Coma News to Hire New Reporter
By Thomas Steven John
Coma News will hire its first and only pre-news reporter next week, the newspaper was told today. Thomas Steven John, psychic, Tarot card reader and miniature plane enthusiast informed Coma News’ editors today that they will offer him the weekend reporter position on Wednesday.
“You? Really?” Don Johnson Michaels, editor of Coma News, said when informed of the coming hire. “I don’t even remember getting your resume.”
John, who has no knowledge, experience or interest in journalism, will cover breaking news in advance of each coming weekend.
“These horrific visions, which we’re calling ‘pre-news’ come into my head totally unbidden,” John said. “It’s like when you’re waiting for the show you want to see and before it starts you are forced to watch the last five minutes of the news.”
For instance, John learned during a peyote-fueled fever dream last week that tonight’s Coma Elementary DJ party will be cancelled amid an outbreak of candy-induced vomiting and Liam Walsh being a stupid head.
Michaels, the Coma News editor, said he was excited about the “amazing” new hire.
“I don’t know about amazing,” Michaels said after reading the first draft of this article. “By the way, did you bring any cleaning supplies?”