Tag: science

Has Local Teen Discovered World’s First Map?

Local teen Chase Donovan announced this week the discovery of what he called the world’s first map.

Donavan shared the map at a press conference on Monday and said it includes ancient trade routes and a “lost continent.” The map, which measures 8.5” x 11,” resembled a standard printed sheet of copy paper.

“This looks really old,” Donovan said while holding it up for reporters. “I mean, just look at the drawing and how it’s kind of yellowish. It could be hundreds of thousands of years old.”

Critics moved quickly to point out several flaws in Donovan’s hypothesis.

“It is clearly a copy of a map that was printed from some stock photography website,” map critic Micah Horncraft said. “It includes the watermark ‘Deposit Photos’ all over it. Like why is anyone even listening to this kid?”

chase map 1

ABOVE: Donovan shows the map he claims is the world’s first.

Donovan has stood firm on his claim that the map is likely the first ever to be created. He noted how old the image looked and how the image “just looked really old.” He defended the map from its many detractors.

“They say it can’t be legit because it has the words “deposit photos” all over it,” Donovan explained. “But, how do we know deposit photos isn’t the name of some really old company that made maps? Try thinking outside the box, you know?”

Donovan said he was hoping to “get some science done” on the map to confirm conclusively, one way or the other, the actual age of the map. Donovan stated he found the map folded up near a trash can outside the school cafeteria last week.

The 17-year-old junior said he is going to start a website about the map and plans on selling it to a museum for “several million bucks, at least.”

“It would be cool to sell it to someone at a rate of like, one dollar for every year of how old it is,” Donovan said. “How many millions of dollars could that be? One hundred? More? Nobody knows.”

Critics like Horncraft said the entire ordeal is a waste of time and energy.

“I just can’t believe that someone is interviewing me about what is clearly not an old map and something that was probably printed last Wednesday and discarded by someone running late for class,” Horncraft said. “How is nobody else seeing this?”

Donovan said he is allowing local scientists to review the document this week to make a determination.

 

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: I’m fascinated by business card technology. Is it feasible to think that in a hundred years, business cards could be slightly larger? 

A: I don’t know. It’s possible.


Q: Will humans still be placing cucumbers on the floor to freak out their cats in the future?

A: As long as farming continues to be a viable industry and cats continue to be domesticated, there is no reason to think this trend will stop anytime in the future.


Q: I’ve always wondered why we didn’t just make years longer and that way, we can live for longer. Like, if a years was 50 months, think how much more time you’d live if you lived to 80 years old? That’s like four times more living. Do you think something like that is possible in the future?

A: Maybe.

When Should You Seek Treatment After Being Impaled?

By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy

Recently, a local man was impaled by a shovel and refused to seek immediate medical attention. After speaking at length with him and with many others in the days following the ordeal, I’ve come to realize that most people don’t realize how serious impalement injuries can be.

From my own unscientific poll of neighbors and friends, I found that most would not consider being impaled a “serious injury.” As a medical professional, this was a startling revelation.

Sure, some impaling injuries are less serious than others. And sure, sometimes you get impaled and can probably just brush it off, pull it out and move on with your day. But, many times that is not the case and you should seek immediate medical attention.

As a service to the community, I’ve put together an impaling “cheat sheet” to help identify the degrees of impalement injuries and determine when you should go to a doctor.

Impalement guide

ABOVE: Dr. Jimmy’s guide to impaling injuries is designed to take the guess work out of determining when to seek medical attention

Of course, this chart is not comprehensive. It would be impossible to include every item you could potentially be impaled with. It does represent what I believe are likely the most common objects one could be impaled with, along with representative object (wicker chair, for example, could apply to any type of furniture).

So how do you use this guide? It’s pretty simple. First, let’s say you’ve been impaled by something. You’ll want to identify the object and then refer to the guide above. If you can’t find the exact object, try to find the object that is most similar to the one that is buried deep in your flesh. Next, using the color scale, determine whether “it’s cool” or whether you should “seek immediate attention.”

Should you find yourself somewhere in the middle, my advice is to do a quick Google search and go from there.

I am hopeful that this tool can help you and our community be better prepared for impalement injuries. Be safe and be diligent! When in doubt refer to this simple-to-use chart. Godspeed.

 

 

“Disappointing” Future of Fences Exhibit Opens this Week

by Coma News Staff

The Coma Futurist Society’s latest exhibit, The Future of Fences, opened this week to a luke-warm reception by many visitors. The exhibit features a number of conceptual drawings about how fences might look and be made over the course of the next several hundred years.

According to curator and society director, Micah Horncraft, the exhibit provides a “critical examination of what a fence may represent in the future.” Critics noted an overall lack of “substantive content” and creativity in the exhibit. Horncraft maintains the exhibit is not only founded in a spirit of innovation but prides the exhibit on the wildly imaginative speculations.

“It is very likely that in several hundred years, we would not be able to recognize the fence of today,” Horncraft said. “I think that’s hard for people to understand sometimes. It takes a leap of imagination.”

fence-2

ABOVE: The “Jet Rocket Super Fence” suggests that fences of the future may be very different than those of today

The collection of drawings and sketches includes more than two dozen designs that Horncraft said were rooted firmly in science and technological advances expected to occur in coming centuries.

