Category: Sports

An Edge for ‘Moms’ in Boost-Off 2014?

By Coma News Staff
The women’s team hopes a secret weapon will give them the edge in Coma Boost-Off 2014, the parent-fan competition that just started a new season.
Competitive Moming hopes to reverse its fortunes from last season, when a three-judge panel of Coma leaders awarded the over-the-top parent booster crown to Digdeep Dads. What’s the moms’ secret this year? An Internet detective to ferret out any booster shortcomings among the dads.


Sports are competitive but not as competitive as parenting.

Sports are competitive but not as competitive as parenting.

We can spend 25 hours each and every week attending soccer, baseball and basketball practices and these guys get the same points from the judges just for showing up at a couple games and yelling inappropriate comments,” said Dee Collins, captain of the Moms.


Competitve Momming can only do so much to win when they don't actually like to watch baseball.

Competitive Moming can only do so much to win when they don’t actually like to watch baseball.

Marybell Davis, owner of LOL Detective Agency, said her preliminary investigation of the Dads has already identified weaknesses.
“They may have made the opening games this season but most have already made other plans for the coming weekends,” Davis said. “Their wives have posted the Dad’s’ schedules on Facebook.”
But what the Dads’ lack in consistency they make up for in intensity, said Jax Owen, captain of the Dads.
“My youngest son is my retirement plan,” Owen said about six-year-old Trigger Owen. “Seriously, I haven’t saved a penny, so if my son doesn’t get to the Majors then I’m gonna be homeless when I retire. And you better believe he knows that.”

Fantasy Baseball Team Mounts Dragons this Week

ortiz on dragon 2


By Coma News Staff

After a poor start to the season, Coma fantasy baseball manager, Micah Horncraft, announced last night that his all-star lineup would take the field this week atop gold-winged dragons wielding bats crafted from the “finest Cirillian oak from the forest of Eragord.”

“Those who shall dare to pass first base shall suffer the consequences of the old days,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft made the announcement after his team, The Nine Druids of Westhobbin, are in last place two weeks in to the Major League Baseball season.  Horncraft said his team will feature a female warrior named “Ursula the White” and a goblin named “Deadswaug,” who will play shortstop for the fantasy baseball team.

goblin shortstop

Above: Deadswaug, a goblin with a career slugging percentage of .678, according to Horncraft, will play shortstop for Horncraft’s fantasy baseball team this week

Many have questioned the wisdom of inserting fictitious players into a fantasy baseball lineup, however such a move is not unheard of.  Last summer, on his way to a sixth-place finish, Horncraft used a troll named “Hunchmanck” as his starting catcher, saying the 8-foot tall giant would unleash a “scourge on home plate unseen since the days of the Veruvian Wars.”

Horncraft’s opponents said they were not concerned with the announcement.

“I applaud his efforts to put the ‘fantasy’ into fantasy baseball,” avid fantasy baseball player Dr. Jimmy said.  “Considering dragons and goblins aren’t real, don’t play baseball, and don’t generate stats. I don’t see how this could possibly help him win.”

Horncraft was considered benching Los Angeles Angels outfielder Mike Trout in favor of an elvish wizard named “Stoven” but was concerned about the elf’s on-base percentage, which does not exist.

“I’ll track it for another week before making that change,” Horncraft said.  “I hope the dragons will light a fire under everyone’s ass this week.”

Larping Duel Ends in Sore Back

dr jimmy sore back

By Coma News Staff

Dr. Jimmy, Coma physician, cancelled a highly anticipated LARPing duel with Town Councilmember Bob Smith-Smith shortly after it began due to “unfair hitting in the back when [he] wasn’t ready and not following the dang LARPing rules.”

“It was not cool at all because I clearly yelled ‘hold,’ and he hit me in the back when I wasn’t expecting it,” Dr. Jimmy said. “That’s not legal. And then he acted like he did something great.”

