By Coma News Daily Writer
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, the secret of Coma’s unique charm has once again managed to  avoid the harsh glare of the national media spotlight.

The latest national list that would have served to deliver droves of rude, spend-happy tourists to clog Coma’s scenic byways was CNN’s “10 Romantic Destinations You Should Know About.” Coma safely avoided inclusion on the list, which included unique and wimsical towms across America.
“Coma is refined without being stuffy, historic without being antiquated and an impossibly romantic getaway little known outside of nearby interstate truck stops, which is good enough for us,” Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said about the CNN list.

In Coma we want your opinion of our rest area. Your vote counts.

Follow

Share on Tumblr

comments feed

By Coma News Daily Staff

The Fourth Annual Coma Critics Celebration Prize Occasion (C3PO) rolled out Sunday night with all of the pomp and circumstance—and none of the slander or violence—that one would expect from the town’s premier awards show.

C3PO, created by community theater director Shane Darvish to honor the work of local critics, was blissfully free of the violence and mayhem that has marred previous gatherings of the town’s finest.

Robert McGuiness took home the evening’s top honors: the trash disposal/media/news critic’s award.

In presenting his “comie,” Darvish hailed McGuiness’ cultural contribution of bringing a bit of European sophistication to Coma.

“It’s all shite,” an apparently intoxicated McGuiness said to huge applause.

This is the Statue of Liberty. This was one of the first “awarded” statues before awards season existed to award amazing awards.

The largely incident-free nature of this year’s show, which was simulcast on Coma Community Access TV, was credited to the absence of the leading critic of the awards show, Don Johnson Michaels. Michaels is the missing and presumed dead editor of Coma News Daily. Michaels’ repeated incoherent outbursts in the middle of last year’s C3PO precipitated an audience free-for-all during the distribution of lifetime achievement cream pies.

“We do miss having a critic critiquing the event,” Darvish said. “I blame his loss and opening up the awards voting to the general public for deeply tainting this event.” In the three previous C3Pos, all nominees and winners were selected solely by Darvish and his two cats. In the past all the selections were people who were known critics, however, this year most of the awards went to people who aren’t critical or even critical thinkers.

A step up from a critics award would be the hot dog eating award. This award will be given out at the County Fair this year along with the award for the “Best Carnie with a Beard”.

Other award recipients included Marybell Davis, who won for biggest private detective pundit; Dee Collins, for leading homemade baseball card connoisseur; and Micah Horncraft, winner in the ham radio criticism category.

Mayor Dave Anderson won recognition as the biggest gadfly of local government, apparently as the result of voters’ ongoing confusion between the opposing roles of critics and advocates.
“While there is little chance that we will go back to limiting voting to members of my immediate family, hopefully in the future we can restrict ballots to the town’s best, brightest and most susceptible to promotional campaigns,” Darvish said.

Follow

Share on Tumblr

comments feed

By Coma News Daily Staff

A memorial service for a lost local news legend became the news when it spurred a riot, fire, stampede, fist-fights and emergency child birth.
“Don Johnson Michaels always used to say ‘You know news is probably nearby if you hear sirens or smell tear gas,'” Thomas Steven John, a Coma News reporter, said about his late editor. “So I think he would really have enjoyed how his service turned out.”
Michaels was missing and presumed dead after riding off on a horse owned by his employer and landlord, Davis Montgomery III in mid-January.
The memorial service at the Bear’s Biker Bar started out on a somber note as residents dressed in costumes for the Show and Tell-themed remembrance re-enacted the favorite Michaels-related memories.
Trouble started when intoxicated mourners from the Scottish-Rite Wake down the street showed up and began to hurl jokes at the costumed speakers. Shouting matches grew especially heated when Town Councilwoman Natalie Peters arrived with a variety of farm animals from the barn where the late Michaels was living.

“Those drunken animals had zero  respect for the right of these animals to express their grief at the passing of their roommate,” Peters said.
The taunting by Robert McGuiness and other friends of Michaels eventually became too much for Peters who unleashed pepper spray from the stage as fist fights broke out among audience members.

Terrified and blinded farm animals trampled a collection of delicate straw-and-candle figures depicting great moments in local journalism, which were contributed by local artists. The resulting fire–together with the pepper spray and a tear gas canister hurled by an intoxicated Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib–drove the remaining mourners from the bar.
The stress of the event sent Claudia Smith-Smith, wife of former Councilman Bob Smith-Smith, into early labor. After the child was born in front of Bear’s Biker Bar with several large bikers serving as make-shift midwives, mother and child were safely transported to Coma Hospital.
“I think it’s best that we just try to forget this night and all of the dark ugliness it spawned,” Coma Mayor Dave Anderson, said in an interview beside a burning trash can in front of Bear’s Biker Bar.

Follow

Share on Tumblr

comments feed