Archive for: September 2016

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games- Week 4

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Week 4

Last Week- 2 – 2

Season- 3 – 5

I’m Jabba The Hutt.  You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films.  But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the Fall watching football and eating chicken wings.

People have asked “why no picks last week Jabba the Hutt?” Well, Jabba was “indisposed”.  I’d like to leave it at that for now.  The only other thing I will add is the federal government should really look into the regulations and codes regarding proper sizing of Chili’s Restaurant’s restrooms, urinals and doors.  But I’m not going to say anything else.  I’m just glad to be back.

Here are your sure-fire picks of the week…

Oakland Raiders at Baltimore Ravens

Both teams are off to better-than-expected starts this season.  Because Baltimore is at home and because west-coast teams seem to struggle with 10 a.m. east coast start times, I’m going with the home team.  Joe Flacco is my boy.  We once spent a crazy weekend together (along with R2-D2) in Cabo.  Flacco can drink!

“Oh but wait! Jabba the Hutt enjoys vacationing in exotic North American resort destinations like regular people?”

Yes, he does! You know why? Cause I’m completely and totally just a regular dude.  I’m cool chilling with a box of Cheez-Its and Mountain Dew or going to the beach and eating Cheetos and drinking Sprite.  I’m just a normal dude.


Kansas City Chiefs at Pittsburgh Steelers

Here we go.  The season is early but already Jabba suspects this game could have playoff implications down the road.  Pittsburgh is going to try to bounce back after a poor showing in Philadelphia.  But did you know, the Steelers are 47-0 coming off a loss on the road to NFC opponents since 1985? I like the Steelers here.  Big game for Big Ben and company.

Who decides how large public restrooms in a Chili’s should be?  Is that the health inspector?  Civil engineers? The mayor? You’d think they would consider how easy it is to potentially be pinned inside and unable to turn around to the face the door.  I mean, don’t you think that would be a natural thing to consider when building it?  Like, “Hmmm…let me see…I can walk in, but what if I couldn’t turn around and can’t walk out because I cannot access the door knob?” That could be a problem, don’t you think? It has to happen more than what is reported in the news.


Dallas Cowboys at San Francisco 49ers

Remember when this game would have been a huge showdown of NFC-title contenders? Me either! Hahaha all over the place.  Jabba is not above making witty comments for a few cheap laughs.  “What?! Jabba likes to make jokes sometimes and isn’t always serious and only interested in having his hired henchmen track down deadbeat smugglers all over the galaxy?” Yes, douche bag.  I do like to make funny remarks sometimes.

I think this game is closer than many expect.  I’m going with the home team here although Dallas looked good last week and San Francisco looked terrible.  But this is the NFL.


You would think they would build in some emergency supplies in Chili’s bathrooms.  Right?  How hard would it be to stock a small cabinet with some Doritos, string cheese or even some cottage cheese for crying out loud?  One thing I learned from my little ordeal last week is this; an average Hutt can live at least three days and 14 hours stuck in a Chili’s restroom.  What I don’t know and am glad I didn’t have to learn is whether a Hutt can survive 3 days and 15 hours.  Time for my final pick of the week.

New York Giants at Minnesota Vikings

A person could argue that through the first three games of the season, Minnesota has played as well as anyone in the league.  They are my early season pick to make it to the Super Bowl.  And considering they already have wins over Green Bay and Carolina, tie-breakers for home-field advantage are falling into place nicely for the Vikings.  Even after losing their quarterback and pro-bowl running back, the Vikings are rolling right along.  They keep rolling in week 4.


Do Elections Have Consequences: An LOL Mystery

The following is blog by a Coma resident excerpted as a community service by Coma New Daily.

By Marybell Davis


Daddy Warbucks: Marybell my friend is looking for an office assistant at his law firm. How about you check it out? He said your ability to find out personal information using Google could really help his divorce practice.
Me: Daddy, I don’t need a job. I already have one. And it doesn’t pay.

Right now, this not-for-profit detective needs to figure out whether elections have consequences.

I recently read that but is it true? It’s definitely a mystery that needs to be solved.
I hate politics so instead of asking an old, fat person with a weird comb-over, I turned to a real expert on elections and their impacts: Ryan Seacrest.
Ryan understands democracy as started by the Greeks (who use too much onion and olive on everything). He understands that if you pay 99 cents each time you have to call in to vote and Coca-Cola and the Ford Fusion sponsor the election you can pick a clear winner.
But will that winner actually go on to do something?

The weird thing I’ve noticed is that it’s frequently the runner up who’s the real winner. Pay 99 cents for someone who wins and ends up working at the local county fair side stage or vote for the runner up who’s going to go places, like Elliot Yamin or Jennifer Hudson.
So I guess one consequence of an election is we get to find out who is going to win and go on to a great career as a barista. Hello, David Cook!

Another consequence is that someone is going to get my 99 cents per call–that can be more like 99 cents x 50 if I’ve had a wine cooler high ball. So who cares who got the free year supply of coke and a Ford Fusion because the clear winner is Ryan Seacrest. And unlike real elections, American Idol elections put a real painful hurt on my bank account.
Clearly, the mystery is no mystery at all — elections are all about money and bad decisions. The main consequence is that I need to learn to live with my bad choices. 😿

Did This Bigfoot Give Couples Counseling?

