Archive for: December 2013

National Football League Uses Coma as a Test Ground to Solve Team Name Issues

Football jersey

According to league sources, the Washington Redskins are considering new nicknames such as the “Precocious Kittens”. Team officials have gone so far as to have artwork created as part of the review process (above)

National Football League Uses Coma as a Test Ground to Solve Racial Name Issues

Can ten Coma residents solve racism? The National Football League sure hopes so.

America’s premier outdoor football league has gathered a “focus group” of ten randomly selected Coma residents to help it rename some of the teams that have sparked concerns of racial or other types of hate.
Likely high on the list of offensive names is the Seattle Seahawks, which has raised the ire of some Washington state tribes. The predatory birds were widely used as an airborne weapon in numerous intertribal wars. Untold thousands of noble Native Americans were blinded in assaults by the sharp-taloned “Jack the Rippers of the sky.”

“These birds of a feather should flock somewhere else,” said Marley Baumgartner, Coma civil rights activist and noted shut in.

Other team names likely to face the Coma residents’ ire include the New York Giants. The Association of Little Peoples (ALPs) have repeatedly called for scrapping the team name. The ALPs are particularly offended by the reminder of a New York Indian tribe’s tradition of dressing little people like bear cubs and catapulting them into the mountain caves to lure out bears.

The team that has drawn the greatest upset by far is the San Francisco Forty-niners. The team’s owners have long insisted that it was named to honor early miners but animal rights activists beg to differ.
“That’s the number of squirrels used to make the state’s first flag,” said Baumgartner, who loves animals.
So what names could clean the discerning palate of football fans?
Some area residents have their favorites.

“Maybe instead of naming these teams after lightening or goddamn birds they should recognize the fighting spirit of one of our many minority groups,” said Mayor Dave Anderson.

Redskins team owner, Dan Snyder, has been asked to take part in the group however he declined. Jonathan Alder, spokesman for the Redskins, said “We are looking toward changing our name to be more appropriate.” Sources close to the matter have suggested after the abysmal Redskin season the name change options on the table are “the Precocious Kittens” or “Dan’s Knitting Circle”.

Football jersey

Sources confirmed the Redskins would consider knit-style jerseys if they adopted the nickname “Dan’s Knitting Circle”, which is one of the new names under consideration by the organization

Mayor Anderson Announces Mitt Romney Comedy Show

Romney Announces Plans To Pursue Stand-Up Comedy

The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival May Be Coming To A City Near You Soon

Following his failed bid to win the presidency, Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced today he would continue to pursue his other life-long goal of becoming a successful stand-up comedian.  According to Romney staffers, the republican presidential nominee managed to fit in a handful of shows at open-mic nights at several comedy clubs around the country during his rigorous campaign.

“He’s got about ten solid minutes of material right now, a little more if you count some of the prop comedy he’s been experimenting with,” says one staffer who wished to remain anonymous.

Romney also announced plans for a ten-city comedy tour tentatively titled “The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival”.  That tour is slated to kick-off in Boston next week at “Big Keith’s Comedy Club.”

“Stand-up comedy is in my blood,” said Romney.  “I’m excited about this next chapter in my life.  Get it?  Next chapter!  And that was right off the top of my head.  I can make up shit like that all day.”

mitt romedy

Allen Larkin, an assistant manager at “Laughie’s” comedy club in Fort Lauderdale witnessed one of Romney’s impromptu shows last month while the former governor was on his campaign tour.

“He was nervous at first,” Larkin said of Romney’s show.  “He started to relax a bit as it went on, especially when he pulled out some of his props, particularly his large novelty sunglasses.”

One anonymous staffer provided a brief description of the show, including notes taken directly from Romney’s “joke folder”;

–          “So, my yacht breaks down in the middle of the Caribbean a few years ago and I’m like, “What the fuck am I going to do now?  Then I’m like “duh, Mitt, you have a goddam helicopter on the back of the boat!”  I tell you, sometimes I can forget shit.”

–          “Sometimes life if just fucking crazy.  One of my butlers is this dude named Cheevo.  Nice guy but I swear to God his breath smells like shit.  Like he ate food from a can or some shit.”

–        “Do you ever think about words that are just weird to say out loud?  Like, “biscuit”.  Seriously, say it out loud.  It doesn’t even make sense.  I mean, what does it mean?  It fucking blows my mind that there are words out there like that.”

mitt romedy 3

–        “What’s the deal with poor people?  I’m talking about REALLY poor people.  Like, so poor they have a time-share private plane! Really?  Have some fucking pride people.”

–          The staffer also mentioned Romney did a bit with a large, oversized pair of novelty sunglasses that went as follows:

  • Romney puts on sunglasses and then says “It’s still me, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney.  I just put on a pair of giant sunglasses.” Romney then takes off the glasses and studies them for what seemed like several minutes, completely silent the entire time.  Romney then added; “Aren’t these the funniest things ever?  I mean your head would have to be at least three or four times larger than it is now for these to fit properly.  Can you imagine what that would look like?  That kind of shit blows my mind.”

