National Football League Uses Coma as a Test Ground to Solve Racial Name Issues
Can ten Coma residents solve racism? The National Football League sure hopes so.
America’s premier outdoor football league has gathered a “focus group” of ten randomly selected Coma residents to help it rename some of the teams that have sparked concerns of racial or other types of hate.
Likely high on the list of offensive names is the Seattle Seahawks, which has raised the ire of some Washington state tribes. The predatory birds were widely used as an airborne weapon in numerous intertribal wars. Untold thousands of noble Native Americans were blinded in assaults by the sharp-taloned “Jack the Rippers of the sky.”
“These birds of a feather should flock somewhere else,” said Marley Baumgartner, Coma civil rights activist and noted shut in.
Other team names likely to face the Coma residents’ ire include the New York Giants. The Association of Little Peoples (ALPs) have repeatedly called for scrapping the team name. The ALPs are particularly offended by the reminder of a New York Indian tribe’s tradition of dressing little people like bear cubs and catapulting them into the mountain caves to lure out bears.
The team that has drawn the greatest upset by far is the San Francisco Forty-niners. The team’s owners have long insisted that it was named to honor early miners but animal rights activists beg to differ.
“That’s the number of squirrels used to make the state’s first flag,” said Baumgartner, who loves animals.
So what names could clean the discerning palate of football fans?
Some area residents have their favorites.
“Maybe instead of naming these teams after lightening or goddamn birds they should recognize the fighting spirit of one of our many minority groups,” said Mayor Dave Anderson.
Redskins team owner, Dan Snyder, has been asked to take part in the group however he declined. Jonathan Alder, spokesman for the Redskins, said “We are looking toward changing our name to be more appropriate.” Sources close to the matter have suggested after the abysmal Redskin season the name change options on the table are “the Precocious Kittens” or “Dan’s Knitting Circle”.