By Coma News Daily staff

The Couples Counseling Center at Bob’s Wash and Dry and Eat a Burger on Saturday night got a special surprise when Bigfoot showed up to give some couples counseling.

“I was here with my wife who is 25 years younger and doesn’t understand anything about my generation but wants to spend my money,” said Bob Smith-Smith. “We have a lot of things to work on like, how I was married and had a child before she was even born,”

bigfoot amway front page

Discussion of those issues suddenly stopped when a bigfoot showed up “out of nowhere.”

There have been a growing number of Bigfoot sightings around town in recent years.

When it comes to couples’ counseling, Bigfoot’s insights appear to come from his love of eating small woodland creatures and his lifelong lack of a serious relationship.

“He walks in and lets out a primal scream like few I’ve heard,” said Jax Owen, who attends couples counseling alone “in case some woman needs a hug or a friend.”

Owen said Bigfoot appeared to have “a handle on what relationships are all about.”

During the session, Bigfoot also broke a table and defecated on a chair.

“There was a lot there for me and Anna to learn from,” Smith-Smith said.

“When we first started dating I just liked her because she wasn’t old. She liked me because she’d just moved out of her parents house and didn’t want to be alone,” Smith-Smith said. “But now it’s serious. We have a young son and since we got married we have to see each other every day. I think Bigfoot is saying just stop talking to each other.”


There were people in the room who were not enthusiastic. Mayor Dave Anderson came with his puppet of three years, Andrea.

Anderson said that he and Andrea have not touched since he began Peaceful Puppeteers, which urges no touching unless both parties agree to do so, in advance.

“I asked Bigfoot how to address our need for contact when no verbal permission appears to be coming,” Anderson said. “He put Andrea in his mouth and chewed her to shreds. She didn’t even have time to scream.”

Opinion: I Wish More Politicians Talked About the Migratory Patterns of Birds


I don’t hear politicians talking about Migratory Patterns of Birds during this election season.

By Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Daily Intern

I am shocked at how little the candidates running for mayor are talking about the migratory patterns of birds.  Plenty of lip service is being paid to taxes, job creation and crime prevention, but little-to-no discussion at all about seasonal, large-scale bird movements from northern climates to warmer southern climates.

I’m sorry, but did I suddenly wake up in a world where the majority of people no longer care about the enormous sacrifices, stress, and physical exertion these birds face on an annual basis to reach suitable breeding habitats?

I suppose most people couldn’t care less about the Bar-tailed Godwit and its nearly 11,000 kilometer trek from Alaska to New Zealand. I know our politicians don’t care.  If they did, they’d be peppering in pro-bird migration tidbits in their stump speeches and debates.  I don’t even know how far, in miles, 11,000 kilometers is, but it sounds like a long way.


And don’t even get me started about the diurnal migration of raptors.  These large, broad-winged birds rely on rising hot air in order to soar, making it really difficult to migrate over large bodies of water.  Yet, to hear our candidates speak, you’d think they’d never heard of this significant challenge facing eagles, vultures, and buzzards.

I know I’m not the only migratory bird enthusiast in Coma.  There must be at least one or two more (counting me).  I don’t understand why these politicians don’t spend more time on courting this under-served constituency.

I am personally challenging the candidates to share their migratory bird platform.  I’m certain they have one.  They are, after all, human beings for Christsakes.  It’s time for us to know where they stand on this issue.  You’re either for annual bird migration or you’re against it.  We want to know!

Local Ghosts Tired of Tacky Halloween Decorations

By Thomas Steven John, future news reporter

Various deceased Coma residents plan a haunting strike until residents living in the ghosts’ previous homes remove tacky and tasteless Halloween decorations.

This reporter learned about the strike–set to begin this weekend, to coincide with several planned rounds of ouija boarding–in a peyote fueled nightmare. The visions appeared after falling asleep during a Paranormal Activity marathon.


Bloody walls, disturbing messages on bathroom mirrors and other standard haunting steps should not be expected at any house decorated with dancing pumpkins and skeletons or pun based tombstones.

The ghostly collective will state their demands as well as the consequences of not heeding their warnings at an otherwise deserted 3 a.m. meeting at Town Hall featuring some of Coma’s most notable and deadest citizens.

Mayor Dave Anderson will bring in an official pagan witch to perform a protective ceremony, which he is counting on to be ineffective.

“Considering I’m mid-campaign I’d like to stay on good terms with all of Coma’s residents, and the dead ones are very active voters–wink, wink,” Anderson said, when asked about the coming haunt stoppage.

Citizens will not agree to remove their Halloween decorations, some of which have been up for years. Some tasteless residents will refuse to remove their brick-a-brack out of principle, while others won’t believe in ghosts and assume the apparitions were caused by another round of tampering with the town’s water supply.

The legislative and political ramifications of this year’s Halloween may make it Coma’s scariest one yet.