Tickets for The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival go on sale tomorrow.

Visit for more details.

Concerned Citizens of Coma Get On The Internet to Ban Selfies

The Group, Concerned Citizens of Coma decided today to start an online petition to ban selfies.

The Urban Dictionary, an online dictionary, describes selfies as:

An act usally carried out by girls aged 12-21, the act involves taking photos of ones self while posing.
Example 1: Yo man, I seen you put selfies up on facebook.
Example 2: Hey man, I was doing some facebook stalking today, found the hottest girl, check out her selfies.
Maralee Bumgartener, a shut in, activist and concerned citizen of coma has started this petition on the new Town Of Coma website and hopes to garner enough support to have the act of “selfies” banned by next month. “Selfies are a deceptive way that people post unfortunate and often inaccurate portrayals of themselves online” says Bumgartener during a phone interview. “We cannot quantify what the selfie photo is doing to a child’s self esteem.” When asked if she’d ever posted a selfie, Bumgartener replied yes and that the selfie “went viral” and she couldn’t get away from the stigma.“The internet definition of viral is similar to the clinical definition where in a sense a brain is infected by a popular but mindless clip some examples of this are kittens, puppies jumping off of anything and Geraldo Rivera in front of his bathroom mirror” said Dr. Jimmy, main clinician in Coma. “It’s not so much a disease but may require medication to keep people from watching over and over again.”The hope is the ban on selfies will keep Coma away from some of the travails of the internet. Mayor Dave is on the fence about legislating freedom of speech, “I like selfies.” Said the Mayor.

Examples of Selfies shown below:
girls_for_splitsketch 6

Daniel Day Lewis Completes Filming on Police Academy Sequel

police academy poster 1

Three-time Academy Award winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis announced this week that principle photography for the highly anticipated new Police Academy movie, “Police Academy 8: Homeland Insecurity”, wrapped up this week in the town of Coma.

The project was a labor of love for Day-Lewis, who has pursued the project for years.

“I really wanted to get back to doing comedy,” Day-Lewis said.  “I haven’t done a true comedy since “My Left Foot.”  That was more than 20 years ago.”

The latest film in the popular franchise will feature Day-Lewis as the clumsy and daft police sergeant, Harry “Flatch” Doubleday.  Day-Lewis said the character’s nickname is derived from the fact the character has “extensive flatulence” throughout the movie.

“I think that was partly what drew me to this character,” Day-Lewis said.  “Initially the producers said they would use sound effects for the flatulence because they wanted it to be over-the-top.  But I told them no.  I told them that I wanted to produce the flatulence organically. An audience can tell when you’re being honest with them on screen.  They hear a flatulence sound effect, you’ve lost them.  I want them to be immersed in the story.  That flatulence has to come from deep within me.”

Day-Lewis put himself on a high-fiber diet and did extensive research with several doctors and scientists in an effort to boost his ability to deliver “the goods” on camera.

“My family is certainly relieved that I’m done with this film,” Day-Lewis said.  “That’s for goddamned sure.  I haven’t seen our cat in months.  I think he ‘bugged out’,” Day-Lewis added with a smile.

The story centers on a wacky and often irreverent group of police recruits who are called into action to stop a terrorist threat when the rest of the city’s police force is kidnapped.

“I read the script and I felt like I was reading a newspaper,” Day-Lewis said.  “Everything about it felt real, and that’s what makes great comedy. I mean, imagine every law enforcement person in an entire city being kidnapped?  Who would protect us?  How would that feel?  It would be scary.  Who would take their place?  Recruits.  That’s who.  That’s exactly how it would happen in real life and that’s exactly what happens in this movie.  And that is a great foundation for creating humor.”

Day-Lewis said that while this film may seem like a departure from some of his other roles, he remains immensely proud of his work on the new movie and believes the risks he took in making the character come to life will pay off for movie goers.

“There is one scene in particular that I am proud of,” Day-Lewis explained.  “My character gets trapped in a port-a-potty.  A car crashes into the port-a-potty sending it tumbling down the street. End over end several times.  My character is stuck inside.  Eventually the port-a-potty comes to a stop and Flatch opens the door as says ‘Has someone been eating tacos?’ Of course he is covered in human waste.  I decided that I wanted to use real human waste.  The producers were against it at first but I convinced them it was the right thing to do artistically.  So the crew had at the port-a-potty for several days until it was maxed out.  We do the scene and I’m swimming in this stuff.  But this much I know; when the audience watches that scene and Flatch asks if someone has been eating tacos, the audience is going to believe that Flatch must have smelled or tasted something in that port-a-potty that made him believe someone had recently eaten tacos.  This whole thing is a process.  I’d also add, on a personal note, that I really do enjoy tacos. So even that is authentic.”

“Police Academy 8: Homeland Insecurity” will debut in theaters next spring.