According to spectators, the entire duel lasted less than one minute. After Dr. Jimmy made a series of opening moves that some said resembled jumping jacks or modified calisthenics, Smith-Smith tapped his foam-wrapped “sword” onto Dr. Jimmy’s shoulder. The physician quickly called “hold,” which is the larping equivilant of a time out. But Smith-Smith attacked again, landing a blow on Dr. Jimmy’s back.

Dr. Jimmy grimaced as he left the larping circle and claimed he could not continue because his back “stung like a bitch” and he would not continue dueling with someone who so flagrantly violated the rules of LARPing.

The duel challenge, which Dr. Jimmy issued to Smith-Smith at last week’s Town Council meeting, attracted nearly a dozen spectators. Smith-Smith did not comment afterwards but did fist bump several spectators.

Dr. Jimmy would not comment beyond mumbling that Smith-Smith had not heard the last from him.

Wolverine’s Losing Season Begins Saturday

By Thomas Steven John, Coma News future beat reporter
The Coma Middle School Wolverines baseball team will lose their season opening game Saturday and it won’t even be close. The 32-2 loss to the Damascus Canal Mules will shock many CMS fans but many will quickly write it off as a one-game fluke.
“No way, dude. ‘Rines rule!” Yelled Chase Donovan, when told of the impending loss.

baseball 1
Instead of the second game featuring a repeat of last season’s clobbering of the Brownsville Trousers, the Wolverines will lose in a squeaker.
As the season progresses and the losses begin to mount, brief flashes of hope will spark when the schedule reveals particularly troubled opponents.

But the subsequent losses and the lack of a mercy rule in the middle school league will leave some parents questioning the point of it all.
Among the few upsides is that the final games will provide substantial playing time for the team’s benchwarmers following the departures of every talented player.
Marybell Davis expressed surprise  when told her younger brother was going to pitch for the team before the end of the season.
“But he’s their mascot and he’s like seven,” she said.
The season is never ending but will end on Oct. 27th.

The Perfect NCAA College Basketball Bracket

Chase Donovan, Coma News Intern

The first weekend of action in the popular NCAA college basketball tournament wrapped up with plenty of exciting finishes and big upsets.

As you consider filling out your bracket for this year’s tournament and a chance at $1 billion dollars (what?!), here are some tips for winning first rounds.

1. Pick North Dakota State to upset Oklahoma.  Considering that North Dakota State beat Oklahoma last Thursday in a thrilling overtime game, it would be wise to advance North Dakota State in your bracket.  But they probably won’t (and in fact, did not) advance beyond that.

2. Dayton is a tough match-up for Ohio State.  Ohio State has struggled scoring at times this season and Dayton has an explosive offense that led them to a win against the heavily-favored Buckeyes last week.  Do yourself a favor and pencil in Dayton here because they actually beat Ohio State in a game that was already played.

3. Dayton has a good chance of advancing to the Sweet 16.  Dayton already did advance to the Sweet 16, which makes this tip even more tempting.

4. I really like Mercer to beat Duke and then get hammered by Tennessee.  Duke may overlook this little-known 14 seed, which could spell trouble for the Blue Devils.  I say go with Mercer in this shocking upset that actually already happened.  But don’t get too high on Mercer.  I have a feeling they will meet Tennessee in the next round and will get steamrolled.  This prediction was even more salient yesterday when Tennessee absolutely annihilated Mercer to advance to the Sweet 16.

5. I am a big fan of Stanford.  While Stanford didn’t make a lot of noise during the regular season, I like their chances of rolling into the Sweet 16.  Why risk a perfect bracket with this tip?  Because Stanford actually won two games over the weekend and qualified for the Sweet 16.

Still not ready to buy into my advice?  Well, check out a sample of my bracket below.  You’ll notice it is still perfect:





Town Bans Olympics

Town Bans Olympics
By Coma News Staff
Shaun White may be an internationally heralded celebrity but he better stay clear of Coma.
No Olympians or Olympic viewing will be allowed in the town of Coma after this week’s emergency order from the Coma Department of Health and Human Services (CoDe HHS).
“The risk that one of our precious children would imitate the increasingly dangerous activities literally celebrated by the Winter Olympics was too great of a risk to allow such viewing to continue,” said Coma HHS Director Margaret Singer.
The ban was precipitated by HHS officials watching injuries occur during the half pipe, luge, pairs figure skating, and curling competitions.