Living Situation Offer: Small, one-toilet bathroom for rent

whats happening

Small, 40 sq.-foot bathroom for rent.  Perfect for someone looking for a loft or studio, only this is just a bathroom.  There is a sink and shower (no bath) and a pretty good toilet (recently flushed).  Small window overlooking the alley.  We can negotiate the use of drawers and cabinets.  Don’t fuck with my medicine cabinet though!  Strictly off limits.  Also, if I have to take a shit, you gotta stand in the shower.  I don’t like people watching.  $400 a month.  Let’s make this work!



Don’t Fear the Landslide


Sadie Cracker, Coma News Daily columnist

When I moved back to Coma it was for my kids, because I was alone, and also for my father Stan Bargemeyer who after losing my mother decided to intern at Coma News Daily.
My father and I don’t have a lot in common other than the fact that we have both lost a spouse. Sometimes we meet at Bear’s Biker Bar at night for a drink–he gets the decaf and I go for something a little stronger. We meet here because it’s a middle ground and it’s a place where he and I aren’t lost. Him in his mind and me in my grief.
Charlie, the Coma librarian, is standing on the makeshift stage. The Christmas lights are still up and there’s a tree behind him that’s lost a lot of it’s pine needles but still holds on to it’s twinkling lights.


Tonight Charlie sings “Landslide” which still gets to me. On the radio, Coma News Daily is reporting that the Town Council is proposing a new requirement that children wear helmets all the time for “safety purposes”.
“Time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too,” Charlie sings.
“That song isn’t written by Axl Rose.” Stan says.
“No Dad,” I say.
Dad’s memory goes sometimes. He’s on an Axl Rose kick right now and thinks the rocker is one of his neighbors.
He points at Charlie and says to me, “You’re a better singer.”
Charlie nods and keeps singing.
Dad smiles and holds my hand.
“Wish they would keep these kids safer these days,” he says.”We kept you so safe.”
And I laugh and think about the 10-mile bike rides and other activities I would do alone as a kid, and then I think about how I fear little Jimmy riding his bike alone and wonder what happened to this X’ed out generation where we fear everything.
“You are a much better mother than a singer,” Dad says. He looks at Charlie and yells, “She’s a much better singer.”
And Charlie stops playing mid-Landslide and says, “get up here and sing it, Sadie.”
I shake my head. I’m a mom. I’m alone. I’ve forgotten how to sing and play guitar.

bikerbarbra“Get up there and sing it, Sadie. Don’t be afraid. Just like I taught you as a kid,”  Dad says and gives me kiss on the cheek.
So I stand. There’s only five people in the bar. I know them all and three of them are drunk. I walk up to the stage and Charlie hands me his guitar.

I turn around and the stage lights blind me. I see my father, who’s older now. Time has streaked his cheeks with heavy lines. I am sixteen again. I am wearing a too small Nirvana tee shirt. I am in a bar with my guitar. I am Debbie Harry. I am Joan Jett. I am. I am gonna rock this joint. I am.
I am older, too, and I don’t know what to play. My mind is blank. I don’t know what to sing.
“Just sing already.” a drunk biker yells.
“You got it, Sadie,” Charlie says.

I am Cyndi Lauper?
And so I strum the only thing that comes to mind ‘Time after Time,’ because that’s what I sing to the boys at night because I am not Debbie Harry anymore. These days I am just here to catch little people when they fall. Dad stands. He’s clapping. This is embarrassing.
Bear is behind the bar and he starts singing with me. Charlie walks up to the stage and stands beside me too.
“If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting, Time after Time…”

Another Bigfoot Sighting Leaves City Leaders Baffled

By Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson called a special meeting of the Town Council this week after the second Corporate Bigfoot sighting in a month left businessmen in the community baffled and concerned.

According to at least two eyewitnesses, the most recent sighting occurred at Dahl’s Menswear late last week, where the suspected cryptozoological creature was seen trying on jackets, pants and a selection of ties. Eventually, the creature grew frustrated when the store manager, Isaac Best, was unable to find appropriate-sized shoes.

corporate bigfoot 3

Above: Artist sketch of what witnesses claim is a Bigfoot that recently tried on several blazers and sportscoats at Dahl’s Menswear in Coma

“We are looking into this matter and consider it a top priority,” Anderson said. “At this point, we don’t know if we are dealing with one bigfoot or two bigfoot.  Wait, would it be Bigfeet if there were more than one? That sounds right but I’m going to have to have somebody look into that.”

Local cryptozoology expert, futurist and mortuary owner, Micah Horncraft, said that while it is unusual for the creature to enter men’s clothing stores and try on a variety of outfits, it is not unheard of. Usually, Horncraft said, the animals simply are looking for great deals on menswear.

“Corporate Bigfoot are not much different than your typical business professional,” Horncraft said. “Besides lacking any human language skills or education and suffering frequent fecal saturation, they still want to look sharp for the next meeting or important luncheon.”

Mayor Anderson said he hopes the Town Council will agree to create a special committee to look into the details of the shopping spree.