But skeptics have dismissed much of the exhibit’s pieces as “simple-minded” and “inherently misguided.”

“It seems like the only thing that makes these fences futuristic is that they float or fly,” one visitor, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “Like, who would build a small section of fence and put it on a cloud way up in the sky? Where is the utility?”

One of the most popular pieces includes a fence with what appears to be fixed wings and jet engines. Horncraft defended the liberal use of flying or floating fences.

“Why wouldn’t fences of the future be able to fly?” Horncraft asked. “I mean, lots of things are going to be flying around the sky in a couple hundred years so, I think we’re going to need fences in the sky too.”

fence-1

ABOVE: A section of fence sits on a billowy cloud up in the sky. Apparently in the future, we will need to place fences on clouds

The exhibit, which opened earlier this week, is scheduled to run through the end of February. While Horncraft is optimistic the interest and turnout will be strong he is concerned some of the early word-of-mouth reviews could deter some visitors. Some of the exhibit’s other highlights include:

– A floating fence on a cloud. Although Horncraft could not explain the physics behind this possibility, he did state “they’ll figure something out.”

– A fence made entirely from animal teeth. According to Horncraft, Animal teeth are going to be a primary building material in years to come.

– A fence made from a yet-to-be-discovered substance that is both a solid and a liquid and combines “elements of fire, electricity and is really elastic.”

fence 3

ABOVE: A fence made entirely from a yet-to-be-discovered material that somehow is an elastic combination of fire and electricity that is both in solid and liquid form

“It was just bad,” another unidentified critic offered. “Like last year’s ‘Casserole’s of the Future’ it just relies too heavily on things flying. Like you can’t just draw a picture of a tuna casserole surrounded by clouds and say that’s the future of a tuna casserole! I mean, I don’t even understand the context in which you would want a casserole of any kind to float or fly.”

Horncraft said the exhibit will be open Thursday through Sunday from 2 p.m. – 6 p.m. Admission is $8 for adults and $4 for children.

 

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: Do you think people hundreds of years from now will still be talking about animal rights?

A: I don’t know. It’s possible.


Q: I’m worried cursive writing will be completely extinct in several thousand years. Like, I’m really, really concerned about this. I’ve spent a lot of time writing in this style. Should I be concerned?

A: Yes. It will likely be completely obsolete as a writing style within your lifetime (assuming you’re not over the age of 80 or 85)


Q: Do you think there will be any cool advances in candy bar technology in the next 50 years? I can’t wait to see if there is going to be some super cool new kind of PayDay bar or KitKat! I’m really jacked about candy bar evolution!!

A: There will probably be some advancements. But I have no idea what those would be. Maybe chewier? I’m not sure.

Local Teen Launches New Smart Phone App

by Coma News Staff

Coma teen and entrepreneur Chase Donovan launched his latest entry into the world of hi-tech services and solutions this week. Titled “Yeah, That’ll Fit”, Donovan’s latest venture helps people determine if the box they want to use to store stuff in will fit the items they wish to store.

Available from the app store for both Android and iOS devices, “Yeah, That’ll Fit” allows users to take a photo of a box and a photo of the items they are hoping to fit inside the box and upload them through the app. The photos are then reviewed and the app will inform the user whether those items are likely to fit inside the box.

thatll-fit

“We’re taking the guess work out of fitting crap inside boxes,” Donovan said about his new app. “I’m hoping this app does for packing what Uber did for taxi cabs and stuff.”

While Donovan admitted there are still some bugs that need to be worked out, the application does work as intended. In some instances, the app requests additional detail such as the dimensions of the box and the total volume of the items a user is hoping to place inside it.

“It’s all a math game, bruh,” Donovan said. “It’s some simple calculations. But sometimes…man…people just have a terrible sense of spatial reasoning.”

The app already has one successful and prominent user; Mayor Dave Anderson. Anderson remarked at a recent press conference that he has used the app several times and found it to be “kind of helpful.”

“It was a little awkward at first,” Anderson admitted. “After answering a bunch of questions, the app finally suggested I just try putting everything in the box and if it fit, then I’d know the answer.”

that-will-fit-tutorial

ABOVE: A helpful tutorial walks users through the three simple steps

Donovan said he is trying “to take shit over” and plans on additional app releases in 2017.

“We’re just getting started, so…we gonna blow up,” Donovan said. “We’re going to do this bigger than Google or Amazon.”

As of this writing, “Yeah, That’ll Fit” had more than 20 downloads on the iTunes app store. The app sells for $6.99.

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: What time will it be at this precise moment on this day in the year 2350?

A: 11:56 a.m. EST


Q: I like cake. A lot! Should I be worried that cake will somehow be extinct in the next 300 – 500 years?

A: Cake is expected to last into the foreseeable future. It may be very different from the cake you enjoy now, however. But if you have an open mind, enjoy root-based vegetables and can adequately digest some types of animal bones, you should be able to continue to enjoy cake for years to come.


Q: Will there ever be a professional hockey player named Lucas Shinewall? I think that would be a cool name for a hockey player.

A: Maybe.

Artifacts: Dinosaurs

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