Garment District to a smoldering ash heap, which it remains to this day

WHEREAS,

The past is largely painful and full of things we don’t want to remember; and

WHEREAS,

The internet now allows us to change everything about our past for a more hopeful future

WHEREAS,

A new focus solely on the limitless possibilities and good intentions of the future is now possible through internet chat

WHEREAS,

There is no more reason to look at all the things that have happened and rather focus on what could be

NOW, THEREFORE, DO I,

Dave Anderson

Mayor of the Town of Coma, proclaim

May as the month we ban all things that are in the past from being spoken about unless using Morse Code or Telegram.