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comments feedMayor Downplays Second Altercation Involving Primate
by Coma News Staff
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson is refuting reports that he had another incident involving a primate last week, despite eyewitness accounts to the contrary.
The alleged incident occurred last Thursday while the mayor was meeting with local business leaders for his monthly “Drinking Coffee with Mayor Dave Anderson” event at town hall.
According to eyewitnesses, the mayor was fielding questions about potential tax breaks for local businesses when a Barbary macaque entered the room and began taunting the mayor.
“It was the weirdest thing,” said one eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous. “At first I thought it was a Rhesus macaque but upon closer inspection I was like, ‘nah, that’s definitely a Barbary macaque.’”
ABOVE: Witnesses say Anderson (left) had an intense altercation with a Barbary macaque (right) last week during a town hall-style meeting
The small primate approached Anderson and extended his small, furry hand. Anderson extended his hand to shake and before completing the gesture, the macaque withdrew his hand, slid his hand past his head and then turned and strutted away.
“It was pretty funny,” said one eyewitness. “I’ve seen that gag before. But something about that little macaque doing it was very refreshing.”
Anderson attempted to continue his presentation but appeared flustered. Moments later, the macaque approached Anderson a second time. According to witnesses, the monkey began to mimick the mayor as he spoke.
“He had it down pretty good,” a witness said. “Hand gestures, arm movements. It was just like Dave.”
Anderson allegedly became increasingly agitated as the small primate continued to mock his movements. At one point, Anderson stopped, placed his hands on his hips and shook his head at the monkey. The monkey gave Anderson a “thumbs up” gesture.
“That seemed to cut a lot of the tension in the room,” one witness said. “But then it got ugly.”
According to onlookers, the monkey began to twist his hand slowly. What started as a “thumbs up” became a “thumbs down” gesture. Anderson rushed the monkey and had to be restrained by several advisors and staff members.
“At one point Dave yelled ‘I’m going to cut you mother fucker’” an eyewitness said. “He grabbed a chair and started swinging but fortunately his staff held him back.”
The macaque, according to witnesses, extended a middle finger to the mayor before exiting the room through a side door. Anderson recently admitted to an unfortunate ordeal nearly 12 years ago in which he punched a monkey in the face, knocking out two of the animal’s teeth.
The mayor told reporters on Tuesday the recent incident has been exaggerated and that there was really nothing to talk about.
“Did I go after a monkey with a chair?” Anderson asked. “Maybe. But who is to say that in some alternate reality the monkey didn’t try to attack me with a chair? Why is no one talking about that possibility?”
Anderson refused to comment further. The macaque has not been seen since the incident occurred last week.
Mayor “Tired” of ‘Monkey Puncher’ Reputation
by Coma News Staff
Mayor Dave Anderson confided to reporters this week that he has grown weary of his reputation as the “Monkey Puncher” following an unfortunate incident he was involved in nearly 12 years ago.
Anderson, often speaking in hushed tones, said he feared he would “never live down” a nickname and reputation born on what he called a “disastrous” day more than a decade ago.
“I mean, apparently, you punch a monkey in the face one time and…you know…you get a reputation as a guy who goes around punching monkeys in the face,” Anderson said.
It was a rare moment for the mayor, who has been described in the past as guarded, aloof and even apathetic. Anderson shared details of the “disastrous” day for the first time publicly.
ABOVE: Anderson (left) recounted the story of how he punched a monkey, similar to the one in the photo above (right), to earn the nickname “Monkey Puncher”
According to Anderson, he and some friends had just finished having lunch at Mike’s Pig Meat Restaurant when the restaurant’s owner, Mike Holliman, invited Anderson and his party out back to see a pet monkey one of Holliman’s friends brought with him.
“We were just looking at this monkey and it was kind of just bouncing around a little bit,” Anderson said. “And then it looked at me and spit in my face.”
Anderson said his friends laughed at the incident. At first, Anderson thought that while it was incredibly rude, it was a “little funny.”
But Anderson said things took a turn for the worst when the monkey began to mock him incessantly. At one point, the monkey pointed to Anderson, then plugged its nose and made a “stinky face”. Next, the monkey pointed to its buttocks, then to Anderson and then plugged its nose again.
“I’ve never been a big bathroom humor guy,” Anderson said. “So, strike one, monkey. I mean, first of all I didn’t smell like his butt. I’m sure of that. It’s just not very original.”
According to Anderson, the monkey continued to mock him. At one point, the monkey pointed at Anderson and then began to walk around, pushing its belly forward and kind of stumbling as it ambled down the sidewalk before pointing again at Anderson to suggest the Mayor was overweight and walked in an unusual manner.
“That was it for me,” Anderson said. “Everyone was laughing like it was real funny but it was derivative at best and completely inaccurate.”
Anderson said he punched the monkey square in the mouth, bloodying the animal’s lip and making its eyes water. The animal scurried quickly to its owner and hid behind his leg, trembling in fear.
“And somehow, I became the bad guy,” Anderson told reporters. “I get humiliated in front of my friends, try to defend my honor and at the end of the day, I’m the bad guy. Explain that to me. Please! Because I still don’t understand it.”
Soon after the incident, Anderson began hearing references to himself as the “monkey puncher.” It is a nickname that has stuck with him through more than three terms in office.
“Maybe one day people will forget that I punched a monkey in the face and knocked out two of its teeth,” Anderson said. “But people just love to focus on negative things.”
New Petting Zoo Opens In Coma
City officials, including Coma Mayor, Dave Anderson, were on hand Yesterday at the opening of the new Coma Petting Zoo and Recycling Center.
