The Coma Skate Rink will exchange its never-ending 70s disco nightmare of sweat and tears for more classical pain over the next eight weeks.

Twenty tons of dirt and a $10,000 Coma arts grant from the Coma town council will transform the dreary space into a Roman field of war for the original “action-drama” play ‘Colosseum.’

Shane Darvish, who wrote and will direct the production, previously led the Coma Players’ productions of ‘Cats’ and ‘Our Town,‘ although the later was struck by tragedy.

“It’s improv that is generally based on Russell Crowe and Spartacus movies and featuring adolescents,” Darvish said about his latest production.

While improv is usually reserved for comedy troupes, Darvish has set his sights higher.

“I said to myself, ‘Darvish what can we do for the children–specifically, non-athlete, non-academic kids?'” Darvish said about the genesis of the production. “They need life skills and there really aren’t any skills more critical to surviving this world than the ability to feign fight sequences in an imaginary colosseum.”

Not everyone was excited.

“I like a good Russell Crowe fight sequence as much as the next guy but the way I see it you either do sports or you are a nerd,” said Jax Owen, a local parent. “No one needs a coliseum for some kind of non-athletic non-nerds and the idea that they’d be entertaining is laughable.”

Darvish’s future plans for the coliseum include a possible turn as a puppet theater which is a contingency of his arts grant.

“Hopefully we can move my peaceful puppeteers into this thunderdome-like coliseum–once my puppeteers learn to keep from forcing themselves on their puppets, of course,” Mayor Dave Anderson said.

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By Coma News Staff
The Coma Junior Turkey Buzzards wrestling team lost their third straight meet Saturday amid an outbreak of tears.
Most of Coma’s 5- to 7-year-old wrestlers broke down into tears before, during and after each match, which left them too incapacitated to put up much of a fight, despite coachs’ screaming instructions from three feet away.

Several Coma wrestlers literally fought their way through the crying jags and poured tears onto the faces of their pinned apponents.
“There was a sad lack of double-A takedowns out there today,” said Jax Owen, a T-buzz coach. “We may need to start juicing–by which I mean drinking more juice.”
Most of the members of the visiting Barnesville Buccaneers appeared unfazed by the stress of the competition as they gathered around game pads between matches. However, several matches were called by referees based on stalling penalties as many Barnesville players failed to engage their sobbing opponents.

This wrestler won his match but still cried.

“I haven’t seen that many thousand-yard stares since back in ‘Nam,” said Bob Smith-Smith, owner of Bob’s Mart, whose son and also his grandson are on the team.
Despite another team loss, some parents chalked up some personal victories.
“We’ll take the tears over Jimmy’s usual technique of flapping his hands like a humming bird while running away from the other kid,” Sadie Cracker said about her five-year-old.

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By Coma News Staff
What’s Christmas without a little green? And red?
Micah Horncraft, curator of the Coma Futurist Society, finished the first Race for Organic Bikes on Tuesday a little bloody but triumphant.
“I won this one for the kids at my basketball camp, Dream Team, where we’re now accepting applications for the spring session,” Horncraft said.
The 22-mile trek through and around the town featured only certified organic bicycles–those actively listed as lost or stolen by the Coma Sheriff’s Office.
“Using organic bikes is a way to give back by taking someone else’s unused or underused bike,” said Natale Peters, the race’s organizer and a Town Council member.

Horncraft, who competed nude as an additional way to reduce his carbon footprint, credited the improved aerodynamics for his win.
“I was dolphin smooth out there–which is probably why I was going too fast to make that turn at Buzzard’s Gulch,” Horncraft said about a mid-race tumble that left him with cuts and bruises.
The Sheriff’s Office said it was unaware of the source of the race’s bikes until afterward and plans to investigate, eventually.
“Yeah, we’re gonna get right on that, just as soon as we clear the backlog of missing luxury automobiles, municipal fraud and rampant cock fighting that we have in this town,” said Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib.

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By Coma News Staff

Local used car salesman and pee wee football coach, Jax Owen, admitted to friends this weekend that he was “so much better than that crappy QB” currently playing for the NFL’s Chicago Bears.

Owen, who played football at Coma High School from 1997 – 1999, made the bold statement in the first half of Sunday night’s game between the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers in which the Bears fell behind 42 – 0.

According to friends, Owen, a life-long Bears fan, went in to a nearly 10-minute monologue about how he was better than current Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and, if given the chance, could help the Bears be a far more successful professional football team.