“But the straw that broke our backs was that ski around and shoot at people event,” Singer said. “Half these ‘sports’ seem like something out of one of those ‘Saw’ movies.”

Even medalists have suffered serious and traumatic injuries during the Sochi Olympics

Even medalists have suffered serious and traumatic injuries during the Sochi Olympics

Any viewing, listening, coverage, interviews or descriptions of the Olympics without the express written consent of HHS is prohibited.

Similarly, discussing Olympians or any combination of Shaun White, skating neon Pink Panther themed German dildos, or disappearing toilets also is banned.  Singer added that although the ban on dildos is not new she likes to reinforce that message at every opportunity since it was first included in guidelines issued last month for proper hand washing.

“We’re trying to save lives here, people!” Singer screamed for no apparent reason. “We have a mandate!”

Violations of the ban will be enforced by roving vans packed with Agents of Hygiene. However, HHS officials encourage reports by members of the public on potential violations by neighbors, relatives and random strangers.

Injuries in the Winter Olympics, like the recent decapitation that occured during the Curling event (above), has lead the town of Coma to instigate a ban on the popular sporting event

Injuries in the Winter Olympics, like the recent decapitation  during the Curling event (above), has lead the town of Coma to implement a ban on the popular sporting event

Residents administratively determined to have violated the HHS ban will face a minimum of a six month “sanitation quarantine.”
“We don’t want to prejudge it but we may extend the ban to the Summer Olympics if any injuries occur,” Singer said. “Although without all of this slippery snow I’m not sure how dangerous gymnastics or diving, for instance, could be.”

‘Shit Got Real’ During Local Tetherball Match

Coma Scroll tetherball

If fourth-grader Becky Watson was nervous entering her first match of the season, the emerging superstar didn’t show it.

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Watson said with a humility that has become part of her persona.  “Is this going to be in the newspaper?”

Watson defeated perennial contender, Dusty Higgins, 3 sets to 1 during second recess at Coma Unified School on Wednesday afternoon in a hotly contested match that featured the taller Watson utilizing her reach advantage to take the final three sets after dropping the first.

“Shit just got so real in there,” recess monitor Heather Beaucraft said.  Beaucraft, who officiated the match, said she was surprised at Watson’s skill so early in the season. “At first, it was like the shit wasn’t real at all, like it was pretend or something.  Then suddenly, shit got real.”

Beaucraft said she was impressed by such skilled play so early in the season, particularly the efforts of Watson.

“It’s only January and you’re already bringing your A-game?  Gonna be a long year for players in the yard if she’s stepping up like that already,” Beaucraft said.  “Imagine how real that shits gonna be come May?”

The match got off to a controversial start when Watson was called for a double hit early in the first set.  Soon after, she committed another unintentional foul when she stepped off sides.  Both penalties gave Higgins the opening he needed to win the first set.  Watson appeared to settle down after that and made quick work of Higgins over the next three sets.

Watson clearly benefitted from the nearly three-inch growth spurt she experienced over the summer.  Many students were in disbelief when the gangly ten-year-old returned to class last fall.

“I thought she was a giant or something when I first seen her,” Mitch Pelfry, a classmate of Watson, said.  “I kept calling her Optimus Prime all day because he’s in a movie and he’s really big like a giant made of metal.”

While the fourth-grade tetherball season is just getting underway, it is not hard to envision Watson making a run at a championship.  After failing to qualify for any post-season play last year, the dramatic turnaround seems to have caused a stir for everyone except the budding superstar.

“I have to go or I’m going to miss my bus,” Watson said when asked about her next opponent, Earl Chadwick.  “I don’t want to get stuck sitting next to Duggar Meyers again.  He’s gross.”

Watson’s schedule doesn’t get any easier with several first-recess matches coming up in the next week and a dreaded lunchtime-recess match against Kendra Perkins on February 10.

Beaucraft said she expects the shit to get very real in a hurry when Watson and Perkins square off.