“This is a great day for children and families of Coma,” Anderson said. “We have a safe place for young people to get up close and personal with nature and cultivate joy for animals.”
The new petting zoo features a cow.
“This is so exciting,” Coma mother-of-two Cheryl Dickerson said. “I’ve seen cows on TV and in Coma when I drive by all the farms, but never up close and in person.”
Like many, Dickerson brought her children to the grand opening and stared at the cow from afar for nearly five minutes.
“The thing that I’m really excited about is that we’re only getting started,” Anderson told the crowd. “Soon, this will be the finest petting zoo in the entire county.”
According to the Mayor, the petting zoo will be adding an old wooden bucket in upcoming weeks and is in the process of securing a horseshoe.
Plans to add an old wooden bucket to the new petting zoo are in the works
“I love that my children are growing up in a town that has place they can go and look at a cow and touch an old wooden bucket and, fingers crossed, hold a horseshoe in their hand,” Dickerson said. She later departed after her youngest child started throwing rocks at the cow.
Three Choking Incidents End Fast Food Chain’s Promotion
Foot Bucket, Coma’s only animal-foot fast food restaurant, announced this week it was suspending its popular month-long “Beaks & Bones” promotion after several patrons nearly died from choking-related incidents.
According to a statement on the company’s website, Foot Bucket will cease serving “assorted animal beaks and bone fragments” to its guest in light of “mysterious and still undetermined sources of choking-related incidents.”
The company stopped short of accepting responsibility but owner of the company and Coma Town Councilmember, Jax Owen, said there is some evidence to suggest the bone fragments and beaks may have caused at least one of the victims to choke.
“We know for certain one of the guests choked on a goat femur,” Jax said. “that’s a pretty big bone to try to take down in one swallow. But when you play the bone-eating game, you gonna win some and lose some.”
Micah Horncraft tried unsuccessfully to launch ‘The Grape Hut‘ as a healthy alternative to The Foot Bucket feels that these incidents might help citizens of Coma realize that healthier options are safer options. “There’s really only so many ways you can eat bones but grapes are soft and not fried.” said Horncraft.
“Beaks & Bones” is an annual limited-time promotion the company runs every February. Historically, it is one of the most popular promotions with consumers and has driven record revenues for Foot Bucket in previous years.
“This may be one of those watershed moments for our organization,” Jax said. “Maybe it’s time to look at soft tissue and organs. A bit easier to swallow and less violent to digest.”
The company’s website also stated it was moving up the start date of a new promotion called “Arctic-Fest”, which will feature an assortment of arctic mammal foot-food including caribou, moose, Dall sheep, ermine and musk ox. That promotion will start March 1 and run throughout the month.
1972- Ladybug Fish Discovered in Coma
by Coma Historian and Intern, Stan Bargmeyer
In the fall of 1972, Coma scientist Richard Van Peele announced his discovery of a new type of fish species; the Ladybug Fish (dominaeinsectum piscor). The discovery sent ripples through the marine biology community as the Ladybug Fish proved to be one of the most unique aquatic mammals ever discovered.
Unlike most fish, the Ladybug Fish lives entirely on land and bears a striking resemblance to a Ladybug. As well, Ladybug Fish do not have gills, are the same size as Ladybugs and look exactly like common Ladybugs in every conceivable manner. In fact, the Ladybug Fish is the only fish in the world that cannot survive under water.
ABOVE: A sketch of the rare Ladybug Fish discovered by Richard Van Peele.
Van Peele, who studied marine biology in his bedroom while holding down two part-time jobs, was a Coma native who later went on to serve as night-time supervisor at the Zip-In Burger on 8th Street in Coma. Van Peele died in 1994.
Swimming With The Dolphins Not What You Think It Is
Special Guest Editorial by Coma Mayor Dave Anderson
I recently returned from a two-day vacation in exotic Hawaii. I enjoy getting away on short vacations whenever I can. Last year I traveled to Spain for several hours and the chance to get away from the day-to-day routines and spend an afternoon in a foreign land is a great way to re-charge my battery.
This was my first trip to Hawaii (pronounced Huh-Why-Ee) and I was particularly excited about one of our planned excursions; swimming with dolphins. For me, this was to be the highlight of my trip. The idea of spending a couple hours in the pool with some of my all-time favorite former Miami Dolphins football players was very exciting and I looked forward to it like a child might look forward to Christmas morning.
So you can imagine my tremendous disappointment when upon my arrival I noticed a lagoon-style pool littered with actual dolphins. Not ‘Dolphins.’ Apparently this is a popular activity for visitors to this foreign land. Well it would be nice if the people in charge made it clear in their advertising that no current or former NFL players and Miami Dolphins were involved in this excursion. Nowhere in their literature or website does it state such a thing. It is misleading.
I thought I would get a chance to have a splash fight with hall-of-famer and former Dolphin Larry Csonka. But I didn’t because the stupid thing didn’t include any Miami Dolphins. Just real dolphins.
Instead of frolicking in the pool with the likes of Bob Griese, Larry Csonka or Dan Marino, I’m stuck petting the dorsal fin of a water mammal and smiling for photographs with Flipper. There were no chicken fights with all-time Dolphins greats like Mercury Morris or Nick Buoniconti. No games of Marco Polo with Mark Duper or Larry Little. Not even a chance to pants a guy like Paul Warfield. Just hanging out in a pool of water that was likely full of wild animal droppings
The lesson in all of this is simple; do your homework, read the fine print and don’t get suckered in to a tourist trap/scam like I did. I hope by sharing this story that others will avoid the mistake I made.