“Jax said that even though he’s never played quarterback at any level of competitive football during his lifetime.  If inserted into the Bears’ offense he would immediately improve the Chicago Bears.” Micah Horncraft, who was present during Owen’s rant, said.

Jax Owen claims he would be “at least ten times better than that piece of shit Cutler (above)” if given the chance to lead the Chicago Bears’ offense.

“Being a quaterback is not that hard,” Owen said. “I would just throw it up to Marshall or Jeffery every time ‘cause those guys can go make a play on the ball. I mean, come on.”

Owen said he played offensive line in high school and has played catch with friends as recently as this weekend. Owen added that with the big receivers playing in the NFL today, anybody could play quarterback as long as you don’t throw interceptions.

The Bears lost to the Packers 55 – 14. As of press time, Owen said he has not been contacted by the Bears organization but “they know where to find me.”

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By Coma News staff
A long-dead athlete and the overwhelming odor of peanuts briefly disrupted a minor league playooff game Wednesday.
Sports fans attending the Coma Classic Series of Baseball were treated to a special performance by the ghost of Randell Rudolph, Coma Wildcats pitcher from 1923 to 1928. Rudolph died on the bench during a peanut allergy attack.

“He just walked right up onto the plate and threw three solid pitches,” Don Johnson Michaels, Coma News editor and Wildcats manager, said.  “If he had thrown real baseballs we could’ve won the game.”
The stadium was simultaneously filled with the oppressive odor of roasting peanuts causing numerous apparently allergic children and their families to flee.
Some fans speculated that Randell returned for the anniversary of his near no-hit game in 1928, during which he died just the last inning.
“It was the only bloody interesting thing to happen in this stadium all season,” said Robert MacGuiness.
Rudolph was the heart of the Coma Wildcats in his day. He became famous for his extravagant post-game parties, sensational pitching, and severe alcoholism.
“I’m having the field blessed by one of our top priests before each game from now on,” Mayor Dave Anderson said during a post-game interview. “We don’t need anymore drunk ghosts wandering around town–and that goes double for the Civil War reenactment field.”
Anderson declined to comment on his plans for the reenactment field.
Despite the spiritual assistance, the Coma Wildcats lost 3-1 to the WIliamsburg Willem Dafoe’s, which is their third loss in a row.
The team next plays the Hawkston Eagles on Saturday at Eagle Memorial field during bring your laser pointers to the field day.

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By Coma News Staff
The winless 6- to 8-year-old Coma Condors football team will play hard in their final game this Saturday for pride and bags of candy, according to the coach.
“You guys gotta reach down deep and find the strength–Kyle, stop sucking your thumb!” Jax Owen, one of the team’s coaches said when addressing the team at Monday’s practice.
Owen said the team’s winless record is “embarrassing” and the other pee-wee league coaches have been “pretty mean” to him about it.
Sadie Cracker, Condor team mom, said she hopes that the promise of a bag of candy may help motivate the team to victory.

“We’ve tried stern speeches from their coaches, embarrassment from the scores and basically pleading with these kids to play harder but it’s possible that candy has the best chance of getting through to six-year-olds,” she said.
Jimmy Cracker blamed the team’s last loss against the undefeated Bealsville Barracudas on a bee.
“It almost stunk me,” he said.

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By Coma News Staff
California dreaming became a New Jersey nightmare for several Coma youth football players during August training camp.
Seven-year-old Truck Williams thought he saw a cloud shaped like a character from Mine Craft–just before he was blind tackled by fellow PeeWee player Sabre Michaels.

Williams was uninjured but confused why players would tackle him during a tackle drill.
“I gotta pee,” Williams said when asked about the play.
The outdoor practice setting provided a wide range of distractions for the youth football players, as well–including circling hawks, loud passing cars and anything growing on the ground.
“The ability to focus on the game is obviously a learned skill,” said Jax Owen, a parent and assistant coach. “But the focus of a bunch of youth players on a suspected pile of dog poop is apparently in-born.”
Coaches expect players’ attention to sharpen this fall, as players take on classes, homework, tightened schedules and melt-downs from school exhaustion.

The Coma Youth Football League is hoping to beat the puppies this year in the annual puppies vs Kids bowl. Last year they lost by two touchdowns while Little Willie Watkins cried for his mommie.

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